


Shadows Will Scream

by poisonedxyouth



Series: Shadows Will Scream [1]
Category: Fall Out Boy, Halsey (Musician), My Chemical Romance, Panic! at the Disco, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Anxiety, Bipolar Tyler Joseph, Boys In Love, Depression, Domestic Violence, Dysfunctional Family, Eventual Relationships, Fluff and Angst, Homophobia, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Insomnia, Josh is a sweetheart, Josh is there for him, M/M, Mental Illness, Minor Character Death, Mutual Pining, Nightmares, Protective Josh Dun, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Social Anxiety, Soft Tyler Joseph, Twenty One Pilots Lyrics, Tyler likes the night, Tyler's dad is fucked up, cute as hell, lots of references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-20
Updated: 2017-09-17
Packaged: 2018-08-16 06:52:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 47
Words: 84,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8091898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poisonedxyouth/pseuds/poisonedxyouth
Summary: "You know I'm not right.""What do you mean?""You know there's something wrong with me, don't you?"In which Tyler Joseph is a boy in pieces, and Joshua Dun is a boy who cares.





	1. Tyler

2:57.

_ Walking. _

2:58.

_ Blanking. _

2:59.

_ Walking. _

3:00.

_ Alive. _

Tyler Joseph was alive.

Well, it didn't always feel that way. Sometimes he needed a little reminding. Like right now. The brunet stopped walking abruptly, a small sigh escaping his lips and dispersing into the night. The air was frozen, which Tyler was acutely aware of as his movements slowed, and which was hardly ideal for a boy adorned in just a black t-shirt and sweats. It made his blood flow slower. He felt his bones begin to crack open. 

But, just like Tyler, the weather was accountable to no one.

It was a brisk Friday night. Well, rather Saturday morning now, wasn't it? It was the last weekend before term started on Monday. Tyler would be a junior on Monday. _A junior._ He wasn't really thinking about that right then, though, standing in a random street in a suburb he vaguely recognised. It could be anywhere. It felt like nowhere. He could be surrounded by a million people, and it would still feel like nowhere. The world felt dull. All sensation had been leaked from it, and instead it's energy was running through Tyler's mind in busy corridors. It got so lost that nothing seemed to matter, and time became worthless, to be spent on worthless things. 

Tyler wasn't always like this, of course. No one was always like anything.

He'd been walking for ages. Ever since he'd left his house a few hours earlier, excluding a number of breaks to eat and text Josh and try not to cry. The stars were all up with him now. He tilted his head back to look at them as he walked, scattered like malevolent angels over the empty streets. God, it was something. Tyler often wondered how stars had the ability to make him forget about everything else for moments at a time. He rubbed his hands together, taking in his surroundings that late Autumn night. The moon was up too, with no clouds to quench her, pouring clear silver over all of the ones left awake.

There was more in the sky, Tyler hoped. More than the voice that shattered the vacant wasteland inside of him every time he was alone. As much as he sometimes wished the voice would envelop him, he hoped there was more in the sky. More room for more hope, he hoped. 

These thoughts struck against each other mercilessly in his mind, messy constellations that felt completely unattainable. Tyler slipped his phone out of his pocket in an attempt of distraction, the weak glow illuminating his shadowy features. It read 3am; he had no recollection of it getting so late. He rarely did. There were no people out at all now. The entire world was silent. He hated silence. There was a pulse in his mind and it was drowning out all rationality and... 

_ Hello, Tyler. _

Tyler didn't look up. He didn't have to to know exactly what was coming.

_ It's been a while. Tell me, how's your father? _

Tyler breathed deeply. "What do you want?"

_ That didn't answer my question. _

"That didn't answer mine." Tyler slowly lifted his head to Blurryface, knowing all he had to do was get through one more night of this. And then one more. And then one more. And then.

And then.

_ What are you even doing out so late, hm? Waiting for someone to check in with you? Waiting for your family to ask where you are?  _ H e laughed. _ Don't you know no one cares? Your family doesn't care. You're friends don't care. The universe doesn't care. The world isn't going to just stop spinning for you and your stupid problems. You don't keep anyone up at night. Everyone has the curtains drawn and closed on you. _

Blurryface continued with his unnerving whispers as the two of them walked down the street; two shadows dressed in black, engulfed in a pressing silence. 

"I know you're not real," Tyler finally said.

_Oh, Tyler. I'm just as real as you are. I actually get quite a satisfying feeling of enlightenment out of my own self awareness, which feels quite content, as well as depressing._ The shadow smiled. _Ignorance is bliss, I'm sure you know. Don't you think your life would be so much more enjoyably simple if you weren't out of your fucking mind?_

Tyler stuck his chin out, covering his fear with faux-confidence. "Can we maybe talk about this some other time?"

_ Look, Tyler. I'm here because you need me. Aren't you sick of people pretending to know what you're going through? They don't know you, but I do. I know that you're twisted up. I know that you don't sleep because you're petrified. I know that you used to dream, but now you just watch the backs of your eyes. And I know that someone needs to go out and finish your waste of a life. And guess what? Nothing kills a boy faster than his own head. Blurryface laughed then. I wonder, does Josh know what I know? Does he know? Does he? _

Tyler didn't have time to answer because Blurryface was gone. 

He always left eventually, but he was never really _gone_. He'd never be gone. Tyler was getting more and more susceptible, and his shadow was always fucking waiting. He'd been there when his dad had almost ripped Tyler's door off its hinges, trying to get through the locked door to him. He'd been there when Tyler had snuck into an 18 and over bar just to piss off his dad. People there  wanted to give him attention, and what's better than that when you're stuck hating yourself? 

He didn't know what to do with himself lately. Everything was getting darker around him, and he didn't know how to stop it. And now there was more silence.

Tyler was so insanely sick of it. It had followed him around his entire life. He took out his phone again; 3:37am. No notifications. He refreshed them and refreshed them, but no one else was awake. He went through every name on his contact list. That's all they felt like to him, at that moment - contacts. People he had contact with. Contact in class. Contact in the hallway or at lunch.Deep down, in his rational mind, he knew that most of them would listen to him if he wanted to talk, would worry on his behalf.But when he tried to play out that scene in his mind, it fell flat. It didn't help. It only added bystanders to what was essentially his burden. So he closed his contacts.

But then. 

_ Josh. _

_Josh cares,_ Tyler thought. _I know that he does._ But Josh was probably asleep, like Tyler should have been. Something told him to do just that, and he wanted to do just that, he really did. More than anything. But sleep could turn so quickly into drown, and that was the last thing Tyler needed right then.

_I need to calm the fuck down about everything,_ Tyler thought. But he didn't know how. 

He was at a dead end. And he was fucking cold. He needed some kind of hotline, he supposed. Not a suicide hotline; more like the opposite. Was there a hotline for people who felt a little too motivated to be alive?

"I'm alive," said Tyler. "I'm alive." He was still just as alive as he had been in the summer, playing Mario Kart with Josh, and going to the local pools with Josh, and calling Josh at midnight because he was the only person who would listen. 

He was still as alive as he'd been a few hours earlier, as he stormed out of his house in a hurricane of anger and fear and hurt, his father still screaming at him from the doorway.

So here he was. He was alive, and it was a normal night. Normal. Only 3 hours until sunrise.

_ Then I can try again. _

It wasn't that easy, though. Maybe one day it would be, and Tyler held onto that as he chewed at his thumbnail and sat down in the middle of the empty road. He thought again and again about messaging Josh, but he didn't want to seem too desperate and what if Josh thought he was pathetic? What if Josh didn't understand his fears? Tyler thought about Josh's brunet curls and squinty eyes and and his grin and all he wanted was...

Well. That.

3:44.

Tyler was up. Tyler was running.

_ Headlights call my name... _


	2. Josh

Josh had been lying awake for over four hours.

Normally, four hours would be enough time to make even Josh feel at least a tiny bit tired, but every time Josh closed his eyes, every single moment from the past 24 hours came flooding in in a fragmented torrent of words and faces. He tried to fill his mind with other things, but there didn't seem to be any room for it. He was willing to think about anything if it meant ignoring the reality of his situation.

He groaned into his pillow. 

"Josh?"

Josh glanced up expectantly, eyes focusing on his mom standing in the doorway. His heart sank a little. "Yeah?" he mumbled tiredly, watching the breeze flow in the open window and unsettle the curtains. He liked watching the fabric gently rise and fall when he was trying to fall asleep. It was a Josh thing.

"Still awake?" Josh's mom said, tentatively stepping into her son's room. 

"Mmm," Josh answered half heartedly. He frowned as his mom walked across the room to close the window. "Don't."

She turned back to face him then, a frown creasing her brow. Josh refused to meet her eye. "Have you seen the time?" she asked.

Josh shook his head, falling back on his pillow with a sigh. "I can't sleep. Why are you awake?"

Josh's mom sighed, tucking her dark hair behind her ears. "I can't sleep either. Are you hungry? I could ma-"

"No." Josh picked at his nail, pulling his comforter up closer. He had this weird feeling going on inside of him, and he couldn't place it. Maybe he was getting tired. maybe it was something else. 

Josh noticed his mom move as if to sit on the end of his bed, then decide against it. "Are you angry with me?" she tried.

"Yeah," said Josh. "And you know why."

"Keep your voice down, Josh, everyone else is asleep." His mom sighed. "Look, baby, if this is about-"

"Mom. I'm fine. It doesn't even matter that much, okay?" An obvious lie, but Josh's mom didn't push it.

"Sweetie, I'm sorry. I just... thought it would help." She looked at him apologetically, eyes gentle.

"Yeah," Josh murmured in response. He exhaled into his pillow slowly, eyes falling closed as his mind fell steadily apart.

His mom watched him lingeringly, before mouthing a quick  _I'm sorry._ She closed his bedroom door on the way out.

Josh stared blankly at his closed bedroom door for a second, then dragged a hand through his hair and groaned, rolling over onto his stomach. He desperately wanted to go outside for a walk or something, but there was no way his mom wouldn't notice if he sneaked out. It was her fault any of this had happened anyway.

_How could she be so fucking invading?_

Josh rubbed his head slowly, rhythmically. Then he grabbed his phone from his bedside table and checked the time, wincing at the glaring light.  _3:41am._  No use trying to sleep now. Not really. Josh glanced out his window, sitting exhaustedly with his comforter wrapped around his shoulders. The night was still, the glow from the awake city fading into the curved skyline. Josh thought of all the people out there partying in clubs, getting wasted in bars. Having fun. Being normal teenagers. Being  _alive_. Not stuck in their bedrooms, sulking about shit that didn't even matter.

He thought of Tyler next. 

An involuntary smile crept onto his face as his mind wandered. Stupid, he knew. But he liked to think about Tyler, especially when he felt like his brain was about to implode from being filled with so many pointless motives, searching without hitting on the right one. 

So. Tyler. Josh guessed he was probably out on the town somewhere. Not partying, definitely not. Maybe he was walking. Maybe he was listening to music under the stars. Maybe he was at Taco Bell. Just being a part of everything, with no curfew and... independence.

God. Imagine.

Tyler loved trying to convince Josh to stay out with him on his late night escapades. And sometimes Josh did, and he always loved it, but his mom always found out. She was never mad, though; Josh knew how much she liked Tyler. Josh could understand why. His best friend had a certain aura about him; he always seemed so alive. So in the moment, with eyes wide and full of vibrance. Josh sighed, rolling over to face his wall. 

_"Live a little, Josh. C'mon," Tyler had whined._

_Josh had laughed in reply. "Ty, I can't. My mom'll get worried."_

_"What about me?" Tyler said, eyes wide and imploring. "Stay out for me? Please?"_

_Josh smiled a little, nudging Tyler's arm. "Fine."_

He wished he could go and find Tyler right then, wished they could walk down the deserted Columbus streets and talk and talk and talk. But he couldn't, so he decided to settle on the next best thing; he reached over and grabbed his earphones. It didn't take him long to find Tyler's pored-over playlist, and he turned up the music until it filled him, seeped into him and consumed him like it was his second skin. It was a whole lot better than the quiet.

Josh read through his and Tyler's texts from the previous night as songs faded in and out, minutes dissolving into nothing.

**Thursday, 12:23AM**

**Tyler:**   _you awake?_

**Me:**   _yeah._

**Tyler:**   _same._

**Me:**   _do you ever feel like... nothing really matters? like everything you do adds up to nothing_

**Tyler:** _yeah. I think about that a lot._

**Tyler:** _but not you, josh. you already add up to something great_

**Me:**   _so do you :)_

**Tyler:** _midnight thoughts, huh_

**Me:**   _yeah. you all good, tyler joseph?_

**Read at 3: 27am**

Josh considered texting Tyler then - he spent a full minute typing and backspacing variations of the same words - but couldn't bring himself to do it. It was nearly 4am, for goodness' sake. He put his phone back on his bedside table and lay back down, looking at the wall. There was a dull ache in his stomach, and after a while he realised his pillow was wet. He turned over once again, so he was on his side.  _What's wrong with you?_  he asked him self angrily.

_I care too much._

Just then, his phone lit up with a text message. And when he leaned over and checked it, he knew that however bad his day had been, Tyler's day had been worse.

**3:54AM**

**Tyler:** _why does he fucking want me dead_


	3. Tyler

Tyler ran past all the headlights driving east.

He followed the road away from his city, away from his family, away from his home, and he kept running. No more shadows no more insignificance no more of the death that was settling in all around him, silently, gently. It would seize upon a sleeping person, steal into them and devour them bit by bit.  _I think I'm going west still,_ he thought. He wished he was good with directions. He wished he didn't hide behind his mouth. He wished he wasn't so goddamn  _stupid._

Stupid. Worthless. Those were the words he grew up hearing. They were the words he tried to outrun, because if he let them in, they might stay there and grow and fill him up until the only thing left of him is  _worthless stupid worthless stupid worthless stupid worthless stupid_  and there was nothing to do but run harder and fill himself with other words.

_This time it will be different. This time I will stay awake._

He ran for miles but didn't count them, passing dark house after dark house. He felt sorry for everyone in the town that was sleeping. Perhaps a little while ago he would have balked at the idea of running so far and fast, but now he relished in the prospect. His feet pounded the tarmac with all the grace of a sack of wet concrete; the springing graceful steps of two miles earlier had long since disappeared.

What was there for him in Columbus? A family that hated him? A shadow that never left him alone? He wanted to keep running from it, keep running until he couldn't anymore, but he knew it didn't work that way. Nothing worked that way. 

Tyler felt like he was living in a dream. Living in a life that belonged to someone else. A fucking mess of a life, at that. He laughed.

These moods came on every once in a while. Normally they were things he could talk through with Josh. Normally.  _Normally_. Normally it turned out okay. But now...

It was almost four in the morning. Tyler was cold. Tyler was aching. He should've taken clothes with him. He should've taken food. There weren't even voices in his head telling him this - it would have been much easier if there were voices, because then it would be a conversation. But these were things he knew, and no voice needed to bother to say them. His mind was on fire now, and it'd take hours for it to cool down enough to think plausibly again.

So Tyler stopped running. It took him a moment to catch his breath, bent over with hands resting on shaking thighs. He looked up, tried to gather his bearings, but the only dents in the thick, opaque darkness were scattered roadside markers. His breaths condensed softly. The road was completely abandoned.

So Tyler climbed a few fences and screamed at the sky.

What the hell was he supposed to do? His family hated him. He hated himself more. And the reason, the reason his life was so fucked, was because he was a screw up. He couldn't do a single thing right. All he did was piss off his dad and bask in his own fucking sadness.

Music helped a bit. It was a cliché, he knew, but it was true. The thing was, his lyrics didn't make sense to anyone but himself. It was just messed up words with messed up tunes and in that instant he was so overwhelmingly alone that his throat felt thick.

Miles and miles. His mouth was dry. Everything ached.

At least it was quieter now. It was never silent, but it could get quiet.  _What strange creatures we are,_  Tyler thought, _to find silence peaceful._ Especially when permanent silence was the thing everyone dreaded the most. Night was not that. Night still creaked, still rustled and whispered and trembled in it's throat. It wasn't darkness people feared, but the helplessness within it. How merciful to have been granted the other senses. 

Tyler was still pondering this when something caught his attention; two orbs puncturing the darkness, creeping closer from a mile away.  _Headlights_. They hurtled down the road toward him, dancing erratically in his crazed vision.  _No. I won't be found. Not this time._ But the headlights came closer, and Tyler didn't move. Fifty metres. Ten metres.

Tyler watched with vacant eyes as the vehicle slowed, a literal doe caught in the headlights. He swallowed as the car parked off the road a bit, engine switching off quickly. The night was silent again, and suddenly Tyler was shivering to within an inch of his life. He didn't move as someone stepped out of the car, cursing quietly. An officer. Of course it was.

"You alright, son?" Flashlights in his eyes. "Didn't you see the sign?"

Tyler had, in fact, seen the sign. WARNING, it had read. DANGER OF DEATH.

"Yeah, I saw it. What irony. Is there a single place in this world where someone is not in danger of death?"

A pause. Tyler guessed the officer had been heading home after a long shift. Poor guy. "Look. It's late, and you shouldn't be out here. I'll take you back to-"

"No thanks."

The officer paused again, studying this time with his hands in his pockets. Tyler was expecting some kind of lecture, about the dangers of being out in the early hours on weird private property, but it didn't come.

"Son, you're not alone."

Tyler didn't answer. He wanted to.

_Actually, I am alone, which is part of the problem. We are all alone, trapped in these bodies and in our own minds, and whatever company we have is fleeting and superficial._

The officer inhaled slowly, looking around in the  darkness as if answers were plastered in the chill air. Tyler just stared at him with round, doe eyes. The officer started talking again, but Tyler wasn't listening. He was blacking everything out. The officer was on the other side of the barrier. Everything was on the other side of the barrier. 

Tyler was sure some people would think this was denial, but it wasn't. Tyler didn't care. He was pretty sure to be in denial, you had to care. All he felt was the bored emptiness of the flat, flat world. And there was no one that bored him more than himself. 

He didn't believe tomorrow would be better. Or any tomorrow. He knew that was wrong. So why didn't it feel that way?

_Somebody catch my breath..._


	4. Josh

Josh woke up late, and stayed staring at the ceiling for a solid ten minutes before moving. 

10:32 AM.

Okay. Okay Okay.

Josh took several deep breaths, before rolling over onto his stomach and grabbing his phone of his bedside table. Nothing. He texted Tyler a simple _hey_ before heading to the shower. 

He stepped inside and closed the door, throwing off his shirt and turning on the hot water. Josh would often let the water run so hot over his body it left his skin raw and red. After showering his skin would always tingle, and he couldn't explain why he liked it so much. It was good to feel something, Josh decided.

Josh threw off the rest of his clothes and held his hand under the water, gritting his teeth slightly before getting in. He closed the door and let the steam consume him completely. He pressed his forehead against the cool glass, closing his eyes as he took in the feeling of his skin on fire. It was, at best, a slightly unhealthy habit Josh had picked up. He had done it for the most part of his teenage years.

It was a Josh thing.

When he'd finished washing himself and staring at himself blankly in the mirror for a solid five minutes, he made his way back to his bedroom, feeling slightly empty. Junior year. Junior year with Tyler.

Tyler.

He'd sent a simple message in reply to Josh's text: _hey, joshua._

Joshua's thumbs hovered for a moment, then he closed his messages and opened phone. Tyler's name was at the top. _Fuck it._

One ring. Two rings. Three-

"Tyler?"

A sigh came from the other end of the phone. "Hey, Josh."

Josh grinned to himself, relieved. "Hey. Uh, how are you?"

"Yeah, good. I'm good."  There was a weird sort of echo drifting around on Tyler's end of the phone. His voice seemed different, too. Discordant.

Josh fumbled for something to say. And then something clattered, almost as though Tyler had dropped his phone. There was muffled talking, raised voices. Then Tyler's voice came back. "Look, I've got to go, Joshie. I'll try to talk later."

Josh frowned. "Tyler? Are you okay?"

Tyler paused. "Yes. No. I don't know."

"Did... did you have a rough night?" Josh said softly. He knew Tyler well enough by now to know when something was wrong.

There was another pause. "Kind of. But it's okay. I'm okay."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I just wish things were different. I'd like to say this is unusual, but it's just... it's just my life."

Josh stared at his comforter, chewing his lip. "Hey. It's okay, Ty. Do you want to, like, meet up later?"

"I- I can't. I'm sorry. I have to go."

"Tyler-"

"Believe me, Josh. It's better this way."

Tyler hung up. Josh stared at his phone for a moment, blinking. _What the fuck?_

Slowly, he sat up in his bed. Sunlight flooded in through his window, in a way that made him feel uncomfortable and too hot. Too bright. Like every key on a piano, all played at once. The day was bright, animatedly so. The city was awake. Josh wished he was, too. He used to be. He used to be fucking ebullient.

Josh stood up suddenly, walking over to his wardrobe and throwing on some clean clothes.

Joshua Dun was seventeen years and three months old. And right now, there was only one thing that he'd come across in all his life that could make him feel more than ebullient.

Or rather, one person.

He grabbed his phone and quickly made his way to the kitchen. His sisters sat around the table, and his brother stood in front of the TV, drinking coffee with no shirt on. Everyone looked surprised to see him.

"Hey, Josh." His mom called from the kitchen. "How are you?"

"Fine. I'll see you later." He grabbed his car keys and headed outside. 

A minute later he was driving away from his house in the family car. He connected his phone to the aux chord - that, at least, worked - and tried to concentrate. His mind was racing and he willed his eyes to focus on the road in front of him. It had been at least a month since he had been behind the wheel. He rubbed his eyes and turned on the pathetic air conditioning and ran a hand through his hair. Saturday morning. Two days before term started. And Tyler Joseph was missing. 

Again.  

Tyler generally came and went as he wanted. 

Josh brushed his hair out of his eyes and nervously tapped his fingers on the steering wheel. Driving sometimes made him nervous. As did a lot of things. 

Josh had a bit of an anxiety problem.

That was something he had in common with Tyler, along with a mutual love for Taco Bell and Mario Kart. He couldn't drive without music, for one thing. And he presently had it blaring. But for some reason, he couldn't stay still. His mind was overcome with one thought.

_Where the hell would Tyler go?_


	5. Tyler

Tyler was stuck.

He was stuck in an empty room in a run down police station in the middle of nowhere. Waiting. It was all he ever seemed to be doing these days.

He'd been moved around a lot that morning. Offered biscuits. Water. Smiles.

Tyler didn't have it in him to offer anything back.

He wanted nothing more than to walk right out of the heavy oak front doors, and to just keep running. But he was in fucking Springfield. There was really nowhere else he could go, and even if there was, it wouldn't make a difference because he'd just be running from himself, and he'd come to realise that he couldn't do that no matter how hard he tried, and trying hard is what got him in this predicament in the first place.

Tyler checked his phone for the millionth time that morning. Just a tiny red sliver remained in his battery icon. He wished humans came with the same kind of indicator. It would have made things much easier. He would know how to deal with every person on the planet, and he'd always be in the red.

Suddenly, the officer from before opened the door to the waiting room Tyler was being kept in. He stepped inside. Closed the door. Adjusted his shirt.

The two were silent for a moment, in a weird kind of muted deadlock. They both seemed lost in thought. Tyler wasn't really. Sometimes he tried to look like he was deep in thought to avoid having a conversation with someone. Though this conversation seemed quite unavoidable. The officer studied Tyler for a moment, before sitting down opposite him. Tyler swallowed.

"So, do you want to tell me what exactly you were doing this morning at 4 am?"

Tyler avoided eye contact. He looked at the floor. Spotless concrete. Spotless room. Two small, hard chairs. The lights were far too bright. Tyler could feel the force of them sinking slowly into his skull. The walls were whitewashed and painfully bare.

"You know you weren't supposed to be there."

"Yeah."

The officer stared at him a moment longer, and Tyler could see the cogs whirring in his mind. He could hear them.

The officer sighed and leaned forward. "Your drug test came back negative. You weren't high, or under the influence of alcohol. So tell me, what's the deal?"

"I don't know." Tyler muttered.

"Everything okay at home?"

Tyler didn't answer. What the fuck kind of question was that?

The officer reluctantly continued. "Well, we're gonna keep you here for a few more hours, just to sort things out. Your parents around?"

"No." Tyler exhaled through his nose, looking at the ceiling.

The officer eyed Tyler. Tyler eyed him back. He almost felt bad for the guy. A damn shame, really, he had to deal with Tyler's baggage. Couldn't be easy. "Son, if you don't tell me what's going on, you'll be staying more than a night."

Tyler flinched as the man leant forward even more. He had very prominent blue eyes. Almost bulging. Tyler didn't like them.

"I went for a walk." He mumbled.

"From where?"

"Columbus."

The Officer blew out between his cheeks. "You walked here. From  _Columbus_."

"Mm."

A pause. Their conversation seemed to ebb more than it flowed.

"Son, if you need help, we can get you it. You know that, don't you?"

"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. Can you drop me home?"

The Officer nodded slowly. "I'll talk to you later today. You need to get some sleep first."

Tyler's phone was confiscated. His earplugs. His wallet. They told him it was all just for a few hours. They asked him who they could call. Tyler gave them a fake number.

They gave him some white pills. Put him in a white room. With a white bed. White sheets. 

"It's okay," Tyler tried to say, running a hand through his hand nervously. Now there was just one white-clad person in the room with him while he sat on the bed. "I'm not tired. I just want to go back to Columbus. Josh... will be worried..."

The woman smiled warmly, like her face was melting. "Josh can wait. You need to rest."

She left eventually. Tyler sat.

_What was I thinking? Why why why why why why why why._

People always used to call Tyler impulsive. Or, alternatively, super fucking crazy. And Tyler never used to understand it. _I just don't want to stay here all the time,_  he used to say. _I just don't like it._

But it was things like _this._ This was the kind of thing he couldn't make excuses for. No matter how incredibly revolutionary Tyler felt when he ran away to scream at a few fences, he was just a broken, fucked up boy that no one had time for.

It was stupid. And Tyler felt stupid for being there. And stupid for thinking that it would be okay. It wasn't okay. Nothing about this was okay.

Blurryface sighed.  _Just when I thought you couldn't get anymore fucked._

Tyler ignored him and glanced around the room. Everything was clean and sanitary, with no hazards or sharp things or loose things. 

Just white. White silence.

His hands kneaded together nervously, unconsciously. He desperately wished he had his phone on him still, just to tell Josh he was okay. And to make sure Josh was. He hadn't seen him all week, and his phone call had been cut short that morning. He probably wouldn't get another chance for a while. And he knew he had no one else to turn to.

Tyler rubbed at his darkly ringed eyes. His brain felt like it had shut down. His senses had all abandoned him.  _I should sleep. I should sleep._

Tyler didn't sleep.

Doors clanging. Locks grating. Footsteps on shiny hallways. Too bright, fluorescent lights danced before his eyes like a kaleidoscope.  _They probably should've thought that through,_  Tyler thought. The white was surrounding. A bloodless void. Tyler felt the same.

_Behind both of my eyes..._


	6. Josh

Josh's shaking shoulders were completely insuppressible at this point.

A serious storm had blown in since the morning. The wind was raw and stinging and borderline fucking Siberian. It buffeted against the car windows, the entire vehicle shaking with such force it whistled in Josh's ears, and he tapped his fingers rhythmically on the steering wheel and thought of Tyler out there somewhere, his head down, teeth clenched, walking into the wind.

He checked Taco Bell first, just in case. 

Tyler wasn't there. He got a chalupa anyway, and ate it in his car with the heat blasting. He and Tyler did this once. Josh cringed. That was the time he accidentally called Tyler 'babe,' and Tyler never let him live it down.

The second place he could think to go was the local coffee house. He and Tyler often met up there after school to dump bottomless caffeinated garbage into their failing corpses and judge people walking past the window. Their friendship ran on a cruel sort of irony. Josh parked and pulled on his jacket, locking the car door and awkwardly half-jogging down the sidewalk with his head down against the rain. He pushed against the door to the shop and stumbled inside, immediately overcome with warmth. 

"Can I help you?"

Josh looked up to see a middle aged woman staring at him from behind the counter. He nodded. "Uh, yeah. I was wondering if you remember a boy in here late last night. Seventeen. Quite tall.  Probably wearing a red b-"

"Oh yeah. I remember. He was sitting over there in the corner for hours. I eventually had to get him out at 3am so he wouldn't spend the night in here."

Josh frowned. That was such a typical Tyler thing to do. "Do you know where he went, at all?"

"Well. He was sitting just around the corner for a few minutes, I think. Then he just got up and walked away. No idea where. Has something happened?"

"Yeah. Thanks for telling me." Josh chewed at his lip for a moment. "Can I get a coffee?"

\------------------

Josh drove and drove and drove.

He thought about Tyler as he did. He thought about dark eyes and curly hair and tan skin. He thought about his grin and his bag covered with badges for bands whose names seemed to have come from the Dictionary of Contentious Words. He thought about skinny jeans and capri-suns and the weirdest god damn laugh Josh had ever come across in his life.

 Before they started talking, Josh used to think he and Tyler didn't have that much in common. Tyler was so much stronger than Josh thought he was. Tyler was alert and smart, soaring and plummeting through clouds, while Josh often felt like the cloud itself.  


But now...

Josh didn't believe in soul mates. But he believed in him and Tyler.

Damn it. He needed to concentrate. He tried to direct his mind's focus to his fingers tapping on the steering wheel instead. The road was empty. Guided by Voices played.

Josh quickly checked his phone for the millionth time that day. Between 11 o'clock in the morning and now he'd called Tyler thirteen times and texted him nine times. Nothing back. He scanned over all of their last texts, tried to remember what Tyler had said during their last call.

_I just wish things were different. I'd like to say this is unusual, but it's just... my life._

What the hell did Tyler mean? 

_Believe me, Josh. It's better this way._

He drove to Tyler's house. Well, Tyler's parents house. Tyler didn't stay there very much anymore. The lights were off and no one was home. He texted Jenna, one of their friends, and she hadn't talked to him for days. Josh drove to every place he could think of, every place that made him think of Tyler even a little bit. Every place he deemed inherently 'theirs.' After a while he knew there wasn't any point, he knew there was no chance of finding Tyler, but he had to keep looking and he had to keep driving because God he wanted him right now and then there was the lingering thought that whispered  _what if Tyler isn't okay_ and Josh knew he would never forgive himself so he turned up the music and drove.

\----------------------

 **Me:** _Ty, where are you?? Are you okay?? Please answer as soon as you can. Please._

**Sent at 4:47 PM**

Josh leant back on his seat, his eyes closing, afraid that he'd have passed out if he didn't pull over then. His body ached. he'd been driving for hours, the most he'd ever done in one sitting, and somehow his mind was still begging for more. His body, however, disagreed. He was low on gas and he was freezing and hungry. He sat in his car alone, the rain getting heavier, his phone out of charge. He felt just as grey as the faded skyline outside. All the feelings were dead inside of him, and he wanted them to be alive.

_Wait it out. Wait it out._

By the time five o'clock rolled around, he was slowly on his way back to his home to face his family and his superficial worries and no Tyler. It was quarter past when he finally parked the car and headed inside, sheltering his head against he rain. He headed straight to his bedroom and fell into his bed while his family ate dinner downstairs. 

This was the foolish refrain of the hopelessly devoted.   



	7. Tyler

The woman came back at five o'clock. 

Tyler startled as when he heard the door open. He waited for a moment, then rolled over and pretended to yawn. The woman looked at him skeptically from the doorway, and Tyler couldn't be bothered reinforcing the lie. He hated it here, so much he almost felt sick. He wanted Josh. _He wanted Josh._

The woman clicked her tongue, tilting her head to signal him to move. Tyler's phone, wallet and earplugs were in her hands, and he exhaled audibly. "Alright, Mr Joseph. Let's go. We don't wanna keep you here any longer than we have to."

Tyler almost snorted as he followed her down the hallway.

The officer was waiting by the front desk, sipping a cup of coffee. Tyler swore his face sank when he spotted him. 

"Are you ready to go?"

Tyler nodded, standing awkwardly in the foyer, clutching his phone in his hands. The rain drummed hard on the roof. The secretary tapped on his keyboard in time. 

The officer looked hard at Tyler for a moment, clearly quite tired of dealing with him. "You got some sleep, yeah?"

Tyler nodded again, and the officer checked his watch before glancing back at the boy. "Are you sure there are no relatives I could ring?"

"My mom's in Cleveland this weekend," Tyler lied. "I've just been at home."

"Alright. I don't want you starting any trouble from here on in, y'hear? Let's go."

So Tyler followed the officer outside into the cold, and they jogged to the carpark where a police car waited. Tyler stood in the rain while the officer fumbled for his keys, and then he slid into the passenger seat and took a deep breath, his head resting on the seat. The officer shoved his key into the ignition, and the car rolled forward.

Tyler glanced out the window for a while, eyes following the tracks of rain sliding down the glass. Then he took out his phone for the first time in seven hours.

**_19 missed calls_ **

**_27 messages from: Josh_ **

Tyler's eyes widened. He scrolled through pages and pages of unread texts.

_**Sent at 11:33 am:** Tyler, are you okay?_

_**Sent at 1:56 pm:** Text me as soon as you can_

**_Sent at 2:04 pm:_ ** _Where the hell are you??_

_**Sent at 2:48 pm:** Please let me know you're okay_

**_Sent at 3:39 pm:_** _I'm worried make me not worried_

 ** _Sent at 4:23 pm:_**   _you around?? I can pick you up if you need. Please tell me you're not out in this storm  
_

And more. So much more. 

Despite it all, a warm feeling began to grow in his chest. Josh cared about him. Josh was checking up on him because he was genuinely concerned for Tyler's wellbeing. Josh was...

Well. Josh was Tyler's everything.

 Not that he'd ever tell him that.

The window wipers scraped pathetically at the droplets forming. The officer hummed to himself, tapping on the steering wheel. 

Tyler began to type.

_**You:** I'm okay. _

Josh texted back almost immediately.

 ** _Josh:_** _WHAT THE HELL!_

_**Josh:** Can you tell me what's going on?? I drove for almost the whole day looking for you_

**_You:_  ** _What??_ _Why ?_

_**Josh:** Because I was worried. How're you holding up? What happened?_ _  
_

**_You:_ ** _I'm doing fine, Joshie. I'll be back in Columbus in an hour or two. My phone's about to die. tTalk later???_ _  
_

**Josh:** _you_ _swear?  
_

**_You:_  ** _of course. thanks Josh._

At that moment, Tyler's phone screen blanked. He put it back in his pocket and stared out the window tiredly. Right then, the sky was nothing at all. It was like a child began to draw on it with a pencil and then erased it in a way that smudged and spread the grey. Swollen. Clouds hanging like malevolent angels. The tires slicked over the road. The wipers dragged across the window. The officer hummed. 

_God, hit me straight on..._


	8. Josh

When the night grew so quiet you could hear the moon rise, Tyler went to Josh's door.

It was one in the morning and Josh was sitting at his desk by the window, reading some online story and trying to stay awake when the boy stumbled in. He stood in the middle of room, shaking, looking at Josh with nervous eyes.

Josh looked up, and stared at him in awe for a moment. He opened his mouth. Closed it. Stared at Tyler. Opened his mouth.

"Cold?" He finally choked out, like some monosyllabic mouth-breather.

Tyler nodded, already slipping off his shoes and climbing into Josh's bed, pulling up the covers. His teeth chattered like morse code.

"Jesus. Are you alright?" Josh pulled his chair over to the bed.

"Better now. Warmer." A small, ghost white hand appeared from beneath the blanket. "Hold my hand, will ya?"

Josh smiled. "Alright, but that's it. No kissing," he joked, then nearly hit himself. Why must he make everything so unbearably awkward? The blanket shook with Tyler's laughter. Josh was still trying to get over the fact that Tyler had come to _his_ house. Not his parent's. Not Jenna's.

Tyler trusted Josh.

"What are you doing here?" Josh whispered.

Tyler was still shaking. "I didn't know where else to go. I'm sorry."

"It's okay. Shh," he murmured. "Where have you been?"

Tyler hesitated. "I walked to Springfield," was the muffled reply.

"What? Forty miles!"

"Forty three." Tyler corrected. "Well, forty three there. Forty three back. Eighty three miles. No. Eighty... eighty six. Yes. Eighty six miles in fourteen hours. But I got a lift back," he added quickly, obviously noticing Josh's expression.

Josh frowned, running his thumb over Tyler's palm. "What the hell is in Springfield?"

Tyler hesitated. "Not much. I just walked until I got tired, then I, uh, stopped."

"Did you eat?"

Tyler's face appeared from beneath the duvet. "Yeah, Josh."

"Drink?"

"Yeah, Josh."

"Sleep?"

Tyler grinned a little, fists curling around the comforter. "You really think?"

Josh snorted gently. "Mmm. No."

Tyler's hand was frozen and Josh grabbed it tight, Tyler's cold seeping into him and his warmth into Tyler. 

Tyler was impulsive. Josh had known that since the first time Tyler had gone away. And now... a 3am walk to fucking Springfield a day before term began? Josh wanted to be mad at him, because that just wasn't what people _did_.

But this wasn't people. This was Tyler.

Tyler was on the brink of sleep at this point, and Josh waited a few more minutes, eyes soft as he watched the boy. He pushed Tyler's wet hair back off his forehead gently, like he was the most delicate thing in the world. Maybe he was.

"Goodnight Tyler," he whispered, but it was too late. Tyler was asleep, his hand limp in Josh's. Josh was glad. He knew that Tyler would sleep eventually. It was the first intimation that the body always won. No matter how awake someone felt, no matter how much they wanted their night to stretch out infinitely, sleep was inevitable. Tyler seemed to be able to dodge it for one or two giddy cycles, but the body's need always returned. Josh placed Tyler's hand back under the blanket and looked out the window, listening to Tyler's slow, even breaths, his stubbornness finally melting away in the face of insurmountable fatigue.

\----------------------

Sunday was flat. Like vodka down the kitchen sink. 

Josh hadn't had the greatest of sleeps, waking up every half an hour in his uncomfortable chair and cursing Tyler's name under his breath, but it was almost nine o'clock now and there was no way he was going to even try to sleep again. He waited for a few minutes, listening to his mom making breakfast downstairs. Then he gently nudged Tyler awake. "Hey..." he whispered.

Tyler stirred slightly. "Josh," he murmured, his voice thick with sleep. He was tangled in Josh's comforter, his hair dishevelled.

Josh rubbed his shoulder. "You awake?"

"No, I'm asleep," Tyler breathed, turning towards Josh's touch, rubbing his face with one sleepy hand and cracking his eyes. Josh smiled through the grey morning light, stroking his forehead.

"You look awake to me..." Josh murmured back. "How're you holding up?"

"Good, good." Tyler murmured distractedly, shoving his face back into the pillow.

"Are you hungry?"

"Mmm..." Tyler's breathing deepened, his chest rising and falling. He was asleep again in moments. Josh smiled a little, then stood up, stretched, and quietly left the room, shutting the door behind him. He made his way downstairs slowly, entering the kitchen and yawning.

"Mom?"

Josh's mom glanced up from where she was sitting at the kitchen table. "Mmm?"

"Uh, Tyler sort of had a rough day yesterday, and he came here really late. He's asleep right now. Is it... okay... if he stays for a while? Just to sort things out?"

Josh's mom nodded slowly. "Yeahh... yes. That's fine. Is he in your bedroom?"

"Yeah," Josh said, sliding over the kitchen tiles towards the pantry. "He's really tired. I'll find some chocolate or protein bars or something to give him. It won't be a problem."

"If you say so. And Josh, I want to talk about what happened the other day. I'm-"

"Mom, not right now. It doesn't matter. I'll go sort Tyler out first." Josh swallowed, grabbing a handful of snacks from a shelf before turning and traipsing back upstairs. The house was dark, and he and his mom were the only ones awake. Josh slowly made his way back down the landing, so distracted he walked right past his bedroom door.

_What was he going to do about this?_

When he eventually peeked his head around his bedroom door, Tyler was sitting upright in bed, staring at nothing.

"Tyler?" Josh said softly.

Tyler looked up quickly, and his face broke into a smile. "Oh. Hi."

Josh walked into the room, chucking an energy bar in Tyler's direction and cracking one open for himself. "So, where were you when I called you the other day?" He asked sitting down cross-legged beside Tyler.

Tyler frowned. "What?"

"Well, you were inside somewhere. With someone. What was going on?"

Tyler snuggled down into the bed more. "I got in trouble," he murmured.

"What do you mean?" Josh asked cautiously.

"I trespassed on this stupid field. Got caught. But it's okay now. Can we talk about something else?"

Josh stared at Tyler for a moment, sitting in his bed with his comforter wrapped around him. Tyler stared back earnestly. _I mean,_ Josh thought. _What the fuck._

"Is everything okay with your parents, Tyler?" Josh asked softly.

Tyler's eyes flickered to the ground. "Yeah. Of course."

"Where have you been staying?"

"Why does everyone keep asking me that?" Tyler frowned, kneading his hands together. "I do what I can, Josh, and I do okay. I'm alive. That's what matters."

"What matters is that you _want_ to be." Josh exhaled slowly, feeling Tyler's gaze level on him heavily. "We've known each other for a while now, Tyler. And I've _noticed._ I've noticed the way you disappear at social events, how defensive you are when people ask if you're okay, how you're always snapping the band on your wrist. I want to help you."

"Why?" Tyler whispered.

"Because... because you're my friend. You're my best friend, Ty." Josh replied, trying to keep his voice level. "You make me ebullient," he added softly. That made Tyler smile at the comforter. Josh was glad he didn't notice his blush. Tyler always teased him for it. He stared earnestly at Tyler nonetheless, waiting, and eventually Tyler met his gaze. The air stiffened. 

Then Tyler got up and picked up his jacket from the floor, shrugging it on.

"What are you doing?" Josh watched him, confused.

Tyler turned to Josh with a slight smirk on his face.

"Can we go get Taco Bell?"


	9. Tyler

Tyler glanced across at Josh as they sat and waited for their meals. Tyler had ordered the Chalupa Supreme, like he always did, and Josh had gone for the Cheesy Gordita Crunch.

And for some reason, Tyler was nervous. Josh had been watching him on the car ride there, eyes darting as Frank Ocean played. Almost  _expectantly._  Tyler had had a hell of a week. And now Josh wanted answers.

Tyler could hardly blame him.

Their meals arrived. Tyler grinned at Josh, trying to soften him. Josh smiled back. "Wow. You really love Taco Bell, don't you?"

Tyler nodded. "I could write a song about it," he replied, unwrapping his meal.

They ate in a comfortable silence. Tyler liked this. He liked any time he spent with Josh. Josh had this calming aura to him, and it was so much easier for Tyler to just look at him than to think about things, and the truth is that looking at him made Tyler so goddamn  _happy._ Maybe that was why Tyler went to Josh's instead of anyone else the previous night. Because sometimes you do things not because you're thinking, but because you're  _feeling._  Because you're feeling so much.

And Josh had held his hand.

"So." Josh said. "Tell."

Tyler caught his eye, suddenly defensive. Or something like that.

"Look, I'm actually fi-"

"Ah. Don't you dare tell me there's nothing to tell because I won't believe you. Never bullshit a bullshitter, Tyler Joseph." Josh raised an eyebrow.

"I don't think it matters. It ju-"

Tyler stopped when he saw Josh's face. Josh sighed, his eyes still on Tyler.

"You cant keep it inside, Ty."

Tyler sighed, looking at his meal. "Or maybe I can't keep it at all. Maybe it shouldn't even be mine to deal with in the first place."

Josh waited a moment, then spoke firmly. "Who did this to you, Tyler?"

Tyler inhaled sharply. "What?"

"Who did this to you?" Josh repeated. And Tyler looked at him, and he could hear all the things he wasn't saying. Every question in Josh's eyes.

_Who has messed you up so bad, emotionally and mentally, that you completely shut down anyone who tries to help you? You don't talk about your feelings, you push people away, and you let negativity in. You refuse to open up and let people love or care about you. Who the hell did this to you?_

Tyler's situation with his family had always been kind of an open secret between him and Josh. But the truth was, an open secret was just a lie Tyler liked to tell himself. It was a lie that didn't work, because if he felt he still had a secret, there was no way for him to be truly open. In the interest of self preservation, he thought it was sometimes best to keep things back, to keep things hidden. But right now, he really didn't want self preservation to define who he was.

Tyler sat in complete silence through all this. Josh let him. They listened to the mindless chatter of the people around them. The calling from the staff. The scraping of chairs and clatter of emptying trash.

Then Tyler met Josh's eyes.

"My father is an obsessed bastard."

The first sentence of the truth was always the hardest, Tyler decided. It seemed that everyone had a first sentence, and most people found the strength to say it out loud to someone who deserved to hear it. What we hoped, and what we found, was that the second sentence of the truth was always easier than the first, and the third was even easier than that. Suddenly we were speaking the truth in paragraphs, in pages.

Josh didn't say anything. Tyler continued.

"He's always fucking hated me. Ever since I was a little boy. At first, I thought it was normal. But he was always so _disappointed._  Every chance he got he'd insult me to the point I was scared to go near him. Worthless. Stupid. It was just so _senseless._  For all I know how much he hated me, I still can't understand it." Tyler absentmindedly snapped at the rubber band on his wrist. He glanced out the window, his voice a murmur, talking more to himself than Josh.

"I was just so tired of him getting upset for no reason. The way he would get sulky or mad but then never say what was wrong, never have any goddamned reason _to_   _be_ sad apart from the thorough disappointment of not having a different son. And I just think you ought to have a reason, y'know? He never had a reason. And he took all his shit out on the rest of us. I spent my entire childhood wanting to be a better brother, better son, Josh." Tyler realised what he was doing and left the band alone.

Josh nodded slowly, his face solemn as he finished his taco. "It's okay if, sometimes, you know, you want to stay at mine. You know that, right?"

Tyler swallowed. "Yeah, Josh."

Josh twisted his fingers, distracted. "I'm really glad you told me," he said.

"Hmm?" Tyler glanced up.

"Well. I wasn't sure you would." Josh blew air out between his cheeks. "I'm so glad you're nothing like your dad, Ty."

"Me too."

They sat in silence for a moment, letting the Taco Bell bustle wash back over the remains of the conversation. Tyler didn't know what else to say. Or do. So being the person he is, he awkwardly went in for a high five.

Josh stared at Tyler's hand for a moment. Then he slowly lifted his hand and threaded their fingers together, so they were bound for a second. Josh caught Tyler's eye, but Tyler's heart was beating so fast he had to look away.

"We should come back sometime." Josh murmured.

Oh god.

Tyler looked at Josh properly then. He always seemed to have Josh on his mind, always trying to figure him out, always wondering why they were friends and why it seemed to matter so much. Josh looked right back, his eyes sincere and passionate and bright. Tyler exhaled through his nose, drinking the boy in. How was it even humanly possible to look the way Josh did? He had a face that probably competed with Helen of Troy's in the ship launching department. His cheekbones. His smirk. His perfectly curved nose. His big brown eyes. His messy brown curls that kept falling into his eyes. _Far too good to be windswept,_  Tyler thought.

"That sounds good." Tyler replied softly.

And it did.

_I will make you believe you are lovely..._


	10. Josh

 Josh walked along the edge of the school parking lot, his hands jammed into his black hooded jacket and his head down. The first day of the school term was finally over, and Josh was trying to ignore all the cars in line beside him, honking at each other far too aggressively for half past three in the afternoon.

"Josh! Joshua Dun!" somebody yelled out of one of the cars. Josh kept his head down, didn't react, but the car caught up with him anyway. He looked up and recognised it immediately - Jenna's car. Tyler was in the passenger seat and Jenna was leaning over him, calling out the rolled down window.

"Yeah?" Josh sighed.

"Need a ride?" Jenna grinned.

"No thanks." It was only a hundred more metres or so until his turn off, and he wanted to get some pretzels on the way home.

"Are you sure? I don't mind taking you home. First day of school, y'know?" Jenna chirped. Josh looked over at her, leaning out the window with her long blonde hair, her perfect cheekbones, her scarily blue eyes. Tyler was trying to keep a hand on the steering wheel as they moved along at a pathetic pace. Josh considered for a moment, then walked to the car and opened the back door. Next thing he knew he was climbing into the backseat, shoving aside piles of books and food wrappers.

"Sorry about the mess," Jenna apologised, taking the wheel from Tyler. Josh just grunted. The car inched forward.

Nobody talked for a while - Josh and Tyler were both staring out the window, and Jenna was concentrating on getting out of the crush of the carpark. _Don't stop believing_  played quietly on the radio, and Jenna hummed along until she was on the main road and able to turn to Josh, smiling.

"So, how are you, Josh? I feel like I haven't seen you for ages. How was your first day of term? We're juniors! Did you see Brendon at all? I heard he already broke his Good Mormon Values by drawing a pink-sharpie-dick on the whiteboard in english." Jenna finally paused for breath, pulling a sharp right and sending books flying.

Josh opened and closed his mouth, trying to make sense of what had been said. "Uh, yeah, I saw him. And Pete and Pat and Gerard. Didn't see Frank or Ryan, though."

"I saw Frank when I was going to bio, but I think Ryan was away. Not sure." She shrugged. "But we've all got a ton of classes together though, so that's good." Jenna paused for a moment, cursing as a massive black van pulled in front of her. Something about the situation seemed hilarious to Tyler, which was evident when he started cracking up in the front seat.

"What the fuck?" Josh asked, confused.

"The numberplate... was literally PEPE420..." Tyler bent over, wheezing at the floor, utterly breathless.

Jenna rolled her eyes. "Oh my god, Tyler. You're twelve."

Tyler snorted. "Miss Black, I am older than you."

"That's exactly something a twelve year old would say." 

Tyler's face was unimpressed, but his eyes were still streaming. When he'd eventually composed himself, he turned to Josh, his eyes bright.

"So. Do you think Brendon and Ryan have a thing for each other?"

Josh nodded matter-of-factly, leaning forward. "Oh, for sure. Pete said they were inseparable this break." Pete was incredibly and disconcertingly good at updating everyone with group goings on. He was known for knowing things he shouldn't generally know. "Apparently they went ice skating together, and if that doesn't scream 'boyfriends' I don't know what does."

Tyler shook his head, just as they pulled onto Josh's empty street. Jenna parked a couple of houses away, then turned round to face Josh.

"Hey, me and Tyler are just gonna head back to mine to watch Netflix and eat poptarts, and you're welcome to come if you want." Jenna looked at him eagerly, and Josh could only stare back, feeling his heart sink.

He shouldn't be weird about this - he liked Jenna, after all. She was a great girl. But it was obvious to everyone at school that she was head over heels for Tyler. Josh knew exactly why. It seemed impossible that anyone could get close to him and _not_ fall for him at all. Tyler was magnetic and vibrant and alive - his brown eyes shone in the late afternoon sun, and his hair fell across his forehead in lazy waves. Tyler was gorgeous. Josh was always forgetting just how much, and he was always getting reminded in times like these. Not only that, but right now Tyler was _happy_. Eyes glittering. Enormous, satisfied grin splitting his face, with _that single perfect dimple._

"Uh, I can't today, sorry. I have to help my mom with something. Thanks for the lift though." Josh smiled tightly and grabbed his bag, going to open the car door. 

"Wait! I'll walk you there," Tyler said, frowning when Josh laughed.

"Ty, it's like ten metres away. I think I'll be okay."

"No, trust me," Tyler insisted. "You never know what hooligan might come at you in this exemplar white suburb."

Josh snorted, getting out of the car and letting Tyler follow him down the street. They fell in step after a moment, squinting into the late afternoon sun. Josh was glad the rain didn't hang around all week. He was getting tired of his mood being dictated by the dull sky.

They were basically at Josh's front door at this point, so Tyler stopped and gently nudged Josh's side. "Hey, I saw you playing the drums in the music room earlier. You're really good, you know that?" Tyler leant forward, rocking on his heels. 

"You did? Ah, no. It's just... just a hobby. I don't know." Josh shook his head, suddenly embarrassed.

"You're bullshitting, Joshua Dun." Tyler raised an eyebrow.

"Would I bullshit you, an authority figure?" Josh said sarcastically, smiling a little.

"Roll back the attitude, Joshua. But you really are good," Tyler said, shrugging.

"Well, so are you. I still remember when you played in the art's showcase last year. It was the greatest thing I'd ever seen." And it was. Josh remembered it so clearly - he and Tyler didn't know each other that well back then, and Josh remembered seeing him up there on the stage with his ukulele, eyes closed, playing some sweet, slow song he'd written, and Josh couldn't tear his eyes away from the boy all night.

"Thanks, Joshie." Tyler ducked his head, and Josh presumed he was blushing. Which made him smile, because Tyler wasn't normally a blusher.

Josh paused for a moment, sliding his toe along the pavement. He should go inside. Instead, he caught Tyler's eye, swallowing.

"You know what I like about you, Tyler Joseph? You're different. And interesting. And I feel like I can talk to you about anything. Don't let that go to your head."

Tyler laughed. "You know what I like about you, Joshua Dun?"

"What?"

"Everything."

Josh's breath caught. Tyler looked at him earnestly. He looked at him like he could see past the flesh and bone and bullshit, right into the person that's there, the one Josh didn't even know himself.

And then Josh's mom opened the door, and the boys jumped.

Her face lit up when she saw who Josh was with. "Oh, hey Tyler! How're you doing?"

"I'm good, thanks." Tyler smiled warmly, then glanced back at Josh. "I'll, uh, see you tomorrow, Josh."

"Yeah. Seeya," he replied, as Tyler smiled one last time, then made his way back up the street. Josh watched his back receding for a moment, then turned back to his mom.

"Josh? Have you got a moment?" she said, holding the door open for him as he stepped inside.

"Uh, sure." Josh dumped his bag on a stool and headed into the kitchen, opening the pantry and inhaling deeply. He knew what was coming.

"So. How was school?"

"Fine."

It was quiet for a moment. Josh's mom took a deep breath.

"Okay. So for his long exactly are we going to avoid talking about what happened?"

Josh shrugged. "I don't really want to talk to you."

"I'm really sorry, Josh. I didn't know how much of a big deal it would be. I should have let you-"

"Yeah, mom. I'm shit sure keenly aware that you should have let me come out. But you went and let literally everyone know that I'm gay."

There. It was out in the open now. 

Josh's mom swallowed. "Look, I'm really really sorry, Joshie. I'm still learning everyday. I made a huge mistake. And I totally understand that it might take a while to forgive me." Josh looked past her, out into living room. _This didn't need to happen, dammit._ Josh waited, letting the silence eat at the situation. Until his mom gave in.

"Please, Josh. Just say something."

He almost started laughing. "What the fuck do you want me to _say_?"

"I don't know." She sighed. "I'm just trying-"

"Okay, how about this? I'm pissed off. I'm upset. I feel like shit, mom. I mean, don't even fucking pretend you didn't know this would happen. Was this the whole goddamn point? Humiliating me?"

She shook her head, frowning. "Josh, listen-"

But Josh cut her off. "And you know what? You don't even get to say that it's not a big thing. This is a big fucking thing, okay?" Josh sighed. "Yeah. I'm gay. You figured it out. It was supposed to be... this is mine. I'm supposed to decide when and where and who knows and how I want to say it." Suddenly, his throat felt thick. "So yeah, you took that from me. And I get that you're my mom and you meant well and all, but it still really sucks." And then his voice cracked.

His mom rubbed at his back, sighing. "I'm sorry, Joshie. I'm so so sorry. For being so invasive. I'll leave you alone for a little bit now, yeah? I really am sorry." And then she left and Josh rested his elbows on the counter and put his head in his hands, angrily wiping away tears because _how fucking pathetic_ and there were people with bigger problems and Tyler probably had bigger problems but it was _still a big deal._ He went to open a poptart, then threw it in the bin instead before trudging up to his room.

At least Tyler didn't know.

Yet.


	11. Tyler

Tyler spotted Brendon waiting in the hallway just as the bell rang for first period on Tuesday morning. He was glad to have someone to head to english with - he hadn't seen Josh at all that morning, and his texts weren't being returned. Tyler maneuvered around the crush of students and nudged Brendon in the side.

"Hey, Bren! How was your break?" Tyler shot him a grin. He was 99 percent sure that the sweater Brendon had on belonged to Ryan.

"Hey Ty! It was really good, actually. What about you?" Brendon quickly shoved his phone in his pocket, turning to face Tyler and grinning.

"Yeah, fine." Tyler shrugged, then lowered his voice. "So. How's Ryan?"

At the mention of Ryan's name, Brendon's face flushed. "What about him?" he stuttered.

"You haven't seen him?" Tyler raised an eyebrow disbelievingly.

"Well. Yes. No. I, uh, I gotta go, Ty. Class... uh..." Brendon looked away, flustered. Tyler grinned to himself. There was definitely something going on, he confirmed. Brendon quickly walked to his locker and got out some books, his face still red. Tyler carried on his way to English, but was suddenly forced to stop.

"Um?"

Gerard was laying on the floor of the hall corridor, while Frank sat on his back. Both of them were seniors this year, and neither of them were very interested in acting that way.

"He wouldn't give me a fucking piggyback," Frank said simply.

"His class is literally two metres away," Gerard objected, trying to squirm away.

Frank didn't let him, complaining "If you loved me you would."

"Help." Gerard mouthed, but at that moment Jenna arrived, and took one look at Frank and Gerard. "That is borderline sexual. What the fuck." Her voice was disgusted, but she was grinning.

"Oh yes," Frank grinned wickedly. "Having a lot of fun, aren't we, Mr. Way?" Frank winked, and Gerard shoved him hard in the ribs before rolling him onto his back. Most students were used to the boy's antics by now, and didn't bat an eyelid at them literally rolling around on the floor of the hallway. Jenna rolled her eyes and walked on, and Tyler followed her to English.

They were almost half an hour into the lesson when Josh showed up.

He burst in, breathless, and soaked from the rain outside. Which sucked, Tyler thought, because he was wearing really nice clothes that day. Not nice as in formal - his black jeans had holes in both knees - but in the way his beanie looked like something he was meant to wear. Tyler didn't know if that made sense. Not like it was tugged on as an afterthought. And his shirt was grey in a way that looked silver, and...

His hair. Peeking out the front of his hat.

Josh was blue.

"Sorry I'm late," Josh murmured, finding a seat near the back of the class. Tyler just stared. When had he gotten it done? He immediately slipped his phone out of his pocket and held it under his desk, opening his messages.

**9:17 AM - to Josh Dun**

**me:** _I like your hair_

His phone buzzed within 30 seconds.

 **Josh:**   _t_ _hanks, ty._

 **me:**   _did you get it done last night?_

 **josh:**   _yeah._

Tyler looked up at Josh again, trying to catch his eye. Josh was staring hard down at his desk, fingers kneading into each other. And when Josh did finally look up, Tyler couldn't help but notice how red his eyes were.

And how he was shaking a little bit.

Tyler frowned, getting his phone out again.

 **me:** _josh?_

 **josh:** _what?_

 **me:** _is everything okay?_

 **josh:**   _yeah, of course. i'm fine_

 **me:** _you don't look fine_

 **josh:** _then stop looking_

Tyler was confused now. He turned around in his seat to face Josh, taking the boy in, the way he seemed to be taking deep, gulping breaths. 

He almost looked like he was going to cry.

Suddenly Josh stood up, and just walked straight out of the classroom. Tyler hesitated, trying to grasp what was going on. The class was quiet and curious, and Tyler watched for a moment before getting up and racing after Josh.

"Josh, wait!" He caught up with him, and Josh kept his head down, walking straight ahead.

"You don't have to tell me what happened. Just... is there anything I can do?"

"Go away, Tyler."

"What? I-"

"Seriously. Leave me alone."

Tyler shook his head. "Josh, stop it. Don't do this. Don't be like this. Come on." Bravely, he touched Josh's arm.

Josh looked at his arm. Then he looked up at Tyler. He blinked. He was shivering hard.

"Don't leave me alone." He murmured.

A minute later, they were sitting on the steps outside the school, Josh clutching his phone and not speaking. Tyler stared at his profile, drawing Josh's jaw and chin and nose with his eyes, drawing the pointed plains of his cheekbones, the curve of his mouth. He watched Josh watch the faded sky.

Josh swallowed hard. "Ty, do you remember that time we were talking about how... how nothing really matters?"

"I remember."

"Well, I mean, it's a pretty odd thing. Like, I get that everything is superficial. Nothing makes a real impact. But that doesn't stop things feel like they _do_ matter." He looked down, rubbing the toe of his shoe along the step.

"Because they do matter. You're still 100 percent valid, Josh. You're feelings are important, whether the universe has any meaning or not." Tyler grinned. 

"Is that why you do crazy things?"

Tyler looked at his hands. "Crazy things?" he asked nervously.

"Staying out until 3am. Walking to Springfield. Going missing. Getting caught. Then coming back like nothing happened and eating pop tarts with Jenna Black."

"Ah." Tyler froze. "That."

They sat in silence for a moment. 

"Why are you skipping first period for me?" Josh asked quietly.

"Because." Tyler said simply.

"Oh." Tyler watched Josh push his toe around, still shivering in his jacket. Autumn had come early. 

Tyler glanced at Josh again, opening his mouth but having no clue what to say. He knew something had happened between Josh and his mom. Josh hadn't answered Tyler's call later that night, and they usually hung out together everyday before school.

And now his hair was blue.

There was something on Josh's tongue, Tyler could tell. He desperately wanted to know what the hell was going on. 

"Boys."

Tyler turned his head quickly. Above him stood their English teacher.

"I'm not even going to ask. In class. Now."

She turned on her heel and walked back into the building.

Josh took a deep breath. Tyler stared at him for a moment, then they stood up and slowly followed their teacher.

"Are you sure you'll be alright?" Tyler whispered as they walked.

"Yeah. I'm sure." Josh ran a hand through his hair. They walked in silence, and Tyler quickly brushed his hand with Josh's, watching as his face flushed pink. Making Josh blush was one of Tyler's favourite things to do.

When they walked in everyone was looking at them. Jenna was staring at Tyler, confused, but Tyler continued on his way and found a seat beside Josh.

He could barely concentrate. His mind kept wandering to Josh. And his eyes. 

"Alright, for you guys this week, I want to focus on catharsis."

Tyler's head shot up. He was suddenly listening hard to what his teacher was saying.

"Anyone wanna explain it for me?" She scanned the room.

Everyone was silent. Tyler usually didn't speak much in class, but this time he couldn't stop himself. 

"Uh, catharsis is the process of releasing and, like, providing relief from strong or repressed emotions." Tyler said hesitantly. He felt the class staring at him. He felt Josh staring at him.

"Wow. That... that's a perfect explanation. Can you give me an example of a way catharsis is expressed?"

Tyler nodded slowly.

"Music." He said.

He glanced at Josh. Josh gave him a small smile.

\---------------

Josh wasn't at lunch.

Tyler sat with his usual table, with Jenna, Gerard, Frank, Brendon, Ryan, Patrick and Pete. And usually Josh. Instead, one of Jenna's friends, Ashley, was sitting in his place.

"Where's Josh?" He asked concerned. The day was proving to only get messier as it went on.

Jenna shrugged. "Not sure." She continued eating, unbothered. 

Frank was joking with Pete and Ryan, and Brendon was talking to Gerard down the table. He turned and looked out across the whole canteen, and Josh was nowhere to be found.

"Hey Gerard, where's your brother?"

Gerard motioned down the other end of the canteen. "Somewhere with his friends. I think we're not 'cool enough' for Mikey." Gerard shrugged, grinning.

At the mention of Mikey's name, Pete's head shot up.

"Not gonna lie, Gerard, you're brother is _hot._ "

Gerard shoved him, flicking his dark hair out of his eyes. "Shut up, Pete. You think everyone in this school is hot."

Tyler watched this going on, then leant forward. "Guys. Have you seen Josh?"

"Nope." Frank frowned. "He looked upset last time I saw him, though."

Patrick spoke for the first time all lunch. "I saw him in the hallway when I was heading over, " he offered, shrugging.

Tyler leant back in his chair and sighed. "I'll go find him." 

He was just about to get up when his phone buzzed.

 **Mom:**   _Hey Tyler. Can you come home tonight please? We don't know what's going on with you. I think we need to talk._


	12. Josh

Josh headed straight for the bathroom when the lunch bell rang. 

It was completely empty, which was rare, but Josh was grateful. He walked up to the mirror, fingers gripping the sink as he just _looked_ at himself for a while.

Josh headed straight for the bathroom when the lunch bell rang.

It was completely empty, which was rare, but Josh was grateful. He walked up to the mirror, fingers gripping the sink as he just _looked_  at himself for a while.

He tried it a few different ways; he turned his face at different angles, and pushed his hair back off his forehead, trying to see how he'd look if little details were different.

"God, I am so pathological," he murmured to himself, stepping back and getting his phone out of his pocket.

To be completely honest, he was a little surprised Tyler hadn't come looking for him yet. But he just felt like he needed a break from everyone, a break from the noisy cafeteria, a break from the mindless conversation. He wasn't having the greatest of days.

He glanced at his phone, then at the door. He didn't know what do. The entire day so far had been spent with him feeling small and insignificant and inadequate. He hated feeling that way.  _I am going to stop feeling this way,_  Josh thought to himself, just as someone pushed open the door and walked awkwardly to a stall.  _I'm going to stop._    
  
Before he knew it he was walking to the music room, shutting the door, and sitting down at the drum set.

_Catharsis. Catharsis. Catharsis._

He played for so long his feet went numb and sweat rolled down his forehead and his arms ached and his ears were begging to stop. It was tiring him out, and he didn't need this, but at the same time he needed it more than anything, like maybe with each hit of the drum he was closer to figuring out some of the shit stacked in his mind.

It wasn't working. He kept playing anyway.

He kept playing until the door swung open, causing Josh to falter. He glanced up, expecting to find Tyler in the doorway.

It wasn't Tyler. It was one of Jenna's friends, Josh guessed. Ashley?

"Josh, right? Uh, you're missing class. We've all been looking for you. What're you doing?"

Josh shrugged, wiping his face. "Okay, cool. I'm just, uh, playing. Ashley, right?"

The girl nodded.

"Yeah, I'll be right there. Chem, isn't it?"

The girl nodded again.

Josh stood up slowly, replaced the drum sticks and took a deep breath. He didn't know how long he'd been playing, and it didn't really seem to matter. It was stupid anyway, and he should've been thinking about class, but he had a hard time convincing himself that class really mattered at that moment. All the same, he followed Ashley out of the music room and they walked together to chemistry.

Tyler was sitting near the back of the class when Josh arrived late for the second time that day. He ignored the teacher's stern words, instead fixing his eyes on Tyler playing with his pencil. He looked a little pale. Josh sat a couple of seats away from him, shooting him a reassuring smile which was quickly returned. The two of them barely talked the whole class, and as soon as bell sounded for the end of school, Josh was surprised to see Tyler grab his stuff and leave straight away, not giving Josh even a glance.

Josh walked home with Brendon instead.

"So." Brendon kicked a stone, looking at the pavement. "where were you at lunch, Joshie?"

Josh shrugged. "Just messing around in the music room. Wasn't hungry."

"Oh." Brendon kicked at the stone again, humming to himself. Then he looked up, his face questioning.

"Is it true, then?" he asked.

"Is what true?" Josh turned to him, confused.

"You know. What people are saying." Brendon coughed awkwardly, looking away.

"What are people saying?" Josh asked nervously.

"About you being... you know... gay," Brendon finished.

Josh started. "What the fuck?"

"It would be okay with me if you were." Brendon said quickly, eyes widening.

"Oh, good, because the thing I'd be worried about the most is whether you were okay with it," Josh said bitterly, clutching his bag hard.  _Fuck._

"I'm just saying."

"Noted." Josh groaned, looking up at the sky. "I can't believe people are saying that." Josh suddenly felt even worse than before. What if Tyler had heard? "God. This is so typical, y'know? No one gives a shit about privacy, everyone's invasive but no one actually cares-"

"Hey, it's okay, I didn't know you were so defensive." Brendon chuckled nervously.

"I'm not defensive! I'm not ashamed!"

"So you  _are_ gay."

Josh was silent for a moment. Then he sighed. "This isn't what I had planned."

"Dude,  _chill_. I won't tell anyone."

"No, it's not... it's not that." Josh ran a hand through his hair. "It's just... it doesn't matter. I gotta go. See you tomorrow?"

"Yeah. I'm sorry, by the way. It's hard, I know. See ya, Josh."

Brendon left for his turn off, and Josh made his was slowly down his street, in a deadlock with himself. He'd had a shitty day. He sometimes thought that he didn't let himself know what he was really thinking about. That didn't make much sense but it made sense to Josh.

When Josh got home, his mom was in the kitchen, drinking tea. She looked up. "Hey Joshie," she said softly. Josh looked at her for a moment.

The next second he was in the kitchen, pulling her into a hug. "I'm sorry, Ma." he murmured.

"Me too."

Josh made himself a coffee, and they both stood in the kitchen, drinking. Then Josh's mom looked at him for a moment.

"You're hair."

It was the first time she'd seen it. After their fight the previous night, Josh had stormed out, driven to the hairdressers, and gotten it done. It was sort of an impulsive thing, although he had been thinking about doing it for a while. Last night had just felt like the right time. Afterwards he'd gone straight back into his room and stayed there until school the next day, not eating, just listening to music and thinking about Tyler fucking Joseph.

Josh nodded. "Yeah. Felt like I needed a change."

"It looks good. Suits you. You're a handsome boy, Joshua William Dun." She smiled softly.

Josh laughed. "You're just saying that because you're my mom."

Josh's mom shook her head, smiling. "I really do think so. And I think that one day, a nice boy will think the same."

"Oh god, Mom. Stop. You only just found out!"

She sipped her tea and grinned conspiratorially. "You know I'm right."

"Nope." At that moment, Josh's phone buzzed. "Okay, I gotta go."

"I love you, Josh."

"Love you too, mom." Josh gave her a little smile and went to his room.

**_Tuesday, 4:07 pm_ **

**Jenna:** _Hey Josh, I need to tell you something._

**Me:**   _Oh??_

_**Jenna:**  I need you're advice_

**Me:**   _I'll try my best :)_

_**Jenna:**  Okay... so I have a massive crush on Tyler. I really like him. And I want to talk to him about it._

_**Jenna:**  ...you're the first person I've told. Help?_  _  
_

Josh stared at his phone for a moment, his heart beating fast. He was tempted to throw the damn thing across the room. It just got worse and worse.

 **Me:**   _wow... okay. You should definitely talk to him about it. You don't want me to say anything to him about it, do you?_

_**Jenna:**  nah, but has he said anything about me to you?? At all?_

Josh rubbed his face. He'd been dreading this. Jenna was smart and pretty, and lots of people wanted to date her. There was no way Tyler would turn her down.

Which was fine and all.

 **Me:**   _I'm not sure. But you should definitely give it a try.  
_

 _ **Jenna:**  I think I will. What's the worst that can happen? He'll hate me forever?_  _  
_

 **Me:**   _He couldn't. Tyler couldn't hate anyone.  
_

Josh knew that wasn't fully true.

_**Jenna:**  Yeah, true. His personality's too nice. He's so cute. Sorry, this must be weird talking to you about this, but I just figured since you guys are best friends you'd know what to say._

**Me:**   _Haha, yeah. I gotta go, but definitely talk to Tyler. Bye :)_

_**Jenna:**  Bye :)_

Josh put his phone on his bed side table and lay down on his bed, blowing air out between his cheeks. Nothing was working out the way he wanted it to. His coming out was messy, and somehow everyone at school now knew. And now his best friend, the most confusing, adorable guy Josh had ever met, was going to date Jenna Black.

**_Tuesday, 4:15 pm_ **

**Me:**   _Tyler, you there??_

_**Me:** Text meeee_

_**Me:** Ty?_

Josh sighed. He was so sick of this. He was over being a coward. He was sick of being on pause, of being buried and hidden, of being petrified, in both senses of the word.

But what the fuck could he do?

He did all he could do. He got up, shrugged on his jacket, and went out for a walk.


	13. Tyler

**[A/N this chapter might contain triggering content, i.e. self harm]**

Tyler eyed the sky nervously. The clouds that had been wispy earlier were now darker and more dense. The sky was overwhelmed with emotion, tears threatening to unleash themselves on Tyler as he walked up to his house.

Tyler felt the opposite. Tyler felt hollow.

He slipped in the back door at half past three, taking a deep breath before taking in the sight before him.

His parents were sat at the kitchen table, waiting silently. The kitchen clock ticked.

"Where have you been?" Tyler's mom asked quietly.

"Uh, hi, mom. I've been at friends, mostly." Tyler said nervously, putting his bag down on the floor and moving to sit down.

"Why?"

Tyler looked up. "I think you know."

"For fuck's sake, Tyler. Grow up." Tyler's father stood up from the table and went to to stand by the sink, rubbing rhythmically at his chin. Tyler's siblings weren't home yet. They'd all gotten used to him never being around. Tyler snapped at the rubber band on his wrist, avoiding his mom's eyes. He couldn't bear to stay here for another moment.

"So. What have you been doing? Preparing for the future? Thinking about college?" his father laughed bitterly. "I doubt it."

_You don't know my brain the way you know my name._

Tyler sat as his father spoke on and on about the future and college and whatever else. Tyler didn't know. he was blocking it all to the other side of the barrier.

_You don't know my heart the way you know my face._

"You need to get good at something productive, Tyler." The tangent seemed to be coming to and end, and Tyler glanced up, eyes cold.

"Oh, that's right. I forgot how unaccepting and judgmental you were about my music." Every fibre in Tyler's being itched to stand up and leave.

"It's a world that doesn't want to know you, Tyler."

"So what else is new?" Tyler muttered.

No one spoke for a moment. Tyler was glad. He knew his father didn't know the full weight of the harm his words had, or the despair it could cause. Then Tyler's mom piped up.

"You'll be staying here from now on, Tyler."

"No."

Tyler's father turned back to his son.

"Jesus Christ Tyler, this is your home. This is where you _live._ You can't just fuck around at your friends whenever you like because you don't feel like sticking around. It doesn't work that way."

"But I don't _want_ to stay here." Tyler hoped he wouldn't start to cry. He didn't want to give his dad that satisfaction.

"We're your _parents_ , Tyler."

Tyler closed his eyes for a moment.

 _Do it, Tyler. Go on. Fuck up everything even more._   

Tyler stood up. "Okay, stop. You stopped being proper parents a long time ago. What kind of parent teaches their child that needing help makes them weak? What kind of parents yells about everything to the point where their children are afraid to come to them at _all_?"

"Wake up, Tyler. Stop over analyzing everything and get your head into reality for once! All you've ever done is-"

"You don't know anything about me," Tyler said slowly, snapping at the band until it hurt.

Tyler's mom took a deep breath, close to tears. "Tyler, look what you're doing to this family. It's falling apart because of you. You can't keep doing this. You're ruining our lives."

In reality, Tyler knew that confusion was at the heart of this disgust. And into that heart was pumping a steady flow of ignorance and hate.

He didn't stand a chance.

"Mom, I spent my entire childhood trying to be good enough, and I never was. It just felt like I kept giving to a world that never gave anything back. So I'm sorry if I ruined your lives, because I tell you, you wouldn't have a chance of ruining mine. It was already ruined. You just didn't make it better. Because you're terrible- the most terrible- parents."

His Father walked across the room towards Tyler. Tyler refused to flinch.

"I'm home!" Someone called a few minutes later.

Jay. Tyler's brother. He walked into the kitchen and stopped. "Why's he bleeding?" Jay asked as soon as he spotted Tyler.

"Because he's an idiot." His father growled.

Jay frowned. "Didn't know idiocy caused people to just start spontaneously bleeding from the nose."

Tyler stood in a daze for a moment. Then he calmly walked out of the kitchen, down the hallway, and into his bedroom.

Tyler shut the door and took a deep breath. He held up his hands and they were shaking, because his hands, like the rest of him, wanted to kill his Father. Ever since Tyler was ten and his father sent his younger brother Zack to hospital with a broken finger, feigning a schoolyard brawl, and a year later, when it was Tyler's jaw's turn.

He'd trespassed all over Tyler's life, spit and stomped and sabotaged any degree of safety or comfort he managed to build. This was the true tyranny, Tyler decided - not taunts or shoves, but the exhaustion that came with living with it for so long, relentlessly. The words his father said were now in Tyler's head, in Tyler's life. How could he not take them personally? 

He wanted to put on music, but he couldn't. He could hear his parents arguing about him in the kitchen, and what was more transfixing than the sound of people hating you?

In the darkest part of his heart, Tyler thought that that maybe they were right.

Tyler sat down on his bed with the blue comforter and the old Muse posters on the wall, looking at all his things. Clothes and CDs and books, all scattered and untouched for a while. He stood up, and then he remembered his nose and tilted his face up to stem the bleeding. He grabbed a tissue and shoved it to his face, feeling too much at a distance to truly care. He felt like he was sitting in an empty movie theatre, looking at a blank screen. His parents weren't going to change. The world wasn't going to change. Tyler wasn't going to change. So why try? He was too tired to fight it, too tired to go to Josh's, too tired to call some hotline and sort something functional out.

 And there, of course, was Blurryface.

 _What a fucking_ _freak_ _show._

Tyler looked down and noticed the smudged blood on his own hands. 

_Jesus fucking Christ, Tyler. Not even your own parents can love you._

Tyler sat down in the middle of his room. His mind felt like a crowded ventricle.

For the first time in a month, he started to remove the rubber band from his wrist.

 _You spend so much time, so much effort, trying to hold yourself together,_ Tyler thought. _And then everything falls apart anyway._

He managed to draw blood quickly.

No blades. He wouldn't let himself use blades, because he knew Josh would've noticed. Josh noticed everything. But sometimes, it was all Tyler could do to rip at his wrists until they bled. He knew that there was nothing that added depth to despair like the feeling of deserving it. And maybe he did.

His nails dug in, forming little marks in the flesh.

The rubber band had been used as a coping mechanism. He had read somewhere once that sometimes when people have the urge to hurt themselves, they put a rubber band on their wrist and snapped it every time they felt like self harming. And it worked for Tyler too.

Mostly.

Tyler watched as blood welled up red, dripped down his forearm. A line that ran down to his elbow, and he was fascinated, and he touched it, and his finger tips were painted like a merciless masterpiece. It spread over his hands messily. He closed his eyes, feeling red in every inch of his soul.

Blurryface waited patiently. He wanted to get in.

_Make no mistake Tyler, the day will come when you can't cover up what you've done._


	14. Josh

_Where the fuck was he?_

Josh sighed as he walked into the cafeteria five minutes late, clutching his tray and trying to concentrate on making it to his table with minimal spillage. The morning classes had been a slow burn, and to make things worse Tyler hadn't shown up at all.

Tyler never missed school.

Josh scanned the room for him even then, but instead his eyes found Gerard walking over to their table from the opposite end of the cafeteria, Frank in tow.

"Make room, bitches," he announced as he sat down next to Pete, who rolled his eyes and scooted over with his tray. Gerard blew his hair from his eyes and glanced up at Josh, grinning. "Welcome back, Dunpster." 

Josh grinned back at Gerard and sat down at his usual seat at the lunch table, lifting his bag up to put into the empty seat beside him.

But before he could put it down, Tyler slipped in.

"Tyler?" Josh said, confused.

"Hi," he said breathlessly, grabbing two Chips Ahoy packets from his bag and handing one to Josh. "Sorry I'm late," he added as Josh took the packet, stunned.

"Late? You missed the entire morning," Brendon said, sipping his milk carton. "And where's my Chips Ahoy?"

Tyler rolled his eyes in return, putting his school bag down beside him. Josh looked at the boy for a moment, taking in his appearance. Tyler was wearing a black long-sleeved shirt and grey sweat pants, dark shadows ringing his eyes.

"Were you skiving again, Joseph?" Frank leaned forward and grinned conspiratorially.

"You're one to talk, Iero," Tyler replied, smiling a little as he opened his packet.

"Did, uh..." Josh cleared his throat, knowing the pattern well enough by now. "Did everything go well with your parents?" 

"Yeah. Yeah, fine." Tyler nodded, not quite meeting Josh's eye.

Something seemed a little off about him, Josh decided. His smile wasn't all there. His eyes darted, and his hands couldn't keep still. And Tyler didn't often wear long sleeved shirts. Even in winter, Josh knew Tyler preferred T-shirts.

Josh confirmed there was something wrong when Tyler didn't say another word until the bell rang and the two of them were heading back down the hallway, side by side. Only then did Tyler turn to Josh, tugging at his sleeve for him to stop.

"Can we, uh, talk by the lockers next break?" he said in a low voice, eyes darting to the floor.

"Yeah, of course, Ty," Josh answered, offering him a small smile. Tyler nervously returned it.

The next period was Philosophy.

The only two free seats were across the room from each other, and Tyler pulled a face before making his way to the free window seat. Josh smiled to himself, sliding into his own seat just as the lesson began.

The teacher paced the front of the class slowly, looking out at all the bored faces. 

"Good afternoon, class. I'm Mr. Novak, and I hope for you all to get as much out of this class as you possibly can. Let's start with this; humans are perpetually engaged in the most important pursuit of life. Which is?"

Mr. Novak scanned the room.

"Mr. Joseph?"

There was a pause.

"The search for meaning." Josh heard Tyler reply.

"Exactly right. What is the nature of being a person? What is the best way to go about being a person? How did we come to be, and what will become of us when we are no longer? In short; what are the rules of the game, and how might we best play it? We must learn the nature of the labyrinth, and then find the way out of it."

Josh decided he liked this class already.

Mr Novak talked for a while longer. If the students weren't interested before, they definitely were now. This was the kind of class that mattered more than tests, more than finding the value of x. This was real. And as much as Josh tried to hang onto every word, his mind kept drifting to the boy gazing nonchalantly out of the window. He watched as Tyler twirled a pencil, sighed, looked down, then up, then down again. The whole time he sat Josh was certain he was emitting waves and waves of _Josh hug me._

Damn it. He needed to focus.

After class, Josh was one of the first out the door. He'd never been so glad to have a short break before his next period. He found Tyler like he always did, and they sat by their lockers side by side, looking out at the empty hallway.

"Where were you?" Josh asked as soon as they were settled.

Tyler took a deep breath. "I... I just needed some time this morning. I kind of had a bad night."

"Are you okay? Did he... do anything?" Josh asked quietly, glancing at the boy sat next to him.

Tyler didn't say anything for a moment, looking down at his hands. Josh's heart ached.

"I got a blood nose," he blurted suddenly.

Josh's eyes widened. "Oh, Tyler..."

Tyler shrugged, finally meeting Josh's eyes. Josh loved Tyler's eyes. Light brown and soft, with really dark lashes, the kind Josh's sister would say boys didn't deserve. Which was completely senseless because who was to say boys couldn't be pretty?

Tyler certainly was.

"I just don't understand why," Tyler murmured, sadness lying in the undertone. "He has his reasons, I guess."

That was the stupidest thing Josh had ever heard, but he didn't press it.

"Did you ever... ask him about it?" Josh asked instead.

Tyler shrugged again, inhaling through his nose. "I gave up trying to understand my father very early on."

"That's sad. Weren't you interested?"

"Sure I was. Then, after a while, I wasn't."

Josh could feel the conversation steering in a direction Tyler wasn't entirely comfortable with, but he persisted anyway.

"Why not?"

"When someone won't let you in, eventually you stop knocking. Know what I mean?"

They sat in silence for a moment, not looking at each other, just listening to stray students yelling and laughing and running to their next classes.

"I guess last night was my fault, though. I figured a few things out and foolishly spoke to him about it." Tyler said softly.

"Oh? like what?"

"Can you answer a question first?" Tyler said. 

"You can ask. Can't say that I'll answer." Josh could feel Tyler's eyes on him.

"What really happened? The other day?"

Josh opened his mouth, but then Jenna came over and sat down directly in front of Tyler. Josh was almost grateful until he realised why she was there.

"Tyler! You're coming with me to Taco Bell after school, okay? My shout." She said cheerfully.

Tyler looked up, surprised. "Hmm? Yeah, okay. Wait, can Josh come?"

Jenna glanced at Josh and smiled artfully. "Maybe next time."

Then she stood up, adjusted her school bag and walked off down the hall.

And then the bell rang for the next period and Josh stood up quickly and _fuck fuck fuck Jenna's going to ask him_ and he didn't know what to say he just walked to math with Tyler at his side and they didn't speak and Josh felt heavy and he realised with a jolt that he had a holy freaking huge crush on Tyler Joseph even though he was Josh's best friend and he had told himself that Tyler was strictly out of bounds but he watched Tyler's small smile and cherry cheeks and doe eyes and _oh._

_Oh._


	15. Tyler

Tyler walked to Taco Bell with Jenna in mostly silence, his hands in his pockets and his eyes to the ground. He felt preoccupied, and his head was almost nodding in time with his steps. He wondered if Jenna still knew he was there. She wasn't speaking either, just squinting up at the threatening sky. It was awash with various shades of grey, and in places a chink of light managed to break through, but otherwise it was almost as dark as pre-dawn. The air was humid and smelt of storms. Tyler's fingers absentmindedly went to his wrist, but the band was gone.

"How're things, Tyler?" Jenna asked finally.

Tyler's head shot up. "Things are... things are good, yeah. You?"

"Yeah, fine." Jenna nodded. She was looking at Tyler now. He was shivering in his thin shirt, but was trying his best not to show it. It wasn't not even that cold outside - it was just a thing that he did happened sometimes.

Tyler held the door open for Jenna when they arrived. As much as he wanted to enjoy this, everything seemed muted to the point of dullness. Like the first note on the piano, or the way wet chalk feels.

Jenna picked a booth for them and Tyler slid in opposite her, shoving his bag beside him as Jenna leant back against the booth and closed her eyes.

"God, I'm so tired. Taco Bell is such a constant in my life, I'm telling you."

Tyler smiled in reply.

They made small talk. Tyler hated small talk. He didn't want to talk about the weather or school or homework. He wanted to talk about the things he always talked about with Josh. About music, about the inevitable annihilation of the human race, about the hum and scratch of a record on a turn table.

He wanted to talk about catharsis.

But Jenna kept talking about how unfair the amount of homework Mr. Watson gave them was, and about her friends Ashley and Melanie, and the urge to interrupt her before she had finished was overwhelming.

"Shall we order?" Tyler asked.

"Hmm? Oh, yeah, sure. I'll just have an iced coffee. You?"

"Chalupa supreme." Tyler grinned at her.

"Oh, okay! Are you sure you want that now?"

If Josh was there, Tyler would have said something like _time is a manmade concept and I am ready for my chalupas_ , and Josh would have laughed. Instead Tyler just nodded and smiled and went with Jenna to order.

They ate. And drank. And talked some more. Tyler didn't think Jenna noticed she was holding up 90 percent of the conversation. Usually Tyler was grateful, but now it just felt tiring. He wanted to go home. He wanted to call Josh.

But then Tyler began to realise what was happening. Every grin. Every flirtatious look. He knew, and he didn't know how to stop it. 

His thoughts were confirmed a while later, when they were getting up to leave. Jenna leant forward, a smile on her face.

"So, Tyler, I'm just gonna come out and say it. Do you... do you maybe want to go out sometime?" She said, the nerves clear in her voice.

Tyler swallowed, avoiding her eyes. This was not supposed to happen. Not on top of everything else. God, Jenna didn't deserve this. 

"Not that I don't appreciate the offer, Jenna, but, um, no."

Jenna stared at him. "What?"

"You heard me."

Jenna paused, her eyes wide, face deflating. Tyler had never felt so terrible "Oh," she said. 

Tyler sighed, running a hand through his hair. "It's not you, trust me. You're an amazing girl. I just... I don't see you in that way. I see you as a great friend, and-"

"You're gay, aren't you?" Jenna said softly.

Tyler felt like he was going to drop something, and he wasn't even holding anything. "I... what?" 

Jenna didn't answer, just ran her finger over one of the names carved into the table.

Tyler took a deep breath. "Um. Well. I... I think I might be."

Jenna still didn't answer.

"You're the first person I've told." Tyler confessed.

Jenna nodded slowly. "That's... wow. Okay."

Tyler sighed. He'd actually said it out loud.

"Are you going to tell people?" Jenna asked randomly.

"Well. I'm not sure. I know word will get round eventually."

"From who?" Jenna swirled her coffee distractedly.

"You know, all my friends! They live for this kind of thing. If they get even an idea..." Tyler scrunched his nose. 

Jenna considered. "You could deny it."

"Okay, I'm not going to deny it. I'm not ashamed of it," Tyler said, suddenly defensive.

"All right, well, I didn't know. You haven't said anything about it up till now. If you're not ashamed, why don't you just tell people yourself?"

 _Oh my god_ , Tyler thought. _Seriously?_

He sat up. "Yeah, you don't have a fucking clue what you're talking about."

"I'm sorry! Geez, Tyler, I'm just trying to..." Jenna looked at him. "I mean, it's obviously not something to be ashamed of. You know that, right? I'm not gonna lie, I'm surprised. But I think most people are going to be cool about it. Hell, I swear half of your friends are gay anyway!" She laughed. It sounded forced.

"I don't know what people are going to think about it. I don't know what Josh is going to think about it."

Jenna paused. "Are you going to tell your parents?" She asked quietly.

"I don't know." Tyler sighed. "I don't know."

"Well, good luck. I'm sorry for... I just didn't know."

"No, that's fine. Not your fault. My fault." Tyler sighed. "I just don't know, Jenna. But you really are an amazing friend. And I'm lucky to have you."

"Likewise." She smiled, a little sadly, and they slowly made their way back to their houses alone.

\----------------

"How was school?" Tyler's mom asked.

She and Tyler were sitting on the steps out back, watching the wind blow through the trees in their backyard. It was almost civil. The wind sounded like a cool pillow on Tyler's skin, and he smiled a little. His dad wasn't home.

"Fine." Tyler replied.

"That's good. And how's your friend... uhh..."

"Josh?" Tyler suggested.

"That's the one. How's he doing?"

"Josh is good." Tyler pushed his toe around. They sat in silence for a moment.

"He dyed his hair the other day," Tyler suddenly blurted.

"What colour?" his mom asked.

"Blue. Bright blue," Tyler said, grinning a little to himself.

"That's cool, Tyler," his mom said quietly. "And how're your grades?" Tyler could tell she was trying to act interested. She was trying, and maybe that was enough for now.

"My grades are okay," Tyler said, shrugging. "English and music are my best."

Tyler's mom nodded silently, warming her hands with a cup of tea. "Jay will be home soon."

"Yeah."

"And Zack and Madison."

"Mhmm."

Tyler's mom stood up. "And your father."

Tyler didn't answer.

"Are you staying here tonight?" She turned to Tyler, and Tyler could see there was something unknown written in her eyes.

"Yeah." Tyler swallowed. He knew it was a start.

It is hard to stop seeing your child as your child and to start seeing them as a human being.

It is hard to stop seeing your parents as your parents and to start seeing them as human beings.

It's a two-sided transition, and very few people manage it gracefully.

But maybe Tyler and his mom were taking their first steps.

"Help yourself to food or anything, Ty." Tyler's mom tipped the remains of her tea out into a pot plant. "We're here if you need us, you know that, right?"

Tyler didn't reply. He just looked out into the garden. Were his thoughts visible they would be an inverse explosion, crazy chaotic turns and twists of light all coming together to just one idea, to just one word.

Maybe.

_I feel for you, but when did you believe you were alone?_


	16. Josh

Josh walked slowly down the hallway towards his next class, savouring the two minutes left before he was stuck within the four walls of another abysmal classroom. He wasn't in the mood for school that day. He wasn't really in the mood for anything. Once again, Josh could feel a sort of grayness is settling in. The light around him was changing its properties, and Josh tried to catch it dimming, but it was imperceptible.   


The music room came into view slowly, and Josh stopped walking when he heard the sound of piano keys coming from inside. Whoever was inside was playing smoothly, soundly, each note swimming through Josh's cerebral cortex like a wakeful dream. He had one minute until class. He had one minute, but he didn't move. Music could never be something superfluous to him. It was his therapy.

And he knew exactly who was in there.

Josh slid down to the ground with his back against the door. He listened.

And Tyler started to sing.

_I don't know_   
_Where I am supposed to go_   
_So I might just_   
_Take my pride and go_   
_Some people, they know, know everything_   
_But I know that they don't know my heart_

Tyler's voice was raw and clear and emotional and perfect. Josh took a deep breath. It had been a while since he'd heard Tyler sing. He strained to make out the lyrics.

_Cause I, oh yeah, I believe in love_   
_And I hope I can show you what I mean_   
_And I don't believe love's for me_   
_So won't you come around and prove me wrong_

Tyler's voice was fucking incomprehensible. Josh closed his eyes, and for one giddy moment he let himself imagine the words were for him.

_Won't walk the world_   
_Any different_   
_And my path won't change until you_   
_Make a wall and make me fall_   
_And break me down_

The bell rang for next period. Tyler ignored it, so Josh did too. He felt hijacked. He felt alive.

_You don't know me_   
_And I don't know you_   
_Tell me, what should I d_ _o?_   
_Oh..._

Someone was talking nearby. Shoes scuffed on the hallway floor. A door slammed. 

_So won't you come around and prove me wrong..._

Quiet.

A sigh came from the music room. Then Josh heard the piano stool slide back, and Tyler curse. And then before Josh could do anything the door flew open and there stood Tyler, flustered, with pages of sheet music in his hand.

He saw Josh immediately.

"Oh," Tyler said.

"Oh," Josh breathed.

Tyler's damp brown hair stuck to his forehead, his cheeks flushed. He was wearing a floral cover that went from his shoulders down to his calves, a white T shirt and black jeans. His eyes were wide. 

"Oh. Oh man. I'm sorry." Josh stood up quickly. He looked at Tyler, and couldn't help thinking how easy it would be to just... lean forward and... 

"No, it's okay. Were you... were you listening to me play?" Tyler's cheeks coloured, his hands clutching the paper tightly.

"I... yes. I was. I didn't mean to, I was just heading to class, and I heard... and then..." Josh trailed off, looking to the ground.

"Oh, that was just... something I've been working on lately. It's not very good yet." Tyler shrugged, his cheeks still faintly pink.

Josh glanced up at Tyler, taking the boy in. It was happening, he knew it was. And he didn't know how to stop it.

He didn't know how to stop himself from falling for the calm tone, the budding sighs. The overwhelming feeling of infatuation when Tyler sang love songs in their high school music room. The gentle smiles and hand brushes. The laugh.   
  
He didn't know how to stop himself from falling for Tyler's soul.   


"Oh, Tyler," he sighed, running a hand through his hair. "You're really something, you know that?"

Tyler squinted at Josh in the bright light of the hallway, then softened into a smile. "Oh," was all he said.

\-----------

At lunch, everything seemed to go back to normal. Josh was sitting beside Tyler, and every time he looked at him he could feel the grayness slowly evaporating back to the corners of his mind. He watched as Brendon grinned at Tyler, sliding him a capri sun from across the table. 

"Hey Ty guy. Looking very flowery today."

"Oh. Yeah." Tyler smiled a little as he reached for the juice pouch, pushing his food around on his tray.

Then Brendon glanced down the table, rolling his eyes. "Frank, stop sexualizing that muffin, you sick fuck."

Frank, sure enough, was doing very interesting things with his lunch. He winked at Brendon, and Gerard groaned, shoving the boy away. "Did your parents ever teach you to, like, not?"

Meanwhile, Pete was sitting with his head resting on the table, his lunch untouched in front of him.

"Hey Pete, are you a morning person or a night person?" Ryan asked, walking over to the table and sitting down beside Brendon.

Pete lifted his head up, yawning. "Buddy, I'm barely even a person," he replied, head falling back down.

"You're literal human wreckage."

"What are you talking about, of course I lead a fully healthy and functional human life," came Pete's muffled reply.

"Shut the fuck up and eat something, would you?" Gerard laughed, chucking a chocolate bar at his head. "Your blood sugar is low, princess."

And then Brendon spoke again, leaning forward. "Hey Ty, Josh, where were you guys during second period? That's like, the third time you've skipped class this week. And term's only just started." Brendon raised his eyebrows.

"Busy." Josh said simply, looking down.

"Doing what, exactly?"

"That's none of your business."

"Right. That isn't even slightly suspicious." Brendon winked.

Josh blushed. "Okay, fuck you, Brendon. Music room. That's what."

"Oh, fair enough. Beats shitty chemistry." Brendon shrugged. That's when Patrick arrived, setting down his tray at the end of the table where he always sat. He was the quietest out of everyone, and Josh often caught him staring at Pete.

"Wassup, Stump?" Gerard clicked finger guns in Patrick's direction. Patrick did finger guns back, chuckling nervously. "Uh, not much. What's wrong with Pete?"

Brendon cut in. "He's just a bit sulky. I think it's because Gerard's hot brother turned him down."

Pete's head shot up. "I do not like Mikey! That's a lie, Breadbag, and you know it." Pete said furiously.

Bendon grinned sweetly. "Sure, Wentz."

"And it's not like you can talk, Urie."

"What do you mean?" Brendon frowned.

Pete raised an eyebrow. "Brendon, admit it. You're a rainbow-dipped Ryansexual looking for love from the one and only Ryan Ross."

Brendon's eyes widened. "Pete I swear to _God_ I will fucking cut you."

Ryan looked up, glanced at Brendon, then looked back at Pete. "Am I missing something here?"

Brendon stood up with his tray. "For the record, I hate all of you. Period." And he walked away to sit at an empty table, facing away from the group.

Pete smirked. "Something I said?"

Josh watched as Ryan stared at Brendon lingeringly for a moment, then back at his macaroni cheese, his cheeks red.

Then Josh turned back to Tyler, who was humming to himself and still pushing his food around his plate. He glanced up suddenly, and found Josh's eyes. Josh smiled, and Tyler smiled back. The air between them felt different. Lighter. "Taco Bell after school?"Josh mouthed to the boy. Tyler nodded, pushing his plate away. 

And for the rest of the day, the only thing Josh could think of was Tyler's voice, singing those golden words over and over again. 

_Won't you come around and prove me wrong..._


	17. Tyler

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> im nOt sorry

"Are you actually kidding me?"

Tyler laughed as Josh groaned and shoved his head into the controller, having just lost his fourth game of Mario Kart.

"I literally have the worst car in the entire game. And I'm still beating you. Jesus Christ Joshua, pick up your game." Tyler grinned to himself, tracing his thumbs along the side of his controller. After they'd gotten their usual at Taco Bell, they had headed back to Josh's to play Mario Kart. It was a thing they'd always done, ever since they'd first started hanging out. Tyler couldn't really even pinpoint when that was. Theirs wasn't the type of friendship where they knew the exact day it started. They only knew when it became essential. When they started defining their friendship with... things. And Tyler found was oddly comforting to have a thing with someone. Especially if it was Josh Dun. 

The two of them were sitting on Josh's bed, surrounded by doritos and homework, and Josh was getting sulky. Tyler had won every single race. Josh even demanded Tyler change his car half way through, so Josh had had the fastest car and the fastest wheels, and Tyler had had the slowest. And Tyler had still won by a mile.

"I'm going to beat you. One more race, and I'm going to win." Josh's eyes were fixed to the screen, frowning a little in concentration, and Tyler grinned again. "I mean, yeah. You can try."

Tyler relaxed his shoulders as they waited for the race to start, glancing at Josh. His snapback was on backwards over his blue hair, legs crossed with sweatpants and a NASA shirt.

"This is so not fair." Josh looked at Tyler in the light from the screen, brows furrowed. "You're good at this!"

"Really?" Tyler knew he was, but he liked hearing it from Josh.

"You're like, the Mario Kart master. Stupid overachiever," Josh muttered. 

Tyler grinned a little. "That's true. But we're not playing it because I'm good at it. We're playing it because we like it," Tyler reminded Josh, before looking back at the screen.

"Okay. I'm in the zone." Josh nodded once, and the race began.

They were both quiet for a moment, concentrating. The only sound was there fingers on their controllers, and Tyler felt oddly calm.

"I'm in second!" Josh said triumphantly. "Oh... really? Someone just hit me with a boomerang."

Tyler didn't answer, his complete focus on the game. He'd be damned if he gave up his title today.

"We're not even in Australia." Josh shook his head, like what he was saying had any relevance to anything.

Tyler glanced at him, snorting. "Are you saying boomerangs have no place outside of the outback-"

"Shhh! I'm going left. Okay, I've got this. And... jump." Josh leant forward, his leg pressing against Tyler's as he did. Tyler did his best to ignore it.

"Is that your legitimate strategy? Distract the other person with irrelevant comments?" Tyler nudged Josh. It wasn't an excuse to touch him or anything.

_But he was so warm..._

"Oh my god I'm in third." Josh's eyes were wide and dark, jaw set. "Ah, I can't do this corner. There we go... wait..."

"Tone down the narration by like _five_  percent, Josh." Tyler nudged him. Again. His knee was overlapping Josh's now. 

"What do the coins actually do?" Josh frowned, tilting his controller violently into Tyler' arm.

"If you get ten, they speed you up." Tyler said matter-of-factly.

"Oh. Makes sense." 

"Did you really not know that?" Tyler snorted. "We've been playing this game for, what, a year, and you don't even know what coins do." Tyler wasn't really focused on the game at that point. There were too many things going on in his mind. 

And Josh was warm.

"Ah... dammit! No!"

"What are you doing?" Tyler laughed as Josh swerved in front of him, cursing.

"I just slipped on a- fuck!" Josh growled in the back of his throat, his face set in concentration.

"I'm just having a leisurely cruise around this place," Tyler teased. "I could... I could play with my face..." Tyler nudged the controller with his nose.

"Ty..." Josh pouted. "I'm coming for you now. What? You're in first? Are you  _kidding_?"

Tyler giggled. "Having fun in sixth, Josh?"

"I'm going to overtake everyone... wait... oh my boost ran out! Are you kidding me-"

"Guess who just won the race with their face?" Tyler threw his head back and laughed.

Josh chucked his controller onto the bed, then lunged for Tyler, attacking his ribs. "I'm going to  _impale_  you, Joseph."

"Salty," Tyler grinned at the boy hovering above him, Josh's hands on either side of Tyler's body. There was a small, soft, pause of them taking each other in, then Josh cleared his throat.

"I hate you," Josh murmured, sitting up and looking at Tyler with big mocha eyes.

“I stopped believing that a long time ago, Joshua Dun.”

Josh smiled lightly at Tyler, and Tyler looked imploringly back at him. He was all soft lines and blurry edges in the dim light of the room, and Tyler knew it was stupid but he couldn't get enough of it.  


"Once more, Ty. Please?"

Tyler giggled. "I can go all night. As long as you don't get too salty when I win."

"Shhh. I was getting annihilated by items. It's not a fair game."

"Sure, Josh. Blame the game, whatever makes you feel better."

Tyler was winding Josh up now. Josh was annoyed and flustered, and it was disgustingly adorable. Tyler faked a yawn, flopping back on Josh's pillows.

Tyler loved Josh's room. It was cosy and dark and full of the things Josh loved. His bed was tucked into the corner, and his desk was opposite. The walls were dark red, and covered in faded posters and records and notes Tyler had written him and pictures of them and their friends. The rain was soft outside, like it wanted to steadily wash them away, to keep hammering until the world smudged like a charcoal drawing. On doors, roofs and window panes. Tyler noticed there was an intense anxiety to the rain, as if between the tumbling cloud and the earth it was fearful of never reaching its destination. They were both silent for a moment, just listening to the rain and Josh's family moving around downstairs. The room felt like linked fingers and leaves beneath your feet and music that pounded in your chest. The... E flat chord. Josh's chest was rising and falling in time with Tyler's own.

And Tyler's mind went back to the thing he'd been trying hard to avoid since his talk with Jenna.

He just wanted to push away being gay. He didn't want to be _that_  guy. He didn't want to like boys on top of everything else, and he didn't ask for such a cute best friend. And yeah, he didn't really want people to know, especially when he'd barely come to terms with it himself. 

But as much as he hated to admit it, it was all falling into place a bit. What kind of boy was friends with the hottest girl in school, but had never had the notion to be more than friends? What kind of boy hadn't even  _dated_ a girl since middle school? What kind of boy hung around downtown gay bars and was friends with the entire gay population of his high school and got excited when he was close to another boy?

A gay boy. That's who. 

_But Josh was warm._

Tyler sighed. "I wish I could stay and play video games and talk all night. I don't want to go home."

"So don't." Josh said simply.

Tyler frowned. "What?"

"You heard me."

So he didn't.

_You have fallen from the sky, How high? How high?_


	18. Josh

3am. Two boys bonded in vivid euphoria.

Josh twitched in his sleep, shifting so his arm wasn't caught under his chest, his feet stirring the nest of blankets at the foot of the bed. A siren wailed outside and Josh stirred slightly.

And then he was being shaken gently, whispers invading the silence.

"Tyler," Josh murmured, his voice still thick with sleep. He curled up tighter. Tyler rubbed his shoulder.

"C'mon, Josh." Tyler whispered, and his voice was low and calm, but Josh could hear the excitement simmering underneath. He was in one of those moods, it seemed.

"Wake up. We've got things to do, Dun. The night is for living."

"No," Josh sighed. "Go to sleep, Ty."

They'd spent hours playing video games earlier, and they'd said they were doing homework when Josh's mom poked her head around the door, but they had really ended up lying on Josh's queen sized bed, talking into the night. Josh had eventually drifted off at about half past one, but Tyler, it seemed, hadn't.

When Josh turned over, Tyler was sitting cross legged, eyes bright. It had grown dark, so much so that Josh couldn't see his own hand when he knew he held it inches from his face. It was thick, and moved around him like a living thing. It seemed to pulse and shift with breath, dance and speak as if it had limbs and a voice. The room seemed to hum.

It came to Josh's awareness that Tyler's shadow was standing, and moving towards the door.

"Tyler, what the fuck are you doing?" Josh murmured.

"I'm going for a walk," he replied simply, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"What the- Tyler, _no_. Jesus Christ it's, what, 3 in the morning? And it's raining. _And_ we have school tomorrow."

"So what, Josh? What's your point?" Tyler said.

Josh frowned. "Well it... I mean... It's just not a good idea-"

Tyler shook his head. "Look at you, Josh. You're scared. Why are you so scared? Stop being paralysed. Stop swallowing your words. Stop caring what other people think. Do what you want. Go out at three in the morning and forget that you have school the next day. Stop waiting for Friday. Live now. Do it now. Take risks, Josh. This life is yours. When are you going to realize that you can do whatever the hell you want with it?" Tyler disappeared out the door.

Josh sat still for a moment, taking in everything Tyler had said.

The boy was a fucking miracle.

Josh sighed, then got up after him. 

They quietly walked downstairs to the kitchen. All the downstairs lights were off, every surface thrown into shadow. Josh could barely see Tyler in front of him, carefully making his way to the front door. He didn't bother leaving a note. It was the first time he'd done anything like this. And clearly not Tyler's.

Tyler silently opened the front door and they slipped outside. The rain had slowed to a soft drizzle, crawling towards gutters. Josh could barely see. It was the kind of dark Josh had never stayed long enough outside to meet. He'd never been out this late before. Or this early. Was it late or was it early?

Did it matter?

 Josh's quick breaths condensed in front of his face. He shrugged a black hoodie on over his NASA shirt and pulled on his converse, looking up questioningly at Tyler. Tyler simply had a black T-shirt on, and he didn't seem at all cold. But he looked so, so good. Josh knew Tyler was watching him check him out. He didn't care.

"So. A walk?" Josh asked, standing up.

Tyler nodded, grinning breathlessly. "A walk."

They started off, walking down the rain-glazed pavement. The street lights flickered softly. Josh glanced across at Tyler. His chin was up, hands in his pockets. His hair was messy, and one of his shoelaces was untied, and although he was such a mess he still managed to look perfect. Josh would usually reprimand himself for thinking that, but he didn't, because it was completely true.

Tyler was in a good mood, and Josh found he could barely feel the cold when he looked at him. His cheeks felt flushed with excitement, and Tyler wouldn't wipe that stupid grin from his face. He kept sweeping his tongue along his bottom lip. Was he nervous? Josh was staring at his mouth now, waiting for him to do it again.   


He watched Tyler's Adam's Apple bob. He watched Tyler convert oxygen to carbon dioxide. He watched Tyler existing and existing and existing. Several centuries of silence passed where the air got more and more jumpy and alive, like all the molecules previously put to sleep were waking up. Even the rain glowed neon in the downtown lights, falling from winter chilled clouds that blotted out the last of the starlight.

There was not one person outside except for them. The world was asleep.

And Josh loved it.

\------------

Josh and Tyler sat side by side on the rooftop, looking out over the city. It was always the best place at half past three in the morning. The air was chill, the sky had cleared, and the stars burned with electric light. The two of them sat and looked up, and for a while neither of them said anything, just staring out into the universe. The city was breathing softly, asleep. The sky slipped past the horizon line, city lights reflecting in Tyler's eyes. It pierced the veil of night. The whole thing could have been on a post card, reading something like 'I wish you were here!'

But Josh didn't wish anyone was here but Tyler, he realised with a start. Josh stole a glance at Tyler, and he was fully immersed in the view.

And Josh had described Tyler in so many ways in his head since he'd met him, but every time he looked at him, he saw something else. Right then, Josh saw a younger version of Tyler. He sat cross legged, eyes bright and and alive and burning with vibrant colour. An innocent, oblivious little boy, interested in the world around him.

And he was truly something.

"It's like it's ours." Tyler murmured.

Josh sighed. Tyler always seemed to know what to say. For a moment, Josh felt jealous of his mind. Compared to Tyler's, Josh's seemed so ordinary.

"I'm starting to understand why you like being out at night." Josh said softly. "You just seem more... alive."

Tyler sighed. "I know who I am at night, Josh. I don't even know who the fuck I am during the day."

Josh paused for a moment. "Aren't you cold?" He asked.

"Absolutely." Tyler turned to look at Josh. "When you consider things like the stars, our lives don't seem like very much, do they?"

"No." Josh closed his eyes. "D'you think that it's possible that the world itself is without meaning?"

Tyler turned to Josh finally, smiling. Josh's heart ached. "It's possible. But is it plausible?"

They were quiet for a while more. Then Tyler stretched out his legs, sighing. "The reason I like staying out late so is because between the hours of 1am and 5am, the world is quiet and no one expects anything of me. No interruptions. No noise. I like the feeling of being awake when nobody else is." Tyler tilted his head back. "I could stare at my wall for 4 hours and there would be no consequences. It's so silent and calm. I love it."

Josh swung his legs over the rooftop, nodding. He found Tyler's eyes in the weak light. He loved Tyler's eyes. It looked like autumn had been compressed into two little balls of colour to fit inside his irises. And his smile was all caramel and warmth and fire... 

Tyler grinned, then leant forward and poked Josh's cheeks. 

"Stop staring at me, Joshua."

"Sorry." Then before Josh could bite the words back, they fell out of his mouth. "I, uh... I love your smile, Tyler."

"Oh?" Tyler raised an eyebrow, his features soft.

Josh's face flushed. "It's just... it's not the bullshit smile everyone gives each other these days. It's a genuine one."

"It's just a smile, Joshua." Tyler nudged him teasingly.

Josh glanced at Tyler. "Maybe to you."

Then there was this weird moment where they just stared at each other, and their eyes had an entire conversation that their mouths had no part in.

Before Josh knew it, Tyler was on his feet and running. 

The two boys took the stairs two at a time back down to the pavement, and Tyler ran down the street in the almost-rain. Josh faltered after a moment, and Tyler immediately turned around, jogging backwards. As if he sensed Josh's doubts. As if he didn't need to turn around to know exactly where he was.  

"Stay with me," he said.

So Josh did.

He ran and his blood pumped, adrenalin coursing through his veins, and it was almost like him and Tyler were  _one_. Electricity ran through them. They ran straight across the empty road, their breaths mingling in front of them. Tyler grinned and ran harder, something like insanity stealing his mind like a deranged thief. 

And then he started to sing.

His voice was loud and raw and clear in the night air. It was the only sound, aside from Josh's ragged breaths, and Josh stared at him, eyes wide.

 _Sometimes we will die and sometimes we will fly away_  
_Either way you're by my side until my dying days_  
_And if I'm not there and I'm far away_  
_I said, "Don't be afraid."_  
_I said, "Don't be afraid. We're going home."_

Tyler closed his eyes. "Am I alive and well or am I dreaming dead?" He whispered.

He was utterly perfect.

"You're crazy." Josh said, completely breathless, standing in the wake of Tyler's heavenly glow.

Tyler opened his eyes and grinned again, his head tilted back to the heavens. "I am crazy. But you know you can't live without me."


	19. Tyler

"Hurry up, Joshua!" Tyler whined, waiting on the pavement outside the Dun's house impatiently. 

"Coming," Josh huffed, stepping outside and closing the door behind him. He was wearing a burgundy bomber jacket and converse and a black beanie, left earbud in and the right one dangling, and Tyler swallowed as the boy approached him. Shit. As soon as Josh was close, he shoved his black hoodie in Tyler's hands, and Tyler looked at him confusedly.

"I didn't want you to get cold," Josh mumbled, and Tyler's heart ached a bit as he grinned and shrugged it on. It smelt like mint and honey and soap. It smelt like Josh. 

Tyler thought about the night before as they made their way down the street to school. After everything that had happened last night, the two of them had walked back to Josh's house and curled up together, sharing tired whispers until they both eventually fell asleep. 

And God, Tyler had loved it.

He loved being with Josh when he'd usually be alone. He loved feeling their words working with each other, feeling the simple joy of falling into the same rhythm, thinking companionable thoughts. It was so easy with Josh, and he didn't have to pretend to be anyone else like he did with his family.

Josh knew him better than his family did.

Tyler realised after a few seconds that he'd stopped walking, and was instead watching Josh; hands in pockets, chin tilted up. And it was scary, how much he mattered.

Tyler had worried for a while that last night had been spent in a rose coloured world, and that morning would show that the things he hoped were happening weren't really happening, that his heart got ahead of itself. It happened it lot for Tyler - the force of loneliness was strong, and it swayed him. Or the euphoria of the helium hours was strong enough to lift him into the realm of improbability. The next day, the sugar rush wore off.

But sometimes, it was there. Sometimes the magic remained. Maybe it even grew in the daylight.

Tyler jogged to catch up with his best friend in the bright morning, taking deep breaths through his nose. They walked so that their shoulders brushed every time they took a step, and Tyler took Josh's dangling ear plug and put it in his ear. Something by Joy Division, he thought. 

_This is the car at the edge of the road_   
_There's nothing disturbed, all the windows are closed_   
_I guess you were right, when we talked in the heat_   
_There's no room for the weak, no room for the weak_

Tyler nudged Josh gently, getting the boy's attention. "Time?"

Josh checked his phone. "7:46."

"Can we stop at Taco Bell for an iced coffee?" 

Josh laughed. His eyes did the squinchy thing, and Tyler died a little. "I was just about to ask you the same thing," Josh said.

\-----------------

Classes were a blur that day. Tyler spent most of the lessons with his phone under his desk, texting Josh. His hearing was mute. His sight was deaf. English was science, mathematics was conversation, and music was something that bled. He texted Josh, not taking in anything as he drifted from class to class, so far away he was inside myself.

Lunch came. Josh found Tyler quickly and shot him a smile, which Tyler softly returned. They walked aimlessly to their table, Tyler absentmindedly tucking the sleeves of his jumper around his knuckles as he did. He doubted he'd be giving it back any time soon. He knew he shouldn't be acting like this, but that day, he didn't care. 

Someone was sitting in his seat when he arrived.

Whoever it was had blonde hair and a perfect jawline. "Hey! uh, Tyler, right?" they asked, forking some pasta and glancing up at Tyler casually.

Tyler nodded. "Yeah. And you're... Mikey?"

"Mhm," was all he said, looking back down at his meal. Tyler frowned, but realised what was going on a moment later.

Pete froze the second saw Mikey. Frank shoved him forward, sighing exasperatingly. "The fuck, Wentz?"

Pete shoved him back, then sat down in his usual seat, opposite Mikey. "Um. Hi," he said nervously.

"Hey Pete." Mikey said, smiling a little. 

"Mama, oooh, I don't wanna die, I sometimes wish I'd never been born at allllll..."Brendon's voice rang out across the entire cafeteria as he entered. He skidded across the floor towards the table, Ryan walking behind him with a tray of macaroni and cheese, trying not to laugh.

"Emo is over. Go home."Gerard rolled his eyes, stealing Frank's jell-o.

Before Tyler knew it, their entire table was full of talking people, and Tyler and Josh were both still standing awkwardly with their trays.

"Uh, should we go sit somewhere else?" Tyler muttered. Josh nodded, hoisting his bag onto his shoulders. He glanced at Mikey.

"That's the dude Pete likes?" He whispered to Tyler.

Tyler rolled his eyes. "Yeah. He's in my seat."

"He's got a nice face." Josh said teasingly.

Tyler shoved him lightly. "Shut up," he said, sitting two tables away from their usual group. Josh slid in next to him. They sipped at Capri Suns and watched Pete flirt with Mikey. Pete had came out the previous year, which had been a surprise to absolutely no one. And now... now he was flushed and grinning and he wouldn't stop fixing his black fringe, and Tyler could see Frank and Gerard were almost pissing themselves. Tyler leant back in his chair, playing with the wrapper of his protein bar. Josh turned to him suddenly.

"Tyler?"

"Yeah?"

"Y'know you can feel free to stay with me anytime, right?"

At that exact moment, the bell rang to signal the end of lunch. Tyler breathed slowly, trying to block out the constant C sharp hum of the cafeteria. He followed Josh to art, his mind frenzied.

_What did Josh mean? What did Josh know?_

Tyler tried to concentrate in art. He liked art. Specifically, he liked drawing. To be even more precise, he liked drawing faces. He liked trying to capture every emotion and angle and curve and shadow on the palette of someone's face. He unconsciously reached for the new rubber band on his wrist, playing with it between his fingers and letting it go. He didn't see Josh glance at him worriedly.

Because Tyler had something else to think about. His mom had organised an appointment with his old therapist after school. Without asking him. And he _hated_ it. He hated seeing strangers to talk about his feelings. He hated the walls. The ceiling fan. The clock. The questions. The idle hands. He shook his head as if to clear it, and the rest of class was a blur. They were studying the origins of water colouring or something. He'd ask Josh later. He had one? Two? More periods before school ended. He couldn't remember. Why couldn't he remember? He shook his head again.

"Ty?" Josh whispered when they were in the hallway.

"Mmm?"

"Everything okay?" Josh blinked at him. 

“I don’t know what okay is,” Tyler replied.

“What?” Josh frowned.

“I mean… I don’t know what okay means. No, not what it means. Where it comes from. Where does okay come from?”

Josh took out his phone. They looked it up.

The answer: nobody knew. They thought it was a misspelled version of all correct- either oll korrect or ole kurreck- but they weren't really sure.

Meaning divorced from origin. And it was okay.

“Weird,” Josh said.

“Yeah,” Tyler agreed.

Tyler was glad Josh didn't notice he didn't answer the first question. 

When school ended, Tyler caught the bus to the city centre, his nails digging into his palms the whole journey. He stared out the window with wide eyes, the buildings smudging into a blurred line. He snuggled tighter in Josh's hoodie, wishing he still had him by his side. 

Tyler's doctor was Dr. Heaton. He resided on the seventh floor of a cold white building in a busy street, with fluorescent lights and classical music playing in the waiting room. Tyler was five minutes late to his appointment, and was quickly ushered in on his arrival.

The doctor sat patiently in his seat as Tyler entered, the boy taking in familiar thick dark hair and tired eyes. 

"Hello Tyler. It's been a while since we last spoke. How are you?" Dr Heaton asked, his voice perfectly calm.

"Fine." Tyler replied. That was another thing Tyler hated. You were always meant to say fine when people asked you how you were, even if you weren't fine.

"How have... things been going?"

"Things are okay." Tyler said quietly. The ceiling fan whirred.

The doctor scribbled something in his notebook. Tyler glanced at it nervously. He wanted to leave. He really wanted to leave. He wanted to get out of this chair and storm out the heavy oak door and leave Dr Heaton alone with his spinning chair and mini fridge. Tyler glanced at the walls.

"Any news?" His doctor asked nonchalantly.

Tyler considered. There was news. Should he tell him about the darkness and the blood and the falling away? Should he tell him about the walls? How they move and crawl closer and closer and that's why he's so desperate to stay outside and so desperate to get away from Blurryface?

The doctor seemed to read his mind. "Tyler, I can't help you if you don't tell me what's going on."

Tyler looked away. "There's nothing going on."

Tyler's doctor scribbled something else, nodding slowly, realizing he wouldn't get anything else out of Tyler on the subject. They were both quiet for a moment.

"You play piano, don't you, Tyler?"

Tyler nodded, the repetitive movement one he knew the doctor was extremely familiar with. "Um, yeah. And ukulele."

The doctor nodded slowly, as if figuring out what he was trying to say. "What do you, uh, like about those instruments? Why do you enjoy playing them?"

Tyler leaned back in his seat, thinking about the question. He wasn't expecting it. "Music isn't something you hear, really."

The doctor chuckled a little bit at that. "Oh?"

"If you hear music, you're not listening to it properly. Music is. . . well, it's something you feel. The rise and fall of your heart with chords and beat, you feel that. Hearing music won't let you experience that."

"And what does this have to do with the instruments you play?"

"I can feel those best, I guess. Like Josh feels drums best- um." Tyler almost kicked himself.

The doctor raised his eyebrows but didn't say anything. He scribbled something else in his notebook and asked, "Care to embellish?"

Tyler nodded slowly. "Music isn't supposed to fit into a box, y'know? Music doesn't need a genre or anything. I don't make music, music is the one making me. So if music is making me, the instruments do, too. It's introspective. It has meaning."

More notes. More scribbling and scratching of pen on paper. "Tyler, can I ask you a very. . . personal question?"

"Isn't that what all of this is?"

Another light chuckle. "I suppose so, yes." He shifted in his seat a little bit. "Tyler, how would you describe yourself? What do you see in yourself? Do these instruments let you see something in yourself you couldn't see before?"

Tyler shifted uncomfortably in his seat. How was he supposed to explain that Josh's room was E flat? That his father was G sharp?

How was he supposed to explain that he saw life as a massive compilation of notes and chords and sounds?

"Music can move. Music can change things. Music can make things hurt less. Music can make things make sense for moments at a time." Tyler shrugged, looking out the window.

"What is it that you see in yourself, Tyler?" The doctor asked.

Tyler thought for a moment. "Nothing. That's the thing. I don't see anything. And music... It makes it seem like there is a purpose. It makes it seem worthwhile."

The doctor stopped writing to stare at Tyler.

"You're an interesting case, Tyler." He checked his watch. "It's half past four. I'll see you next week."

Tyler walked back to his house. The weather had deteriorated again. The air felt like a static shock, like the stillness when lights go out. Like rainstorms.

And Tyler thought that maybe last night was a rose-coloured world, after all.

_Whether it's the weather or the letters by my bed, sometimes death seems better than the migraine in my head..._


	20. Josh

Josh stood outside the Joseph family's front door, hesitating. Maybe he shouldn't have come. It was almost five o'clock, and it was getting cold. He crossed his arms over his chest, eying the door nervously. Maybe Tyler didn't even want to see him. Josh probably should have texted him earlier, but it was too late now. He was here, and he was almost scared to go in. The air was thick. The curtains were closed. _Just fucking do it, Josh._ He exhaled slowly, then leant forward and knocked twice on the door.

A minute later, Tyler's mom opened it.

"Hello?" she said, frowning.

"Uh, hi." Josh swallowed, shoving his hands in his pockets.

She looked at him for a moment. "You're Josh," she said.

Josh nodded. "I just came to see if Tyler was home," he said nervously.

Tyler's mom shook her head. "Not yet. He will be soon, though. You can wait in his room, if y'like. It's the last one in the hall." She opened the door wider, her eyes exhausted.

Josh nodded and awkwardly stepped into the house.

Josh didn't go to Tyler's house very often. Tyler always insisted they go to Josh's, and Josh always agreed. He knew that Tyler had been having some trouble with his family. The whole house seemed tense and quiet and empty _._ Empty, but not void. Void was when there was absolutely nothing there and the nothing was natural, a complete vacuum. But empty - with empty, you were aware of what was supposed to be there. Empty meant something was missing.

Maybe noise was what was missing. Maybe it was the simple feeling of contentment. Josh didn't really know. He walked slowly down the hall, walls bare of pictures, to Tyler's room.

The bed wasn't made. The curtains were closed, throwing the room into stale shadow. Posters hung loosely on the walls. The wardrobe door was ajar. The desk was littered with Tyler's laptop, headphones, some aspirins. A charger and a packet of rubber bands. A folder and a notebook.

Josh walked over to the desk, trailing his hand over Tyler's things. The notebook was lying open, and before he cold stop himself, he glanced at it.

He wished he didn't.

_It keeps coming back._

_I don't know if I'll ever be able to stop it, really. It feels like I'm drowning in it, like the sadness is coming up to my neck, my mouth, my eyes._ _It's not always there. But when it is, it's the worst feeling in the world. Because I have no control over it. Because I know how it ends._

_I don't want to fall forever. All I want to do is stand on solid ground._

_~~I can stand on solid ground with Josh.~~ _

_I know it'd be better without my dad, but what is there I can do? There is so much I want to say to him, to everyone. Because_ _I'm not just some fucked up kid. I'm not. And I'm not going to let my dad make me all about things that happened to me because that's all he knows how to see people. Shitty things happened to me. They happened and I'm dealing. I'm fine with being wounded, but not to prove a point. I'm not an archetype. I'm sixteen fucking years old._

_I know I've been defined by my dad. And my family. And the more I try to resist definition, the more they've defined me. But this, this time with Josh I get, it needs to exist outside definition. Or, at the very least, me and Josh need to get a chance to define it ourselves._

Josh shook his head slightly, his eyes unable to move from the page. "Tyler..." he breathed. 

His heart ached as he flipped through the book. There was so much in there, so much of Tyler in there, that Josh felt bad for looking at it. It felt like he was staring right at his soul.

Even so, Josh read over the small, mindless scribblings, lines of songs lyrics, crossed out and rewritten. He turned to a page near the back, his eyes hovering over a paragraph of rushed lyrics. It was simply titled **FUCK YOU, DAD.**

 _The old man sits all by himself/a_ _nd thinks of better years_  
_When he used to believe in stars/a_ _nd would dream away his fears_  
_The young boy moves so fast he doesn't/s_ _ee the stars above_  
_And all his dreams are crushed by old man/w_ _ho didn't dream enough_

 _We must all agree/t_ _here's a point in life when darkness breaks our/b_ _rittle hopes and dreams_  
_And I'd say/i_ _t must be tonight._

When Josh could find it in himself to tear his eyes away, his eyes found the wall above Tyler's desk. On it, the words _save me_ were scratched into the wall again and again and again.

Josh shook his head. _No. No._ Josh knew Tyler was struggling, but this? This was just... this wasn't him. This was someone else. Someone Josh didn't know. 

But it wasn't. It wasn't because when Josh turned to the last page, he was looking at himself.

Tyler had drawn him. 

He was grinning, his eyes crinkling in the corners, his SnapBack on backwards over his hair. It was half finished, but the resemblance was there, and Josh felt his cheeks flush. Underneath, written in big block letters, was **JOSHUA.** Underneath that, in smaller letters, was written _he's stolen my air catcher, and I don't know if I want it back._

Josh tried to regulate his breathing, but God he wanted to know what it all meant.

And then the front door swung open.

Josh quickly replaced the notebook and took a deep breath, walking over to the doorway. And there was Tyler.

Josh almost hugged him. But he didn't.

Tyler froze as soon as he saw Josh, his hands shoved in his pockets in the dim hallway. "Josh? What the fuck? What are you doing here?"

"Uh, you're mom let me in. She told me to wait in your room."

"Why?" Tyler looked at him like he was insane.

"Well... you seemed kind of off at school, and you weren't answering your calls. I just wanted to check on you." Tyler didn't respond, just looked down, so Josh kept talking.

"I'm you're best friend," he said quietly. "I'm allowed to worry about you."

Tyler seemed distracted. His face was pale, but his cheeks were flushed. "Well, I appreciate it, but everything's fine," Tyler said, walking past Josh into his room. He had his backpack on his back, and he quickly put it on his bed and filled it with the notebook, laptop, and earplugs, and before Josh could say anything, he walked back out of the room.

"Tyler- wait!"

Tyler was nearly out the door. He was ignoring his mom. He was ignoring Josh too. He opened the front door and stepped outside into the cool dusk air.

"Tyler, stop." Josh followed him out the door, standing opposite Tyler, eyes pleading.

"What's gotten into you, Ty?" Josh whispered. The wind went right through his T-shirt, and Josh noticed Tyler still had on his hoodie. He looked better in it anyway.

Tyler shook his head. "Josh, you have to get out of here."

"Why? What's wrong, Ty?" Josh was standing close to Tyler, and never in his life had he wanted to touch someone so much. He was completely infatuated. It scared him.

"What's right?" Tyler said quietly.

Josh shoved his hands in his pockets. Tyler sighed, almost sadly, his doe eyes studying the ground. "I have to go."

"Right. Don't let me stop you." Josh replied flatly.

"You already did." Tyler's answer was short, and Josh didn't know why he was acting like this. Especially after last night. Josh had almost thought... he'd almost thought the two of them could work. 

"Well, yeah, I went out of my way to see you because I _like_ you, Tyler. Sorry _._ " Josh shrugged, kicking at a stone on the pavement.

Tyler hesitated for a moment, then he stepped towards Josh and smiled a little, his eyes lined with shadows. "I mean no disrespect, I am simply very perplexed by your ways..." Tyler murmured. Then he walked straight past Josh and started down the sidewalk.

Josh didn't follow him.

Instead, he slowly made his way back to his house, head down, Tyler's words repeating themselves over and over in his mind in the dusk light. 

_5:26 pm_

**Me:** Ty, you better be at school on Monday. If you're not I will go looking for you and if I die I'm holding you personally responsible

_Read at 5:28 pm_


	21. Tyler

"This isn't a damn hotel. Come on, off you go."

Tyler's head shot up from the table as the distant voice reverberated in his tired mind, blinking blearily. His eyes eventually focused on a Taco Bell worker standing above him. She looked checked out, and Tyler blinked again. "Oh. Uh, sorry."

He'd fallen asleep in Taco Bell. _He'd fucking fallen asleep in Taco Bell._ What kind of person did that?

Tyler scrambled up, running a hand through his hair. He didn't hesitate in grabbing his bag and his abandoned iced coffee, bolting out the door as soon as he was up.

It wasn't raining. That was something. The air was chill and the darkness was only softened by streetlights. He checked his phone. Midnight. He felt disappointment in the hour - he wanted it to be seven or eight or oblivion.

Tyler needed somewhere to go.

_I won't run. I won't run. I won't run._

Instead, he just wrapped his hands around his coffee cup. And waited.

For what? For some epiphany? For something to just snap in his brain? For some answers as to why he thought going to a Taco Bell would be a good idea? Why he thought it was all going to be okay?

His phone lit up in his hand. He was glad of the distraction. 

_12:07 AM_

**Jenna:** _hi Ty, everything okay?_

 **Me:** _Hi Jen, everything's okay :) go to bed_

 **Jenna:** _you go to bed_

 **Me:** _zzzzz_

 **Jenna:** _that's what I like to hear :')_

Tyler sat down against the building, his mind fragmenting as he did. Because he was still _nowhere._  He was nowhere and no matter how hard he looked, there was no somewhere to be found, especially inside himself. He was angry at his father, at the world, but mostly he'd come to feel that all this was inevitable, that he was born to be a boy who must sleep fall asleep in fast food reasturants, that there was no way he could've made it through this. He felt like he'd been soured by everything he'd done. It was the flame that kept his mind alight.

He was too tired to do anything about it. Too tired to figure out a better place to be. Too tired to run away somewhere else. So he sat there with his eyes closed, wishing he didn't have to feel this goddamn sad. Unable to live. Unable to leave.

_What do I do?_

He knew what he wanted to do. But actually doing it was another story.

He wanted to go to Josh's.

Because... because he was a fucking beacon. He was the only stable thing Tyler had ever had, and it scared him. Having someone genuinely care about him the way Josh did was like discovering a new window in the room he'd lived in all his life.

And Josh had offered for Tyler to stay, after all. Hadn't he?

Tyler didn't notice Blurryface come and sit beside him until the shadow cleared his throat.

"I'm doing it." Tyler murmured. "You can't talk me out of it."

Blurryface snorted. _What if he says no, huh?_

"That's his choice."

_He might laugh._

"No, he won't. He wouldn't."

_What will you do if he thinks you're annoying?_

Tyler stiffened when he heard that word. Annoying.

That was the word. The word that ran through Tyler's head when his mom watched him take his two pills every morning, like he was a small child with big problems.

Annoying.

That was the only word that went through his head when he ran away that one summer before middle school. He was gone for a night and a day before the cops found him. His mom kept him on house arrest for weeks in fear of him sneaking off again.

Annoying. Annoying. Annoying.

"He won't," Tyler said, the uncertainty clear in his voice.

_He might yell at you._

"I- he won't."

_You can't do this, can you?_

"Yes, I c-"

_You never will._

"I-"

_Josh doesn't want you._

"You don't know that."

_He's only being nice to you because he feels bad for you._

"Stop."

_I'm only saying the truth._

"That's not true." Tyler's fists clenched.

_Yes it is._

"Stop."

_You're a coward. You won't do it._

"Stop."

_Coward._

"Stop."

_Josh hates you. You're pathetic._

Tyler's nails dug into his hair and screamed "STOP!"

And maybe any other time, just shaking his head and going for a walk would be enough for him to forget those thoughts, but right then it seemed impossible. Even when his nails dragged painfully across his skin, or when he twisted his fingers so tight in his hair, or when his teeth were digging into his bottom lip so hard he could taste metal.

_Don't do it, Tyler. Don't embarrass yourself more._

Tyler shook his head slightly in reply, shoving his phone back in his pocket.

_I won't run. I won't run. I won't run._

Tyler's conflicts of conscience were such tiring battles. It had always been his enemy, and he'd spent so much time warring against it, with therapy and sleepless nights and bad behaviour, with precision-guided prescriptions that targeted specific regions.

But that night, Tyler could not be fucked going on the same ride again.

Screw Blurryface. He needed Josh.

He got his phone back out, pressed Josh's name and listened as it rang. It went to voicemail. He rang Josh again.

There was a sound from the other end of the line. A sigh.

"Josh, please, are you there?"

"Yeah, I'm awake Ty. What's wrong?" Josh sounded half asleep, but worried. Tyler exhaled audibly. The sound of Josh's voice was immediate contentment.

"I'm scared." Tyler said quietly.

He heard Josh sit up. "Where are you?"

"Um, outside Taco Bell."

"I'll be right there. Just give me a few minutes, okay?"

Tyler frowned. "Josh, you don't have to-"

But Josh had already hung up.

\----------------

A few minutes later, headlights bit into the opaque darkness. Tyler was shivering violently at that stage. The wind was raw and aching. It felt like tiny needles raking his skin. 

Josh parked the car and got out, stepping out into the bitter street. Tyler watched silently as Josh jogged over, rubbing his hands together to fight off the cold. he simply stood in front of Tyler for a moment, almost like he was taking him in, inventorying Tyler's entire being. That's when Tyler realised how wrinkled his own clothes were, how shadowed his face was. Josh had clearly noticed too. 

"Jesus, Tyler. What's going on?" Josh murmured, stepping closer and tracing his hand up Tyler's shoulder. Tyler almost leant into the touch.

Instead, he rubbed his face tiredly. "It's going to be... I think the worst is... I don't know. I haven't slept properly for days. I need a shower. I wanted to talk to you before but no one needs this level of heaviness in their life and-"

"Why don't you let me be the judge of that? Tell me what's going on," Josh said, concern clear in his dark eyes under the street light.

"I-" but Tyler broke off and shook his head. "I'm sorry."

"No, that's okay. We can talk about it." Josh ran a hand through his hair, his breath condensing in front of him. "C'mon, Ty. Get in. You can't stay out in this." 

So Tyler got into the passenger seat and the heat was blasting and Josh had his Muse CD in and Tyler felt a tiny, tiny piece of him lift a bit. Josh slowly drove them back to his house in the night, one eye always glancing across at Tyler. 

"You're gonna be okay, Ty," Josh kept murmuring.

Tyler looked out the window, not replying. He hoped Josh was right.

When they arrived, Josh parked his car down the street a bit so his parents wouldn't hear him - it was a rule he couldn't drive past ten - and he and Tyler slipped quietly in the front door. 

The lights were off inside, the house utterly still and quiet. Josh walked into the kitchen and turned the light on, Tyler trudging behind him. He couldn't see Blurryface, but he knew he was there. He was always there. Josh chucked Tyler an energy bar, then opened the freezer.

"I'll get some ice cream," he murmured, ducking his head to look.

Tyler looked at the energy bar in his hands blankly. Then he looked up, finding his eyes in his reflection on the mirrored splash-back lining the kitchen. For a moment, he expected to see a massive red flag emblazoned with the words DO NOT BECOME EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED WITH ME, and God, he knew the room was barely big enough for half his baggage.

Maybe... maybe he shouldn't drag Josh down with him.

"You know what, I'll just leave," Tyler blurted out. Josh turned from where he was retrieving the ice cream from the freezer.

"What?" Josh dropped the spoons on the table, leaning on it to look at Tyler.

"I'm leaving," Tyler announced in a small voice. Josh squinted up at him, and Tyler could feel his cheeks flush and his eyes blinking hard.

"Oh, Tyler," Josh said softly.

Before Tyler knew what was happening, Josh was standing up straight and walking towards him. And then. and then he pulled Tyler, quickly and gently, against his chest.

_Finally._

Tyler immediately wrapped his arms around Josh's neck, burying his face in the warmth. He knew how much he needed this. The two of them stood in silence for a good few moments, taking each other in, chests rising and falling in time. And maybe, as Tyler's body entwined with Josh's, a little part of his soul did too.

Josh ran a hand through Tyler's hair and murmured, "Why are you so cold?" and Tyler replied "Why are you so warm?" and as Josh held him he said "I just am."

Eventually, Josh pried himself away to look into Tyler's eyes, and Tyler didn't know if Josh felt it, but electric currents were alive in the air around him. 

"Let's go to my room," Josh whispered, grabbing the ice cream and grabbing Tyler before making his way up the stairs as quietly as he could. 

Tyler sighed at the familiarity as they entered Josh's room, taking in the smell of coffee and warmth and _Josh_. Josh closed the door behind him, letting go of Tyler's hand as if he'd only just realised he was holding it.

"Do you want something comfier to wear?" Josh asked, glancing at Tyler's skinny jeans. "You can borrow some of my sweatpants, if you want."

Tyler considered for a moment, then smiled a little. "Okay."

Tyler watched Josh put the ice cream down on his bed, his socks dragging on the ground as he made his way to his closet and pulled out some black sweatpants.

"They'll match your aesthetic," Josh reassured Tyler as he passed them over.

"Black like my soul," Tyler mumbled, peeling out of his skinny jeans before Josh could look away, too tired to find any dignity. He slipped them on, and Josh pulled the blanket back for him to crawl under. Tyler shoved his face into the pillow, sighing in content. He waited momentarily before turning back over, finding Josh in the darkness. Neither of them said a word as they remained close on Josh's bed, spooning ice cream in the faded light. 

It was mocha flavoured.

"Look, we haven't been that honest with each other lately. I just don't know what you mean sometimes, Tyler." Josh said after a few moments, his blue hair falling on lazy waves across his forehead. He stretched out his legs, moonlight flooding in the open window. Josh refused to pull his blind down.

"You know I'm not right." Tyler murmured, refusing to meet his best friend's eye.

"What do you mean?"

"You know there's something wrong with me, don't you?" Tyler looked down, suddenly finding the comforter incredibly interesting. 

Josh frowned, brushing Tyler's hair out of his eyes. "Tyler, there's nothing wrong with you."

Tyler shook his head, knowing full well Josh wouldn't look at him the same. "I don't know why I do it." Tyler whispered.

"Do what?"

"Hurt myself."

"Tyler." Josh pulled him close, his chin on Tyler's shoulder.

"I can't help it."

"I know."

"I want to be okay. Normal. I want a normal family and a normal life. But I'm just so fucked up, you know?" Tyler rubbed at his eyes, exhausted. "You shouldn't have to put up with me."

"No. That's not true."

There was a pause as Tyler gathered his words. "I don't know what to do anymore, Josh."

Josh took Tyler's face in his hands, and Tyler's breath caught. This felt new. This felt good.

"Tyler Joseph, you are the kindest, strongest, most resilient boy I know. I don't know how to make it clear to you how much you mean to me."

Tyler didn't know how to respond. His lungs were flooded. The room was flooded.

"Oh," he finally whispered. He didn't think he'd ever be able to understand why Josh cared so much, but God, he was glad. 

"Ty."

"Yeah?"

"D'you want to... you want to watch a movie?" Josh's eyes were bright in the moonlight, and Tyler fell a little bit in love with them.

Tyler smiled a little bit. "Yeah. You choose."

Josh squeezed his arm gently, then reached for his laptop. "Okay, I've got the perfect one." 

A minute later, High School Musical flashed onto the screen.

"High School Musical?" Tyler laughed. Josh poked him. "I don't need to explain myself to you," he grinned.

And so they sat wrapped together in Josh's comforter, eating ice cream and singing duets and they were just so close that Tyler could do nothing to stop the thoughts pervading his mind.

_I love his skin against mine. I love his skin against mine. I love his skin against mine._

It had always been hard for Tyler to be alone. And this... this was heaven, this feeling of being entirely open. They talked and sat close and the only time that passed was morning as it dawned.

Tyler had never had anybody talk to him like this. This was not a flirty sixth grade phone call or a bantering with friends or words passed in a note. He felt that if his soul could talk, it would talk like this.

All soft lines, and blurry edges.

Josh was there. And Blurryface was nowhere to be found.

_Take me higher than I've ever been..._


	22. Josh

Josh woke up late the next morning.

He sat up slowly in bed, pushing a hand through his hair and yawning. His room was flooded with sunlight. His laptop was discarded on the floor. 

And his best friend was asleep in his bed.

Josh bit his lip as he looked at the sleeping boy. Tyler was curled up tightly in his comforter, his tawny hair a mess, breathing softly. And he just looked so _peaceful._  His chest rose and fell evenly, his mouth parted a little. And maybe it was getting to the point where Josh didn't care if it was wrong to watch his best friend sleep and think about how adorable he was. He didn't care if it was wrong to lay back down beside him and sleep.

Josh did just that.

Tyler's body was warm. He smelt like gingerbread and pumpkin spice and fall. Josh sighed contentedly, into Tyler's neck, his eyes closing. He listened to the calm tone, the budding sighs. His bed was unbelievably wonderful at that moment and he was suddenly overcome with all the sleep he'd lost in the past week. Too tired to be aware of what he was doing, Josh snuggled closer to Tyler, breathing in his scent and slowly falling asleep to the constant rhythmic breathing.

\---------------

The second time around, Josh woke to movement. Tyler had rolled over to face Josh, grinning sleepily. "Well hi there," he murmured.

"Hi," Josh said back quietly.

Tyler laughed. Their noses were almost touching. "What are we doing, Joshua Dun?"

Josh shrugged, flustered, pulling the comforter over his head. "I don't know," came his muffled reply. His cheeks were flushed because _really, what did he think he was doing?_  

Then he heard Tyler giggle again, pulling the comforter off Josh.

"You know the world can see us, in a way that's different than who we are..."

Josh's chuckled, knowing he couldn't resist. 

"Creating space between us, 'till we're separate hearts..."

Tyler fell against him as they sang the next line together, perfectly capturing Gabriella and Troy in their performance.

"But your faith, it gives me strength, strength to believe..."

Tyler stood up on Josh's bed, his arms spread wide. 

"We're breaking free!"

Josh stood up too, using Tyler for balance.

"We're soarin'..."

Tyler grinned and twirled Josh round.

"Flyin'..."

Their voices were so loud that had it not have been almost noon, they would have woken up the entire neighborhood.

"There's not a star in heaven that we can't reach..."

Tyler was happy and that alone set Josh off, his face glowing.

"If we're trying, yeah we're breaking free, oh, we're breaking free..."

Tyler laughed and flopped down on the bed so he was looking at Josh upside down, his hair tufting up. "Josh?" He whispered. Josh raised his eyebrows in reply. "You know you're my best friend, right?" Tyler continued.

Josh nodded, smiling softly. "I know."

He sat down beside Tyler, watching the corners of his eyes crinkling as he grinned. This was an extraordinary person, Josh knew. A little messy. A little ruined. 

A beautiful disaster. 

It wasn't until Tyler that Josh understood how a person could be disarming. He had spent years of his life sitting in his room, creating defences of cynicism, darkness, and bleakness. Tyler was the skeleton key to his fortress. He disarmed Josh every time.

Josh looked away before Tyler could see him staring.

"My parents think I'm crazy," Tyler said suddenly, his eyes studying the ceiling.

Josh sobered immediately, frowning. "You're not crazy, Tyler."

Tyler stared at Josh upside down, blinking his massive brown eyes. "I know. I know I'm not. But... Josh..." Tyler sat up so he faced Josh fully. "Okay, I feel like I need to tell you this. My mom and my doctor were talking, and..." Tyler took a deep breath. "...my doctor wants to start me on antidepressants." Tyler blurted.

Josh frowned, his heart beating fast.

"I mean, I've been on drugs before, but these are new. And I'm scared because I never thought it would get this bad, but it has Josh, it has."

Josh thought of the notebook. The wall. The rubber bands.

"I want to help you, Ty." Josh said quietly. And God, he meant it.

Tyler looked up to the ceiling again, his eyebrows furrowed. "I mean, I kind of like the irony of it all. Taking pills that will never actually help me. I find it amusing how easily deceived people are by white coats, by doctors." Tyler shrugged. 

Josh wrapped the comforter around his shoulders, his legs crossed. He watched as Tyler's eyes darted, and his hands kneaded together nervously. After over a year of knowing Tyler, Josh had picked up the knowledge of what he did depending on how he was feeling, and how to settle him again. 

"Ty, it's all gonna be okay. You know that, right?" Josh stood up and stretched, then turned to Tyler with a grin. "Let's go on an escapade."

Tyler snorted, rolling his eyes, but Josh insisted. "Where shall we gallivant?' he asked.

Tyler sat up in bed, clearly knowing full well what mood Josh was in. "Enrapture me with some possibilities," he said.

Josh smiled. "We can promenade, dither, roustabout, effervesce or spiral."

Tyler screwed up his nose. "I'll do anything but spiral," he said.

Josh nodded, knowing exactly what he meant. "Let's promenade," he decided as he  slowly pulled on sweatpants and converse. Tyler whistled his appreciation, and Josh knew it was a joke, but his blush evidently didn't.

"Okay," Josh said. "Here's what's gonna happen. We're both gonna shower. Then we're going out to get cookies and cream milkshakes, and go to that really awesome music shop that we got those Muse vinyls from that time. Plan?"

Tyler nodded, rolling off the bed.  

By the time they were both showered and dressed and downstairs, Josh's siblings were washing up from their lunch. His mom was drinking coffee at the table.

"Hello," Josh greeted them, already holding the door open for Tyler. Tyler ducked under Josh's arm, smiling softly.

"Going out already?" Josh's mom said, eyebrows raised.

"Yeah." He grinned, his full attention on the boy walking down the path. "Bye," he added, blowing a kiss to his mom before closing the door.

Josh quickly caught up with Tyler, who was already waiting on the pavement. Tyler was wearing Josh's clothes again, which seemed to be turning into a bit of a routine. Josh loved it. This time, Tyler had on a red and black flannel under an unbuttoned black denim jacket, his hair messy and his autumn eyes alight like burning leaves.

Josh felt his cheeks flush in the freezing air.

Josh knew he liked Tyler. But what did that mean? To what extent did he like Tyler? Honestly, he just couldn't comprehend his feelings for his best friend at all. How was Josh supposed to get rid of Tyler's smile, the one he did when Josh knew he was happy? The one where his lips curled up slightly to thank him? The one where small wrinkles formed in the soft skin by his eyes? The one where he was wild and carefree and happy and it was just so wide and beautiful that you wanted to capture it?

Josh sighed. It was so hard liking boys.

For all Josh knew, Tyler might have been dating Jenna that very moment.

 


	23. Tyler

Tyler felt different.

He didn't know what it was exactly. Like something had been lifted, something he didn't even notice had been there for so long. He didn't know how long it would last, but right then, he couldn't bring himself to care. His throat had been cleared. He could finally breathe.

Tyler was up to T in the A - Z section of the music shop, listlessly flipping through as his mind wandered, when he heard the turn table crackle into life. His head shot up, and he saw the shop owner put a record on the table, testing the new stock. 

And then Tyler noticed Josh sitting cross legged on the other side of the store, flipping through some new records. 

Tyler went up behind him and leaned over Josh's back slightly, peering down at the records. He flipped through a few shyly and Josh looked up at him, tugging him down to sit beside him. Shoulder to shoulder they sat, flipping through vinyls while Queen bled into every corner of the store.

Tyler glanced at Josh's profile, and couldn't help but smile softly at how calm Josh's face was, how simple it seemed to sit on the floor and flip through records.

Josh caught him staring and stopped, his hands still resting on the edge of some album, his mocha eyes wide and earnest.

Tyler quickly looked back down, pretending to be interested in a White Stripes album cover. He knew Josh was smiling at him without looking up, and he could feel his cheeks start to heat up. Tyler finally turned his attention back to Josh when he nudged Tyler's arm a little bit, humming along to "I Want to Break Free."

You buying anything?" Josh asked.

Tyler nodded. "Green Day. They have new Dookie vinyls in stock."

Josh grinned. "Pete's gonna be jealous. He's soooo punk rock."

"Pete probably already has it." Tyler continued flipping through the records. Nirvana, Radiohead, Metallica, Weezer, Blink 182...

"I'm getting Third Eye Blind," Josh said finally, pulling an 'Out of the Vein' vinyl from the pile. 

"Oooh." Tyler leaned over, flipping the vinyl cover over and assessing it. "Awesome."

Tyler had started going to this music shop ever since Pete had recommended it to the table the previous year. Tyler loved it. It reminded him of music that pulsed in his veins and broken glass and eyeliner and the roar of crowds and that happy feeling he got in his chest when he thought of something he loved. It made him think of the first time he went to a real concert - thinking his heart was so full it was going to explode all over the speakers. It had been a fucking patronus moment, the kind that Tyler thought was going to drive away all his demons like thieves in the night on buses out of town. He remembered feeling like they were all hearts without ribcages that night, and Tyler hadn't cared what they'd said because he swore he hadn't even felt the broken bottles under his shoes when he was walking home after that show, he had been so far on cloud nine.

Maybe... maybe it was just easier for Tyler to watch people cough up their hearts onstage and go home smelling like pot he didn’t smoke, X’s still on his hands, than cough up his in the bathroom, in his bedroom, all alone like he used to.

And being there with Josh, surrounded by everything he loved, he felt a little less scared, a little less insecure. Like this was his mix-and-match family, his homemade safety net.

It was almost three o'clock when Tyler and Josh made their way back to Josh's car. As Josh drove, Tyler looked at their vinyls again. Muse played. The wind pressed again against the window, trying to get in. Tyler leaned back in his seat, turning his head to stare at Josh. Josh was completely out of it, lazily gripping the steering wheel with one hand and humming along to Knights of Cydonia. They drove past the mall, past the video store, past TGI Friday's, past the movie theatre, past the park, past the diner.

"I could not think of a more rhapsodic way to span a day with you," Tyler murmured, a feeling of warmth flooding his body.

"And I with you," Josh said, chuckling, just as they pulled into the drive-thru of Chik-Fil-A.

And maybe Tyler felt something in the pit of his stomach, like a thousand butterflies or whatever it was people said to describe that nervous feeling you got when you felt yourself being so drawn to someone. Maybe there was that little smile on his face because of Josh's laugh, but maybe his heart was also smiling a little, a small and timid smile, because he thought he was a little bit in love with everything that made up the boy sitting beside him. And although Tyler didn't dare let himself look at Josh for too long, he thought he'd like to see that smile again, hear that laugh again, everyday for the rest of his life.  


He had it bad.

Josh ordered two cookies and cream milkshakes, and the two of them sat in Josh's car in an empty car parking lot, sipping their shakes. Tyler felt the most content he'd felt in a while. Outside it was raining, and the car was warm. Tyler rested the back of his hand against the front window. The condensation felt good. When he took his hand away, it left a print behind. Next to it he drew a circle, and Josh glanced it him, smiling. Tyler pulled his damp hand into his lap, wiped it on his sweats.

A second later, Josh leant forward in his seat and added eyes and a smiley face to Tyler's circle. Before Tyler could stop himself he was leaning forward too and adding sticky out ears and a tuft of hair. Then the two of them leant back, surveyed their work in the comfortable silence.

"Are you and Jenna dating?"

The question was out of the blue, and Tyler turned to Josh so quickly he nearly spilled his drink. "What?"

"Are you dating Jenna?" Josh asked him, sipping casually on his drink.

"Uh... wait... you... why?"

"She texted me a few nights ago. Told me she was planning on asking you out. I was just wondering if she's done it yet."

Tyler had so many thoughts running through his head right then and all he wanted to do was shout them out. He wasn't really sure why. It wasn't like it was a big deal. Josh was his best friend, of course he should know.

"Uh, yeah. She asked me. At Taco Bell." Tyler picked at the lid of his shake, not looking at Josh.

Josh nodded slowly, staring out at the bleak sky. "And?"

Tyler rubbed at his face, suddenly nervous.

"I said no."

Josh frowned, turning his body to face Tyler. "What? You turned her down?"

"Mhmm." Tyler shrugged in what he hoped was a nonchalant way. "So?"

"Nothing." Josh ran a hand through his pretty blue hair. "I'm just... surprised."

"What, did you think I liked her?"

"Well... yeah."

Tyler frowned. "Since when?"

"I don't know! You just seem... good together."

"Well, I mean, she's an awesome friend. One of my closest friends. Not my best friend-" Tyler paused to grin "- but she's there for me, sure. I just don't like her more than that."

Josh nodded slowly again, stirring his shake with his straw. "Okay. Cool."

Tyler tapped his fingers on his knee. "You're turn, Spooky Jim."

Josh grinned, then frowned. "What?"

"You're turn to explain things. Why were you upset last week? What's going on?"

Josh pushed his tongue across his teeth, thinking. "Uh. It's nothing really. My mom just said something about me to lots of people that wasn't really meant to be said. And I was kind of mad."

Tyler raised an eyebrow suggestively. "You gonna tell me what it was?" he said quietly.

Josh paused. Something flickered behind his eyes. "Maybe one day."

Tyler nodded, smiling softly. "That's good."

And there they sat, facing each other in Josh's worn out car, the wind whining outside, milkshakes sitting in their laps.

Tentatively, Josh reached up a hand and touched Tyler's cheek, moving his hand over the skin there, and Tyler moved just so, pushing into his palm. There was so much more, wasn't there? There was so much more to this, but it all made sense that Tyler was there. That they were listening to Muse in Josh's car. It couldn't really be explained. Not then. It didn't _have_ to be explained. It was okay to just happen. That's what Tyler wanted. He just wanted it to _fucking happen._  

But Josh blushed and pulled his hand away and started the car, looking straight ahead.

And as they began to slowly drive back to the Dun household, Tyler realised he'd lost track of where friendship ended and falling began. 

_And it takes someone to come around to show you how..._


	24. Josh

And just like that, Tyler began to stay more and more often.

It was the nights that Josh was least expecting it; quiet nights spent watching short films on Youtube, interrupted by a small knock on the door. And then there'd be two instead of one, bundled under the comforter and watching stories play out on screen. It wasn't every night - just enough to make Josh miss it when it didn't happen. They didn't really talk about it, but Josh was secretly thrilled.

Sometimes they didn't watch movies. Sometimes they listened to soft songs in the moonlight, Radiohead or David Bowie or Ultravox, and looked out Josh's window, both of them lost in their separate thoughts. Josh just liked the underlying comfort of having someone there with him. Sometimes they talked quietly, sometimes they played Mario Kart or Halo 3 with the mute on. They walked to school with Brendon and Ryan most mornings, Josh trying his best to hide his yawns and tired eyes. He knew it would be a good idea to start getting a proper night's sleep again, but he also knew Tyler sometimes had the tendency to get scared and Josh simply had to be there for him. Especially lately. Tyler had seemed to be getting more secretive with how he was feeling, leaving Josh constantly trying to figure him out. It was like he had shutters on his emotions that he could pull down whenever he needed to. 

But nonetheless, the past few nights had been good.

On the Monday of the fourth week of term, Josh was putting his maths books back in his locker when he felt someone touch his hair.

Josh spun around abruptly, frowning. "Wha-"

The girl who had found him in the music room on the first week of school was standing in front of him. Ashley. It didn't take him long to realise that she'd had her hair cut and dyed, and he stared at her blue pixie cut in awe. It was the exact same shade as his own.

"Uh, hi?" Josh said uncomfortably.

Ashley smiled, her teeth perfectly straight and white. "Hello, twin."

Josh chuckled nervously. "Yeah, ha. I like your hair."

"Likewise." Ashley grinned again, either not sensing the awkwardness or just ignoring it. Josh didn't know what was worse.

And then Tyler came running over to Josh with a basketball under his arm, skidding to a stop right in front of Josh's locker. "Hey, Joshie," he said, completely ignoring Ashley. She frowned, standing undecided for a moment while Tyler talked non-stop and leant against Josh's locker, then walked off to her friend on the opposite side of the hall.

The moment she was out of earshot, Tyler frowned.

 "I don't like the vibes she puts off," Tyler said, watching the back of her disappear into the crowd. Josh didn't tell Tyler, but he didn't either.

"So you coming to the game tonight?" Tyler asked suddenly, spinning the basketball on one of his fingers. Josh wished he could do something as cool as that. He watched the ball spin, liking the way the talent was shown off so nonchalantly before answering.

"Yeah, of course."

Tyler grinned, bouncing the ball.

Basketball practice had begun for the term, and Tyler had joined the team the previous year. He had tried his best to persuade Josh to join with him, but Josh had refused. Team sports weren't really his thing. Sport in general wasn't really his thing, but he loved watching Tyler. Tyler was playing tonight, in a practice game to prepare for the November team tryouts, and Josh couldn't wait.

"Tyler Joseph, if I hear that ball bounce one more time I will pop it." 

Tyler grimaced, grabbing the ball out of the air and setting it by his feet. Josh clapped a hand over his mouth, struggling to suppress his laughter.

"Sorry Mrs P," Tyler yelled, exhaling in relief when the health teacher didn't even bother with a reply as she walked past the boys down the hall.

"Not cool, dude." Josh shook his head, acting disappointed. "Bouncing the ball again and again even when the teacher's told you not to-"

Josh was interrupted by Tyler throwing a maths book at him. Josh glared at Tyler before carrying on calmly. "Not cool, dude. Throwing books at your best friend when he's told you again and _again_ not to do that."

Tyler rolled his eyes, grinning, and Josh couldn't help but smile at the easiness between them as they made their way through the crowded hallway to bio.

Biology was the only class they shared with seniors. It was just the weird way their school worked. Those seniors, coincidentally, were Gerard Way and Frank Iero.

Tyler nudged Josh the second they were through the classroom door, gesturing to Gerard and Frank in the corner. They were sitting very close to each other. So close, in fact, that if Frank moved at all Gerard would probably fall off his chair, and judging by the horrible morals and homophobia of the majority of the shitty student body, they might just be pushed.

"Way! Iero!" the teacher called.

"What's wrong sir?"

"I think Way needs some space." Everyone, including Josh, knew the teacher had tried his best to separate the boys for the past four years, to hardly any avail.

"I was just showing him how to answer this question." Frank put his arm around Gerard, earning a collective groan from the class. Josh and Tyler found seats just behind them, and Josh kicked the back of Frank's leg.

"What the- ow!" Frank turned in his seat to face Josh, scowling. Josh raised an eyebrow. 

"Don't say a word to Pete, Joshua Dun. I will _defenestrate_ you."

Josh put his hands up in surrender, grinning. "I won't, Frankie," he said, feeling suddenly at ease at the familiar antics he was so used to. "I promise."

Frank turned back around eventually, still muttering under his breath. Josh sat through the class in a blissful haze, Tyler smiling by his side. 

\-------------

It was almost 5 o'clock by the time Josh and Tyler escaped the school gym into the chill evening air, Tyler still flushed and sweating from the game. People came up to him, slapping him on the back and telling him what a great game he'd had, and Josh watched absentmindedly as Tyler returned the messages, pulling Josh's hoodie on as he did. And Josh, of course, didn't mind at all.

Ashley walked past them then, calling out a good-bye to Josh. Josh returned it, noticing Tyler didn't even look up to address her.

Josh had watched from the bleachers with Gerard during the game, who's brother was on the team. He'd been fully engrossed until Ashley had spotted Josh across the gym,then made her way over to sit beside him. Josh eventually gave in to her questions and talked with her for a while during half time, and he'd come to the conclusion that she was actually pretty cool. Even so, he knew he wasn't imagining the weird looks Tyler was shooting her as the game progressed. Josh couldn't help but feel warm when he saw. He liked Ashley, but if she thought she had the upper hand on Tyler, then he felt bad for leading her on.

Now, Josh and Tyler walked side by side back to Josh's house, Josh watching as his best friend tilted his face up to the sky, letting the breeze wash over him.

"Why do you do that thing when you're playing?" Josh asked suddenly, turning to Tyler in the fading light. "You know, like nibble at your shirt."

"What?" Tyler raised an eyebrow, confused.

"Here, I'll show you." Josh got his phone out of his pocket, ignoring the group chat notifications and opening his camera roll.

Tyler looked closer, smiling a little. "I... I never realised I did that."

Josh looked up at him, his eyes crinkling at the sides. "Really? it's so-" He cut himself off abruptly, looking back down at his phone. _Fuck._

"It's so what?" Tyler questioned, his eyes warm and dark.

"Cute." Josh said simply. "I was gonna say cute."

Josh watched Tyler's cheeks colour. "You think I'm cute?" Tyler asked.

Josh shrugged as casually as he could. "Well, I mean, sure. Is that weird?"

"No." Tyler said. "I don't think it's weird at all."

There were times Josh wanted to kiss Tyler mid-sentence. Undo the not-doing with one gesture.

And now was definitely one of those times.

But he was still so  _scared._ He was scared that Tyler wasn't interested. But more than that, he was scared that Tyler would stop being friends with him. Because from what Josh had been through already, apparently him being gay was the biggest news in the entirety of the fucking U.S.A.

It was just so senseless. He shouldn't have to explain himself. What was the big deal? People were just people. Why did everyone care if he simply preferred boys over girls?

It just sucked that straight seemed to be the default human being. Josh thought there shouldn't even be a default.

Neither of them said anything more about it as they walked in the growing darkness. Josh was glad.

\----------------

That night, Tyler left earlier than usual.

When Josh woke up at 3am, he whipped around to try and find Tyler, whispering his name into the darkness. And when he realised he wasn't there, it dawned on Josh just how much he'd gotten used to Tyler being with him all the time. He swallowed and laid back down, coming to terms with just how dependant he'd become on the boy.

On doe eyes. On fluffy hair. On caramel skin. On crooked teeth.

On a warm body next to him when he woke up at 3am.

_He's stolen my air catcher..._

Joshua William Dun was a very confused boy. 


	25. Tyler

_Haven't you taken enough from me?  
_

_Won't you torture someone else's sleep?_

_Won't you go to someone else's dreams?_

_Won't you go to someone else's head?_

It was another bitter 3am, and Tyler Joseph was sitting in darkness on the Dun family's front doorstep. He'd woken up about half an hour earlier, and couldn't stand just lying there in a moonlit void while everything carried on around him. So here he was, scuffing his shoe in a circle on the pavement. Blurryface was sitting beside him. But for once, Blurryface wasn't speaking. Just staring. It made a nice change, but Tyler was still wary. He was.

Tyler broke from his revere eventually, shoving his hands between his thighs to keep warm. He looked up at the stars and the sky and he sighed. _If there really are infinite universes,_ he thought, _there are an infinite number of Tyler Josephs, saying the exact same thing that I'm saying, thinking the exact same thing that I'm thinking. And if that's true, there's no reason for anyone to feel special._

If only his father had allowed him to feel special. If only he allowed himself to feel special.

The walls were closing in again. Tyler could feel it as he sat huddled in the thick of the shadows. He could feel blood rushing in his ears. The night felt like whispers in the dark. Like silver clouds with grey linings. No one else was awake in the small, harmless suburbia, and everything was thrown into a dense, suffocating silence. He could hardly think. He could hardly breathe. 

 _11 hours ago you were playing basketball with Josh watching,_ Tyler told himself. _It's fine. Everything's fine. Think about that instead._

He had to be normal, he knew that more than anything. If he fucked up bad enough, and it was back to a panicked therapist and worried Josh and God knows he didn't want that.

Blurryface snorted. His eyes were red and starving.

Nobody heard Tyler sneak back up the stairs and grab his bag. Not even Josh.

\-------------

_[3:46 PM]_

Tyler's phone buzzed in his back pocket, and he almost stumbled in surprise. He fished it out with trembling hands in an otherwise silent waiting room, glad there was nobody present. Josh's name flashed on his screen, and Tyler took a deep breath before answering. "Hel-"

"You weren't at school today." Josh said flatly.

"Josh?" Tyler whispered.

"Yeah. S'me."

"Yeah. Sorry." Tyler sighed, staring down at his shoes.

"So. Where were you?" Josh sounded hurt. Well, he sounded like he was trying to hide it.

"I just... I didn't feel like going today, okay?" Tyler never told anyone, but he thought it was really fucked that people could say they puked or they had a sore throat and stay home from school, but you couldn't say _I'm too sad to go to school_ or _I feel like shit and school isn't the best place for me right now._

Tyler glanced at the top of his phone. It was almost 4 o'clock. " I have to go. I'm sorry."

"You'll come tomorrow, right?" Josh said, his voice laced with disappointment.

"Josh..." Tyler sighed. "I don't know. I just-"

"Tyler. What the fuck. Not again. What the hell is happening? Yesterday you were so happy, and I thought we had something, you know? And it was just so fucking _good_ with you there those nights, and now you won't even tell me what's wrong. Fucking typical."

"Josh-"

But he'd already hung up.

Tyler stared down at his phone, his heart slamming hard against his chest. He shoved his phone back in pocket, hands absentmindedly kneading together as he sat. Tyler, at that moment, wasn't feeling very good at all. He almost felt like he was going to cry. But he didn't.

Boys weren't supposed to cry, right?

Tyler shook his head as if to clear it, closing his exhausted eyes and wishing he could do the same to his mind. He was seeing Dr. Heaton again today. His mom had texted him the appointment details the previous day, and Tyler was kind of past the point of giving a shit. He was only here to make other people feel at ease. He was in one of his moods again.

He just felt kind of flat.

At 4 o'clock, Tyler shuffled into the doctor's office and sat down in the hard chair under the ceiling fan.

"How do you feel today, Tyler?" Dr Heaton asked immediately as he sat down, notebook in hand. 

Tyler sighed. "I'm tired of people always asking me how I feel," he replied, not bothered to filter his answers. Isn't that what this was all about?

Dr Heaton raised his eyebrows. He took in Tyler's shadowed face, his slumped figure in the small chair. Tyler knew how terrible he looked, and was restless under the scrutiny.

"Are you getting a decent night's sleep, Tyler?" The doctor asked quietly.

Tyler shrugged disinterestedly, picking at his nail.

"Anything in particular keeping you from doing so?" The doctor leant forward.

"Nightmares," Tyler said bluntly.

The doctor frowned worriedly. "Are they a regular occurrence?"

Tyler shrugged again. "More than I'd like."

The doctor nodded slowly, leaning back, as if debating over what to say next.

"Tyler, I wanted to talk to you about the antidepressants. I've been thinking about it, and I've been talking to your mom about it too. You know that it'll be a new kind of drug-" The doctor began.

"What?" Tyler said, sitting up properly, his eyes frantic. "What kind of drug?" he asked cautiously.

"Lorazepam," The doctor paused. "Ativan."

Tyler frowned. "That treats anxiety, doesn't it?" _Am I really that anxious?_

"Yes, But it also treats insomnia," The doctor said. "Frankly, Tyler, you're starting to look like a skeleton. When was the last time you had a good night's sleep?"

"I'm fine." Tyler insisted, bluntly avoiding the question. The last thing he wanted was more fucking meds.

"Tyler, this is honestly what I think is best for you," The doctor said gently. He pulled out another piece of paper and jotted something down on it. "I'm going to talk to your parents again, and once I have their full approval, we're going to start you on Ativan. Okay?"

"Whatever," Tyler said. He felt stupid for being here. Stupid for needing this.

"I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't see good reason to," Dr Heaton said slowly, closing his notebook. "I just want to see you participating in a positive way, Tyler."

"Participating?" Tyler frowned. "In what?"

The doctor sighed. "In life, Tyler. I want you to start participating in life."

Tyler didn't answer for a while, trying to take in what was being said to him. Eventually he spoke, his voice quiet and tentative. "Can I go now please?"

The doctor glanced at his watch, his forehead creased. "I mean, I guess so. But we do still have ten minutes left."

Tyler was already standing up. "Cool." he replied.

A minute later, Tyler was back on the street. There were a lot of people out, too many people out, and they were just so loud, so _surrounding_ , and Tyler reached for the band on his wrist and put his head down and walked into the crowd, his mind utterly inscrutable.

_Normal kids didn't have six files worth of notes on them. Normal kids didn't spend their childhood seeing therapists. Normal kids didn't have fathers like his._

He called Josh at one point, but it went straight to voicemail. Tyler sighed, squeezing his eyes shut. Like everyone, he considered his inner world to be a scary, convoluted, inscrutable place. It was one thing to show people his best, cleaner version. It was quite another to make them aware of his deeper, jagged self. And he felt like the more he showed it to Josh, the more Josh was sure to pull away, spend his nights with someone else. Someone more normal.

Like Ashley.

Tyler blocked the thought out, tried to fill himself with petty reassurances that did nothing. He hated himself for not going to school and he hated himself for being enough trouble to need new medication and he hated himself for making his mood plummet back to Blurryface's level.

And there Blurryface was, walking beside Tyler, their paces perfectly in step. Blurryface's red eyes blinked at Tyler expectantly.

_No Josh tonight? What a shame. The boy's growing on me._

"Fuck off," Tyler murmured.

_He seemed quite mad on the phone though, I noticed. I mean, who wouldn't be if their friend was a pathetic excuse for a human being?_

Tyler didn't answer. Instead, he pulled out his phone and checked his notifications. He had a text from Brendon waiting.

 **Brendon:** _hey Ty, you coming over for a good time tonight?? Frank and Gerard are being gay and Pete said we need you. Josh is coming too ;)_

Tyler struggled with a reply.

 **Me:** _sorry, can't tonight. can you tell Josh I'm sorry about before?_

 **Brendon:**   _oooh,_   _what happened before??_

 **me:** _Just tell him, bren_

 **Brendon:**   _okayyy_

Tyler spent most of that evening walking the streets of Columbus, but not really seeing anything. He was pretty sure he almost passed out multiple times. His anxiety had kept him up for over 50 hours, he'd realised, but what could he do? This was him, this was his life, and he couldn't change it no matter how many times he tried to shake the feeling from his bones.

He squeezed his eyes shut again, the only sounds around him fading car engines and the wind. It was just the same as all the other nights he'd been out in. The same wasted mind wandering in a rain-washed darkness. The stars crossed above him, and Tyler wished he could have hung himself on them. His nails dug into his wrists, standing under the smudgy illumination of a lamppost. his face tilted up to the heavens.

"Save me!" Tyler screamed. His voice was raw and scratchy, like the end of a record on a turntable. Losing the feeling of feeling unique.

Losing the feeling of anything.

_Am I screaming to an empty sky?_


	26. Josh

It was a dull Tuesday night, and Josh was sitting curled up on Brendon's worn couch, a capri sun in one hand and his phone in the other. He, Patrick, and Pete and were finishing an episode of the X-Files while Frank and Gerard cuddled on the other couch and Brendon and Ryan cleaned up in the kitchen. They weren't really cleaning, though; just giggling and blasting Fever by Adam Lambert. Josh sighed, stretching his socked feet out onto the Urie's cheeto-bag covered coffee table. It was almost twelve on a school night and as uncomfortable as Josh felt watching two of his closest friends sit on each other, he didn't want to go home. 

Because Tyler wasn't there.

Just then, Brendon poked his head around the kitchen door, his phone in his hand. "Oh Joshie, I forgot to tell you. Tyler texted me before, and he was all like 'can you tell Josh I'm sorry about before?' So I don't know what happened before, but Tyler's sorry."

Josh shrugged, looking down. He didn't want to talk about this right now, with everyone there. The only person he wanted to talk about it with was Tyler. And right now, not even him.

"Want me to respond?"

"No." Josh studied his lap, wishing Brendon would just drop it.

But then Pete joined in, nudging him jokingly. "Why are you sad suddenly, Josh? What happened, hmm? Let me guess, Tyler didn't want to have the sexy times?"

That's when something broke inside of Josh. None of them could possibly understand what was going on. His head shot up, a scowl on his face. "Oh, fuck off Pete. I've told you guys again and again we're just friends, okay?" 

Nobody said anything. The song ended. The room was deathly silent.

"Hey, Josh... I'm sorry. I didn't know it annoyed you so much." Pete's voice was unusually quiet. The room felt on edge.

"Yeah, well, it does." Josh stood up, unable to stand another second feeling so isolated. Usually he loved hanging out with his friends.

Usually Tyler was there.

"I've got to go. I'll see you guys tomorrow." Before anyone had the chance to process anything, Josh had shrugged on his jacket, already out the door, his friends left blinking confusedly in his wake.

Josh's head felt like it was about to explode as he walked down the dark pavement. He didn't know why he'd gotten so angry with Pete. Usually, he'd just blush and look away when he was teased about Tyler. But Josh was in a bad mood. He'd ignored all of Tyler's texts and calls since their earlier conversation, and he was still so _mad_. But more than that, he was confused. 

It was like whenever Tyler and Josh were together, everything was fine. Tyler was happy and giggling and they played Mario Kart and went to Taco Bell and it was just so _good._

And then when Tyler was alone, it went downhill. But Tyler _wasn't_ alone. Josh guessed he just felt that way when he went into one of his moods. Unmotivated. Empty. Reckless. And he'd go away again. 

It was so hard to help Tyler when Tyler refused to help himself. 

Josh ran a hand through his hair, turning off Brendon's street. He was lucky that they all lived in close proximity to each other. It wouldn't take him long to get home. He'd spent most of the day hanging out with Brendon, Ryan, and Jenna at school, none of the others giving a second thought to Tyler's absence. Josh shoved his hands in his pockets angrily. It was like Tyler never thought anything through. _So goddamned impulsive._ You had watch him like a fucking three year old. 

It wasn't fair. It was stupid.

Josh opened his eyes then, and he almost laughed. He sounded so insanely pathetic it wasn't funny. Was he four years old? All he did was sulk and say things were stupid.

 _I'm stupid,_ he thought.

When Josh got home, the only person still awake was his sister Abigail. She was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee and her laptop, studying into the early hours.

"Josh? What's up? Where've you been?" Abby asked, stretching.

"Brendon's." Josh shut the front door as quietly as he could, then went into the kitchen to make a coffee himself.

"Oh. I thought you were with your other friend... what's his name? The cute one who's been here this week?"

"Tyler," Josh said simply, stirring the instant coffee mix. He wasn't in the mood for anyone right then. His body ached for his bed, for warmth and sleep and release. He doubted he'd get it at this rate.

"Yeah. Tyler. You guys are always together." Abby grinned, leaning forward. "I mean, after what mom said..."

'That's not true." Josh snapped, throwing his spoon into the sink with a little too much force.

"You sure? You and Tyler really aren't a thing?"

"No. We're not, okay? God, I'm sick of this." Josh shook his head. The truth was, he wanted him and Tyler to be 'a thing.' It was what kept him up at night, and the only thing on his mind as he drifted through school each day. Here was the person he was falling in love with, but how did he get from this unreal place to a real, romantic relationship with a guy like Tyler? Josh had never wanted anything more in his life.

But who was he kidding? Tyler was hardly ever around enough to talk to, let alone _date_.

"I'm going to bed." Josh said, warming has hands with his coffee. Abigail just nodded, turning back to her laptop and sipping on her own coffee.

Josh hardly slept at all that night. He sat awake in bed and drank more coffee and did some homework.

And then he cried.

\--------------

The next day at lunch, Josh sat with Jenna and Ashley at the spare table beside their usual one. The cafeteria felt more packed than usual, everyone shouting and laughing as they found their seats, but the words did nothing to fill Josh.

Their seats were filled. Again.

Tyler wasn't there. Again.

Josh pushed at his salad with a plastic fork and sighed, hating how dependant his mood had become on Tyler. He wished that he could let it go, just this once. But he couldn't.

Jenna, however was hardly worried at all. She nudged Josh, breaking off a piece of Kit-Kat and passing it to him as she chewed.  "Josh, stop fretting about Tyler. He does this sometimes, you know that. It's just his thing. He comes and goes as he wants, but he'll be back. He always comes back."

 _That's just his thing. It's what he does._  

Josh wanted to yell at her and Brendon and Pete and the others doesn't anyone care _why_ Tyler comes and goes? Hasn't anyone stopped to think that something might be wrong with this?

But he didn't.

"Do you have any idea when he'll be back? Has he spoken to you?" Josh asked, closing his shadowed eyes for a moment. He felt like a mess, but he couldn't bring himself to care at all.

"Not yet. Josh, I get that you're worried and all, but he's _fine_."

That was the thing. Josh wasn't worried anymore. He was angry. Angry at Tyler for leaving with no word, and angry at himself for being so easy to leave behind all the time, for not being enough to make Tyler want to stick around. 

Josh was so lost in himself that he hardly realised when he stood up with his tray, scraped his Caprese salad into the bin, and walked off to the music room.

\-----------

The minute the bell sounded for the end of school, Josh was out of the double front doors and walking. He'd made up his mind on what to do while he was drumming, and there was no way he was talking himself out of it now.

He was going to walk to Tyler's house and, assuming he was fucking there, he was dragging Tyler outside to have a great big talk.

Josh was burning to say all the things he hadn't yet. He wanted to scream at Tyler, ask him what the fuck was their relationship, what were they doing, why did Josh care about Tyler more than anyone, why had he gotten his way into Josh's head when Josh couldn't have him right now, when he probably couldn't have him ever because Tyler was a sixteen year old torn to shreds? Was this all because Josh wanted to fix something and holy mother of God, he wanted to help?

Josh spotted Tyler almost the second he turned down the Joseph's street.

 And it would have been a relief, if Tyler wasn't sitting in the middle of the fucking road.

"Tyler!" Josh yelled from the corner, his jacket flapping loosely in the breeze. He felt the panic starting to rise inside of him, knowing exactly what kind of mood Tyler was in.

Tyler looked up as Josh ran in his direction. "Oh. Hi Josh." he said casually.

"Wh- Ty, you're going to get yourself killed!" Josh was breathing heavily, resting his hands on his knees. 

Tyler didn't move. Instead, he laid right down, letting his arms spread out horizontally across the tarmac.

"I suppose you're right," Tyler said, closing his eyes

They were both silent for a moment. Josh pursed his lips, sighing through his nose. How the hell was he supposed to deal with this?

"Tyler." Josh said quietly, crouching down to his level. Tyler opened one of his eyes, smiling slightly. He slapped the road beside him.

"Lay down." Tyler said.

Josh didn't respond, just chewed his lip and watched as Tyler closed his eyes again. He seemed perfectly calm.

Dangerously calm.

"Tyler, get up. Please."

"Infinity is fucking incomprehensible, isn't it Josh?"

Josh could feel a sort of wind brewing, and it took him a mere moment to realise it was a car approaching. He could see the headlights in the distance, and the panic rose further, making itself clear when he spoke.

"Tyler, please. We need to move." Josh nudged him slightly, but Tyler lay there still, as if he hadn't heard a word Josh had said.

Josh nudged Tyler a little more urgently. The car wasn't slowing down.

"Tyler, come on." Josh repeated. But Tyler wouldn't move. Josh looked at him helplessly, his heart pounding at an alarming rate. He knew Tyler could hear him, because his smile only widened.

Josh didn't have time to say anything more. The car was moments away from hitting them both, and it still wasn't slowing.

Josh could've gotten out of the way easily then. 

But none of the scenarios that were playing out in his mind included him leaving Tyler.

With only a second to spare, he clutched Tyler's shoulders, a weird laugh erupting from him as Josh pulled the crazed boy only _just_ out of the way of the oncoming car.

Josh clenched his eyes shut. The car sped by. It's horn echoed throughout the neighborhood, but it continued on its way. 

Josh opened his eyes, realising he was curled up in a ball and still holding tightly onto Tyler's chest. He breathed out, realising he'd been holding his breath the entire time. Tyler stared at him with wide, doe eyes. It was only then that Tyler seemed to realise what exactly he'd done, and his face immediately crumpled.

"What the fuck was that, Tyler? You could have gotten us both killed!" Josh sat up on the roadside, taking big gulping breaths. The last thing he wanted was to have a panic attack right now.

"I wasn't... I didn't think you'd try to get both of us out of the way." Tyler's voice was quiet, remorseful. Josh was just glad he was feeling something.

"Tyler, if I didn't you'd be _dead_." Josh said, trying to calm his nerves. The adrenaline was still coursing through his veins.

'But you could have just gotten out of the way. Simple." Tyler persisted, his eyes filling with tears.

"And what? Leave you in the way of an oncoming car?" Josh shook his head, bewildered.

"Everybody else would!" Tyler yelled. Josh stopped. Tyler sat on the curb with his knees pulled up to his chest, and Josh knelt down beside him. 

"Are you alright?" Josh asked, concerned. Tyler bit the inside of his cheek, shaking his head.

"Why'd you do that, huh?" Josh said softly. Tyler shook his head again, letting himself fall against Josh, his body shaking hard. Josh put his arm around the boy and they sat together on the curb, watching night fall as Josh rubbed his arm up and down Tyler's back. The 'talk' had left his mind completely. 

"I wanted to see of you would stay." Tyler said finally. His cheeks were stained with tears. 

Josh pulled him near, and Tyler rested his head on Josh's shoulder. "You know I would, Ty. You're worth more than that. You're worth everything."

Tyler sighed. "I don't think so."

They sat quietly for a while longer, a few more cars speeding past, the headlights blurring together in the fading light. Tyler was cuddled into Josh's side as he played with his jacket, and finally he took a deep breath and looked up, his voice quiet. "I'm sorry I'm always so sad," he said.

Josh shook his head firmly, pulling the boy impossibly closer. He decided he'd let himself have this. "Don't be."

"It sucks, Josh, because I try so fucking hard, and nothing I do seems to be enough for anyone, not even myself. It just feels like I'm a burden, and that eventually everyone will just get so tired of me and I know I won't be able to blame them."

It hurt Josh to see Tyler like this, to see everything spilling out in a tidal wave of despair. Josh didn't know how to make Tyler feel every ounce of space he was taking up in the world. To endure.

“I don’t know how to make it clear to you how much you mean to me," Josh said quietly.

“Why do you stick around?” Tyler murmured, his eyes imploring on Josh. “Why do you put up with me crying and being annoying and ruining everything?”

_ I love you. I love you. I love you. _

“Its me and you against the world, right?” Josh picked up Tyler's hand, linking their fingers together one by one. He didn't need to say anything else. Tyler knew. 

And at that moment, Josh made a decision. He, Joshua William Dun, would do anything and everything in his power to help his best friend get better. 

To keep Tyler awake.

"Tyler," Josh said softly.

"Hmm?" Tyler ran his thumb over Josh's palm absentmindedly, making Josh's heart leap. Just a little bit, but enough for him to notice it.

"You must always stay this way, do you hear?"

"What way?"

Josh lifted Tyler's chin gently, looking him in the eye.

"Alive." 


	27. Tyler

_You can do this, Tyler._

Tyler gripped the edge of the sink until his knuckles were white, staring blankly at his reflection in the mirror. He heard students run to their classes outside, laughing and yelling. A normal Wednesday morning. Tyler flexed his knuckles on the freezing metal, his hands pressing so hard that marks were starting to form in his palms. There was a kind of aching in his stomach, and Tyler was certain he was going to be sick all over the floor if he didn't sort himself out in the next minute.

He'd had started Ativan the previous night, and he fucking hated it.

Tyler rubbed his eyes. The walls were so intensely white in the bathroom. Who's idea was brightly painted bathrooms? _White is such a lonely colour,_ Tyler thought. It was simply a reflection of nothingness. The sheets of the hospital bed, the pills that put you to sleep instead of the blue ones that they promise will make you happy again.

Tyler gripped the sink harder, blinking back at his darkly circled eyes and ghostly skin. Josh had managed to persuade Tyler to come to school the night before. And the way Josh looked at Tyler... all Tyler could do was nod and cuddle him tighter.

God, he loved being close to Josh.

Josh was in graphics now. Tyler didn't have graphics. Tyler had chemistry. He felt his chest heave, and he haphazardly rushed back to the stall and bent over the toilet. His breathing sped up, erratic and panicky, and he retched. Again and again and again. Nothing came. He sat back against the door on the dirty tiles, his focus blurring into nothing. He leaned his head back against the stall and closed his eyes. He was sick. He was so, so sick, and he knew it.

He'd felt himself going under the whole week. Hell, he didn't even realise he was sitting in the middle of the road the previous day until Josh arrived. He hated being like this. He hated it. Even so, Tyler didn't stop himself as he got the small bottle out of his back pocket and chucked three pills in his mouth. He swallowed them dry.

The air around Tyler was running out. It was like he'd already taken in so much of the place there was nothing to keep him feeling alive. He couldn't breathe. There was nothing for him here but goddamn white walls. Everything was constant. Everything was fucking the same.

A bell rang. Tyler shoved his knuckles into his eyes, rubbing them vigorously. He needed to go. He had to get up.

But he didn't.

Tyler was fucking exhausted. He couldn't stand up, and even if he could have, he didn't know how to force himself to go to his next class, and then the next, and then the next. Routines, cycles. A wheel of self-abuse. It was like all sensation, everything, had been leaked from him. His skin was suddenly too tight for his body.

"Please!" he shrieked suddenly to no one. The sound was harsh and guttural, like it was being torn from his throat. The word echoed around the bathroom, bouncing from stall to stall, and Tyler could feel it sink through him, coating his bones, making them vibrate _pleasepleaseplease_.

"Where are you?!" he screamed again. "I need you! I fucking need you! Please!"

His hands were on his head now. He was pulling at his hair, clawing his skin. His nails were digging into the soft skin of his cheeks, and he thought that the pain was the most real thing he'd ever felt. He clawed desperately at his face, his neck, his arms, watching as everything he'd been keeping inside spilled over the tiled bathroom floor, seeped under the stall doors, out into the faraway hallway. It hurt, all of it fucking hurt so much, and he was sobbing but he was laughing because wasn't this just the best thing ever?

Tyler stopped as suddenly as he'd started. He leant back, exhausted, his knees tucked into his chest. Why the fuck wasn't he happy? Why wasn't he over the goddamn moon right now? Tyler crawled shakily over to the toilet and shoved two fingers down his throated. He revulsed. He gagged. Tears sprang to his eyes. Nothing came up. The pills were inside him and he was sick and he was dirty and he was never going to be loved.

Tyler closed his eyes. He counted to ten. He thought of Josh.

Josh...

_The walls were closing in again. Tyler stumbled out the door of his classroom before taking off down the hallway, his teacher's voice fading away within seconds. Tears streamed down his face and flew back on his cheeks, his vision blurring as his shoulders shook in silent sobs. He couldn't breathe, couldn't breathe, couldn't breathe. . ._

_And then someone grabbed him, slowing Tyler to a stop as the two of them reached an unfamiliar corridor. Tyler hadn't even heard anyone come up behind him, but he was too tired to fight it. The person guided Tyler to lean against a wall, their voice soothing. "Sit." they instructed._

_Tyler sat. Pinpricks radiated through his hands and feet, and his head was buzzing. The person asked a question, but Tyler couldn't concentrate on the words. The next thing he knew, the person was squatting next to him and giving him instructions._

_"Relax. Deep breaths."_

_Tyler leaned against the wall and dragged in a slow, shaking breath._

_"Good, good. Breathe out, now. Slowly."_

_Tyler breathed out his mouth. Slowly. Cautiously. The shaking lessened. He took another deep breath. His cheeks felt sticky from the tears, his eyes dry and lashes wet._

_"Are you okay?" The person asked._  
  
_Tyler nodded. Slowly, the buzzing stopped. The world went back to normal, and right in the center of it all blinked a boy's big brown eyes._

_"I'm Josh," the boy said quietly. "You probably already knew that - I've seen you at lunch sometimes. You're... Tyler?"_

_Tyler nodded slowly, sneaking a tearful glance at Josh. His face was gentle, eyes soft and focused on Tyler. He moved from a squatting to a sitting position directly in front of Tyler, crossing his legs and leaning forward. "Can you breathe alright?" he asked._

_Tyler finally found his voice. "Yeah, yeah. I'm fine." They shared a comfortable silence, Tyler watching a piece of paper shift and breathe on the floor in front of him._

_The bell rang. Classes came and went. Josh stared at him the entire time, but he didn't say anything. Tyler was thankful for that._

_Finally, Josh shifted. "You want to share what brought all this on?"_

_"The walls," Tyler answered without thinking._ Stupid _, he thought to himself.  Josh waited for him to embellish on the subject patiently._

_Tyler rubbed his hands nervously, refusing to look at Josh as he added, "They - They shake and move, the room gets smaller and smaller."_

_Thinking about it made him panic. He pulled his knees up to his chest, his breathing becoming troubled again._

_"No, Tyler, I'm sorry, please breathe. Calm, slow breaths. I'm sorry, you don't have to talk about it if you don't want."_

_Tyler fell silent after that. He didn't want to talk about it. He was glad he didn't feel like he had to. Instead, he met Josh's eyes, studying the boy in front of him vigorously._ _Confused as he was as to why this boy seemed to care so much about how he was doing, Tyler didn't ask him why._ _He sat with the brown eyed boy quietly, the two of them side by side outside the English classroom, and that was that day that Tyler Joseph was first affected by Joshua Dun's existence._

Tyler smiled then, relishing in the distraction the memory bought. After Tyler's breakdown that day in sophomore year, Josh had stayed close for the remaining classes and then insisted on walking Tyler home when school ended, cracking jokes and making Tyler smile the whole time. And after that... well, he hadn't left Tyler's side since.

 But that wasn't reality just then. Reality was Tyler on the floor of his high school bathroom, about to pass out from the worst panic attack of his life.

Blurryface leered over him, alert and ravenous and watchful.

_Oh, hello Tyler. Fancy seeing you here retching on the floor of your bathroom. I was just thinking about that time your dad hit you, actually. Do you remember that time he slapped you on christmas? Back last year? I do. You cried like a little bitch._

Tyler swallowed. "Yeah. I remember. That was the first time I had to deal with you. You were so tiring, even then. I'm getting sick of you."

_Ooh, getting feisty? Must be the new drugs, hmm? I remember the first time you had pills, too. Remember when you overdosed? And you vomited? A bit like this, actually. You're too scared to tell little Josh any of this, aren't you? He's just a distraction from the hell your life has turned into._

"You have no idea what you're talking about."

_You know I'm right. I'm you, after all._

Tyler shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut. "You are not. You're a fucking inconvenience. And you won't leave me alone."

_You're a disaster, Tyler. You can't deny it. I mean, look at you._

Tyler refused to answer. Blurryface laughed.

It sounded exactly like Tyler.

_Take my advice, go dig yourself a nice little hole. That's your finale. That's your future. Bury yourself. Die in it. It would make little difference. I mean, come on. Who would miss you?_


	28. Josh

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the long update ugH  
> also thanks to everyone who's been leaving nice comments?? I'm so?? It means a lot to me thanks everyone omg  
> ENJOY THIS CHAPTER

**Brendon:** _Josh_

 **Brendon:** _Josh you have to come quick_

Josh felt the smile slip from his face as he pushed back from the table in graphics, staring confusedly down at his phone. 

 **me:** _what's going on?_

 **Brendon:** _it's Tyler_

Josh's stomach dropped as he shakily typed a reply, glancing up to make sure no one was watching him.

 **me:** _what's happened? Where is he?_

 **Brendon:** _he's at the nurses office_

 **Brendon:** _me and Ryan are with him now_

 **me:** _oh god_

 **me:** _is he okay?_

 **Brendon:** _not really_

Josh stared at his phone until his vision blurred, his heart pulsing hard. He felt sick.

 **me:** _please tell me what's going on_

 **Brendon:** _me and Ryan found him about ten minutes ago, almost unconscious on the bathroom floor. You know how he had those panic attacks last year? It's his worst one yet. He won't calm down, he just keeps shaking his head and mumbling for you_

 **Brendon:** _the nurse doesn't think he's been sleeping or eating_

 **Brendon:** _he's really ill, Josh_

 **Josh:** _I'm coming right now_

Josh practically sprinted out of graphics, his folder still in his hands, down the empty hallway to the nurse's office. He rubbed at his face, almost feeling like he was going to cry. Not now. Not after everything.

The nurse's office door was firmly closed. Josh didn't bother knocking. As soon as he walked in he was greeted with a sombre looking Brendon, Ryan, and the nurse. Josh blinked. Brendon was explaining in muted tones what he had seen, and the nurse was nodding, her forehead creased.

"Where is he?" Josh interrupted their conversation, breathing hard.

The nurse frowned, glancing at Josh. "I don't think-"

This time Brendon interrupted. "Just go through the side door to the sick bay. He's on the bed. Well, he should be."

Josh nodded gratefully, wringing his hands together. The room smelt like antiseptic and worry. The lights were bright and they gleamed unnervingly off the lino floor as Josh walked through and opened the sick bay door.

Tyler looked up when Josh walked in, and Josh stood silently in the doorway, taking him in. He was sitting calmly on the bed, his legs crossed and his hands in his lap. His eyes were wide and vacant, ringed with circles so dark they looked like bruises, and his cheeks and arms had angry red scratches carved into them. His shirt was wet. 

Josh dropped everything he was holding immediately, closing the door behind him before rushing over to the bed. "Hey," Josh said softly, pulling Tyler close.

"I'm sorry, Josh. I'm sorry, I'm so _fucking_ sorry." Tyler shook his head and Josh wrapped his arms around him, Tyler inundating his mind like a drug. Josh smoothed his hands over his best friend's shaking shoulders, letting Tyler smother himself on Josh completely.

"Shh. There's absolutely nothing to be sorry for, okay?" Josh pulled Tyler gently, cautiously into his lap and Tyler pressed his face against Josh's shirt, his voice becoming muffled in the fabric.

"It's the drugs, Josh. They're fucking with me. I wanted to get better, I wanted to go to chemistry. I really wanted to. I wanted to do it for you, Josh. Fuck. I couldn't even do it. I'm so sorry."

"No. Tyler, listen. You haven't done anything wrong." Josh leant forward and pressed a kiss to Tyler's forehead, and he didn't give it a single thought.

Tyler sighed, and Josh hated how defeated, how broken he sounded. "I'm sorry I couldn't be better, Josh. You deserve so much more. I'm a shitty friend."

Josh pressed his forehead against Tyler's, shaking his head. "You're anything but that, Tyler. You're the best friend I've ever had. And I-" _love you. I love you so fucking much, Tyler Joseph._ "I hope you know that you're worth a lot, Ty."

Tyler pulled back, sitting up on the bed. He grabbed for Josh's hand like it calmed him, twirling their fingers together. "You won't leave?"

"Not for anything."

The two of them sat together on the pristine bed, Josh rubbing his thumb over Tyler's palm and slowly calming him down. Josh was helpless to do anything but gaze at the boy next to him, running his eyes over Tyler's jawline, his big chocolate eyes, his fluffed hair, their entwined hands in his lap. Josh sighed, and cleared his throat.

"Are you feeling any better, Ty? Brendon said... Brendon said it was your worse one yet." Josh paused, trying to catch Tyler's eye, but Tyler was refusing to look. "I'm sorry I wasn't there with you," Josh added softly.

Tyler still didn't reply, just kept his eyes fixed on the bed. So Josh decided to try another tactic.

"You want to share what bought all this on?" he asked quietly.

Josh hoped it would strike a chord with Tyler. He hoped Tyler would remember as well as Josh did. And evidently Tyler did remember, as Josh watched a warm smile spread over Tyler's face, his eyes closing for a moment.

"Josh." Tyler whispered, his hand clutching hard at Josh's.

"Yeah?"

Tyler paused before speaking, a pink hue tinging his cheeks. "You're... you're my constant, Josh. Sometimes I hate you for it. Because you're so much stronger than me, so much better as a person. But I really fucking need you. I don't really know how I survived before sophomore year, before that time we talked. And yeah, maybe today was the worst I've had for a long time. And maybe when things like this happen, I doubt I'll ever really get better. But then you come in, and its like you're the only distraction, the only drug that works. You salvage me every time."

There was a silence then, as Josh did his best to fathom what, exactly, had just happened. Tyler was good at this; disarming Josh, rendering him defenceless. Josh looked at the fragmented boy on the bed, and he realised he'd never admired someone so much as he did Tyler. God, he'd never felt so much for anyone in his life.

"Let's go," Tyler said suddenly, the scratch marks on his face already fading to a dull reminder.

Josh sighed. "Tyler-"

But Tyler was already standing up. "C'mon."

Josh stared at him cautiously, glancing at the door. "You can't be serious, Ty."

Tyler shrugged. "I can't stand it here, Josh. I mean, you don't have to come."

Josh shook his head in disbelief, still sitting on the sick bay bed. "Where-"

But Tyler was already out the door, and he knew Josh would follow.

 And Josh did.

Tyler walked out of the sick bay and into the nurse's small office, and from there used the back entrance into the science storage room. Josh followed him cautiously, kneading his hands together as they broke out into the mostly empty hallway. Josh jogged to catch up to Tyler, still shaking his head as Tyler stopped by his locker, removing his school bag and tugging it onto his back. Then he walked down to Josh's locker three doors down and stopped.

"Need anything?" he asked.

"Aren't we coming back later?"

Tyler shrugged. "Maybe. Maybe not." 

Josh sighed and grabbed his bag, wondering if he should try and stop Tyler, but knowing he wouldn't get very far. The two of them walked wordlessly side by side out of the school, Tyler's arms crossed across his chest, frowning into the wind. Leaves scudded over the ground and took flight into the air until they dropped again, agitated. Tyler stopped at the first rubbish bin they came to, and before Josh could say anything he fished a small bottle from his pocket and emptied the contents into the bin. 

"Tyler, you can't just... Tyler, you need those." Josh sighed exasperatingly. 

"I hate them." 

"How many have you taken?" Josh watched as Tyler just threw the whole bottle of medication away, his face set with concentration. 

"I dunno. I had some last night. Then three more in the bathroom before." Tyler carded his hand through his hair, looking at Josh nervously.

"You had... three?" Josh wasn't sure how many Tyler was supposed to take, but they were strong drugs, and three at once... "Ty, are you feeling okay?"

Tyler just shook his head, his lips pressed together.

"D'you think you're going to be sick?" Josh asked anxiously.

Tyler shook his head again. "I'm just tired. I'm so tired, Josh." He rubbed at his face rhythmically, eyes closed. 

"I know. I know you are. C'mon. Let's go back to yours. Is your dad home?" Josh asked. It was getting cold, and Josh noticed that like most of the time, Tyler was wearing just a T-shirt.

"No. No one's home. But he'll be home tonight." Tyler shrugged, and the two of them began walking. A moment later, Josh felt Tyler's fingers thread with his own. Neither of them acknowledged the fact that they were actually holding hands. They didn't have to.

It just made sense.

When they reached Tyler's place, Josh waited as Tyler went around back and got the spare key out of the potted plant. He unlocked the door and the two of them stepped into a dark house, the curtains all drawn and closed. The house didn't seem like it had a family living in it. The only sound was the ticking of a clock in the living room, everything else buried under layers of perpetual silence. 

Josh stared at Tyler expectantly, and Tyler crinkled his nose. "Are you, uh, hungry? We have... ramen noodles and stuff."

Josh shook his head. "No. Ty, you look like you're going to pass out. I just... are you sure you're feeling okay?"

Tyler shrugged. "I'm too tired to be anxious right now. I think those damn drugs are kicking in." And then Tyler was walking to his bedroom, and with a sigh, Josh followed him. 

Tyler's room was like the rest of the house. Dark, empty, curtains firmly closed. Tyler bit his lip. "Sorry about the mess," he said. Josh looked around. There were dirty clothes in his hamper and on the floor, a packet of goldfish crackers on his desk, along with a non-functioning alarm clock, a whole bunch of CD's, and his ukulele. Books on the desk chair. Framed vinyl album covers hanging askew on the wall. A box set of Degrassi. 

But his bed was made. So that's where they both sat, leaning against the wall with their legs stretched forward.

"Josh?" Tyler said softly.

"Yeah?"

"I don't want my dad to come back. Ever."

"Oh, Tyler." Josh sighed. "It's gonna be okay."

Tyler turned slightly, and swung his legs up so they laid across Josh's. "Whenever I think of him coming back, its like that scene in Fellowship of the Ring when the hobbits are hiding from the Nazgûl."

"Tyler, your dad isn't a Nazgûl."

"I know. That's just how I feel."

Josh sighed, looking at Tyler in the dim room. "Have you actually been talking to your parents?"Josh asked. 

Tyler didn't answer, just snapped at the band on his wrist.

"I think you should talk to them, Tyler. They really care about you."

"They don't." Tyler frowned down at his wrist. The marks on his arms were fading, Josh noticed. Slightly.

"They do, Tyler. And they would be so, so upset if they just _knew_."

Tyler snorted. "They always fucking knew. They knew there was something wrong. They just never _cared_."

"Tyler, you weren't very easy to understand then," Josh said quietly. "You still aren't, honestly."

"You seem to manage." Tyler finally looked up, finding Josh's eyes.

"I've known you for a long time now, Tyler." Josh said quietly. Cold, hesitant light streamed in through the now slightly open curtain, casting shadows on the walls.

"So have my parents."

"Have they? Really?"

Tyler was silent for a moment. "No." He paused. "They don't know me at all."

Josh moved his head slightly to look at Tyler. Tyler looked back, blinking for a moment. Then he grabbed the comforter and pulled it over their heads, their bodies close and warm under the blanket. Their breaths mingled, and Josh smiled softly at this remarkable boy. Tyler leant against Josh, and they sat in warm silence for a moment, listening to the wind outside and the pulse of their own beating hearts.Josh breathed deeply, almost drifting off. And then Tyler's voice, low and soft, broke the quiet revere between them.

"Why do we love stuff, Josh?"

Josh frowned, brushing his hair out of his eyes. "What, like people?"

"Anything! Why do we love anything? Is it chance or fate? Something unseeable? Can we even know if it's real?"

Josh considered for a moment, exhaling deeply. "We all wake up one morning and say I know: dolls."

"What?"

"It's. Uh. It's from this old X Files episode. Clyde Bruckman... he's a psychic, and he's wondering why this woman they're investigating was a doll collector. Like, why do any of us become obsessed with the stuff we're obsessed with? The stuff that kind of defines who we are. Is it some kind of destiny, or more like a flash of inspiration? Like, was it a series of unavoidable events, all through this woman's childhood, leading her to accumulate all these dolls? Or did she just wake up one morning and say-"

"I know! Dolls!" Tyler laughed. "Exactly! What is it? That makes us see stuff all of a sudden? When we've passed by it a hundred times, and it suddenly jumps out? All of a sudden it's not just, like, music that you're listening to, it's a feeling that you're... feeling. And next thing you know you can't stop listening to the record without all the catchy tunes on it, or out of five hundred channels, you can't stop watching that one old show. Why do we love the stuff we love? Especially when it makes no regular sense."

"Maybe love never makes sense," Josh said, feeling a blush spread on his cheeks.

Tyler breathed deeply, eyes closed. A smile graced his cheeks.

"What made you bring this up, anyway?" Josh asked.

"I dunno. Just started thinking about it," Tyler said, sighing into Josh's neck. Josh's skin tingled everywhere Tyler's breath touched. "It's so weird, isn't it?"

Tyler was almost asleep now. He seemed a tiny bit out of it, borderline delirious. But it just made him seem even more... Tyler. Josh glanced down at him and in the darkness, and he could just make out that his eyes were closed. And Josh... he sort of looked at Tyler differently then. It was like he was taking up more space in Josh's field of vision. It was at that moment when Josh knew he couldn't see past him anymore.

“You do realise you’re talking, don’t you? I mean you’re really talking.” Josh nudged him affectionately.

Tyler nudged him back. “I talk, Josh. Don’t be a shit.”

“Sometimes you talk. Other times you just, I don’t know, you just avoid.”

“I’m doing the best I can." Tyler snuggled down further, a small sigh escaping his lips.

“I know,” Josh whispered.

And then Tyler yawned. It might've been the most adorable thing Josh had ever seen. It was so stupid, Josh knew, but _that yawn._ Or maybe it was the look on Tyler's face afterward, staring straight ahead while he emitted those damned waves of _Josh hug me._

That asshole. Josh didn't need this.

Clearly too tired to be aware of what he was doing, Tyler rested his head on Josh's chest, his body rising and falling gently. Josh smiled to himself, pushing Tyler's hair off his forehead. Josh could feel himself slipping away, the comforter kicked to the end of the bed by Tyler as he unconsciously wrapped one of his legs around Josh's middle, shoving his face into the crook of Josh's neck. Josh was absolutely giddy. He didn't care if it was the drugs Tyler had taken or not. 

This was how Josh wanted to fall asleep every night.

_I love his skin against mine. I love his skin against mine. I love his skin against mine._

"Josh..." Tyler breathed, so quiet Josh could barely hear him.

"Mmmm?"

"Do you feel this?" Tyler said softly.

There was something special about that question. Humbling, innocent, assuring. It was assuring, because Josh knew he was the only one feeling it.

"I do," Josh whispered. "I feel it."

"It's so strong."

"I know." Josh breathed.

In a matter of seconds, they were both sound asleep.

Neither of them heard the front door open a few hours later, a sigh escaping into the air of the darkened house as Tyler's mom chucked her keys on the bench. They didn't hear her poke her head around Tyler's door a few minutes later, or see her eyes widen when she saw that not only was her son asleep when he was supposed to be in school, but he was in bed _with another boy_.

And they didn't hear her gasp when she realised who the blue haired, mocha eyed boy was.

"Oh no, Tyler Joseph. Oh no." 


	29. Tyler

A muffled sigh.

That was all it took to wake Tyler, the boy sitting upright with a jolt in the sullen darkness. It took him a good moment to figure out he was in his own bed, his own room. He yawned and rubbed his face, surprised that he'd actually, truly fallen asleep. He hadn't been able to sleep that well since. . . since. . . he couldn't remember how long it had been since he'd had a decent sleep. He whipped around to try and find Josh, feeling the sheets to the left and right of him, but the dark was so thick he couldn't see him, didn't know where to reach. "Josh?" he whispered into the darkness. No response, just low breaths rising and falling. "Josh?" Tyler repeated, louder this time. 

"Hmm?" Josh hummed sleepily, awake enough for a half hearted reply. Tyler could hear shifting as Josh stated, "Sorry, I fell asleep. What's up?"

"How long have we been here?"

"Hmm? Just from the time we left school earlier," Josh answered, "to about, I don't know, it's probably almost night now. Maybe six o'clock? However long that would be."

_Six o'clock?_

"Why haven't you gone home?" Tyler asked, letting out a deep sigh. Though he couldn't see Josh, he could tell he had just opened a touchy subject with the way the question hung in the air without an answer, clinging to the body of the dark.

"We... I... you weren't well, Ty. I couldn't just leave you here," Josh answered, sitting up properly on the bed.

Tyler flopped back down, arms bent over his face. "My dad's probably on his way," he mumbled. 

Tyler shivered just thinking about it. His father reminded him of the dangerous calm before storms, of nails bitten to the quick, of chapped lips, the smell of gasoline in heat, burning alcohol in the back of his throat. Heart pounding in his chest. Deadly candor. Domination. Novocaine. 

Josh paused before speaking, his eyes fixed on the comforter below. "Ty, d'you want to come-"

"No." Tyler rolled over, facing his wall. "You have to get out of here, Josh."

Josh was silent for a moment, his breaths rising and falling in the reserved darkness. Tyler wished he could block out the sound of it. The familiarity. The warmth. It pervaded all Tyler's senses, drowned out his rationality. There was no way it could end well tonight. 

Then, slowly, Josh reached for Tyler, pulling him around to face him. 

"Tyler, it's going to be fine." Josh's voice was firm, assuring, and Tyler could do nothing but stare at the boy in front of him, his heart cracking open a tiny bit more at the sight.

And then the sounds of muffled voices floated in from the kitchen.

Tyler's eyes widened. _No._

His dad must have arrived while him and Josh were sleeping. _Shit shit shit._ Tyler swallowed, pulling his knees up to his chest. "He's here. He's gonna... Josh, you have to-"

"Shhh," Josh soothed, voice still laced with sleep. Tyler watched as Josh hesitated for a moment, then inched his hand cautiously towards Tyler's. Tyler did the same, and then, gently, the side of Josh's hand touched the side of his. Tyler knew then that they were both equally scared, and equally longing. Somehow, they knew that Tyler's palm would turn and Josh's would hover, until they were ready for that touch, that breathing through fingertips, that closeness that only came when they gave it.

Tyler took a deep breath, glancing over at Josh. He looked completely soft and earnest in the dim light, and Tyler could do nothing to stop himself from crawling over to the boy, a sigh escaping his lips. The two of them sat together, listening to the voices getting steadily louder. Tyler was far too aware of Josh's hands inching across his stomach, the way Josh was pulling him closer and closer and soon he gave in, wrapping his arms tightly around Josh's neck. And maybe this wasn't right, this wasn't normal for friends, the way Josh buried his face into Tyler's neck or how Tyler was pulled into Josh's lap and how they were _just so close._

Tyler's hand traced Josh's jaw, trailing over the warm skin, edging closer and closer to...

He needed to stop. He needed to stop before he did something he'd regret. 

Without a word he quickly got off Josh's lap, standing up and looking around the room for a way to escape the awkwardness.

Josh sighed, shutting his eyes. Like he'd known it was coming. "Tyler, I-"

"No, Josh," Tyler sighed, looking down.

"But-"

"Just get out, Josh."

"But Tyler I-"

"I said get the fuck out, Josh. My dad's here. He'd kill me if he saw this."

"Like this is about your dad." Josh muttered the words under his breath, but Tyler still heard them. He watched wordlessly as Josh stood up, walked across the room. The blue haired boy stopped by the doorway, and then he turned to look at Tyler with a vigorous openness that Tyler had never seen on his face before.

"Sorry I didn't go home. It was because I really liked cuddling you," he said.

Tyler didn't reply at once, trying to ignore the blush he could feel staining his cheeks. He knew that he'd have to tread carefully right now, just for the simple preservation of his safety. "Josh, I don't..." Tyler sighed. "I wasn't myself, y'know? I was exhausted. I probably did stupid stuff. I don't know. Can we talk about this later?"

"Like you're so good at that," Josh said, his voice low and salty.

"That's not fair."

"I know. I'm sorry." Josh sighed, looking up at the ceiling. "I get it, Tyler. It was just the medication. That's all. See ya." And Josh walked straight out of the room, pulling on his jacket and grabbing his bag on the way out.

Tyler watched him go, standing aghast in the middle of his atramentous room. Eventually he managed to break from his revere, slowly turning to open the curtains, but only the soft glow of dusk air drifted in.

He froze once again when he heard Josh walk out of the hallway and into the kitchen. His parents stopped talking immediately.  _Stupid,_ Tyler scolded himself. He should have gone out there to explain things. He listened attentively, but was unable to make out the small exchanging of words.

And then.

And then he heard Josh's raised voice, raised so that Tyler could definitely hear him. Raised so that the world could hear him.

"I just want to say that... that you're son is alive, Mr and Mrs Joseph. You're son is living. And you need to love him. I don't care who you thought he was, or who you want him to be, you need to love him exactly as he is, because your son is a remarkable human being. You have to understand that."

And then the front door swung open, and Josh was gone.

Tyler sat upright on his bed, his heart beating hard in his chest. What the hell was happening? Did Josh really think that? After all Tyler had just done?

Now wasn't the time to mull over it, Tyler decided. He reached for his bag quickly, shoving overnight clothes into it, listening to the voices start up again. He grabbed his phone and shrugged on a jacket, glancing at the wall above his desk as he stood in the doorway. 

_Him and his fucking moods._

Tyler almost jumped out of his skin when he turned back around.

"Tyler. Y'got some explaining to do, I believe."

Tyler's eyes were met with his father's ones, shadowed and dark and sleepless. Their eyes, if nothing else, were the same. Tyler shook his head. "I'm-"

"You're not going anywhere. I talked to your mom. Why the fuck were you in bed with that boy?"

"Dad-"

"Who is he? The one that just walked out? He had a lot to say about you, didn't he?" His dad's voice was bitter and hollow, laced with the judgement Tyler had tried to get rid of his whole life.

"That's Josh, dad." Tyler sighed. "His name's Josh."

"Why were you in bed with him?" his father repeated. Spit flew out of his mouth, face red and eyes dangerous. "What are you, a fucking faggot?"

Tyler stared at his dad calmly. 

"So what if I am?"

Silence.

Silence.

Silence.

It was that silence that severed any remaining ties that had connected Tyler with his father.

The man just shook his head slowly, advancing on his son. Tyler instinctively backed up against his bed, but he couldn't stop the hands that grabbed at him, the words that would inevitably come. They'd come, and although Tyler could smell the fear in his veins, he couldn't let them in.

He just couldn't.

Tyler writhed as the onslaught began, his father slinging insult after insult at him, words slurred and fists powerful as they bunched Tyler's shirt. Tyler tried to shove him back, screaming in his face  _get the fuck out of my room,_ and Tyler's father shoved Tyler back on his bed, shaking Tyler with such force he felt it in his own primal centre. 

Tyler was scared. And not the illusion-of-children's-nightmares kind of fear. What started as a contortion of his stomach became a feeling of being smothered by an invisible hand. He struggled as his father's face leered down at him, almost crying as the house was filled with reckless slurs, thoughtless yells. His father wrestled, grabbing Tyler's shirt and slamming him, and Tyler pushed him away, kicked, but nothing ever seemed to work. 

"You... you and Mom used to say that you'd love us no matter what." Tyler's voice was shaking, and his hands were shaking, and he wished he'd never come home at all.

"Empty _fucking_ promise, Tyler. Either cut it out of you, or get out of here." His dad was still leering over him, the alcohol prominent on his breath. Tyler tried to wriggle away, tried to back up against his wall, anything to get the hell away from this. 

"I can't believe I got stuck with a son who cries on the floor of his school bathroom, who probably fucks boys behind our back every night." Tyler's dad was on a roll now, grey eyes fired up and burning mercilessly into his son. "The school rang your mom, you know. They told her you'd run off too, and then your mom found you here in bed, probably with that boy's dick up your ass. Do you think it's your duty to tear this family into pieces every single day you're alive? Is that it? Is it your duty to be so completely fucked up you need to drag everyone else into it too?" Tyler's father grabbed at his son's wrists, pinning him down, shoving his face into Tyler's with such hatred Tyler could feel it radiating off him in waves.

"I am not fucked up." Tyler was surprised at how calm his voice was, despite the uncontrollable turmoil flaming up inside. 'It's you, Dad. Your ruin me. And if there is anything wrong with me, it's because of your shitty genes. Bipolar is genetic, my doctor told me. It's your damn fault, though I don't expect you to care."

"Of course your doctor told you it was genetic! He knows jackshit! You're the only screw up in this family, Tyler Joseph, and I wish to God you could have been normal, for everyone's sake. Even when you were a kid you were always so fucking _affected._ And look at you now. Stupid and reckless, and you're a damn faggot too." 

Tyler was helpless to stop the tears from flowing at this point, incapable of stopping everything being said from getting inside of him, filling him until there was nothing left. His father was right; he was affected. Every word was a bullet to his head. He'd built his floodgates out of tissue paper.

And Tyler's dad was still screaming, still swearing, just like always. Still fucking drunk. Tyler couldn't remember a time when he wasn't. Tyler wrestled weakly with his dad's arms, and it was then that his father struck him, hard across the face. 

His fucking Dad, the man who had played catch with him as a kid and taught him how to ride a bike, had just punched Tyler as hard as a grown man drunk on cheap liquor and hatred could manage.

Tyler stopped struggling. He lay exhausted, curled up on his side, taking in great gulping breaths. His vision was so blurry he could barely see. He clutched at his stomach, and his father finally, _finally_ pushed off the bed and stood up, still raving and ramming insult after insult down Tyler's throat, consuming him, eating him alive. _Stupid. Worthless. Stupid. Worthless._

_Faggot._

Lots of people thought the most powerful emotion was love.

Tyler thought the most powerful emotion was fear.

He stayed curled up in the corner of his bed long after his father had stormed out. His hands were over his head, chest still wracked with sobs. He cried harder than he ever had in his entire life because he couldn't change the way he was, not as fast and easily as his father stopped being Dad. 

Tyler was utterly soaked in hatred. He was almost intoxicated by it. He wanted to turn all his flaws and disappointments into daggers, and strike his father right between the eyes with it. He could practically see his father sitting on the steps by the back door, gulping whiskey and muttering _stupid, worthless_ under his breath. Tyler shoved the heels of his palms into his eyes and rubbed as hard as he could. He curled up tighter and bit down on his hand to stem the sobs but he just couldn't stop crying. He felt like he was already dead in his father's eyes. A man-made monster with every human emotion, overdosed on worthlessness in a world that would never wrap it's head around him. Maybe it didn't even want to try.

Eventually Tyler pulled himself up, dragging in a few panicky, stumbling breaths. He wished to God he still had those damn pills. Any pills. Anything to take him away. "Oh my fucking God, I n-need to get out of here..." he muttered, shaking, wrapping his arms around himself. 

He wanted to run. He wanted to get the fuck out of this entire damn town. There wasn't anything for him here anymore. Not a single damn thing to keep him feeling alive. 

Alive...

And it all came rushing back.

_Tyler's hands on Josh. Linked fingers and foreheads pressed together, quick breathing and giggles. Josh's soft eyes under the covers. Quiet, sweet whispers and hearts beating in time._

It hurt to think about it, mostly because Tyler knew he'd fucked it up more than usual this time. He didn't know if it was salvageable, didn't know how many more chances he was going to get. Because Tyler knew that soon Josh would stop ripping himself into shreds to prove Tyler was worth loving. He'd start hearing the choruses of everyone Tyler had let down.

Maybe Josh and that blue girl should just get together and make out because Jesus _she_ was completely stable and normal so what was even the fucking point of boys like Tyler sick boy sick boy sick boy. _  
_

Tyler rested his head in his hands, washed-out light filtering in his window. The house was deadly silent now. It was like the only thing anyone in his family ever did was think. Think about the feelings that they hid. 

Half an hour later, Tyler's father left again.

Tyler stared out his window, eyes shadowed and dry. He slowly became aware that he was thinking about Josh again, silently pleading for him to come back, come back to him, but Josh wasn't coming back. Tyler couldn't even blame him this time, because he was a crazy fucking idiot left with only his crazy fucking mind and he was so so dirty, he was filthy, and he was never going to be loved.

Tyler's nails dug into his skin, ripped mindlessly at flesh that never had enough time to heal. He needed to block all this out, banish it to the other side of the barrier. He needed to block his father out of his life as best he could, and he needed to prove to Josh that was every bit as remarkable as Josh thought he was. He needed to prove that Josh was worth it.

He could do it. He could, because he was in love with the blue haired boy who flipped through records and watched High School Musical and compared love to an old X Files episode.

Tyler could barely see, could barely breathe. But he could think.

  _I need you, Josh._

 

 


	30. Josh

"Josh? Aren't you hungry?"

Josh glanced up from his meal, horrified to see his entire family staring back at him from down the table.

"N-not really. Sorry." Josh stirred at his beef noodle salad, swallowing.

It had been four days since he'd been at Tyler's, and Tyler hadn't even bothered to text him since. Now it was Sunday night and Josh was out for dinner with his family at the Chinese restaurant downtown. Josh sighed as his family continued eating, making small talk about work and school. He'd been trying far too hard to keep his mind away from Tyler, but right then, he gave up. It was helpless. He was a lost case. His mind went over and over the look on Tyler's face, Tyler telling him to get out. He shook his head slightly, tapping his fingers on his knee nervously.

He was mad at himself. He knew he shouldn't be, but God, he was.

Josh's family left early. It was only about eight o'clock when they stepped out of the restaurant into the brisk air, Josh's younger sisters running down the road and yelling the lyrics to "A Thousand Miles." Josh looked at all of them, his dad joking with his brother, his mom walking in front, and he couldn't help but feel strangely calm. His family was so  _constant_. As much as he cared about Tyler, he couldn't help but feel like he was a bit... all over the place.

By the time Josh walked in his front door, it was almost half past. The lights were all off in the house, and Josh sighed as he dragged his feet up the stairs to the bathroom.

Once he'd finished with his half hearted attempt at washing himself he turned the water off, feeling, as always, slightly light headed. He grabbed a towel, pressing it against his face and sighing. At dinner, the conversation was almost always circulating around the future, and what him and his siblings were planning on doing once they left school. And Josh had stayed quiet. He stared at himself in the mirror, frowning slightly. People were good at things. Looking around at life, Josh noticed there was always something unique about others. Their style. Their talents. The way they were.

And then there was Josh, who was still merely trying to figure out himself. Sure, there were things he enjoyed. Like his drums. But he wanted to know what he was meant for. His purpose. He wanted to find his purpose. He would think about this often, as a nameless and unknown person stared back at him in the mirror. It seemed like everyone knew who Josh was but Josh.

 _Who am I?_ Josh found himself asking. _What am I doing? What do I want? Besides a boy who won't have me._

He got dressed slowly, his mind turning over and over inside. It wasn't like he hated himself. He was just trying to figure out who the hell he was.

As he walked back to his room later, he got out his phone and checked his notifications for the first time that night. He stopped outside his door, frowning.

_Three texts from:_ **Tyler**

_Three missed calls from:_   **Tyler**

Josh went into his messages quickly, knowing this had been bound to happen sooner or later. He'd almost been anticipating it, and he wasn't sure he had the energy to deal with it.

 **Tyler:**   _Josh_

**Tyler:** _please answer_

_Missed call_

**Tyler:** _I'm sorry please answer_

_Missed call_

"Shit," Josh muttered, leaning against the wall absentmindedly. He immediately opened his messages and typed a quick text.

 **Me:**   _Hey. Everything okay?_

 **Tyler:**   _you weren't answering my calls_

 **Me:**   _I was out_

 **Tyler:**   _I thought you were mad._

Josh sighed, considering his reply.

 **Me:**   _I'm not, Tyler. Why weren't you at school?_

 **Tyler:**   _Can you meet me by the church in ten minutes?_

Josh pushed a hand through his hair, frowning.

 **Me:**   _Why?_

 **Tyler:**   _Please_

 **Tyler:**   _I need you_

And that was enough.

Josh could barely put together a coherent thought as he shrugged on a denim jacket, not even bothering to lace up his converse. He grabbed his phone and was out the backdoor in moments, footsteps hollow on the empty opaque road.

Josh tried to push the pestering thoughts away as he walked, tried to get the image of Tyler out, but he couldn't. Because it was undeniable now, really. Before, Josh had tried to push his feelings off as friendship; a deep connection that was nothing more than platonic. But now, Josh couldn't look at Tyler without it having an effect. He couldn't look at Tyler without wanting to slip his hand into the other boy's palm. Couldn't look at the other boy without tripping over his words.

_Hopeless._

The church was several streets away, a humble building thrown into contoured shadow. Any lingering light had been obliterated by the rapidly falling night, and the sky was a vast expanse of jet-black that engulfed the town. A canopy of luminous stars had materialised amongst the ocean of blackness. Some were dull, merely flickering into existence every now and then, but some danced along the sky in various patterns, tugging at the corners of Josh's lips in a way that almost made him smile.

Tyler didn't seem to be there yet, so Josh stood awkwardly outside the front steps, hands shoved in his pockets to fight off the cold. And the nerves, as much as he hated to admit it. Josh knew things had changed between the two of them. They couldn't go back to the way things were, not after that afternoon. He felt like so much was at stake tonight, so much was hanging in the balance. He was scared that one more misstep, and it wouldn’t be salvageable. They’d just be two more boys who thought they knew everything, two more boys who stupidly promised each other the world.

Someone cleared their throat behind Josh.

The blue haired boy quickly wheeled around, and was suddenly face to face with doe eyes and tawny skin and his very own black hoodie.

Josh sighed audibly, taking in the boy opposite. He was so familiar. So Tyler. Josh knew the arc of his lower lip, the curve of his shoulders. The way he half tucked his shirt in, the way he rubbed his palms together without realising he was doing it. His nervous smile. His way of leaning forward.

Josh was so angry. And so happy to see him.

The feeling from before came back stronger than ever, lingering in his stomach achingly. It was like a slight weight, enough to be noticeable, but nowhere near enough to weigh him down. It coated every thought in neon paint, and Josh couldn’t believe it wasn’t painfully noticeable in every movement he made, in every expression that crossed his face.

"Hey," Tyler said. It wasn't questioning or harsh or anything else. It was just a word, just a casual reminder that he was there. It was like he could convey an entire paragraph with one word.

"Hey," Josh replied. He stood awkwardly opposite Tyler, too scared to even touch him after last time.

But Tyler wasn't scared.

Josh didn't react when Tyler stepped forward. He didn't react when Tyler's trembling hands met his pale cheeks, warm as they traced his cheekbones. He didn't even react when Tyler's eyes met his with such gentle softness, raw and affectionate and laced with something Josh had never seen before.

"Can I ask you something?" Tyler asked.

Josh nodded wordlessly. There was something hanging in the air. He could feel it.

Tyler paused, as if considering his next words. "Have you ever wanted something so badly that it sort of takes over your life? Like, you still do all the things you're supposed to do, but you're just going through the motions because you're entirely consumed by this one thing?"

That was when Josh reacted.

Because here was Tyler, back in front of him, bright and awake and completely and utterly alive. How was it that he'd been pissed on by the universe again and again and again, and he wasn't afraid? How was it that he had the strength to be here with eyes brown and wide and right on Josh's?

Maybe it was right then, the moment that Josh knew. Or maybe he'd known all along.

"I have," he whispered.

Tyler stepped closer. Josh's soul was trembling, but his body felt incredibly loose. He could feel his heart slamming in his chest, pulsing in his ears. He felt like it wasn't really him there, pulling Tyler closer to him by his waist, sighing his name with a new kind of desperation. Josh felt like he was breathing electric air, and it was through that air that Tyler was leaning. Josh leant in too, leant into all of it, his heart in his mouth.

And then Tyler's mouth was on his mouth, and his heart fell back into place.

That moment was the consecration of everything they'd both already known. The tender pressure, hands corresponding, tracing spines, gliding down hips. Their mouths fitted together like they were supposed to, and Josh was hyperconscious of their bodies, hyperconscious of their breathing. Tyler's mouth was the softest thing Josh had ever known, and he tasted like cinnamon and fall, and he was so so beautiful. And not just in the physical way.

He was beautiful in what he was.

He was fire and he was driving with the windows down and he was singing in the car. He was laughter and football games that Josh didn't care about and music that he did. He was just the best person Josh knew, the best person he'd ever known, no matter what bad things had happened between them and no matter what happened after this.

There was something to be said for being young and needing someone so badly, you jumped in head first without looking.

So Josh kissed his best friend harder outside the church, his hand at the nape of Tyler's neck, moonlight spilling down and throwing Tyler in a heavenly glow.

It was Tyler who pulled away first, a faint smile curving his face, cheeks flushed and lips pink. Josh looked at him helplessly, too far-gone to have a clue what to say.

_We kissed. We kissed. We kissed._

"Tyler," he said.

"Josh." Tyler brushed Josh's cheek with the back of his hand. The gesture was startling, atom-splitting, because it was so unexpected, so tender. As was the look in his eyes. It made everything inside Josh ache.

"Is it happening?" Josh whispered.

"Yeah, it is."

They giggling nervously, hands connected and eyes unable to be torn away. "We kissed. Outside a  _church,_ " Tyler said.

Josh slipped a kiss to his jaw in reply, still too overcome to speak. He wanted to kiss Tyler for every time they didn't. He was creating a riot in Josh's blood with every squint in the darkness, every slight press of his palm.

Tyler leant forward more, his hands curled around the back of Josh's neck and his eyes studying, assessing. "I'm guessing you want an explanation. It's just, my dad... my dad told me I was a disgusting faggot. I guess this is me proving to myself that I don't care." Tyler shrugged, his expression thoughtful.

"Oh?" Josh's brow furrowed, gaze fixed on Tyler. "Is that... is that all it was?"

"No. It's not." Tyler tilted his head back in the darkness, smiling absentmindedly. "I have a holy freaking hugeeeee crush on you, Joshua Dun."

Josh screwed up his nose mockingly, hands shoved back in his pockets. "Gayyy," he said.

Tyler chuckled. "Yeah. This is me coming out."

"Okay, well, me too then." Josh sighed. "That was the thing my mom told everyone before school started."

Tyler frowned, blinking. "Why were you mad at her?"

"Because..." Josh crinkled his nose again. "Because coming out was supposed to be my thing. I don't know. It's stupid."

"It's not." Tyler smiled softly, pulling Josh Josh closer. "I totally get you."

They stared at each other for a moment before they both burst out laughing.

They ended up with their foreheads pressed together and fingers intertwined, and they were both still giggling as Josh looked down at Tyler's lips. It seemed so magical that Josh could kiss him, really kiss him, and that Tyler would want to kiss him back. So magical that they showed their weaknesses to one another, their fears and fragility. That was what Josh didn't admit about his first kiss: one of the most gratifying things about it was that it was proof, actual proof, that someone wanted to kiss him. He was desirable. He desired.

"What now?' Josh murmured, his mind already wandering faraway from the freezing front path of the church.

"Let's go back to yours," Tyler said slowly, pulling at his hand. The two of them set off into the darkness, and Josh felt the most ebullient he'd ever felt in his life.

He watched as his breaths condensed in front of him in the cool evening, flowing and mingling with Tyler's. Josh glanced across at the younger boy's profile for what felt like the hundredth time that night, drinking him in until he was completely saturated in Tyler. He knew he'd never be able to fully comprehend this boy. And maybe that was okay.

"Josh."

"Hmm?"

"I'm really sorry. About what happened at mine, and for not being at school. I just-"

"Hey, it's okay. You don’t need to say you’re sorry." Josh's voice was soft, and he gave Tyler's hand a small squeeze. "Really, you don’t ever have to say it, Tyler.”

Tyler didn't reply. But he smiled the whole walk home.

\------------------

Josh and Tyler did their best to sneak inside, erupting into giggles when the door wouldn't open and taking way too much time fumbling around to find the spare key, but eventually they fell inside, hushed voices cutting into the dark house. It was warm inside; that was the first thing Josh noticed and something he was unreasonably grateful for. Despite the warmth of the evening's events, his fingertips had been tinged with a redness, and he'd be surprised if his toes hadn't succumbed to frostbite.

"Hello?"

Josh froze, quickly letting go of Tyler and peering around in the darkness. His mom's face emerged from the kitchen, her eyes questioning.

"What are you boys doing back so late?"

Josh cleared his throat, a smile still engraved on his face as he glanced at Tyler. "We were just, uh, out on a nice evening walk."

Josh's mom raised an eyebrow, but didn't dig into the subject. Instead she turned to Tyler, smiling gently. "Hey, Tyler. How are you doing? You boys want a warm drink?"

"I'm uh, doing well thanks. And tea would be great," he added, smiling nervously.

Josh's mom nodded, humming and turning around. As soon as she'd disappeared back into the kitchen, Josh grabbed Tyler's hand and lead him upstairs, walking slowly over the landing in order not to wake the rest of his family.

After what felt like an age, Josh reached his bedroom and eased open the door handle, wincing as it creaked open for the second time that evening. The two of them slipped inside, and Josh flicked the light on, taking off his jacket in the warmth of his room. Tyler walked straight over to the window, sliding it up and leaning out, elbows rested on the desk. Josh watched him, trying his best to calm his racing heart. There had been so many times this could have happened, so many places, but Josh didn't think that any of them would have felt this right.

Then Tyler turned his face slightly, and in the light of his room, Josh noticed something he hadn't before.

He took a step towards Tyler, gently turning his chin towards him, and took in the purple bruise lining his left cheek bone. It hadn't been visible in the darkness, and now that Josh could see it, his heart dropped.

"Oh, Tyler."

Tyler didn't respond, just kept his eyes fixed on the floor.

Josh took a deep breath, running a hand through his wet hair. "What happened?"

Tyler paused, fear lining his dark eyes from the memory. "He yelled," Tyler said slowly. "He yelled for a long time, Josh. My mom saw us together, and she told my dad and it he's a _fucking asshole_  when it comes to this kind of thing, and he lost his mind when he found out we were in the same bed. And then... yeah. He hit me." Tyler touched his cheek, frowning at Josh's ceiling. "He just... he wouldn't stop, and he was calling me a faggot and I don't think he's ever been as mad as he was that night, Josh-"

"Tyler. Ty, c'mere." Josh opened his arms and Tyler immediately shoved his face in Josh's neck, visibly shaking. Josh sighed, tracing his thumb over Tyler's arm as he held him closely.

Tyler sucked in a shuddering breath before letting the words tumble out of his mouth.

"My doctor.... he thinks I might be bipolar, Josh."

Josh didn't reply it once, concentrating on rubbing slowly up Tyler's arm as he tried to take in this information. Josh had always considered Tyler an emotional exhibitionist, going up and down all the time. He could be a storm, but he could be a soft candle lighting up a dark room. All of it - all of his emotional stuff, his ever changing moods and tones of voice - it made him seem so incredibly alive. Josh always knew they weren't alike in that sense - he tried to keep calm a lot of the time, having a sort of control thing over himself, but sometimes it felt like he wasn't doing any living at all. Maybe Josh needed Tyler because being around him made him feel more alive. Maybe that wasn't logical, but maybe the thing people called logic was overrated.

Tyler continued when Josh didn't respond, clearly nervous. "My dad is too, that's the thing. It's genetic. I don't... I don't want to end up like that, Josh."

Josh almost laughed then, smiling tenderly. "Tyler Joseph, you're the sweetest person I know."

"You think so?"

"Everyone does." Josh shrugged, then hardened. "And if your dad ever hurts or so much as looks at you badly again, you tell me, Ty. I swear I'll fucking kill him." Josh spoke with fire, voice muffled in the younger boy's hair. Tyler didn't reply, just tightened his arms around Josh's waist.

And God, Josh wished they hadn't waited so long.

At that moment, there were footsteps on the stairs. Josh's head shot up. 'I think that's mom."

Josh's mom had made both of them a cup of tea. She smiled indulgently as Tyler took his in his hands, grinning at her. "Thanks."

"No problem, Tyler. Let me know if you need anything else." she said.

Josh fell back on the bed, eyes closed. "Thanks, mom," he said softly. She smiled at both of them again, closing the door and retreating to her room.

"Your mom's so nice," Tyler sighed when she'd gone, sipping his tea.

"She's one of a kind," Josh replied.

Tyler settled down cross-legged on the bed beside Josh. "Must run in the family," he said.

Josh smiled and opened one eye to the boy hovering above him. Tyler’s smile was soft and loving, and Josh was filled with all those feelings he expected you got when you’d seen actual heaven.

Hell, maybe it wouldn't last. Maybe they'd both been obsessed with this rose-coloured night, a magical euphoria that couldn't carry on into their everyday lives no matter how much they wanted it to.

But Josh would do anything. He knew that. And he wasn't afraid.

"I like you," Josh said suddenly. "I like you a lot."

"I like you a lot too," Tyler said.

"Good," whispered Josh, and he took Tyler by the back of the neck.

The world spun along outside, the stars fading and the streets getting light as the lights went out. The future was happening, but it could wait until tomorrow. Neither of them knew what would come next, or where they went from here, or even what anyone would say about them. But none of it mattered.

They had each other right then.


	31. Tyler

Tyler had been awake for almost half an hour now, eyes barely open as he listened to the rain slamming onto the pavement outside. Though it was sometime in mid-morning, Tyler could see through the half obscured window that the sky was dark and stormy, cold winds lashing at the suburban Ohio streets. Tyler, however, was warm under Josh's comforter, the older boy still sound asleep next to him.

It was Sunday morning. They'd been together for 7 months or 7 days or something, and it had been the best time of Tyler's life.

Tyler smiled slightly at the Pokemon cards splayed out from the previous night. Him and Josh had played for hours, facing each other on Josh's bed, glancing up to stare mindlessly at the each every now and then just because they could. It felt so right, the way they were together. How Tyler would lie down on his stomach and slap his Charizard card on Josh's bed, how Josh would laugh with his tongue poking out between his teeth, and the sleepy kisses from Josh when Tyler won just felt  _right._

"I can't believe this," Tyler would whisper. Josh would just grin.

Tyler ran his eyes over Josh now, his messy blue hair and his damn NASA shirt that he always wore, crumpled from Tyler cuddling tightly against his chest.

Josh was his. All his.

Tyler smiled at that, lightly squeezing Josh's arm. He heard Josh mumble slightly, sighing in his sleep.

"God, you're so adorable," Tyler whispered, feeling Josh smile into his hair.

"You're one cheesy motherfucker, Tyler Joseph," Josh said, opening one eye and smiling slightly.

Josh radiated glory. Tyler held onto him, curling beside him, their bodies fitting together like a perfect jigsaw puzzle. It felt like the C major chord. Like the feeling when you pulled the plastic cover off a new CD. Like crossed fingers and illuminated roads at night. Like all the colours on the spectrum, at full brightness.

"Josh?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you feel this?"

Tyler knew he'd asked Josh that question before. But it just made sense to him, the way his heartbeat sped up and his cheeks flushed and he could feel it in the air, and it was all because of Josh, this remarkable person, with his mocha eyes and sky blue hair and his damn beautiful smile. He felt so, so much for the blue haired boy, and that's what scared him the most. What frightened him to the core of his bones, made his mind misty. Josh was his sanctuary. 

"I feel it, Ty." Josh's voice was low and soft, and he angled his head to rest on Tyler's' shoulder.

"I just wish I told you earlier." Tyler whispered.

"I know. Me too."

Tyler turned his face a bit, just so until his and Josh's noses were almost touching. He didn't say a word, instead framing the blue haired boy's face, running his thumbs down his jaw, over his cheekbones. He stared at Josh, and it was so strange, the strangest feeling he'd ever had. Butterflies, but something more solid than that, something beating and persistent.

"You wanna have breakfast?" Josh said quietly, his eyes still sleepy and his body still warm.

"Mhm," Tyler hummed absentmindedly. He softly tucked Josh's hair behind his ear as they lay together, an easy silence wrapping them both in a blanket of assurance. Tyler was completely infatuated.

It was taking him a while to get used to it. There were so many people in his life, and he'd spent so much time listening, learning the longings everyone had in common. Until now, he'd never taken the time to hear them in himself.  

Tyler glanced out the window again. The rain fell in crazy chaotic drops, the gusting wind carrying them in wild vortices one moment and in diagonal sheets the next. He was glad he was at Josh's again. He'd gone home during the week, but had come to Josh's on Friday to avoid his father. He knew he couldn't avoid him forever, but weekends with Josh made him forget about it. Weekends with Josh made him forget about everything.

The Monday back at school had been hard. Everyone had been nervous around him, quietly walking past him in the hallway and going out of their way to be nice to him. Lunch had been especially awkward. No one had had the nerve to sit in his or Josh's seat, and there weren't any of the usual bants and jokes. "You good, Tyler?" Brendon had asked. Tyler had just nodded nervously and looked down, glancing at Josh before stabbing at his food. 

Tyler didn't want that. When he'd told Josh, Josh had just caught his eye and squeezed his hand. 

When the two of them had finally made their way downstairs, the house was empty. Josh's parents were out shopping, his sisters were at friends and his brother was working.

"You like cereal?" Josh asked, sliding over the kitchen tiles in his socks towards the pantry.

Tyler grinned. "Of course."

"We have... spooky Crunchy Nut. Seasonal." Josh grabbed the packet from the shelf, putting two bowls on the counter and getting the milk from the fridge. Tyler watched him from the corner of the counter, and Josh turned his head slightly to look at him, smiling. Tyler simply stared at Josh. The way his lips lifted upward. The way the muscles of his back shifted beneath his shirt. The way his teeth were perfectly aligned...

"Where have you been?" Tyler said after a moment, and Josh laughed.

"Right here," he answered and Tyler shook his head.

"Don't go, then," he whispered seriously, and Josh smiled reassuringly at Tyler, the cereal box still in his hand.

Between small jokes and kisses, Josh eventually managed to finish making the cereal, one hand intertwined with Tyler's as he shoved everything back in its place. Without a word he grabbed his cereal and sat down in the middle of the kitchen floor, his bowl on his lap as he grinned up at Tyler.

"Really?" Tyler said, chuckling.

"Tables are overrated."

"You're overrated."

Josh simply winked in reply, stirring his cereal. Tyler stared down at him for a moment. _What the fuck even was this boy?_ With a sigh, he sat down opposite Josh, setting his bowl on the cold tiles in front of him. Josh shot him a smile, and they sat facing each other, the stereo quietly playing Josh's mix. Rain continued to fall outside, Josh hummed as he ate, and Tyler felt oddly settled. Like mornings with Josh were something he could get used to. He stirred absentmindedly at his Crunchy Nut as an unknown song played in the background.

"What song is this?" Tyler asked Josh, frowning at him slightly.

Josh smiled. "Wake For Young Souls by Third Eye Blind. It's one of my favourites."

Tyler lifted his head slightly as if to hear the song better, knowing how much Josh liked the band. "I like it," Tyler said slowly, and Josh smiled imploringly. And then Tyler couldn't help it - he leant forward and smoothed his thumb down the bridge of Josh's nose, cheekbone, tracing over his faded freckles. Josh hummed softly, closing his eyes, and Tyler carded his fingers through Josh's hair.

 _Who we are now, who we are_  
_Who we are now, who we are_  
_Where does time go now, on a wake for young souls..._

The song faded to nothing. Tyler opened his eyes, slipping his hand out of Josh's hair, trailing his fingers over Josh's arm as he pulled his hand away. But Josh stopped him; his fingers gently entwined themselves with Tyler's, eyes glancing up and searching. Everything about him was so gentle; Tyler had always noticed that about him. He'd always loved that about him. Josh's face lit up in the most timid of ways, and Tyler could tell that whatever he was going to say mattered.

"Ty." Josh locked his eyes with Tyler, biting his lip softly as his grasp tightened. "I love that this," he gestured to their hands, "feels incredibly normal, and absolutely amazing."

Tyler sighed contentedly as he rubbed his thumb across the older boy's soft skin. "Normal is amazing, isn't it?"

Josh grinned. "You bet it is, pretty boy."

Something by Weezer started to play. Tyler was too busy pushing his bowl out of the way and flinging himself at his boyfriend to know what it was. 

\-------------------

When Josh's family finally arrived home, Tyler was sitting between Josh's legs on the couch, controller in hands, effortlessly leading in Mario Kart. Josh growled into his hair, murmuring about the unfairness of the game while Tyler laughed. The front door swung open just as Tyler crossed the finish line, and he almost fell off the couch in his haste to get off Josh's lap. Josh erupted into a fit of laughter as Tyler's face flushed from where he sat on ground, shoving Josh in the ribs as Mrs Dun called a hello from the kitchen.

"Hi," Josh called back, still grinning as Tyler poked his tongue out at Josh, finding his way back to the couch.

Tyler had a good afternoon. He and Josh stayed inside and played Singstar with Josh's younger sisters, more inseparable than they'd ever been. They found themselves winning most rounds, and Tyler couldn't help but be pleased with his perfect-score rendition of The Backstreet Boys 'I Want it That Way.'

"This isn't fair. Tyler's too good at singing," Abby said, falling back defeated on the couch. Tyler just laughed in response, rocking on his heels happily.

"I know. I'm lucky," Josh grinned at Tyler, and Tyler couldn't help but notice the lazy curls falling over his forehead, the way his sweats hung low on his hips. _All his. All his._

They were both still smiling ten minutes later when Abby and Ashley had gone off to their rooms and the two of them were left sitting on the couch again, trying to throw pretzels in the air and catch them in their mouths.

"You're voice is really nice, Tyler," Josh said suddenly, resting his chin on Tyler's shoulder.

"Ah. I don't know." Tyler looked down, breaking a pretzel in half distractedly.

"It is. And that song in the music room..."

"You still remember that?" Tyler's cheeks reddened a little at the memory of it, at the irony of Josh listening to words written for him.

"Of course. I still think about it, y'know." Josh's eyes were closed, but Tyler saw a smile curve softly into his face. "You write songs, don't you?"

Tyler nodded. "I... yeah. I do."

Josh tilted his face up slightly to see Tyler better, smiling a little. "I bet they're incredible."

Tyler stared at Josh for a moment, chewing his lip. Then he shook his head, looking up to the ceiling and listening to the incessant rain. "It's hard to know, y'know? They're mostly unfinished. Just, like, pieces of lyrics that I like getting down." Tyler shrugged, closing his eyes in the warmth of the Dun's living room. 

This time with Josh was all Tyler had wanted for a long, long time.

"Don't forget about me when you get all rich and famous, miracle boy," Josh said, tone light and soft.

Tyler snorted. "Miracle boy?"

"Yeah. You're like, my version of Jesus." Josh sat up properly, and he took the sides of Tyler's face in his hands, mocha eyes shining. Tyler just shook his head in reply, warmth spreading through his chest as he leant forward and pressed his lips to Josh's with pure sincerity. So Josh knew he meant it. The blue haired boy immediately lifted his hands to the back of Tyler's neck, fingers curling around the fine hairs there, warm and electric. Tyler pulled Josh closer, grinning against his mouth. _Addicted._

If Tyler was being completely honest, he'd been wanting to kiss Josh like this since sophomore year, but he had shoved those thoughts deep into the basement of his brain as soon as they'd appeared. He hadn't dared to drag them back out again until a few months ago, when they'd gotten so insistent, so overpowering that there was nothing he could do to stop them. Tyler smoothed his fingers down Josh's chest and kissed him again, their mouths working tentatively with each other. He touched Josh's neck, fingers ghosting over his skin, and Josh squirmed beneath him, laughing, his eyes crinkling at the sides. 

God, Tyler liked this boy. 

Eventually, Josh pulled away. Tyler tilted his head slightly at the loss, tracing Josh's cheek with an idle thumb. He let himself look at Josh for a long time then. Every curve of his face was familiar, but also he'd never seen him before. 

Josh smiled. It was shining. Bashful.

"Ty?"

"Yeah?"

"A few of us are heading over to Pete's later to watch Star Wars or something. You wanna come?" Josh flopped lazily from the couch to the carpet, yawning as he did. Tyler smiled at that - at how easy it was to waste a Sunday with Josh, to do nothing and everything and be able to be giddily happy in the simple presence of each other. He never used to have days like this, so uneventful and perfect. And that was a reminder that he really, really wanted to make this work.

Tyler nodded wordlessly as he flopped down beside Josh. They entwined their fingers and closed their eyes against the ceiling, against the rain above.

They just laid there. Holding hands. Josh rubbed Tyler's palm with his thumb gently. And Tyler melted.

It was a good half hour before either of them found the energy to drag themselves up to Josh's bedroom, changing slowly and lazily in the grey evening light. Josh took at least five minutes to pull on khaki chinos, flopping down on his bed and letting Tyler lace up his dirty black high tops. 

"You're lazy," said Tyler.

"You're cute," said Josh. 

Tyler smiled and pulled his (Josh's) black hoodie over his head, shaking his head at mocha eyes and blue hued hair. _Ebullience._

The two of them were out of the house and walking down the street in the chill fall air before Josh's family even noticed they were gone. 

As soon as they were on the street, Josh immediately took Tyler's hand and laced their fingers together. Like routine. Like clockwork. And Tyler, who had never thought in terms of life, thought to himself that he could make a life out of this. Not the hand-holding, but the aura of hand-holding. The togetherness and the nightfall and the words that they shared. He could make a life out of this. Tyler, who had never been prepared.

Josh squeezed his hand.

_Let's say we up and left this town, and turned our futures upside down..._

 

 


	32. Josh

"I fucking knew it! I should totally be on this damn show!" Brendon's voice was loud, flowing all through Pete's living room as X Files credits rolled down the TV. Everyone was crowded round on Pete's cramped couch or laying on the floor, picking at food as the night wore on. They'd all gotten bored of Star Wars quickly, and had moved on to X Files after Josh's incessant badgering.

They were all creatures of habit, especially on weekends. They had rituals. 90's TV shows and junk food, which they all took turns to get on late night Walgreens runs. That night had been Brendon and Ryan's turn, and they'd returned with red bulls and enough Cheetos to kill a man. 

Ryan chucked a handful of Cheetos at Brendon, shaking his head. "You're telling me you just _happened_ to figure out a conspiracy Mulder couldn't even get his head around?"

"Yep." Brendon shrugged in the dim glow of the TV, splayed out on the carpet while Ryan absentmindedly played with his hair. Josh watched them knowingly from where he was on the couch, sitting cross legged and taking energy drink shots with an oddly fired-up Tyler.

"Liar." Ryan shook his head, shaking the empty bag of Cheetos onto Brendon's face. Brendon yelled in protest as orange dust floated onto him, immediately rising and tackling Ryan against the floor. Josh smiled at the familiarity of it, at the soft weight of Tyler's body leaning against him. 

Gerard leant back on the couch, sighing dramatically into the darkened living room. "I want more food. What food do you have, Pete? Please tell me you have some goldfish crackers."

"I mean, probably." Pete stood up, stretching and running a hand through his hair.

"Can you get me some?" Gerard looked at him imploringly, tucked into Frank's side.

"Well, yeah, but you can come. You can all come. Do I look like a fucking maid?" Pete huffed.

Frank laughed. "It is your house, princess." 

Pete rolled his eyes dramatically at his despised nickname, sighing and turning off the TV. Tyler swung his legs into Josh's lap as this went on, humming as he broke up a salt and vinegar chip and put it in his mouth. Josh smiled at the boy mindlessly, not noticing as Pete shared a glance with Gerard before everyone but Josh and Tyler headed to the kitchen, yelling the X files theme song.

Tyler turned to Josh the minute they were out of the room, giggling and taking Josh's face in his hands. He always did that, Josh noticed. It was like he was studying, assessing... what? Josh grinned back at Tyler, running his fingertips over his lips as they heard loud voices in the kitchen.

"Hey, Ty," Josh said quietly as Tyler snuggled closer, hands wrapped around yet another can of red bull.

Josh sighed. "Tyler Joseph, how many Red Bulls have you had in the last hour?"

Tyler nudged Josh in the ribs. Not hard, but not soft either. "Leave my ungodly addictions out of this, Joshua," Tyler said, smiling. He traced Josh's cheek with his thumb and Josh covered the hand with his own before Tyler entwined their fingers together, kissing Josh's jaw softly and lifting his doe eyes to Josh’s in a secret sort of way.

"Oh my god."

Josh's heart immediately stopped. He spun around quickly on the couch, looking around in the dim room and and scooting away from Tyler quickly.

And there was Jenna.

She stood stock still in the doorway, eyes wide, just staring at the two boys on the couch. Josh hadn't even heard her come in. He opened his mouth as if to speak, and then closed it.

“Y-you two? You and Tyler?” she stuttered, cheeks flushed as she stepped into the room, putting her bag down awkwardly on the floor.

Josh bit his tongue, feeling his face flush red. “Uh - its hard to explain.”

“You and Tyler are _together_?”

Jenna's voice was loud, and Josh was horrified to see Pete, Gerard, Frank and Brendon rush into the room, hollering and high-fiving. 

“I knew it! Cough up, Gee, I won the bet." Pete was grinning, clutching an instant coffee sachet as he surveyed the room.

“But-“ Gerard tried.

“No buts. You. Money. Give. Now,” Pete said.

Gerard sighed, then grudgingly pulled out 30 dollars from his back pocket.

Pete took it with a flourish, shoving it in his own back pocket. “Nice doing business with ya, friend.”

Josh frowned, his cheeks colouring as everyone crowded around in awe. “Are you kidding? You guys were actually betting on us?”

"Josh, you're absolutely the most terrible liar I know. We've seen the way you two look at each other. There was no way you two _weren't_ dating," Pete said. "Coffee?"

Jenna was still staring at them, looking back and forth in disbelief. "But... you two... each other? I just..." she shook her head again.

Josh rubbed his face nervously, staring at the couch. He didn't know when he was planning to tell the rest of them, but it wasn't tonight, wasn't like this. 

But maybe this was just how it was all going to be. Unplanned. And maybe that was okay.

Tyler, however, was grinning from ear to ear. "About time I left the damn closet," he said, leaning forward and pressing his lips to Josh's.

Brendon choked on his Cheeto.

"Holy _fuck,_ " Frank breathed. 

Ryan just poked his head around from the kitchen, eyes wide. "I believe this is what the kids call being shook."

\-------------

"Can we get out of here?" Tyler whispered across to Josh.

Josh just took a deep breath, surveying the scene in front of him. Midnight had come and gone, though no one was showing any signs of leaving anytime soon. What had started as an innocent game of Truth or Dare had somehow turned into a weird variation Truth or Drink, only it was red bull mixed with coffee instead of alcohol. Josh didn't know what was worse. He nodded wordlessly at Tyler, quietly taking his hand and hauling him up amidst yells and flying empty cans. 

"I feel sorry for Pete's parents," Tyler sighed as they quietly picked their way into the hallway. Josh nodded again, about to turn and slip to the front door, but Tyler stopped him.

"Wait. Lets... lets not go yet."

Josh frowned. "What? It's so late. We can go back to mine, if you want."

"I know. But I'm not tired. Let's just stay for a bit. Please?" Tyler said, tugging at his hand.

Josh rolled his eyes, but let himself be dragged to what he assumed was Pete's bedroom. "Sure. I mean, it's not like I have a curfew or anything."

Tyler flicked the light on when they entered, the two of them taking in Pete's room, from the posters hanging on the wall and ceiling to the movies and books stacked on the shelves. Josh had only been in there once before, on Pete's seventeenth birthday when they'd pranked Pete by putting his bed out on the lawn. Josh watched as Tyler poked around for a moment, then slowly retrieved a ukulele that had been sat against the book shelf. 

"This is definitely new. I didn't even know Pete played," said Tyler, inspecting it closely. Josh watched him from the bed, his legs splayed out in front of him on Pete's rumpled black comforter.

"You gonna play me something?" Josh said, his tone teasing but hopeful. Tyler glanced up at him, a soft smile adorning his cherry cheeks. Without a word he settled on the bed beside Josh, ukulele poised against his chest as he gave it a few experimental strums. He screwed up his nose for a moment, as if considering what to play. Then he looked at Josh, studied him for a moment, as if Josh's face held the answer. And maybe it did, because after a moment Tyler's face broke into a grin, heavenly to Josh's imploring eyes.

"Okay, I think I'll play a classic. Try not to swoon," he said, smiling teasingly.

"No promises," Josh replied, eyes bright as his chin rested on his hands.

Tyler rolled his eyes before repositioning the ukulele slightly. Then he began to strum, in a slow rise-and-fall kind of way. Josh was unable to tear his eyes away from the copper-eyed, honey-skinned, hoodie-stealing, velvet-voiced boy. He felt that hijacked feeling come on, the one he got when he witnessed something fucking wonderful.

And then Tyler's voice quietly joined the tune of the ukulele.

Josh stopped moving when he heard Tyler's voice. He hadn't heard Tyler sing like this since the music room incident, and his breath caught in his throat. He wasn't expecting this. He wasn't prepared for the purity, the softness and raw beauty emitted in waves into the night. Josh shuffled closer to him on the bed, and Tyler's playing shifted slightly as he did the same. 

 _Wise men say only fools rush in_  
_But I can't help falling in love with you_  
_Shall I stay?_  
_Would it be a sin_  
_If I can't help falling in love with you?_

Josh noticed Tyler's eyes were closed, his face completely transformed in a sweet serenity as the golden words escaped his mouth and dove straight for Josh's soul. Everything inside Josh ached for Tyler, screamed for him, but Josh's body was frozen in infatuation. 

_Like a river flows surely to the sea_  
_Darling so it goes_  
_Some things are meant to be_  
_Take my hand, take my whole life too_  
_For I can't help falling in love with you_

Tyler was beautiful. Tyler was revolutionary. _Tyler was his._

_Like a river flows surely to the sea_  
_Darling so it goes_  
_Some things are meant to be_  
_Take my hand, take my whole life too_  
_For I can't help falling in love with you_  
_For I can't help falling in love with you..._

Josh listened in awe. That lilting, soft voice of Tyler's had become expressive, powerful and full of everything Josh loved about him. His dramatic eyes, his flawless notes, the captivating presence that dignified him as the leader, Josh the audience, hanging onto every word. Josh found himself in thrall of his voice, his personality.

Tyler finished with a slow C chord, letting out a sigh as he opened his eyes. The room descended into silence again, Tyler looking at Josh expectantly. Josh blinked.

"Oh," he breathed. 

Then, in one swift movement, he managed to pin Tyler down below him, his hands finding the smalls of Tyler's wrists as the ukulele lay discarded on the other end of the bed. "You're fucking perfect, miracle boy," he murmured, soaking in the feeling of Tyler rising and falling below him.

Tyler bit his lip, his eyes flashing. "You're the first person I've ever played to one on one," he said quietly, eyes trained on Josh. 

Josh grinned slightly. "I guess that makes me kind of special, huh."

"I guess it does." Tyler reached up and intertwined his finger with one of Josh's blue locks that fell over his forehead.

"I think you're really quite beautiful, Joshua," Tyler said, his voice low. Josh's lips practically pulsated as soon as Tyler's breath hit them, his lips brushing Josh's teasingly, until Josh quickly captured Tyler's mouth with his.

It was so good. It was always so good. Josh kissed him, and it felt like a culmination of everything he'd been keeping inside, although he wasn't entirely sure what that was. All he knew was that he wanted this, he needed this. He needed Tyler.

Josh caught his boyfriend's eye then, and Tyler was smiling, and that made Josh smile too, chuckling into the kiss. Josh abruptly stopped when the younger boy trailed his hands to where Josh's shirt was riding up, tracing patterns on his stomach as the kiss deepened. _Fuck_. Josh panted against Tyler's mouth, but he was only allowed a moment before he was being pulled back in. Tyler was good at this; Josh had figured that out on the very first night. He managed to reduce Josh to a flushed wreck every single time. But this time something had been lit under him, he could feel it - a sudden, devouring need to be closer. He felt like he was being pulled under by each sweep of Tyler's tongue against his bottom lip, each press of thumb against his hip.  Josh's mind drifted away as Tyler's tongue slid over his, their mouths surprisingly firm for being so new to this sensation of intimacy. Everything was still such a new concept for both of them, but nothing Josh had done in his life had ever felt this good.

Huh.

Josh pulled back for a moment then, manoeuvring them oh-so-carefully around until Tyler was sat on his chest. His hands slipped beneath the hem of Tyler's shirt, his fingers spreading across the small of his back. Time turned slow and thick, dripping from second to second.

"Is... is touching okay?" Josh breathed, his heart ratcheting up a notch as Tyler nodded. Tyler pulled away momentarily, eyes dark and cheeks pink, mouth red. Then he was saying Josh's name, mouths fitting together once again in a climax of desire. 

The stretch of Tyler's thighs where he straddled josh, the solidity of his back beneath Josh's hands, the look in Tyler's eyes as he rose above Josh; all of it was perfect, all of it was good.

"Josh." God, Josh would never get tired of hearing Tyler say his name like that. Like nothing else existed.

"Tyler," Josh said. "Ty." And then both his hands were skimming beneath his shirt, up his back. He pulled Tyler close and Tyler went eagerly, fitting their mouths together instinctively.

Josh had been so nervous at first, afraid that he wasn't enough, was too inexperienced. That he wouldn't be what Tyler wanted, not really, when all was said and done. He still got nervous, to be honest; they hadn't been together for that long. But everything Tyler had done, every touch and every word, pushed those fears away, wearing them down until there was only the ebb and flow of want between them.

Josh kissed Tyler. Josh was kissed by Tyler. Each touch of Tyler sunk into him, grounded him even as it sent the world spinning. Josh was drunk off it.

Neither of them noticed the door creak open until a voice flooded the room.

"Oh, here you guys are. My fucking parents came home early and they're outside and - oh. Oh, fuck." Pete's eyes widened immediately, and Josh growled in the back of his throat as Tyler reluctantly sat up, cheeks flushed. 

"Okay, yeah, we'll be right out," Tyler murmured, slowly scooting to the edge of the bed and pulling on his shoes as Josh sat up in shock.

"Uh, thanks. They said they'd be back tomorrow morning, and the house is a fucking mess. It, uh, it'd be great if you, you know..." Pete gestured towards the window, the awkwardness still clear in his tone. Josh half heartedly pulled on his high tops as Tyler nodded and smiled good-naturedly at Pete, pulling his hoodie back over his head. The younger boy was still prominent on Josh's breath, and he couldn't help the annoyance rising inside of him. Pete left shortly thereafter, and as soon as he was gone Tyler doubled over in a bout of-out of-control laughter. Josh watched him fondly, a smile curling at his own cheeks as he thought about the night they'd had.

 _God,_ _he was head over heels for this boy._

"Can you believe this? I'm finally getting proper ins with the boy I've had a crush on for forever, and in comes Pete Wentz to tell us to jump out the window because his parents are home." Tyler shook his head as he slid open the window, swinging one leg over before jumping out onto the lawn below. Josh followed in disbelief, stumbling to his feet while Tyler slid the pane back down. 

"Did you really just use the phrase 'proper ins' in a sentence?" Josh said breathlessly, his laugh escaping his pink lips and twisting in the air between them.

"I don't have to explain myself to you, Joshua." Tyler turned to him then, eyes dark in the moonlight, and Josh couldn't believe how much he had to touch him. He bundled the soft boy in his arms, lips soft against his forehead, then his cheek, then his lips. Tyler chuckled against his mouth, then pulled away suddenly, leaving Josh with his eyes closed and his lips wanting more. Tyler quickly grabbed his hand, seemingly as awake as always. "C'mon. I want to show you something before we go back," he said breathlessly, tugging Josh down the sidewalk.

"Wha-" Josh tried, but Tyler didn't reply. Josh managed to check his phone with his free hand as he stumbled down the opaque road, sighing at the time. Ten to one. His parents would be worried, and for a moment he was too. But then Tyler looked back at Josh, smiling reassuringly with his dimple puncturing his cheek, and Josh's heart skipped slightly.  _Breathtaking._

Tyler decided to break into a run then, and there was nothing Josh could do but follow him, although his legs were still shaky, heartbeat seemingly unable to calm down. Their footsteps echoed under the washed out glow of streetlights, and Tyler's hand was warm in Josh's. His black hoodie clung to him as they sprinted. 

Eventually they passed Tyler's own house, dark and silent in the early hour, and a few minutes later Tyler began to slow down. He hummed as they walked, tone biting into the quiet darkness, but Josh still felt his chest tighten. He ran his fingertips along Tyler's palm, still confused but not surprised at the boy's antics.

Soon enough, Tyler and Josh were standing at the entrance of a forest.

Tyler stopped humming suddenly. He was staring straight ahead into the shadowed woods, eyes glittering and alive. Josh turned to him anxiously. 

"Ty, it's late. I don't know-"

"It won't take long. I just wanna show you something," Tyler said, continuing to lead Josh into the trees.

"What are we doing here?"

"Shhh. You'll see. It's just... tonight feels like our night, you know? Just feels right. I mean, it always feels right with you, but..." Tyler shrugged nonchalantly before deciding to pick up his pace slightly and drag Josh faster. Josh stumbled along behind Tyler, his eyes drifting to the forest around him. All the trees looked identical, everything tinged with a thick mist of black. Josh could barely tell his left and right, and he swallowed as they delved deeper into the wood. The ground was damp and Josh could feel his breath around him in the night air.

And then they stumbled into a small clearing, separate from the rest of the trees, the ground carpeted in rotting leaves. In the middle stood a massive tree, bigger and thicker and more magnificent than the rest of them. On it was plaques of wood, formed perfectly to make a treehouse. 

A smile appeared on Josh's face as he looked up at it, feeling the loss of Tyler's hand.

"Cool, huh?" Tyler said, grinning.

"How'd you find it?" Josh asked, awestruck as he watched Tyler walk over to the ladder. 

"I went running one time when my dad was being a bit too much, and it was freezing cold, and I felt like my lungs were going to burst and my skin was going to fall off." Tyler walked away from the ladder, only a few steps from Josh as he looked out among the trees, body shaking a little. Tyler didn't even seem to notice. He never did.

"And then I fell to my knees," he said, his legs giving way as he landed on his knees, just like he had said.

"And then I screamed," Tyler breathed, " _is anybody out there?_ " and Tyler used every fibre of his voice, every ounce of energy he had. Josh watched as a distant array of birds flew up from the trees and into the sky. 

Tyler sat there for a moment, breathing. Then he got up and turned to face Josh.

"And then I opened my eyes, and there stood this magnificent treehouse." Tyler smiled, gesturing to it before he ran to it and began climbing up the ladder.

Josh stood staring for a moment, taken away with Tyler's existence.

"Coming up?" Tyler asked, looking down to Josh.

Josh looked at the ladder, swallowing as he took two steps towards it. Josh had a terrible fear of heights, and even though the treehouse wasn't very high at all, it was still enough to make him afraid.

Nevertheless, he decided to climb. Just for Tyler.

He gripped the ladder tightly, his palms sweating as he climbed it with shaky muscles. Tyler held out his hand, and Josh clutched it, breathing in relief when he made it to the top.

"You alright?" Tyler asked, squinting as he kneeled on the floor of the aged treehouse. 

"Yeah," Josh panted, "I'm just not that great with heights."

"Aw, I didn't know that," Tyler said, dusting his hands and getting up off the ground. "I didn't think you were scared of anything, Joshua."

Josh didn't answer. His eyes drifted, watching on as Tyler looked up to the sky, face tilted to the heavens.

And then. And then the two boys looked into the void from the floor of some random-as-fuck treehouse in some random-as-fuck forest. So many stars, it seemed like a celebration, a grand, illicit party the galaxy was holding after most humans had been put to bed. Josh was glad Tyler didn't try to sound knowledgable about constellations or say stupid stuff about wishing on stars. But he didn't quite know what to make of his silence, either.

Tyler slipped his hand into Josh's.

"The universe is so big," he told Josh. "I need something to hold on to."

"I'm here," said Josh.

Tyler's thumb rubbed the centre of Josh's palm. All his nerves concentrated there, alive to every moment of Tyler's skin on his.

There were so many minutes and hours and days Josh spent taking life for granted, not feeling it as much as going along with it. But then there were moments like this, when the aliveness of life was crystalline, palpable, undeniable. It was the ultimate buoy against drowning. It was his ever-saving grace. It was everything.  _Tyler_ was everything.

Tyler Joseph, with the universe flowing through his veins and wonder laced in his fucking beautiful smile and warmth radiating from his honey-hued skin. As Josh slowly raised Tyler's hand to his mouth, kissing each knuckle one by one, he realised he'd never loved anything more.

He never would.

"I love heights." Tyler said softly, voice finally edged with sleep. "It feels like I'm flying sometimes."

"Aren't you afraid you're going to fall?" Josh asked. Tyler opened his eyes, angling his face to run his eyes over Josh.

"I've already fallen." was all he said. 


	33. Tyler

Second period on a Monday morning. Tyler was leaning back in his seat and with his legs crossed under the table, feeling like his head was about to fucking explode. 

He was in a weird kind of mood - not that that was unusual. For one thing, he was utterly fucking exhausted. Not that that was unusual either. Even so, it had been almost dawn by the time Tyler had been able tear himself away from Josh and go home the previous night. Tyler's cheeks flushed at just the thought of it.

Josh had kissed him last night until his mouth was sore. He had kissed Tyler so much he felt it in every fibre of his being, every drop of blood flowing in his veins. He'd kissed Tyler until his mind was blank of everything except Josh's name. 

But as much as he loved being with Josh, he was glad he hadn't been there to see what went down at the Dun's house when Josh had stumbled home that morning. He knew how protective Josh's mom could be. Bottom line was, Josh's mom _cared_ when Josh wasn't home when he should've been. She was worried for his safety. And Tyler's mom... wasn't.

Tyler involuntarily tuned back into the lesson, eyes flicking across to Josh as time wore on. 

"I cannot stress enough how important it is that you all do well this term. This class covers a good majority of your grade." Tyler's english teacher was pacing the front of the room, her eyes scanning over the entire class. 

"But it's not all about your grade, of course. It's about life. Life is what it's all about, isn't it? In the main scheme of things, life is what all writing is centred around. And, consequently, a lot of writing out there is about the negativity of the world. The unfairness. The way we are all affected, and what we allow to affect us."

Tyler snorted. Loudly.

Did anyone really believe you could choose what you feel? Choose what to be affected by, and choose what not to be affected by?

 _If only,_ Tyler thought.

Then Josh nudged him slightly, frowning. Tyler's head shot up, and he realised that no one was saying anything. The entire class, including the teacher, was staring at him in silence. Tyler sunk down in his seat further, eyes burning into the desk in front of him. He knew he was acting like a child, knew that he needed to calm the fuck down about everything, but he didn't know how.

_Tyler Joseph to the office, that's Tyler Joseph to the office please._

The crackly speaker announcement made Tyler jump slightly. What could they possibly want with him? He frowned as he stood up slowly, carefully avoiding Josh's eye. Everyone continued staring as Tyler walked past, down the rows of desks in a deadlock with the rest of the world.

He accidentally slammed the door on his way out.

 _Great._ Tyler shoved his hands in his jacket pockets as he walked, trying desperately to figure out why he'd been called. Was there someone here for him? Had he done something? He walked slowly down the empty corridor, mind twisting anxiously until he reached the heavy oak doors of the office.

Tyler hated heavy doors. He always got Josh to open them for him.

When he arrived at the reception, the only person in the room was the secretary, Mr. Tennent. Tyler cleared his throat awkwardly and the man looked up, eyes wide. 

"Tyler Joseph?"

"Yeah?" Tyler swallowed.

"We just got a message from a Dr. Heaton. An urgent request to see you at his office at four o'clock tonight. It seems you've missed a few appointments." Mr. Tennent looked at Tyler over his glasses with a knowing expression, and Tyler just frowned, hands twisting together.

"I had to come here just to hear that?" 

"It's really not a message we wished to share over the loudspeaker, Mr. Joseph."

Tyler just nodded slightly, awkwardly, scuffing his shoe on the tiled floor. "Uh, okay. Can I go?"

Mr. Tennent paused. His wooden clock ticked unnervingly. "You understand the importance of the message, I'm sure."

"...yes?"

"Well. You may go."

Tyler was slightly confused on his way back to class, wrapped inside himself as the world went by around him. Maybe it was shitty of him to avoid his therapist, especially in his state, but it didn't really seem like something to be called to the office over. People rarely went to the office. Apart from Brendon, who was regularly there to repent for his sins or something. 

Tyler smiled slightly.

By the time he had made his way back to english, the bell sounded for the end of class. Josh was the first one to rush out, eyes scanning the hallway until his eyes fell on Tyler, standing by a group of lockers. Tyler didn't say anything as Josh walking straight up to him, eyes wide.

"Ty! What's up?"

Tyler shrugged half heartedly. Sometimes he was full of half hearted shrugs. Josh didn't relent though, and eventually Tyler looked up nervously, nudging Josh's shoe with his own. 

"It was nothing, really. My doctor just sent a message telling me to head over later." The last thing Tyler wanted was for Josh to worry, but he knew Josh would anyway.

The blue haired boy nodded, blowing air out between his cheeks as students flooded past them. "Everything okay?"

Tyler smiled tiredly, brushing his fingers over Josh's forehead and pushing his hair back slightly. "Yeah. I guess it is."

_I guess. I guess. I guess._

\-----------------

By lunch, Tyler was done with the day. He'd been drifting to each class in a haze of enervation, not entirely sure if he was really even awake. All he wanted was to curl up in Josh's room and never leave the safety and warmth of his bed, of Josh. 

Tyler tiredly headed over to his usual group when he'd entered the cafeteria, drained after a chemistry test which he was certain he'd flunked in. Josh and most of the others were already seated, and Tyler caught snippets of their conversation before they all abruptly fell quiet.

"Josh, c'mon. You have to admit he's been pretty on and off lately."

"He's-" Josh cut off quickly, a guilty look flooding his face as he spotted Tyler.

Tyler sat down slowly beside him without saying a word, eyes trained on the table. Scared of what he'd see if he looked up. 

"Oh, Tyler, hi. I just... you know I didn't mean..."

Pete's voice was soft and gentle. Blurryface snorted.

_It's hard to deny it when even your own friends think you're fucking insane, isn't it?_

Tyler tried as hard as he could to brush away Blurryface's words, but today they stuck with him, gnawed at him. He suddenly had the odd feeling of a hand resting on his throat, tightening with every word out of Blurry's mouth. It was like the time when he was with his father, but it was stronger now, dominating his mind, and Tyler couldn't get rid of it. He brought a hand of his own up to rub at his neck harshly, but the sensation refused to fade.

Why couldn't Tyler just have this? Why couldn't he simply enjoy a cafeteria lunch with his friends on a Monday afternoon? Why must he endure this battle with himself, over and over again?

"Tyler?" 

That was when Tyler was acutely aware of the hum of the cafeteria, could feel the eyes of what felt like a stadium upon him. His hand fell to rest on his leg. Blurryface grinned.

_It'll be okay, Tyler. There there. I'm here._

"No," Tyler said, voice quiet and shaky. They all thought he was talking to them.

No one had time to say anything else before Tyler got up from the table and left, his food left untouched. He knew Josh would follow him. He hated himself for being pathetic enough to need it.

As soon as Tyler had found a seat near the back of the cafeteria, Josh slid in beside him. Like routine. Like clockwork. He looked at Tyler with wide eyes, worrying his lip. "I thought Pat was lying when he said you looked rough before," he said, eying the red marks on Tyler's neck. "What happened to you, Ty?" His voice was trying to be calm, but Tyler could hear the fractures, could feel him gluing the calmness together. Tyler wanted to say _I need you._ But he didn't.

"What was Pete saying before?" Tyler bluntly avoided Josh's question, frowning.

Josh sighed. "He's just worried, Ty-"

"Why?"

There was pause, and an uneasiness within it that Tyler hated. 

"Tyler, why have you been ignoring your doctor?" Josh asked quietly.

Tyler looked up at Josh nervously, snapping at the band on his wrist. "You think I'm gonna run again, don't you?"

"Tyler-"

But Tyler interrupted him, inching closer as his trembling hands met Josh's pale cheeks, eyes pleading. "Josh, I'm really sorry if I've been... you know... off again. I don't want to be. I don't even realise it sometimes. And, I don't know, it just sucks that you guys are all noticing because, _God_ , I hate it. I'm just... I'm doing the best I can."

Josh shook his head, absentmindedly grabbing Tyler's hand. "Nothing's your fault, Ty. You've got nothing to be sorry for. I know how hard it is on you, and I am so fucking proud of you. Okay? You're going to be fine. I just... that's all I want."

The bell sounded just then, reverberating dully in the air between them. Josh faltered, but Tyler didn't move. Instead, he just leant forward and kissed Josh. Hard, so he knew he meant it. Tyler didn't even care who saw them right then because _damn was this boy beautiful_. He was so, so beautiful, and as Tyler's heart tried to escape from his chest cavity and make a run for it, he realised he'd never be able to get enough. Josh made Tyler think, even when he didn’t feel like thinking, even when he was too lazy to pay attention. He let Tyler bleed on him and bleed on him and bleed on him. He never minded. He wanted to know why he was bleeding. He wondered what he could do to heal the wound. 

Tyler loved him. He loved him as best he could.

Josh smiled nervously. "And so the carousel of confusion continues," he said under his breath.

\---------------

Dr Heaton had a new painting in his office.

It was a nice colourful abstract. The reds and oranges and greens and yellows all mixed and swirled into each other. Tyler watched the colours unravel, dripping down from the wall and landing straight into his chaotic mind.

"How have you been this week, Tyler?" Dr Heaton had his notebook in his lap, his fingers still and unmoving beside it. Tyler had never seen him with his fingers moving or kneading. Tyler couldn't understand how he did it.

"It's been okay," Tyler replied dully.

"You never got back to me after you're school rang me a couple of weeks ago. You want to tell me what happened?" Dr Heaton's voice was calm and even, eyes placid. Tyler swallowed.

"Uh. I just... I was in the bathroom to take my medication and I guess I didn't react very well. I went home afterwards." Tyler shrugged. He brought his hands up to his neck without thinking, then quickly dropped them. Tyler knew his doctor noticed, but he didn't press it. 

"Okay. I see. Have you been taking your meds at the required times, Tyler?" Dr. Heaton asked, switching from crossing his right leg over his left to the other way round.

"I lost them," Tyler replied simply. His phone buzzed in his pocket.

His doctor just stared at him for a moment in the silent room, considering. Then he picked up his pen and wrote a few words down.

"And how has your family been? Have you been home at all?" Dr. Heaton glanced up knowingly, studying Tyler's reaction. 

"Yeah. Some nights." Tyler yawned. "When my dad's not there."

Dr Heaton paused writing, looking at Tyler with wide dark eyes. Tyler thought his eyes were nice. They complimented his dark skin. "Yes. That... that's understandable."

Tyler nodded absently. He was having trouble focusing. He was restless, and he knew Blurryface was in the room, with his starving eyes and shadowed features. He was getting under Tyler's skin more and more lately. Settling there. It never really used to bother Tyler like this, mostly because he was good at being able to shut things out. But, as he was realising, just because they were shut out didn't mean they were going to go away.

"Tyler?" 

"Yes?"

"I'll try to sort out some new medication for you. You do know this is all to help you, right?"

Tyler blinked. "Yeah. Yeah." _I know. I fucking know._

"Okay. Just... try to stay in contact. Have you had any more nightmares?"  
  
Tyler shrugged. "Not really. It's been kind of okay."

"That's good to hear, Tyler," Dr Heaton said, smiling gently. He rubbed at his face and closed his notebook, clearly exhausted. "Keep in touch from now on, yeah?"

"Uh, yeah." Tyler nodded as he stood up, feeling torn open in a way he couldn't explain. He had more to talk about, so much more shit he longed to get out into the open, but he wasn't really in the mood to stick around. He wished he was, so he could stop feeling like such a bitch.

The painting dripped.

Tyler sat alone on the bus ride back home. It was a humid Ohio night, the air thick and the bus filled with bodies and sound and _life._ Tyler felt indescribably distanced from it all as he untangled his headphones and put them in his ears, sighing and looking out the window as cars rushed past. He could feel that same heaviness inside him, that unclean feeling that dwelled, coalesced in his throat. He spent several minutes with his hand covering his neck, nails digging into fragile flesh, trying to get rid of hands that weren't even fucking there. 

He played Josh's mix all the way to his stop.

Tyler spent that evening shut in his room, working on piecing together a lyric that had been sitting inside him all day while his mind disintegrated into a puddle of being and nothingness. 

His father wasn't home.

 _And then I felt chills in my bones_  
_The breath I saw was not my own_  
_I knew my skin that wrapped my frame_  
_Wasn't made to play this game..._


	34. Josh

In the past few days, it had become increasingly difficult for Josh to get Tyler out of his mind.

Was he worried about him? Josh sighed. Sort of. He knew it wasn't exactly out of the ordinary for Tyler to be 'on and off,' but he'd begun to notice things about Tyler every so often that indicated a more serious mood change; fidgeting, shifty eyes, anxious expressions. Red, puffy eyes and nose sometimes in the hallway. Repeating the same songs for hours on Spotify at 3am. Stuttering. Looking at Josh for reassurance. All those "I'm glad you're alive" texts from their friends.

Josh realised how unconsciously protective he had gotten over this boy. How he'd always search his eyes in the hallway and in class, make sure he was doing okay, whisper sweet nothings to try to help him through it. He would go out of his way to make sure Tyler was comfortable.

They relied on each other.

Josh thought about this as he microwaved his second Hotpocket. He was home alone, having only just gotten up from the couch he had fallen asleep on the moment he'd arrived home. He'd lost more sleep in the last week than he had in his entire life, especially last night. He didn't think he'd slept at all last night; he was so caught up in being with Tyler. He yawned and looked around his kitchen blankly before checking the time on his phone; 6:05pm. He smiled at the candid picture of Tyler waiting for him on his lock screen. It was a soft picture of the younger boy's profile that Josh had snuck as the two of them had walked to Taco Bell together one time, and Josh was in awe of it. His thumbs hovered for a moment, mind drifting as he opened a text from Pete.

 **Pete:** _hey joshua_

 **me:** _hey peter_

 **Pete:** _what's goooooood_

 **me:** _tyler :)_

 **Pete:** _!!! fuckin adorable man_

 **Pete:** _is your bf with you??_

 **me:** _not right now_

 **Pete:** _y'know,_ _i always knew u were gay, joshua_

Josh snorted.

 **me:** _is that right??_

 **Pete:** _i picked it up on my fully functional gaydar ;)_

 **me:** _wow i beg to differ_

 **Pete:**   _:( I can't believe you would betray me like this Joshie_

_**Pete:**  also make sure you look after tyler_

The microwave beeped briefly, but Josh left the Hotpocket where it sat as he considered his reply.

 **me:** _i will. he's just having a rough time lately, y'know?_

 **me:** _im gonna call him now though_

 **Pete:**   _okay, say hi from uncle pete ;)_

Josh snorted as he slid his phone onto the table, turning to remove his Hotpocket from the warmth of the microwave. He was suddenly incredibly aware of the silence in the room as he headed over to the table with is meal in hand. He scrolled through his music lazily sat at the table, then selected 'If I Ain't Got You." Tyler had introduced him to the Maroon 5 cover one late night as they shared earplugs, looking out at the stars. Josh pictured Tyler's quiet voice singing along as they sat curled under Josh's comforter, and he sighed audibly.

It didn't take long for Josh to get out his phone and press on Tyler's name, putting it on speaker as the song soaked every inch of the room. Tyler answered on the third ring.

"Josh?"

Josh smiled at the familiar, soft tone.

"Hey, Ty. How'd it go?" Josh poked at his Hotpocket, then nibbled at it absentmindedly. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah. Yeah, it went okay." Josh sensed something behind Tyler's voice, something uneasy, and he frowned.

"Ty? You want to come over?"

Tyler sighed from his end of the phone. "I don't know if my mom will let me."

Josh frowned again, knowing it had never stopped him before. "Then I'm coming to yours."

Silence.

"Josh-"

"What?"

"...Okay." Tyler paused for a moment, and Josh waited for him to continue. "I love that song," Tyler added quietly, and there was a slight smile in his words that made Josh grin.

"I know you do. See you in a few." Josh shoved his phone back in his pocket, humming to himself as he finished his Hotpocket and pulled on a Fighting Eagles sweatshirt. 

It was still quite light outside, and it wasn't too cold, so Josh decided to walk. He locked up and shoved his hands in his pockets, his blue hair curling over his forehead as he made his way down his street to Tyler's. He knew the way there pretty well by now, and he guessed it would only take him about thirteen minutes at his pace.  

As soon as he arrived, Josh found Tyler sitting on the edge of the road, thankful that he wasn't in the middle of it this time. He had a journal in his lap and a pen in his hand, and Josh watched him scribble across the page like nothing else existed.

He looked like an addict. An addict with a pen.

"Hey," Josh said when he was close enough. He took Tyler in, admiring his white button up littered with flowers, his ripped jeans. Real sweet-like, Josh thought.

Tyler glanced up, smiling slightly. "Hi."

"What are you doing?" Josh sat down next to Tyler, and Tyler just stared at his notebook in silence. Josh leant over slightly, and Tyler didn't object.

Josh's eyes drifted over the page, smiling at the small drawings Tyler had created, all with the same pen ink. It was such a dark colour, and it contrasted perfectly with the white and worn out pages. Josh's eyes fell on a half-finished doodle of an alien on a skateboard, adorned in a backwards snapback and knee socks.

"Is that me?" Josh asked, amused.

Tyler's cheeks warmed, and he nodded. "Yeah. And that's gonna be me." He pointed to the beginning strokes of a small skeleton trailing behind, beanie loose and jaw set in a perpetual grin.

Josh's heart felt filled to the brim as he wrapped an arm around Tyler, pressuring a soft kiss to his temple. "I love it. So much."

Tyler just closed his eyes, eyelashes falling gently on rose-dusted cheeks. Josh's eyes rested on him for a moment, then trailed back over the notebook. He frowned as he noticed a small scribbling of words on the page following the drawings, partially covered with Tyler's hand. He gently nudged it aside, taking in the couple of verses curiously.

 _The air begins to feel a little thin_  
_As I start the car and then I begin_  
_To add the miles piled up behind me_  
_I barely feel a smile deep inside me_

 _And I begin to envy the headlights driving south_  
_I want to crack the door so I can just fall out_  
_But then I remember when you packed my car_  
_You reached in the back and buckled up your heart..._

Josh traced the words with his finger tips, looking to Tyler with a furrowed brow. Tyler's eyes lingered on the page, and he chewed his lip absent-mindedly. "It's just something I've been working on," he said softly. He was snapping at the band on his wrist, and Josh grabbed his hand to stop him, linking fingers gently through.

Tyler looked completely worn out.

"C'mon, Ty. I'm sure your mom will be fine with you coming over. I'll make you a Hotpocket at home, okay?" Josh looked at him hopefully, and Tyler simply sighed.

"Tyler. I know you sleep better when I'm with you," Josh said softly, smiling a little.

Tyler didn't seem to have the strength to argue. He just held out a hand to indicate Josh helping him up, then walked silently back up the road with Josh, hugging his notebook to his chest.

\-------------

The walk back home felt longer to Josh - mostly because about halfway through he'd insisted Tyler get on his back instead of walking. Tyler had refused at first, but eventually he gave in, his small weight finding a comfortable position on Josh's back. And as nice as it had been for Josh to carry the doe-eyed boy in the warm evening air, he was glad when the path to his home came into view. He hoisted Tyler up further as they reached the front door, dusk dusting the neighborhood in a soft shadow.

"Want me to get down?" Tyler asked, chin resting on Josh's shoulder.

"No," Josh said softly. "But can you pass me the keys? Back left pocket."

Tyler leant forward when he had the keys in his hand and opened the door instead, the two of them stumbling into Josh's warm home.

"What do you want to eat, Ty?" Josh asked as he walked into the kitchen, finally setting Tyler down on the countertop with gentle precision. Tyler looked at him imploringly, crinkling his nose.

"I'll just have a Hotpocket. As long as you have beef taco." Tyler smiled teasingly, and Josh rolled his eyes.

"Of course I have beef taco, what do you take me for?" He got to work quickly, removing the meal from the packet and shoving it on a plate before he set it in the microwave. As soon as it began to hum, Josh went over to where Tyler was sitting on the countertop and placed a soft kiss on his forehead that made Tyler sigh audibly. Josh placed his hands either side of the younger boy's legs, standing between them while he let the food heat up. Tyler hands wound themselves into Josh's hair, running through the strands, tugging when he reached knots.

“That feels good,” Josh murmured, tilting his head slightly.

“Yeah? Don’t get used to this kind of treatment,” Tyler replied, lips curling slightly.

“Even though I cook for you?”

“Joshua, you put a Hotpocket in the microwave.”

“One day, I’ll cook you three course meals every day and I’ll expect this treatment on a daily basis.”

Tyler rolled his eyes, and the second his hands dropped Josh looked up, frowning.

“Don’t stop,” he whined.

Tyler chuckled, but continued running his fingers through Josh's hair. Josh closed his eyes when Tyler began kneading his fingers into his scalp, but soon Tyler stopped again. Josh opened his mouth to speak, but closed it abruptly when Tyler lifted Josh's chin to look him in the eye. Josh waited for him to say something, but he didn't. He just looked at Josh.

And looked.

And looked...

His eyes were soft yet vigorous. Josh looked back, and right then it felt like he'd been granted with... possibility. He looked out from his own world and stepped into Tyler's, not really knowing what he'd find there, but knowing it would be something good. He stepped into Tyler's world and didn't even realise his loneliness was missing. He'd left it behind, and he didn't notice because he had no desire to turn back.

He kept his eye on Tyler.

The microwave interrupted them just then, and Josh reluctantly broke Tyler's gaze, turning away to remove the Hotpocket as Tyler jumped off the counter. With the plate in one hand and Tyler's hand in his other, he made his way up the stairs and across the landing to his awaiting room. 

Tyler fell tiredly onto Josh's rumpled comforter like a rag doll as the two of them entered. Josh watched on amusedly as he buried his face in the fabric and breathed in deeply, eventually looking up to scope out his meal. The younger boy ate slowly while Josh closed his window, making sure to leave the curtains wide open like always. He liked being able to wake up and see the moon and stars outside. He liked being able to sit and look at the void with Tyler, mostly.

"I want to get fairy lights," Josh said out of the blue, looking around his room. Tyler tilted his head in reply, breaking off another piece of microwaved pastry and putting it in his mouth.

"Why?"

"Just think it'd be cool. Easier to see you at night," Josh teased, and Tyler rolled his eyes as he finished his Hotpocket, putting the plate on Josh's bedside table. He was quick to slip off his shoes soon after, shimmying out of his jeans and mumbling soft words for one of Josh's T-shirts. Josh could barely tear his eyes away from the boy as he fumbled in his closet for a too-big Thrasher shirt.

"Do you even skate?" Tyler muttered teasingly as he unbuttoned his own shirt and pulled Josh's over his head. 

Josh simply poked him in the ribs in reply, still in awe of the essence of Tyler. His breath sort of hitched, tight in his chest, bones tingling from Tyler's angelic features. Tyler just ran a hand through his honey-hued hair, completely oblivious as he crossed his legs on the edge of Josh's bed.

"You're cute," Josh said softly, stepping forward and swiping his thumb gently across Tyler's nose.

"Ew." Tyler crinkled his nose, shoving Josh playfully.

"Do you wanna dance?" Josh asked randomly, taking Tyler's hands and pulling him up to stand. Tyler rolled his eyes as Josh pulled him closer. 

"I don't dance."

"I know you can." Josh couldn't resist the reference, and Tyler chuckled as he gave in to Josh's pleas.

And then. And then the two boys swayed together in the dusk light, Tyler's caramel-tinted arms draped lazily around Josh's neck. And Josh... well, as he soaked up Tyler's soft eyes and chocolate hair and oversized T-shirt falling to his mid thigh that barely obscured his boxers, he couldn't believe how lucky he was.

"Play that song," Tyler mumbled.

Josh didn't have to ask to clarify which song Tyler meant. He picked up his phone and scrolled through it with his free hand, quickly finding "If I ain't got you." Josh spun the smaller boy then, slowly and lazily, before tightening him once again against his chest.

"I love this song," Tyler said, his voice muffled against Josh's T-shirt.

"Me too," Josh said, his voice muffled in Tyler's his hair.

 _Some just want everything_  
_But everything means nothing_  
_If I ain't got you..._

Josh eventually came to the realisation that neither of them were moving anymore. Just holding each other, intoxicated with closeness in the middle of Josh's bedroom - but, but no. Not Josh's. Josh felt like it had gotten to the point where this room was just as much Tyler's as it was his. It didn't feel right when Tyler wasn't there. Empty. Incomplete. Tyler peeked up at Josh a little, pressing a soft kiss to his jaw as the song reached a swelling climax.

Josh couldn't help being shaky and awestruck just then. He had never, ever felt this intimacy with anyone before. This complete trust, more trust than he'd ever had for anyone in his life, including himself. The two of them were made of midnight conversations, of X-Files marathons where Josh would never shut up, of after school Taco Bell runs, of sweaters that Tyler looked so much better in, of being utterly intertwined in all senses of the word.  

Josh thought that their first true recognition was their mutual hesitation, their own needs to be gradual. He couldn't believe it. He was afraid. Every time you loved someone, you put not just your faith in them, but your faith in everything to the test. Josh didn't know if he was ready for that. 

But when he looked down at the heavenly human in his arms, eyes filled with sleep and cheeks filled with warmth, he realised he'd never been ready for anything more.

The song faded to an end. Josh felt strangely vacant when it did. 

"Let's sleep." Tyler could barely mumble out the words as he yawned, backing clumsily towards the bed. Josh smiled and walked over to flick the light off while Tyler cuddled beneath the comforter. 

Josh was right about Tyler falling asleep quickly with him. It hadn't been 5 minutes, and the soft boy was already on the brink of unconsciousness, his head tucked into the crook of Josh's neck and his hand tracing Josh's shoulder.

"I never really thought you were gay," Josh said quietly. He'd definitely hoped it, but he never used to let himself get past that.

Tyler shrugged. Half of Tyler's sentences seemed to be shrugs.

"What does that mean?" Josh whispered.

"I don't know," Tyler said, eyes closed. "I guess I never thought much about what I was. I really try not to think sometimes."

"About being gay?"

"About anything." Tyler paused. "I make lists of things not to think about."

"Why?"

"Because," Tyler said, "It hurts to think about things you can't have or help. S'better not to think about it."

Josh rubbed his thumb back and forth on the back of Tyler's hand. "Was I ever on your list?"

Tyler laughed and shook his head, his hair brushing against Josh's chin. "Fat chance. Trying not to think about you... s'like trying not to think about an elephant that's standing on my chest."

Josh thought about that. About Tyler thinking about him. He reached out and carefully pushed Tyler's hair back off his forehead. Tyler's hair was thicker than Josh's own, and curlier, and it shone golden in the moonlight. 

"Don't do that," Tyler mumbled.

Josh frowned, confused. "Why?"

"Because it really makes me want to kiss you." With that, Tyler pushed up and let his tired lips fall on Josh's, breathing softly.

It was so good.

It had been so good every time.

Josh loved kissing Tyler. He had never wanted to kiss anyone but Tyler. And Tyler was good at it; he did this nice thing with his chin. Moving it up and down. Tilting his head. Josh didn't try to mimic him. He just let him go. 

Tyler pulled away slightly as Josh's adoration peaked, settling back on Josh's shoulder. "See, look what you made me do. You gotta be careful now, Joshua."

"Why?" Josh repeated, adjusting himself so Tyler was more comfortable. If he could make Tyler happy, even for just the next second, next minute, next hour... maybe it would be enough.

That was it, Josh thought. He didn't have to be perfect. All he had to be was enough. All he had to worry about was the next second.

"Because everything you do makes me want to kiss you. Haven't you worked that out yet?" Tyler pressed sleepy kisses up Josh's neck, and Josh shivered with infatuation.

"I'm that irresistible?" he teased.

"What you are is a tragedy, Joshua Dun. You literally couldn't be a bigger mess." Tyler seemed ready to leave it at that, breath slowing to the brink of no return, but Josh persisted.

"And you like that?"

"I love it," Tyler murmured. 

"Why?"

Tyler smirked. He traced Josh's cheek, all soft lines and blurry edges, and he was absolutely fucking beautiful.

"Because we match."

 


	35. Tyler

There were moments when time didn't exist.

Well, maybe it did exist, but it didn't matter. That's what it felt like to Tyler, at least, as he lay there in Josh's bed early on Tuesday morning. He always woke up first, which he was glad about; it gave him time to stare at Josh, soak him up more and more and more, until he couldn't stop himself from brushing his hand over the soft curls falling over the older boy's forehead, tracing down his cheeks and jaw. Tyler did just that, smiling lightly as Josh stirred a little at the touch. His eyes rested a moment longer on Josh's heavenly features, his heart speeding up involuntarily as he glanced over Josh's lips, his bare chest. He scooted closer, impossibly closer. His lips met softly at the corner of Josh's lips, and suddenly there were arms wrapping themselves tightly around him.

Neither of them said a word. The world had so many words in it, Tyler thought. The sound of the rain was all they needed.

Tyler let himself breathe slowly, in and out in a rhythm of _alivealivealive_. Josh didn't stir any further, and Tyler held onto the moment as tightly as he could. He held onto the only thing that could make him feel inherently safe.

"Should we get up?" Tyler murmured.

Josh exhaled deeply as he pulled Tyler onto him, peppering the blushing boy's cheeks with soft kisses. Tyler adored the feeling, adored the soft hum Josh was emitting.

"We got all the time in the world," Josh whispered.

"Let's not go to school." Tyler sighed wishfully into Josh's warm skin.

Josh grinned in his soft, yet shark-like way. "Yeah. School is for losers."

"We're the biggest losers, Joshua."

Josh pouted in mock outrage. "We are _not_ losers."

"Whatever you say, loser." Tyler giggled and rolled out of bed, stretching as his tired eyes focused on the wet world outside. He was glad it was raining; he might be able to convince Josh to drive the two of them to school instead of having to walk. Tyler didn't understand Josh's obsession with walking - if he'd been allowed to, he would have used his dad's car every day.

Tyler could feel Josh's eyes on him as he slipped on his jeans, fluffed up his hair. Studying. Calculating. Eventually he turned around to face Josh, the blue-hued boy still wrapped in the comforter.

"You're staring, Joshua."

A smile ghosted Josh's face quickly. "Yeah. Sorry." He got up slowly, a little distracted as he pulled on his NASA shirt. "Just really love it when you're happy, that's all."

Tyler stopped moving for a second. And in that second he felt, _really_ felt, himself falling for Josh even more. 

"Oh," he said.

"Yeah," Josh said. "Oh."

They ate breakfast together like routine. Like clockwork. The way they sat right next to each other, their elbows bumping when the tried to have a sip of coffee at the same time but refused to move away or switch positions. The way Josh rested his hand above Tyler's in between spoonfuls of cereal, and Tyler accidentally snorted at the sappy action, coughing violently because he may have just snorted actual coffee.

And Tyler let himself think that thought again, just for a moment.

Maybe he could do this. Maybe he could make a life out of this. 

\---------------

That day went by quickly. Tyler finished a history assignment last period, and before he knew it he was waiting on the steps outside the school with Jenna. Josh was taking an age to get out of his last class, and Tyler was waiting so they could go to Taco Bell. It was quite a warm afternoon, a slight breeze ruffling Tyler's hair and causing his flannel to gently flap open. Tyler watched Mikey and Pete head to the gates together, joking and smiling. He watched as Patrick trailed a few paces behind them, earphones buried deep in his ears. Tyler caught his eye and smiled, and Patrick returned the gesture half-heartedly. Tyler frowned a little when Patrick looked away. _What the hell was going on with-_

"Hey," Jenna said.

Tyler angled his head lazily to look at her, picking at a loose hang nail. "Hey." 

"Uh, tell me how you and Josh are going." Jenna said softly, scooting over closer to talk.

Tyler's heart skipped a beat at the mention of Josh's name. "Good, I think." Tyler ran his fingers through his hair, focused on the emptying school gates. He liked the familiarity of it.

What was with him holding onto familiarity, all of a sudden? 

"You think?" Jenna prompted.

"Well, I've never really been in a relationship before. So I don't really know how it all goes." Tyler shrugged.

"You're blushing," Jenna said softly. Tyler held a palm to his cheek, noticing the warmth in his skin.

"So I am," he said.

Jenna looked out at the passing students, waving at someone she recognised. Then she smiled softly. Sadly. "I guess I sort of knew."

"Oh?"

Jenna laughed. "Well, at least since the end of last year when you insisted we ask him to come with us to Taco Bell when you'd only just met him, then almost cried when he had something on."

"I did not!" Tyler protested, his cheeks red. He knew he did. He totally did.

"Right." Jenna said, disbelieving. "I was starting to wonder whether you'd ever figure it out. You have figured it out, haven't you?"

Tyler felt himself smiling and blushing, not for the first time that day. Not for the fiftieth. "Yeah..."

And then Brendon headed over and sat down on the other side of Tyler, sighing and sitting his bag on his knees. "How long does it fucking _take_..."

Tyler smirked. "You waiting for Ryan?"

"Yeah. He's in graphics with Josh. They always keep them in over time. It's stupid." Brendon sighed again, checking the time on his phone.

Tyler decided to use this moment to set things straight. He turned to Brendon, chewing his lip. "Uh, Bren, I'm sorry for being... off yesterday."

"Oh, don't be," Brendon told him immediately, his face kind. "But please... don't feel like you can't talk to any of us, okay?"

Tyler smiled at him nervously. "Thanks, man."

Jenna leant forward then, a grin plastered on her face. "Brendon, do you remember that time last year when Tyler cr-"

"I did _not_ cry!" Tyler protested, hiding his face with his hands. 

Brendon snorted. "Oh yeah. Was that when Josh was couldn't go out with Tyler? That was hilarious. Josh was upset too. None of the rest of us understood why it was a big deal."

Brendon had known Josh longer than Tyler had. He had gone to the same middle school as Josh, and they had been friends all through freshman year, until Tyler met Josh mid way through sophomore. Of course Brendon and Josh were still friends, but Tyler had long surpassed Brendon for the position of best friend. 

Brendon smiled a little, like he knew what Tyler was thinking. "You know, when Josh felt really sad, he used to walk around that old music shop in downtown-"

"The one that closed down last year?"

"The very one." Brendon grinned. "He spent hours in there, talking to the owners, browsing through old vinyls. That's when we were like, twelve. And he had just gotten his first pair of drumsticks, and he took them everywhere he went."

Tyler looked down, rubbing his shoe along the step. "God, that's so cute," he murmured.

Brendon snorted, nudging Tyler's side. Jenna laughed too. Tyler grinned down at his lap, glad for the distraction his friends were providing.

 _Distraction from what?_ he thought to himself, almost angrily. _Why do I have to be like this all the time?_

And then Ryan burst out of the double doors and ran to Brendon with his jacket flying, grabbing the brunet's hand and tugging him up. "Shit, I'm so sorry. C'mon Bren, we're gonna be so - oh. Hey Tyler. Hey Jenna."

Tyler looked up. "Uh, hey-" But Ryan was already dragging Brendon to the bus stop, his bag slipping down his back as he ran. 

"Ty?"

Tyler turned again, and there was Josh, smiling apologetically with his low sweats and blue hair and NASA shirt. "Sorry. I didn't know they were going to keep us in for so long. Ryan's annoyed because he and Brendon are almost missing their shift at the music shop."

"They work there?"

"Yeah. They stack CD's." Josh smiled at Tyler's surprised expression, huffing dramatically."I know, they totally stole our slot. Taco Bell?"

\--------------

Taco Bell was almost full, crammed mostly with blank-eyed students. There were lots from Tyler's school, all sitting around with iced coffees and talking.

The walk there had been mostly spent in silence, and Tyler could tell that Jenna had been a little uncomfortable. He wasn't really surprised when she spotted Ashley across the restaurant when they arrived and went to talk to her instead. Tyler thought he heard Josh sigh in relief; or maybe he was just breathing in the sweetened smell of seasoned meat product.

"Chalupas?" Tyler asked.

"You know it." 

They stood in line together, and Josh was telling Tyler about something that had gone on in graphics, and he seemed consumed by it. His eyes were alight, small crinkles forming in the soft skin, and Tyler melted. Without thinking, he started to let his head rest against Josh's - and  Josh in turn immediately jerked his head up, only just missing Tyler's nose in the process. Tyler pulled his torso back. "Jesus, Josh."

Josh's cheeks were flushed, and he looked away. "It's just..." he pressed on Tyler's shoulder.

"It's just what?"

Josh squinted slightly. The 80's themed lights reflected in his hair perfectly. "Just... they... you..."

"Use your words, Joshua."

"They'll know we're... _together_."

Tyler frowned. "Who?"

"...everyone."

Tyler rolled his eyes. "Josh, you're actually, literally the only thing I have to lose. So as long as doing gay stuff in public doesn't make you hate me, I really don't care."

Josh stared at him for a moment. Then he smiled and ducked his head away, threading his fingers through Tyler's just the same.

When their food was ready, the two of them maneuvered their way to a table near the back of the restaurant that they had unofficially claimed by scratching their initials on the underside of the table the previous year. They rarely sat anywhere else. Tyler looked around at the beautiful oasis, with it's fake plants and 80's decor. There was something oddly settling about Taco Bell.

Or maybe it was because he always went with Josh.

Josh. Tyler glanced up at the boy seated across from him, and found Josh fully immersed in the song playing on the radio, humming contentedly as he ate his taco.

_Hey baby won't you look my way, I can be your new addiction..._

Josh mouthed the words softly to Tyler, and Tyler smiled at Josh a little, pushing at his unopened meal.

Tyler didn't know how Josh noticed that his smile wasn't all there, but evidently he did. The older boy leaned over the table slightly, studying Tyler with gentle mocha eyes. "Hey, you okay?"

Tyler sighed a little, looking down at his food and nodding. "Yeah. Just thinking."

Slowly, Josh reached across and grabbed Tyler's hand from across the table. Tyler knew some sophomore kids were watching, but he didn't care.

"Whatever it is that's going through that pretty little head of yours, well, you can't hide it from me," Josh murmured.

Tyler felt himself soften. "It's nothing, Just... my mom said that my dad hasn't been home since... you know..."

Josh nodded slightly, waiting for Tyler to go on. 

"Apparently he hasn't even called her. She doesn't deserve this, you know?" Tyler unwrapped his chalupa, listening to the perfect crunch of the shell as he took a bite, sauce and meat threatening to overflow all over the waxy paper.

"Oh." Josh frowned a little, tracing circles over Tyler's free hand. "Is your mom okay?"

Tyler snorted. "She's never been okay."

Josh looked up at Tyler with wide mocha eyes. His hair was curling over his forehead in perfect, lazy waves, and Tyler just stopped himself leaning over and brushing it away. 

He knew Blurryface was in there. He was waiting, and Tyler could feel him etched in his fucking bones, but he ignored him. He focused on Josh. On Josh only. 

He knew it never used to be this hard to stay on top.

Tyler suddenly realised he was staring. "I want to take you out one day. What movies do you like?" he said softly.

Josh grinned. "Anything."

"But probably a nice one, right? A Josh-ish one, with limited deaths and a decent ending."

Josh rolled his eyes. "Why does no one believe I'm a cynic?"

"Hmm." Tyler laughed.

Josh picked up his chalupa, smiling a little. "I like no endings," he murmured. "I like things that don't end."

Blurryface snorted. Tyler just grinned.

_It started with a whisper..._

\-----------------

Tyler's dad wasn't home when he got back. Maybe he was glad. Maybe he was something else.

His mom wasn't home, either. His siblings were having microwaved meals in front of the TV.

"Hey," he said, putting his bag down by the couch.

Madison sat up from her position, looking up. Her expression calmed when she saw it was Tyler. "Oh. Hey Tyler." she gestured to the kitchen. "Mom said she'd be home later tonight. You can reheat stuff from the freezer if you're hungry."

Tyler shook his head, shoving his phone, keys and wallet into his pocket. "I've already eaten. Will you guys be okay here if I head out later?"

Madison rolled her eyes, turning back to the TV.

"Aren't we always?"


	36. Josh

Josh sat tiredly on the front steps of his house, clutching his water bottle as he looked out over the street. He did that a lot after a run. If he had time. Today he had time. On Friday's he always had time.

He didn't know why he'd decided to go for a run that day. He hadn't for months, but that Friday afternoon he'd had a sudden urge to just get out and  _move_. He'd found his brother after school and the two of them had headed off in the late afternoon sun, just running and running until they reached the 7-11. Josh had bought Jordan a Red Bull after his incessant pestering, and had settled on a bottle of water himself. The run back home had been slower, Josh content in letting the breeze wash over him and course through his thin Neck Deep T-shirt. He'd forgotten how good it felt to just be outside and active, letting his worries fall away with his footsteps. He considered asking Tyler to go out for a jog with him sometime. He knew the younger boy was fast, just from seeing him at his basketball practices. It might've been good for him, Josh reckoned.

"Great run today," came a voice from behind Josh. 

Josh jumped, turning to see his brother standing in the doorway, Red Bull in hand. "Yeah," Josh replied. "You're a great runner."

"You were slow today. That's because you were in your head," Jordan said matter-of-factly.

Josh smiled to himself. "Yeah. I guess so."   


Jordan took another swig of his drink, then paused, studying Josh. "I think we should start running in the morning sometimes."

Josh raised an eyebrow at his little brother, standing up and stretching as the sun fell steadily. "Sounds like an idea, J."

"Cool," said Jordan, running a hand through his matted hair as he disappeared back into the house. Josh followed him, heading tiredly back upstairs to the awaiting shower.

It felt like he was under the stinging water for hours. He was incredibly good at losing track of time, Josh had figured. It was so much easier to just lean against the shower wall, eyes closed and water almost drowning out his blasting music, than to get out and try to wrap his head around his biology homework. He waited a few minutes more more before making any movements to get out, lingering under the scalding water. It pelted his back in a weirdly enjoyable way. Josh didn't really know. He sighed a little as he pushed the door open, not looking forward to the loss of the warmth he was oddly obsessed with. He absent-mindedly grabbed a towel from the rack, stumbling towards the fogged mirror and wiping it quickly.

Hm.

He frowned at his reflection, scrunching his nose as he wrapped the towel around his waist. He briefly touched the dripping blue hair that hung over his forehead, ran his fingers down the cheekbones Tyler loved to trace.

_Tyler._

It didn't take Josh long to lurch back to his room, still light-headed after his shower. The lights were off when he entered his bedroom, but he'd left his fairy lights on, the glow of them softly blurring in his vision. He'd decided to get them the previous night, and he adored the soft copper glow over ceiling lights. His brother had told him that they looked 'gay,' and Josh had only snorted in irony.

Josh quickly pulled on some stale clothes from the floor, humming as the curtains flicked restlessly with the breeze. Before long, he was flopped down lazily on his bed, flicking listlessly through his music in the warm shine of his lights. With a glance at his clock he saw it was almost six o'clock, and he was waiting for either one of two things to happen; his mom calling him for dinner, or Tyler coming up the stairs. He'd texted the younger boy before he'd left for his run, knowing he'd been at therapy that afternoon, and also knowing that Tyler liked cuddling more than usual after therapy.

Josh, well, Josh liked cuddling all the time. And now, he could.

_He could._

Josh audibly exhaled as he laid on his bed, eyes closed as Muse soaked every surface of his room. Madness; one of his and Tyler's songs. When it came on in Taco bell once, Tyler had immediately grinned and punched Josh's arm. "I love this song," he'd said. And Josh had nodded solemnly in mutual agreement.

Josh had lost count of the amount of times he had gone to Taco Bell with Tyler. It felt like every trip there got better and better. 

_Now I have finally seen the end_   
_And I'm not expecting you to care_   
_But I have finally seen the light_   
_And I have finally realised_   
_I need your love..._

Footsteps. Josh's eyes snapped open.

"Josh?" The blue haired boy's door swung open quietly, and there was his mom, a tired smile adorning her face. "C'mon, baby. Dinner. And we can hear the music from downstairs, by the way."

"Oh. Sorry." Josh sat up quickly on his rumpled comforter, shutting off his music with a weary smile and following his mom downstairs. 

The Dun family ate in the lounge that night, everyone but Josh transfixed to the TV. It was some shitty staged dating show. _The Bachelor,_ Josh guessed. Some girl had just been told  she was going home and was in floods of tears, and all the other girls were hugging her even though they'd spent almost the entire episode going on about how much they hated her and wanted her to leave.  _The Bachelor house is nothing if not brutal,_  thought Josh.    


He knew Tyler would've hated it. All of them in fancy dresses and tuxedos, ramming meaningless words down each others throats. It stood for everything Tyler thought was wrong with the world. Josh snorted as he got up with his plate and headed to the kitchen, shaking his head a little as if to clear it. He shoved his plate in the sink and leant back against the bench, fishing his phone out of his pocket.

**9:32pm**

**Me:** _Tyler get here and save me from The Bachelor pleaseeee_

**Tyler:** _im on my wayyyyy_

**Tyler:** _I feel sort of bad for leaving my siblings all the time though? idk_

**Me:**   _is your mom home_

**Tyler:** _not yet. i wish she'd make more of an effort sometimes_

**Me:** _yeah, i get that. do u want me to make u dinner?_

**Tyler:**   _doritos aren't dinner joshua_

 **Me:**   _shut your hell mouth_

 **Tyler:**   _make me ;)_

Josh grinned as he shoved his phone back in his pocket, grabbing a bag of Doritos from the shelf and taking the stairs two at a time back up to his room. He fell back on his messy comforter, pulling his phone out again to fill in time. He opened Instagram, scrolled slowly through his feed, then inevitably found his way to Tyler profile. His thumbs hovered over the pictures; one of Tyler in Cleveland at the Rock and Roll hall of fame; one of Tyler sitting at the bus stop with his ukulele in his arms (that Josh had taken); and of course the ones Tyler had sneaked of Josh. Soft ones, with captions that reduced the blue haired boy to a blushing mess. 

He never really used to think he was capable of falling for someone so hard at seventeen. He never really used to think he was capable of falling for anyone at all. Or rather, no one would ever be able to fall for him. And now... and now Josh's heart was snagged. Snagged on tan skin, chocolate curls. On soft, pink lips. On dimples puncturing pretty cheeks.  _All soft lines, and blurry edges._  Tyler was a drug, and Josh was addicted, completely and utterly. And right now, he couldn't wait for his fix.

As if on cue, Josh heard the unmistakable sound of the front door opening and muffled voices downstairs. He sat up, smiling like a loser at the sound of footsteps on the stairs as Tyler made his way up.

And there he was. Standing in the doorway, armed with two caramel sundaes and some kind of beautiful grin.

"Hey," he said.

Josh sat up, eyes wide. he felt like melting, right there and then. "Oh, Tyler. Those are my favourite fucking things in the world."

Tyler grinned even more, setting his bag down by Josh's bed and absentmindedly kicking the door shut with his foot. "Yeah, I know how to treat a boy right."

Josh couldn't argue as he took one of the sundaes from Tyler, sticking the plastic spoon in and swirling it around. His eyes, however, lingered hopelessly on the boy in front of him. Tyler looked heavenly in a yellow hoodie and black sweats, his hair curly and tinted gold in the soft glow of the fairy lights. Josh looked at him, took him in as far as vision could go.

"You got your fairy lights," Tyler breathed.

"Yeah."

Tyler looked around the room in a quiet revere, eyes soft and studying. "I love it. So much."

And Josh couldn't help his wandering hands, reaching for the younger boy who was perched on the end of Josh's bed. Tyler glanced back in surprise as Josh's arms wound themselves around his waist, pulling him gently close. He relented to the touch, and Josh was inundated with Tyler's presence, face shoved into the brunet's neck. He blushed as a small giggle escaped Tyler's lips.

"You alright there, Joshua?"

Josh exhaled in reply. "Just need a moment," he mumbled.

Tyler giggled again in reply. A breeze drifted in Josh's opened window, stirring the curtains, and when Josh looked out at the faded skyline with Tyler cuddled into his side, he couldn't remember ever feeling so calm.

They attempted to watch a movie. But it was getting late, and Josh was having trouble concentrating on the screen. His eyes kept resting on Tyler, and he couldn't stop twisting their fingers together, couldn't stop the soft kisses that ensued. And Tyler just rolled his eyes and smiled, sucking conspiratorially on his spoon. "You should watch, Joshie."

In reply, Josh leant over to kiss him for what must've been the hundredth time. He grinned as Tyler sighed in defeat, shutting Josh's laptop lid and putting it on the chair. He grabbed Josh, pulled him down until they were laying down and facing each other.

"Do you think your family knows about this?" Tyler whispered.

Josh shrugged a little. He turned off his fairy lights and the room sank into complete darkness. Tyler tilted his head.

"I mean, it's a little suspicious that I come up here all the time and don't leave till morning, right? Surely they don't think we're playing Mario Kart the whole time."

Josh smiled softly. "They wouldn't mind. I think my mom has probably figured it out." Josh softened further as he met Tyler's eyes, sighing before continuing. "She loves you, Ty. Sometimes I think she loves you even more than the rest of us."

Tyler rolled his eyes. "Like that's true. Your mom loves the hell outta you. You're a total mommy's boy, Josh."

"And what's wrong with that?" Josh said, quiet but indignant.

"Nothing," Tyler said. "Absolutely nothing. Just thought you should know."

Josh slipped a smile to Tyler then, the younger boy curled up tightly against his chest.  It was... well, it was all he really needed.

"I can never get enough of this," he whispered. And he meant it. It didn't matter to him if his family knew. Hell, it didn't matter to him if the entire world knew. All that mattered to Josh at that moment was him and Tyler.

"Neither can I," came the soft reply.

It was silent for a while after that. Josh thought Tyler might've fallen asleep, surrendering into their tired routine.

"Do you ever get sick of me, Ty?" 

The question was quiet, tentative, lingering in the air. Josh didn't really know why he'd said it. Tyler's head shot up immediately, his brow furrowed. "What?"

"Uh. Nothing, really. S'just... I feel weird sometimes. I don't really know." Josh smooshed his face back into his pillow, suddenly embarrassed. 

Tyler shifted slightly, not replying at once. Josh could feel the younger boy studying him, but he didn't move.

"Josh." Tyler's voice was thick with tiredness, movements slow as his hand traced Josh's shoulder. "You... you're really something, Joshie. You don't push through every moment, y'know? You pay attention. You take everything in. I like that." Tyler smiled slightly. "And you're cute. You're really nice looking, Josh." 

Josh smiled a little, giving in and rolling over to face his boyfriend. Tyler seemed to be on a roll. 

"I like your hair. I like your stupid NASA shirt. I like that look you get in your eyes late at night, all soft and thoughtful when you're looking at me. I like that you don't smile at everyone, because then, when you smile at me... Joshua." he kissed his mouth. "Look at me."

He did.

"It feels like you save it." Tyler's voice was soft, and his hands were soft, and Josh's mind felt hazy as he sat up, reached for Tyler, but Tyler was ahead of him, climbing onto Josh's lap already with his knees on either side of Josh's hips. "You're incredible Josh. You're strong, and you're so constant, and you're the only person in my life who makes me feel like I'm worth something. You're all I have, and I really hope you know how much of a miracle you are."

Josh held Tyler's face in his hands like it was the most precious thing in the world. And it was, he thought to himself as he pressed his forehead against Tyler's, smiling as Tyler nudged his nose with Josh's own. Josh breathed him in like smoke.

"Tyler."

"Shhh."

"I just-"

"Hush."

"I worry-"

"Don't."

"But-"

"Josh."

"Tyler?"

"Here."

\---------------

Josh didn't know when he'd fallen asleep, but it was evident that he had when he woke up in complete darkness hours later. It took a moment for him to gather his thoughts, like most nights, but he guessed it was about two in the morning. He rolled onto his side instinctively, melting into the solid warmth beside him that was Tyler. The honey-hued boy was was sleeping, so it didn't matter if Josh stared at him. Which he did.

Tyler slept in a knot: his legs pulled up and fists drawn in, shoulders hunched high, head tucked low, and his hair a crush of curls on the pillow case. What little moonlight there was caught on his tawny skin.

He was constantly drawing Josh in. And Josh was constantly stepping too close. And he used to think it was no good, that there was absolutely nothing good that could ever come out of it.

But he did it anyway.

_And then..._

Tyler whimpered a little. It was a small, soft sound, but it was enough to catch Josh's attention. He frowned, considering waking the sleeping boy up, but he knew how important it was for Tyler to get as much sleep as he could. Tyler rolled onto his back then, one arm reaching for a moment before he let it fall over his head. The top of his hair was a thatch of loose curls. Golden brown. The room was dark by then, but Josh could still see the colour. Josh knew his skin, too. Another shade of gold, with freckles on his shoulders that Josh had always wanted to trace but never had the courage. 

"Ty?" he whispered.

Tyler's eyes were clenched shut. There was something wrong, but Josh was tired, he was so tired, and the night was warm, and he fell asleep for the second time while Tyler continued to writhe.

\-------------

Tyler was gone by the time Josh woke up the next morning.

Josh sort of knew he wouldn't be there. He almost always went out for a walk after a bad night. It was all part of being with Tyler, Josh had accepted by then. When he could be bothered, he got out of bed and stumbled downstairs to make breakfast, ignoring his family as he scooped his cereal into his mouth somewhat distractedly. He was always thinking of Tyler, always wondering what was going through his head. No, not his head. Wondering what was going through his heart. Josh took out his phone and scrolled through his notifications aimlessly as he swirled his cereal. Then he tapped on Tyler's name and sighed.

_8:49 AM_

**Me:** _hey,_ _everything okay?_

A reply came ten minutes later, as Josh was stacking bowls in the dishwasher.

**Tyler:** _yeah, just felt restless. my dad's still not home and my moms really worried. It's been weeks since he was home_

**Me:**   _isnt that a good thing?_

 **Tyler:**   _i thought it was, but now im not sure._

**Tyler:** _I have to go. talk later honey buns ;)_

**Me:** _you got it, sweet cheeks ;)_

Josh's didn't hear his mom enter the kitchen, didn't even know she was there until she cleared her throat. Josh spun around immediately, noticing her raised eyebrows. "And what's that grin for, Joshie?"

Josh immediately shoved his phone back in his pocket, yawning in fake innocence. "Nothing," he said.

Josh's mom studied him for a moment, a knowing smile on her face. "If you're sure, Josh."

Josh shook his head slightly to himself as he closed the dishwasher.  _Sure._

That was the one thing he wasn't.


	37. Tyler

_All I want to do is stand on solid ground._

Tyler sighed down at the passing cars below him. He watched them shift in their lanes, their tires bringing a monotony as they sailed over the weary grey road beneath. He leaned right over the safety rail, his hair falling over his forehead as his eyes focused on each blurry vehicle.

That parade of headlights in the fog. All those cars. All those pilgrims.

Eventually, Tyler took a step back. He had to stop thinking about the traffic. He had to focus. He took a deep breath and wrapped his jacket on tighter against the wind, shivering as clouds continued to roll in and rain started to fall. He loved weather like this. When it was chaotic, and it couldn't decide, couldn't quite settle on a temperature.

Yeah. The rain was so much more familiar than the quiet.

Tyler absentmindedly turned on his phone, his eyes focusing on the picture of Josh on his lock screen. It was a good picture; a soft one, the older boy's face half illuminated in the dashboard light. Tyler felt warm suddenly, his mind wandering back to the time he'd taken it. It had been the night after their lips had finally touched. They'd driven around for hours, one of Josh's hands on the steering wheel, the other resting in Tyler's. Gliding over his arm, reaching in the headlight echo to feel the curve of his face, his shoulder. Pulling over to the side of the road for a sudden, blind, intimate kiss, then talking past midnight as the hours trickled away like miles.

_You think you know your possibilities,_ thought Tyler. _Then other people come into your life, and suddenly there are so many more._

He broke from his revere eventually, swiping across and opening his messages. There was something playing on his mind.

 **Me:** _Josh?_

A reply came almost immediately.

 **Josh:**   _that's my name_

 **Josh:** _what's up_

Tyler paused for a moment before replying, wiping a stray raindrop off his screen as cars sped by beneath him.

 **Me:** _did u mean what you said to my parents that day? at my house?_

Josh took a while replying. Tyler fixed his eyes on the three dots hovering on his screen. 

 **Josh:** _i wasn't sure if u heard me say that_

 **Josh:** _i had a lot of stuff going through my head that night. i wanted to be angry at you because i thought you didn't like me the way i liked you, and then i got angry at myself because of how stupid that was. and then i walked out and i saw your dad there, and he was talking about you like you were nothing, y'know? i couldn't stand the fact that he didn't even want to try to know you. i don't know. i just don't understand how he doesn't see how remarkable you are_

 **Me:** _maybe i'm only remarkable to you_

 **Josh:** _untrue. you're just the most remarkable to me :^)_

Tyler's small smile grew to a grin.

 **Me:** _i'm glad you came after me in the hallway that day_

 **Josh:** _i am too, miracle boy_

Tyler shoved his phone deep inside his pocket then, turning towards the wind with a slight squint. As much as he'd been avoiding it in his mind, he couldn't help but think he was the reason why. Why his father hadn't visited home at all. Too ashamed of his faggot son. Too disappointed to see him, or be in the same room as someone so fucking dirty. 

When Tyler was fourteen years old, he had watched hours of coming out videos. Youtubers with wide grins and and bright voices, telling him it'd all work out eventually. He remembered lying awake at night, staring at the ceiling and playing out scenarios in his head that would never, ever reflect into his own life. _It's okay, son. You're mother and I love and support you no matter what. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being gay, and there is no reason for you to ever approach us with any hesitation or fear._

Tyler let out a bitter laugh. He'd cry if he didn't.

Why did some people get parents who loved them, and some didn't? Was it Tyler's fault? Was he the problem? Or was it something unattainable, like the universe? Tyler sighed. Josh's dad was great. He told stupid jokes and made pancakes on Sundays and swore he'd marry George Clooney if he wasn't with Laura. Tyler knew he was joking. But Josh's dad made an _effort_. Because he loved his son.

Tyler swallowed, his steps faltering on the slick pavement below. He could still remember the hatred in his father's eyes at the dinner table after seeing a pride parade in town once when he was thirteen. _They're disgusting, flaunting that lifestyle for everyone to see. It's unnatural and sinful._ Tyler couldn't even begin to understand why his father acted the way he did. And he wasn't sure he wanted to. 

That afternoon, Tyler walked all the way back to his house from the city expressway. He stuffed his hands deep into his pockets, head down, his earplugs almost buried in his ears. It was something old from Josh's playlist. _You can't hurry love,_ Phil Collins. He texted the blue haired boy every so often, even though he had to keep stopping to wipe the raindrops off his screen. The air smelt like nerves and wet tires, like an A sharp that was slightly off key. 

 _You can't hurry love_  
_No you just have to wait_  
_She said love don't come easy_  
_It's a game of give and take..._

\---------------

Tyler's mom was standing completely still in a dark kitchen when Tyler arrived back home.

His siblings were in their rooms, he guessed. He shut the front door quietly, standing for a moment in the oddly hushed home. It felt like it got emptier day by day. There were four cold cups of tea on the table, as if Tyler's mom had made them and instantly forgot about them. She was standing by the sink, fingers curling around the tap absentmindedly as she stared out at nothing.

"Mom?"

Tyler's mom spun around immediately, her eyes wide as she scanned her son. "Oh, Tyler. Hi."

"Hey." Tyler sighed, walking over to open the curtains and turn on the lights. "Mom, what's going on?"

"He's still not back," she said quietly.

Tyler stared at his mother worriedly. She looked thinner than usual; a tired, slumped figure, face drawn and eyes circled with dark rings. She just... she looked like she had no life in her anymore. She had been vibrant and smiling when Tyler was little, back when his father didn't drink so much and would teach Tyler how to ride a bike. 

_His fucking father._

Tyler shook his head slightly, stepping towards her slowly in the stale kitchen. "Mom. Stop letting him ruin you."

"He's my husband," Tyler's mom replied weakly.

"So what?" Tyler stepped forward again. "Do you love him?"

His mom blinked, frowning. "I-"

"Do you love the way he treats me?" Tyler asked, his voice getting louder.

His mom didn't answer. She stared at Tyler for a moment, then turned away and flicked the kettle on. Again.

"What did I do for you both to hate me so much? Why can't I ever make you happy?" Tyler bunched his hands in his pockets nervously, facing her. 

"I don't hate you, Tyler. You don't really think that, do you?" Mrs. Joseph frowned as she met her son's eyes. Soft. Tired. Everyone was fucking tired.

"Dad does. He always has." 

Again, his mom didn't answer. Her hands shook as she got out yet another mug from the cabinet. Then she rested her hands against the edge of the bench and leaned over, closing her eyes as dark fly-aways fell over her forehead.

"Are you in love with the boy with the blue hair?" she blurted.

Tyler frowned. "Wh-"

"Are you in love with Josh?" she repeated.

Tyler couldn't tell what was going through her head. Her eyes were unreadable. But somehow, he knew it was okay.

"Is it that obvious?' Tyler joked, then noticed his mom was still staring intently at him. "Yeah, Mom. I am."

His mom nodded slowly. "Okay. How long have you, uh, known?"

"Known that I'm... gay?"

She nodded, studying Tyler as he folded his arms. The kettle whistled. "Since I was fourteen." Tyler paused. "Do you... care?"

"No, Tyler. It doesn't change anything." She sighed. "You never said anything." 

Tyler almost laughed. _I mean, really?_

"You wouldn't have wanted me anymore if I had told you. Dad would have kicked me out. That's why he hasn't come back, isn't it? He doesn't want to see me." Tyler turned and collected the cold cups of tea, pouring each one down the sink and setting them in the dishwasher. His mom watched him do it silently, every so often picking at her nail. The two of them did their best to keep their voices down, the rest of the house still breathing softly in sleep. Tyler didn't even know if his siblings were home.

"It's not your fault, Tyler. He needs help. I've always known."

"He hit me, mom," Tyler said quietly.

There was a moment of silence, only interrupted by the quiet boiling of the kettle. And then, slowly, carefully, Tyler's mom turned Tyler around and pulled him into a hug. 

It was almost awkward, at first. Tyler, as he put his arms around her tiny frame, realised he hadn't hugged his mother in what must have been months. But he sighed into her hair all the same, and eventually she pulled back and gently touched Tyler's face. Traced a finger up his cheekbone, the way Tyler so often did to Josh. She had to reach up - her son was a good few inches taller than her. Which was definitely a new feeling for Tyler; he'd gotten used to being one of the smallest of his friends.

"I know you don't trust either of us, Tyler. And I understand why. But you've always been so good, Ty. As a person. Not like your father. I saw the way you were with Josh, too. You're sweet. He's lucky to have you." she smiled, and her brown eyes warmed. Her eyes were a different shade to Josh's. A more similar shade to Tyler's own. Like a burnt copper.  "I'm glad he makes you happy, baby. I know I don't show it all the time, but that's really all I want. I know you haven't felt that way for a while, and I know that's partly on your father and I. And I'm sorry. Really, Tyler."

Tyler didn't reply at once. He hadn't been expecting this. "Why do you stay with him?" Tyler whispered.

His mom sighed. "I do still love him."

"It's not _real_."

She paused. "Maybe not anymore. But I have to be here for him, Tyler. I used to look at him the way you look at Josh," she said softly.

Tyler thought about that. He thought about their nights together, the look in Josh's eyes where small crinkles formed in the soft skin and he was just looking at _Tyler_ with so much love and passion and emotion and it just made Tyler want to kiss him until he couldn't anymore. And the one when he woke up in the morning, when his eyes were half open but still so bright and soft and comforting and it made his day better when it hadn't even started. 

He couldn't imagine it with anyone else.

The kettle clicked suddenly, causing Tyler to jump. Tyler's mom turned without a word and made her fifth cup of tea.

\-----------

Tyler sat in his room for a while, that afternoon. He sat without doing, without feeling, but thinking an awful lot. He picked at his ukulele. Ate crackers and watched ASMR. Messaged Josh. Stared up at the ceiling for a while, at the glowing stars his mom put up there when he was seven years old, afraid of the unknown. A lot had changed, he thought. But at the same time, nothing had. 

At some point he attempted to have a cold shower; something he hoped would sober his mind but only resulted in making him swear for two minutes at no one. He stood there in the bathroom for a while afterwards, shivering in his abundance of towels. Cold showers were stupid. Cold showers didn't make sober minds. Sober minds didn't just _happen_.

He wasn't feeling terrible. But he wasn't feeling great, either. Everything felt like a headache. Every small sigh, every stupid cup of tea on the table all wrapped up into the biggest headache ever.

So Tyler took an aspirin. And then he took another, sitting outside on the steps as dusk fell over his backyard. _Being and nothingness._ That was how he felt. 

Tyler was thinking again. He was thinking about how people loved people who didn't know how to love them back. Tyler didn't think his dad had ever really learnt how, not properly. And yet his mom still loved him. Tyler just didn't understand the human heart. He didn't even fully understand the thing people called loving. Maybe he wasn't supposed to.

 _Maybe_.

Tyler didn't go to Josh's that night.

He got his phone out to text him when he was making dinner with his sister. Ravioli. He made his mom sit back on the couch while he did, sighing as she sipped yet more tea. How much tea was too much tea?

 **Me:** _hey josh, I won't be coming over later_

 **Josh:** _aww :((( who am i gonna cuddle now_

 **Me:** _dont give me that joshua_

 **Josh:** _im fully kiddinggg tylerrr. hows your mom_

 **Me:** _she's doing okay, i think. dad's not back_

 **Josh:** _ah.that sucks._   _i hope everything goes well_

 **Josh:** _i miss youuuuu_

 **Me:** _i will backhand you into jupiterrr_

Tyler grinned softly down at his screen, stirring the pasta absentmindedly. Madison hummed interestedly, leaning over to see. 

"Who ya texting?"

Tyler quickly turned his phone off and shoved it in his pocket. "No one," he said.

Madison smirked. She had a slight dimple in her right cheek, identical to Tyler's own.  

"If you say so, Ty-Ty."

Tyler simply rolled his eyes in reply, turning to tend to the bubbling pasta. 

It was a nice evening. The five of them all sat around the table together to eat, which was a rarity Tyler had been deprived of for a while. He found he'd missed it; he enjoyed hearing about his sibling's day, the new video games Jay had bought. Yeah, Tyler's mind felt like it was fragmenting into millions of pieces and his mom barely touched her meal and his dad's chair sat empty. But still, it was a nice evening.

Half an hour after dinner, Tyler was at his treehouse.

He couldn't remember making the conscious decision to walk through a forest in quickly falling darkness, but there he was. The wood below was cold through the fabric of his shirt. Damp. He watched the stars burn into view, the wind course through his hair. His earphones were borderline blasting as he lay there, looking up at the stars, eyes closed. 

And his mind drifted to his father. 

He couldn't help it. He couldn't help thinking about all the times Tyler had been bailed up, faces shoved close as his dad screamed slur after slur at him until he lost his breath completely. The heavy, cold silence that followed when Tyler sat in his bedroom trying his hardest not to cry, wondering what he'd done wrong while his father gulped his fucking whiskey on the back steps. The missing of every school prize-giving, his absences at birthdays and christmases, where everyone else had their dad present but the Josephs. _No, he's not dead. Just fucking drunk._ He'd never been there. Not ever. And Tyler was fucking angry.

Sometimes Tyler got so far into his head he forgot anything else existed. 

He forgot to sleep, too. But that night, he didn't feel he needed to. He watched the rapidly fading light with studying eyes, too tired to object when Blurryface sat down beside him on the tarnished wood. The trees around them were shaking. Tyler's hands were too.

But neither of them said a single word. 

_Scared of my own image…_

 


	38. Josh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just realised I never do authors notes??  
> But seriously thank you so much to everyone who reads this story,, im heckin grateful for all the comments and kudos n stuff :))  
> ps. you look hella good today

_Ringgggg. Ringgggg._

Josh sighed exasperatingly into the darkness of his bedroom, eyes snapping open involuntarily. He'd finally managed to fall asleep after finishing his algebra homework at midnight, and now his bedside table was vibrating in a very hard-to-ignore way. He lay awake for a moment in the darkness, staring at the ceiling, then gave in and reached over to see Tyler's name flashing on the screen. He swiped across slowly, a quiet sigh escaping him.

"Tyler?" Josh yawned so wide his jaw clicked and he swore. He needed to stop doing that. 

"Hey." Tyler paused. "Were you asleep?"

"Mhm." Josh rolled over onto his stomach, eyes adjusting to his screen in the darkness. What was it? Quarter past one? He'd be lucky if he got any sleep at this rate.

"Oh. Sorry." 

"That's okay." Josh sat up a little in bed, running a hand through his tousled hair. "What's up? Where are you?"

Tyler hesitated, his breathing quiet in Josh's phone. "Uh, the treehouse."

Josh sighed. _Well. Okay._ "It's late, Ty. Go home," he said softly.

There was a muffled sound from the other end of the phone, like Tyler was repositioning himself. Then a pause.

"My head hurts."

Tyler's voice was quiet, distant. Detached. Josh frowned. "Is it a headache?"

"No, its a... it's a migraine." Tyler said. Josh could imagine him sitting there in the body of the dark, eyes clenched shut. "It hurts, Josh."

Josh bit down hard on his lip, unsure of what to say. _He'll be okay. Just keep talking._

But before Josh could say anything, Tyler spoke again. "D'you think my dad wants to kill me?" he said quietly.

Josh shook his head to himself, frowning. "Tyler, of course not. God, he'd never-"

"He nearly did once. One day when he's drunk enough he might try again."

"He's your dad. He wouldn't do that, Ty." Josh rolled over again, facing the ceiling. It was a warm night, and his shirt had long been discarded on the floor. He wished Tyler was with him. He wished he could make everything okay with the click of a button. Josh closed his eyes, tried to lower his voice so his family wouldn't hear him. Even though he wanted to scream. "He's the fucking worst, but he'd never kill you."

Tyler swallowed. "He hates me. I’ve always been something for him to hate." he paused, took in a shuddering breath. "It sucks, Josh. God, it sucks so much."

"I'm sorry." Josh whispered. His curtain flinched, bucking slightly in the breeze.

"I just... I remember being so terrified of going home. Of facing him," Tyler said quietly. "And I always hid whenever he got too drunk, because he'd just destroy whatever he came across. And then the slurs and insults in every sentence, and the fear when he bailed me up because he felt pissed off and needed something to take it all out on. And he'd hit me. As hard as a grown man drunk on cheap liquor and anger could manage. And let me tell you something, Josh." Tyler paused, and his voice seemed borderline panicky. "It. Hurt."

Josh swallowed hard. He lay there in his bed, and he felt... well, he felt fucking terrible. He'd had no idea it had been so bad. Tyler had always avoided talking about his childhood around Josh; it was just something Josh had accepted about him. Josh had always assumed it had been hard, but _this_... he took in a deep breath. "Ty, I- I'm sorry-"

Tyler sighed again.

"I'm sorry too. Everyone's fucking sorry except for him."

\----------------------

7 o'clock on Sunday morning. Josh was awake.

Had he even slept at all? He didn't know. He didn't think so. He'd been thinking a lot, last night. He guessed Tyler had been too. He'd texted Tyler earlier that morning, letting him know he could come over whenever he felt like it. _Whatever you need, Ty. I'm here all day._

He hadn't gotten a reply. But at least it had been read.

Josh did his best to suppress the anger he'd felt since last night as he checked his remaining messages. Whenever he thought about Tyler's _fucking_ _asshole_ of a father he felt like he was going to scream. Or implode. He just... he hated how indifferent he'd become about it, hated how much he _hadn't_ done to help Tyler. 

Yeah, maybe that was stupid. Josh had barely _known_  Tyler since the previous year, for God's sake. What the hell could he have done? Josh groaned into the quiet of his kitchen, head resting on the counter top. Maybe ignorance was bliss. God. Josh didn't know. All he knew was that no one deserved that kind of childhood. Least of all someone like Tyler. How could someone so easily hate someone so sweet and kind and -

His phone almost gave him a heart attack as it began vibrating noisily in his hand. He frowned, checking the name on the screen. Brendon? Josh was accepted the call confusedly as he slid into a seat at the breakfast bar. 

"Josh?"

"Yeah?" Josh cocked his head.

"Dude! Guess who's officially dating _the_ Ryan Ross?"

Josh could quickly tell through the phone that the boy was absolutely ecstatic. Well. It had taken him long enough. 

"I actually did it, Joshie! Holy shit, I can't believe I asked him. He's the cutest person I swear, and after I asked him he just stared at me and then he smiled and whispered 'heck yeah, Urie' and shit, Josh. I'm kind of understanding what it was like for you." Brendon spoke fast, and Josh snorted.

"Jesus, Bren. I don't think I've heard you this happy since that time you _met_ Ryan."

"Yeah, well, he brings out the best in me." Brendon's laugh crackled through Josh's speaker. "Goddamn, that was cheesy."

"Yeah, it w-"

Josh stopped talking as he heard the front door open and someone step inside. Brendon clearly heard it too.

"Who's that?"

Josh frowned, spinning his chair around to face whoever was coming. "I don't know..."

And then Tyler stepped through into the kitchen. Josh simply stared at him for a moment, looking him up and down as everything he'd been trying not to think about came flooding back. The younger boy was eying him too, looking simultaneously tired and jittery in the early morning light. Without a word he walked into the kitchen, got out a bowl and poured himself some cereal, then went and sat beside Josh. 

"That you, Tyler?" Brendon asked. Josh didn't knew how he knew. That was just Brendon, he thought.

Tyler smiled slightly. "Yeah. Hey."

"Guess what?" Brendon didn't give him time to say anything before carrying on, clearly still high on cloud nine. "Me and Ryan are actually _dating_."

Tyler looked at Josh, eyes wide. "Wait, really?"

Brendon giggled. "Mhm. I asked him last night and I just, I don't know. I can't stop smiling." 

Josh watched as Tyler rolled his eyes, smiling slightly now. "S'that right?" Tyler said, shovelling spoonfuls of Crunchy Nut in his mouth.

"Oh, shut up. You'd know how it is, Joseph."

Tyler laughed a little, looking at Josh. Josh blushed as Tyler replied. "Yeah. I guess I would."

Josh screwed up his nose teasingly at Tyler, hoping to get back their normal bants. Tyler hesitated for a moment before screwing up his nose back, eyes sparkling. Only a little bit, but enough for Josh to notice it. 

Brendon sighed a little through the phone then, and Josh could hear the smile behind his voice. "Okay, boys. I'm probably gonna go talk to my _boyfriend_ Ryan now, so I'll leave you to it."

"God, I feel sorry for him," Josh joked, and Brendon huffed.

"Whatever, Joshie. See you both tomorrow."

"Yeah. See you."

The second Josh ended the call, Tyler turned to him. His eyes were wide, lips bitten.

"Hi," he said cautiously.

"Hi." Josh looked up, picking at his thumbnail.

Tyler sighed then, stirring his cereal slowly and nervously. "I'm sorry, Josh. I didn't mean to... to get all worked up last night. Please. It was nothing. I'm sorry."

"Tyler, shh. It's fine," Josh murmured.

_But it wasn't, was it?_

Josh inhaled deeply, shoving his phone back in his pocket. Everyone had shitty nights, he knew. But shitty nights on top of shitty lives... God. Tyler was incredibly strong, Josh was learning. He wondered how Tyler got to be so decent without anybody teaching him how to be. He just didn't understand the human heart. Tyler's heart should have been shattered in ways no one could fix. But it wasn't.

He wasn't shattered. He was alive.

Tyler rubbed at his face tiredly, his spoon dropping into his cereal in the process. "I don't really know what I was doing last night. I just sort of... had an epiphany." 

Josh raised an eyebrow. "An epiphany? About what, your dad?"

Tyler shook his head. "No. About tree houses," he murmured.

"Ah." Josh nodded in understanding, smiling a little at the boy beside him. Tyler was sitting and playing with his sweater, doe eyes downcast. He seemed almost faraway. Josh didn't want to interrupt it.

But his brother did.

Josh jumped at the sound of Jordan bounding down the stairs. He was decked in his running gear, water bottle in hand. 

"Well, what's going on here? Hey, Tyler." Jordan nodded in Tyler's direction as he entered the kitchen, his hair wet as he grabbed a protein bar from the pantry. 

"Hi." Tyler said quietly, stirring his cereal. 

"And good morning to you too, Joshua. I was gonna ask if you wanted to come running with me, but it's okay if you're busy." Jordan shrugged as he headed towards the entrance. "If mom's up before I get back, tell her where I am." 

"Will do," Josh called out, but Jordan was already out the door and running.

Josh directed his attention back to Tyler as the house descended once again into silence. He was glad the sun was out; he didn't know if he'd have been able to stand rain on a day like this.

Tyler just smiled weakly. "You a runner now, Joshie?'

Josh snorted. "Oh yeah. That's me. Exercising 24/7. Mmhm." 

Tyler just smiled slightly again, looking down. He was exhausted, Josh could tell. It seemed like he was always tired now. He was always tired and he was always nervous, but he was _holding on._ He was. And Josh hoped with all his heart that he'd never stop. He watched Tyler stare intently at his spoon, his sleeves curled over his fists and his hair all messy like he'd been running his hands through it. Josh softened at the sight of him. _God, he was pretty._  Pretty, and strong, and his.

He cleared his throat.

"I just... I just wanna say something, Tyler. About last night. I am so, so fucking sorry. I know that's probably not what you want to hear, but I am. And if there was something I could do that would take away all the pain that you have inside, I'd do it in a second. But I can't. I can't go back and stop him from doing all those things, and I can't go back to be there with you to make sure you don't go through it alone. But I'm here now, Tyler. I promise I'll always be here. As long as you need me. That's the best I can do."

It was, and Josh hoped it would be enough.

Tyler didn't say anything for a while. He let the quiet settle. He was good at that. He just studied Josh, traced over his features, captured his emotions. He stared and stared and stared.

Then he got up. He fished something out of his pocket, slid it across to Josh with shaking hands. A piece of paper. "I, uh, finished it last night. Wanted you to have it," he said, as he grabbed his bowl and made his way around to put it in the sink.

Josh opened the folded paper, eyes flicking to Tyler confusedly as he did. 

An alien and a skeleton.

It was that drawing. That pretty sketch Tyler had done outside his house; with Josh an alien on a skateboard and Tyler a skeleton that never stopped smiling. Tyler had written in small letters underneath;  _Everything means nothing, i_ _f I ain't got you._

Josh smoothed it slowly with his palm, looking up at Tyler in wonder. There he was, standing in the kitchen with honey skin and chocolate hair, and he looked right back.

"It's kind of stupid, I know, but-"

"You're the most beautiful boy in the world," Josh said.

Tyler sighed. "I'm not."

"You are," said Josh. "You are."

\---------------------

Josh and Tyler sat together at the bench for a very long time, that morning.

Josh made the two of them coffee. Proper coffee too, with the coffee machine instead of just instant, the way he always had it. He figured Tyler was worth it.

Josh's mom woke up eventually, and headed out to Walgreens. Jordan came home, and played FIFA in the lounge. His dad headed to his study to get some work done. Music wafted in from his sisters' bedrooms. The world went on. And the two boys talked and talked and talked.

"What's your biggest fear?" Josh asked at one point. His coffee was almost out, and he held the mug to his lips to drain the last of it. He felt like he'd needed this. The coffee, and the talking.

Tyler looked up, frowning. "Hmmm?"

"Your biggest fear?" Josh repeated, studying the younger boy beside him.

Tyler considered, hands wrapped around his mug tightly. "I think you know the answer to that, Josh," he shrugged, picking at one of his nails. "I'm fucking terrified of my dad. Yeah, I really am. And there's nothing I can do about that." Tyler paused, doe eyes meeting Josh's with a soft sincerity. "But I'm also really scared that... that one day, you'll see me the way I see myself, Josh." He said the words quietly, so Josh could barely hear him. Josh wasn't sure if he  _had_ heard him right.

Tyler blinked. Waiting.

And then, without warning, Josh leant forward and pulled Tyler towards him fiercely. Tyler stumbled a little, almost falling into Josh's lap as the older boy tugged him close. 

"Josh-"

"I'm never gonna stop liking you," Josh whispered. "You know that."

"Josh." Tyler smiled a little sadly. "Not even you know that." 

"Yeah I do. I know it, Tyler." He lifted Tyler's chin gently, eyes gentle. Hands gentle. "You know what I wish, Ty?"

"What?"

"I wish you would see yourself the way I see you."

Tyler didn't answer for a while, hands curled around Josh's neck as he studied him. The house was silent, but warm silent. The kind that spoke for itself. Tyler opened his mouth, then closed it, like he was trying to look for the right words to say. Josh would wait. He’d always wait for him.

"Fuck you," Tyler finally whispered.

"Why?"

"Because you're the last good thing in this place, Josh. Fuck you for being so fucking _good._ Everything is so shitty and then there's you, the brightest thing in the world, and you cast everything else into shadow." 

Tyler kissed him then. He kissed him and Josh instinctively grabbed at his sweater and Tyler's hands slid down Josh's arms until their fingers were linked. Josh found it hard to ignore how soft Tyler's lips were. He leant into that heavenly pressure, tongues tangling for heat in the cool air of the kitchen. _Quiet euphoria._ Tyler's hands were gentle and his eyes were alive, alive, alive. 

Josh was having trouble feeling the same way. He could feel his lungs giving way, and his heart stopped altogether when Tyler trailed his lips to the skin on Josh's neck. _Oh_. Josh's mouth parted, his grip tightening on Tyler's fingers as the younger boy nipped at his skin.

Josh let out a slow breath, letting his head fall slightly as his lips met Tyler's shoulder.

"Oh, Tyler."

 _If only..._  


	39. Tyler

_If only it lasted._

Tyler took a deep breath as he stepped out of the gym into the cool dusk air the following Friday, closing his eyes and letting the slight breeze wash over him. He'd been at basketball practice since school had ended, and his limbs felt like they were going to fall off any second. Regardless, he liked basketball. His team was nice, and despite his size he was good at it. Basketball was a distraction, and really, that's all Tyler was looking for.

Josh hadn't stayed to watch that day; he'd walked home with Dallon instead. Tyler was surprised to find he didn't mind that much. Usually he'd be sulky about it, but today he felt oddly content with himself. _Wellbeing is a wonderful thing,_ he decided. Besides, Josh had something of his own on anyway. "I'm sorry, Ty. I wanted to stay and watch you practice, but my mom  wanted us to go out for a family dinner again. Not much I can do," he'd said, sighing. 

Tyler smiled to himself as he got out his water bottle and tipped it into his mouth. He had his night all planned out already; he had a session with his doctor in about half an hour, and after that he was going to go back home to do homework and play Mario Kart with Jay or something. It was doable, and he was feeling sort of okay. It wasn't perfect, he knew, but he'd take it.

He was just about to start walking to the bus stop when his phone rang from the bottom of his bag. He grinned while fishing it out, expecting Josh's voice to fill the receiver.

It wasn't Josh.

"Mom?"

Tyler's mom hardly ever called him. She hardly ever called anyone anymore. Tyler frowned, waiting to hear her voice. "Mom? Are you there?"

"Tyler," was all she said. Her voice was quiet, tentative, cracking before she'd even finished the word. 

Tyler felt the panic rising inside of him already. "Mom? What's going on? Is everything okay?"

There was a strangled sound from the other end of the phone. Tyler could just make out his mother's choked sobs, and he swallowed nervously. "No. Oh, Ty..."

Tyler ran a hand through his hair, head tilted up to the sky as he felt the calm from before drain out of him and into the concrete below. "Just... breathe. Are Jay and Zach and Maddie okay?"

"Yes. Yes, they're fine. It's just... oh  _fuck_." She broke off, taking in deep, shuddering breaths.

Tyler had never, ever heard his mom swear before.

"Mom." Tyler inhaled deeply, leaning against the gym wall. "Mom, tell me what's going on. Where are you?"

"I-I'm at the hospital." 

Tyler's eyes widened. "Why? Are you hurt? Wh-"

"Tyler. It's your father."

Tyler stopped talking. There was a thick, uneasy feeling growing in his stomach. "What is it?" He asked anxiously.

There was a pause. Tyler held onto it for as long as he could. He watched a leaf fly over concrete, nudging against his shoe. He nudged it back.

"He got into an accident. he's-" _hiccup_. "Tyler, he's dead." Her voice cracked again, and she was crying harder now, and Tyler could consciously feel his bones begin to numb. _No._ His mouth wouldn't work, and his mind wouldn't work, and when he looked up everything wasn't right. Everything was _off_ and he couldn't explain it. He let his eyes fall shut, but his skull was empty.

"He's not. You're lying."

"Tyler. Ty, listen-"

"He can't, mom. He can't just do this, fucking ruin _everything_ , then go and die. He can't. You're lying. They're all lying." Tyler shook his head, his forehead pressed against the cold gym wall. He heard the rest of his team head out, calling out goodbyes and squirting each other with water, but it seemed far away. Muted. Discordant. 

Tyler's mom hiccuped again. "Th-they found him in his car, Ty. On the side of the road near Springfield. It was a head wound. Very quick. They brought him here and identified him, and, and..." she broke off again, choking on another sob. God. She sounded like she was falling apart.

All Tyler felt was a pulsing ache where is brain should've been. His ears were ringing and his eyes began to blur and he couldn't breathe _couldn't breathe_ and Blurryface was there, right there in front of him, and Tyler could hear him laughing. It sounded empty.  

_I can't believe it. You did it. You fucking killed him._   _He didn't want to see you and now he's dead._

“That’s…that’s… that’s pretty fucked up.” Tyler was crying now. He felt sick and hollow, like nothing was inside of him. 

“Tyler, it's okay. I never meant-“

"Look after yourself, Mom, " Tyler whispered. He ended the call and he didn't talk to, or see, as a matter of fact, his mom again for a very long time.

Tyler took a deep breath, his hands shaking so much he could barely shove his phone back in his pocket. He sat down against the wall. He put his head down. He held his head together. His palms were warm when he pressed them against his eyes, hard enough for his vision to become dotted. _Just breathe. Just breathe._ At some point he was vaguely aware of someone coming up to him with a concerned look on their face, touching Tyler's shoulder tentatively. 

"Tyler? Everything okay?"

It was Mikey. Gerard's younger brother. Tyler nodded, but didn't speak, couldn't speak,  _couldn't breathe_. There were tears pricking his eyes now, tears Tyler couldn't understand, and he wanted them to go away, because his father didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve Tyler's tears just like Tyler didn't deserve everything his father had put on him. It was cruel, and he was fucking angry. And helpless. And he didn't know what the fuck else.  _God_. This couldn't be happening.

_Just breathe. Just breathe._

Mikey left eventually. And Tyler was left sitting there, too intoxicated by his thoughts to care about anything at all. He couldn't make his feet move to where he needed to be. He needed to be on the bus. He needed to be somewhere else. He was telling himself this, forcing the concept into himself again and again, but he could feel his mind fragmenting as he did so. He knew what was happening, and he didn't know what could stop it.

Not this time.

\-----------------

Night had fallen by the time Tyler arrived back home.

There was no one inside. He wasn't expecting there to be. He guessed his siblings were at friends' houses, and God only knew when his mom would get back from the hospital. The house was completely dark. _It was always so fucking dark,_ Tyler thought. And God, he hated it. He was so full of hatred, right then, he didn't think he'd ever feel anything else again.

Blurryface smirked from behind Tyler. _So how-_

"Just leave me the fuck alone," Tyler snapped. He fumbled with the lock on the door, his fingers too uncoordinated and his manner to frantic to get the key in. He couldn't breathe, and his eyes were stinging with tears he refused to let fall. He sank down against the wall, his head leaning against the panelling.

Nothing had changed. Nothing would ever change. Tyler was nauseous and empty and Blurryface was waiting, waiting, waiting.

Once Tyler was finally inside, he couldn't settle on anything. He'd missed his appointment, and he didn't see the point in calling to reschedule. Josh wasn't answering his texts. Tyler couldn't blame him. He made himself a coffee, and then let it go cold. 

_His dad was dead._

And that was when the weight of this sudden rationality was almost unbearable to handle, and it was as if Tyler’s body was soaking up unwanted energy. His legs felt weak, and not the good kind of weak where your knees are buckling and butterflies are swarming in your gut. The bad kind of weak, the weak that made him want to just give up on standing. Breathing in was suddenly too hard, because every breath set fire to his lungs, and _God he wished he didn't care so much._

Tyler cried out suddenly, hands shaking as he clutched at his head. He slid down to the floor in the middle of the living room, his lungs feeling like they were going to fucking overflow. And he wished they would; he wished that everything he was keeping inside would spill out of him, all over the wooden floor below. Anything was better than this.

When Tyler finally lifted his head, sobbing brokenly into his knees, he saw his dad's flask on the coffee table.

He stood shakily, wiping his face, and stumbled over to it. He noticed it was empty as he held it in his hands, his cheeks still wet. How was it that this had more control over his father's life than anything else? How did it have the power to dictate every decision, every word out of his mouth? Tyler clutched it for a moment, running his fingers over the cold, hard metal. Then he turned and threw it at the wall as hard as he possibly could.

“Jesus Christ,” he whispered to no one. This was not supposed to happen. Not now. Not when Tyler was finally beginning to feel okay. He took a deep breath and squeezed his eyes shut, but all he could see was his father's face.

He began crying all over again.

Why the fuck was he so upset? His father was a terrible person; Tyler knew that. All his dad had ever seemed to do was just come, yell at him, drink whiskey and leave. He'd insulted to Tyler to the point where Tyler was too afraid to be in the same goddamn house as him. He took up so much space, so much air and energy, that Tyler felt drained from just seeing his face. So why did he feel even more drained now he was gone?

Tyler didn't understand. He'd spent so long learning to avoid his father; sneaking out of the house when the front door slammed, ducking behind the kitchen cabinets when he came in to find more alcohol. Tyler did it like routine. Like clockwork. And that was messed up, he knew. No person should ever have to learn how to do that, he knew. It was partly his dad's fault that Tyler was so paranoid and insecure and panicky, he knew. 

Blurryface shook his head slowly.

_But it's your fault that he was fucking found dead on the side of the road._

That was when Tyler finally snapped.

He turned to Blurryface, his body feeling oddly light despite his bunched fists and red-ringed eyes and leaden heart.

"Fuck you. I hate you so fucking much, you know that right? I hate you. God, I hate you more than anything else in the universe. Fuck you, " he screamed, tugging at his hair. 

Blurryface just smiled.

_I can honestly say that I've never met anyone quite as fucked up as you, Tyler Joseph._

Tyler tried to block out the words as he stumbled to his bedroom, still slightly shaking in the body of the dark.  _Those words don't exist,_ he whispered. _Those words aren't real._

But the shadow was right behind him. Always right behind him. _You really don't get it, do you Tyler? These words do exist. I'll be here for as long as you'll be here. I'll always be a part of you, Tyler. I promise._

Tyler didn't know that he'd started crying again until he couldn't catch his breath. 

He knew this wasn't like a panic attack on the bathroom floor, or sulking in his bedroom. This was different, more dangerous, and he was beginning to feel it right in his primal centre. It would eat him alive if he didn't figure this out. He needed to calm the fuck down about everything. He needed what he'd always needed, what he always would need.

Josh.

Tyler grabbed his phone and sat down on his bed, shakily finding Josh’s contact. He pushed his matted hair off of his forehead, listening to his phone ring. 'Please," he whispered. To Josh. To the universe.

But it went to voicemail. Tyler swore, chucking his phone into the corner of the room and curling up on his bed, his hands over his head. He couldn't believe this was happening. His dad was dead because of Tyler, and now he was crying into his comforter, his only company a fucking asshole of a shadow that never left him alone. 

And it seemed Blurryface was worse than ever, too. He was in the walls, sneering at Tyler, insulting him and laughing and _laughing_ and it was all fucking with him, more than ever, and he scratched at his wrists and his neck and he cried and cried and cried. 

_I need something to kill me, I am tired of taking my own life..._


	40. Josh

"Hurry up, Josh!"

Josh groaned as his sister banged on the bathroom door for the hundredth time. "I'm almost done!" he yelled back, spitting into the sink and rinsing his toothbrush. He'd rushed straight to the bathroom when his family had got back from dinner, knowing it would be in high demand. And he was right; seemingly unable to wait any longer, Ashley yanked the door open and shoved Josh out of the way of the sink. She scowled at him in the mirror as she grabbed her toothbrush.

"You take way too long in the bathroom. It's a serious flaw of yours, Joshua. You should work on it."

Josh didn't bother replying. He just rolled his eyes and made his exit, running his hands through his slightly faded blue hair. He figured it was almost time to get it re-dyed; his roots were beginning to show again. It seemed hard to believe his hair had ever been brown, he'd gotten so used to the light blue locks.

It was just past ten o'clock by the time Josh had made his way to his room, sighing and flopping down on his crumpled comforter. They hadn't intended to stay out this late, but service had been slow and Ashley had demanded they stop at Dairy Queen on the way home so she could get a stupid Blizzard. Consequently, Josh was so tired he almost drifted off every time he closed his eyes. He lay there for a moment, eyes trained on a crack on the ceiling, before he rolled over to his bedside table and grabbed his phone. He'd left it charging in his room while he'd been out.

Stupidly.

Josh felt his heartbeat begin to quicken, felt a sick feeling begin to settle in his stomach as he scrolled shakily through his notifications. _No. Not tonight._

**9:17 PM**

**Tyler:** _hey_

 **Tyler:** _im sorry i kno ur busy tonihgt but_

 **Tyler:** _josh_

 **Tyler:** _can u come over_

**Missed call**

**Tyler:**   _im sorry im sorry im sor_

 **Tyler:** _josh wher are y_

**Missed call**

**Missed call**

**Missed call**

**Tyler:** _jos pleas e i really need you_

**Missed Call**

Josh's throat constricted as he tried to make sense of the messages. What the hell was going on?

It didn't really matter. Before Josh knew what he was doing, he'd already grabbed his jacket and shoved his phone in his pocket, making his way downstairs. _Tyler. Tyler. Tyler._

He'd almost completely forgotten about his parents until he was almost out the door. His mom frowned from the kitchen, putting her cup of tea down on the counter.

"Josh, stop! What are you doing?"

Josh spun around, swallowing thickly. "I'm... I'm going to see Tyler."

Mrs. Dun tilted her head, absentmindedly warming her hands with her mug. "Josh, don't be silly. You saw him a few hours ago."

"Mom." Josh shook his head, sighing. "You don't understand. He needs me."

"Why? Is something wrong?" She frowned. 

"Uh, yeah."

"What is it? Has something happened to him?" Her eyes widened, and Josh swallowed nervously again.

"I think so, mom. He called me five times while we were out, and his texts were all panicky, and, and Mom..." he paused, and his mom waited with a worried expression. "It's just... Tyler is... he's not all there," Josh said slowly.

"Not all there?"

"He takes, uh- medication," Josh said quietly, looking down at his unlaced shoes.

"What for?" His mom questioned.

"I'm not exactly sure, but he gets these... moods. And it's hard on him, mom, and they're hard for him to get out of. Really hard. Just... I need to make sure he's okay. Please."

Josh's mom paused for a moment. Then she slowly nodded. "Okay, but-"

But Josh was already out the front door. He stumbled down the path drunkenly, and in a matter of seconds was throwing himself inside his car. He couldn't stand the anxious feeling rising in his stomach as he turned the key in the ignition. There was nothing to worry about, right? Tyler probably just got himself worked up again; nothing more than usual. Nothing either of them couldn't handle. All Tyler needed was a little reassurance, a little cuddling. Right?

Josh grabbed his phone out of his pocket when he had backed onto the street. He almost dropped it, his hands were shaking so hard.

**10:09 PM**

**Me:** _i'm on my way, ty. Please be safe_

**Read at 10:11 PM**

Josh chucked his phone onto the passenger seat beside him, knocking his head back onto the headrest. "Fuck," he muttered. "Fuck, fuck, fuck."

There was something about the expletive that he found kind of therapeutic. He said it over and over again, until it didn't even sound like a real word anymore. 

He needed to get to Tyler; this notion played over and over inside of him like a broken record, gave him new energy as his headlights plunged further in the darkness. His hands gripped the steering wheel and his eyes darted over the road in front of him, chewing on his lip until the metallic taste of blood ran over his tongue. He whispered softly as he drove, in a futile attempt to calm himself down. He whispered to himself. To Tyler. To the universe.

_Please be okay. Please be okay. I love you. Please be okay._

Josh took in a shaky breath as he pulled onto Tyler's street. The seconds seemed to drag into minutes, hours, years, and Josh couldn't stand it, couldn't stand the helpless feeling coalescing inside. He parked lazily on the curb outside the Joseph's house, quickly stepping out of his car and slamming the door while his stomach twisted. There were no lights on in the house, and Josh's uneasiness grew as he glanced around the charcoal-etched street.

The front door was locked. Josh quickly jogged around back, his manner almost panicky now, and breathed in relief to find the back door open. He stepped inside and shut it firmly behind him, letting his eyes adjust to the surrounding darkness. But only for a moment. His ears were ringing as lurched down the hallway, hands kneading together as he made his way to Tyler's room. He could see that the door was open. So why was it so quiet?

Josh froze as he reached the doorway.

" _Tyler!_ " He shouted.

There on his bed, Tyler was sat hunched over with his nails digging into his wrists. His hair was tousled, tears trailing down his cheeks, and he was shaking so much Josh could visibly see it in the moonlight.

"J-Josh?"

"Tyler. Ty, I'm here." Josh rushed over to the bed, sitting down opposite the younger boy who looked like he was trying to curl into himself. "Hey, hey. I'm here, baby. Deep breaths, yeah?" Josh reached for Tyler's hands, but there was a copious amount of blood running down his arms; spreading all over his hands, his sheets, his fingers, everything smeared in red and his wrists covered in so, so many marks and cuts.

_Tyler had done it again._

The small boy shook his head, his breathing panicky as he glanced up at Josh with fear-filled eyes. "Josh, what t-took you so long?" He cried.

Josh's heart broke a little bit right then.

"Oh, Ty. I'm so sorry. I didn't bring my phone with me. God, how stupid. I should've been here. I'm sorry. Shhh." Josh rubbed Tyler's freezing hands with his warm ones, whispering his name, still doing his best to take everything in to little avail. _What the hell had happened?_

"What happened, Ty? Please," Josh said desperately, raising his hand to find Tyler's jaw. Tyler swallowed. Looked up. 

And that was when he lost it.

His voice was hoarse. His eyes weren't his. Josh instinctively pulled him closer, as close as possible, and Tyler's voice became muffled with his face shoved into Josh's flannel. Josh wrapped his arms around Tyler, and he held him and held him and held him. He held him like it was the only thing he knew how to do. The clothes, the blood, the tears - none of it mattered. All that mattered was Tyler.

And Tyler cried. He cried hard. Not like he was frustrated or like he hadn’t gotten his way, but like life was bitter. Like his wounds couldn’t be healed.

Josh wanted to heal them for him.

"I can't do it, Josh. I can't do it, I can't..." Tyler smothered himself on the blue-haired boy, keeping him as close as he could. As if Josh was oxygen, and Tyler would suffocate for a second without it. Josh tried to make Tyler look him in the eye, but Tyler refused. He refused to let go of Josh or even _move_ at this point.

Josh felt almost as terrified as Tyler was, right then. He knew Tyler had nights similar to this every once in a while, but never, _never_ , had they been this bad. He was horrified to think of whatever had gotten to Tyler this much, to the point where he rang Josh again and again to come over at 10 o'clock at night. Something had pushed him over the edge, it was clear. Tyler had never been shaken up this bad, he'd never cried this hard, he'd never yelled out while Josh held him, and he'd never held onto Josh with so much force, like nothing could rip him away. 

"Josh. Josh, please stay, oh God." Tyler's heart was beating immensely fast under his shirt, and Josh was certain it would pop out of his chest any second. He immediately pulled Tyler into his lap, wrapped his arms around Tyler's shaking frame. 

"Hey, you know I'd never leave. Would never fucking leave you, not ever," Josh murmured into his ear, kissing him gently on the side of his head. 

'He's in th-the room," Tyler stuttered out.

"Who?" Josh whispered.

"He lives in these walls, Josh, and he'll _fuck_ with your head if you let him."

Josh didn't know what to say to that. He couldn't stand it; that the hurt in Tyler was so bad. He could tell that Tyler was visited by fears so immense, so multiple, that he could almost feel the terror pulsing inside of him. As though some beast breathed all the time at the windowpanes of Tyler's mind.

Suddenly, Tyler stopped moving completely. His breathing became painfully quiet and Josh had to look down at him to make sure he was okay. "Ty?"

Tyler just shook his head slightly, eyes squeezed shut. Josh was confused further when Tyler suddenly pushed up and wrapped his arms around Josh's neck, pressing his face into the older boy's shoulder. Josh hushed him and smoothed his hands down his shuddering back, frowning slightly. He could feel wet on his shoulder, which wasn't really a big surprise, but when Tyler finally pulled away and Josh went to kiss him again, he froze. Tyler wasn't crying; he was bleeding. It ran from his nose, and Josh immediately panicked, reaching for anything to wipe it away, but there was nothing to grab, and his hands came away bloody.

"Tyler, what's going on? I, _fuck_ \- are you okay?" Josh sat up on his knees, gently inspecting Tyler's face.

"I don't know..." Tyler shuddered again, hands flying up to try and wipe away the blood. He shook his head a few times as he sat up, murmuring quietly in the dim light of his room. "Oh fuck fuck f-"

"Ty, we have to sort this out. Let's... let's go to the kitchen, okay? C'mon. You're going to be fine." Josh kept repeating those words quietly, and he was aware it was more to soothe himself than Tyler.

But Tyler kept shaking his head erratically, kept mumbling Josh's name. "Josh, you don't understand. He's... he's gone. He's gone, and Blurry won't _fucking_... oh." He tried to wipe away the blood on his face with his T-shirt, but it kept coming and coming and Josh did the best he could to hush him. 

"Tyler, you're in trouble. What's going on? What happened to you?" He said urgently.

Tyler squeezed his eyes shut. Then he opened them, and stared at Josh with an odd sense of clarity.

"He's dead," he whispered simply. 

Josh carded a slow hand through Tyler's chocolate curls as the younger boy whimpered. " _Who_?"

Tyler took a deep breath. Then he let it out. "M-my dad, Josh."

Josh was stock-still all of a sudden. All the words he'd been going to say suddenly disappeared.

_His dad was dead?_

"He's g-gone, Josh. And now that fucking shadow won't leave, and.... I-I'm not crazy," Tyler murmured, voice laced with desperation.

"Shh. I know. Ty, look at me." Josh tilted Tyler's chin up, taking in his tear streaked and bloodied appearance. Tyler just stared back at Josh, his nails still on his wrist, a riot in his eyes. 

"Deep breaths now, yeah? We'll clean you up in the kitchen, and then we'll figure out what do about this. Okay?"

Tyler simply nodded softly, hands curling around Josh's shoulders as the older boy hoisted him up and carried him to the lounge. Josh flicked on the lights when he reached the kitchen, smoothing his hands down Tyler's back gently and setting him down on the countertop. He immediately set to work; tilting Tyler's chin up and finding tissues to stem the bleeding, whispering soothing words as he located the first aid kit in the pantry. He looked through it for a moment, biting his lip absentmindedly, then he removed some wet wipes, gauze, and medical tape. He swallowed, then indicated to Tyler's wrists with a jerk of his head. "Can I...?"

Tyler hesitated, then nodded solemnly. His eyes remained downcast, and Josh kissed his forehead as softly as he could before getting to work on cleaning the cuts. Tyler hissed as the blood was wiped away, shrinking a little in pain. He held Josh's free hand in a death grip. 

"You're so strong, Tyler," Josh whispered, throwing the wipe to the side before grabbing the gauze and tape. He dressed the wounds as gently as he could manage, tone light as he attempted to soothe the honey-hued boy. Tyler didn't say a word. 

Josh was exhausted by the time he finally put the first aid kit away. Tyler's unexpected nosebleed had stopped, and Josh didn't hesitate as he jumped onto the counter beside Tyler. They both needed to be close to each other, now more than usual, and Tyler immediately rested his head on Josh's shoulder. His eyes fell closed; Josh was glad. With minimal movement, the older boy leant over to fill two glasses that were sitting by the sink. And it was okay for a moment: the two of them just sat together quietly, sipping water in thebright lights of the kitchen. Tyler's panic seemed to have subsided considerably, which Josh was thankful for. Now Tyler shivered silently from where he sat on the counter, clutching his glass with pale hands. His eyes stared straight ahead.

"Hey." Josh tilted Tyler's chin up until they were eye to eye. "You okay?"

Tyler nodded and rested his forehead against Josh's, sighing softly against his lips. "Cold," he said.

Josh paused for a moment, then tugged questioningly at the bottom of Tyler's bloodstained shirt. Tyler understood, quickly pulling the stained garment over his head and casting it onto the tiles below. Josh was already unbuttoning his own flannel, and he hummed softly as he pulled it around Tyler's bare shoulders, deft fingers quickly buttoning it up. Josh then slid off the counter and retrieved the black hoodie that was once his from where it lay over the couch. He grabbed it with an involuntary smile, then slid back into the kitchen to pull it over Tyler's head.

"Warmer?" he asked.

Tyler nodded, his hands finding their way out of the long sleeves and quickly connecting with Josh's. "Warmer."

Josh smiled and rocked back and forth on his heels on the tiled floor, lights flickering overhead.  _What now?_  he thought to himself.

Tyler looked at him expectantly, and he cleared his throat. "Tyler, I, um... should I call someone? Is there anything..." Josh paused, and was met with a blank gaze. “I just don’t know what to do,” he said finally, looking back down to the floor. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

Tyler didn't say anything for a moment. Josh didn't either. He didn't know what else there was to say. He'd been trying to tell himself it'd all be okay by the morning, that the initial shock will have worn off by then, but how could either of them go back to how it was after this?

"Josh?"

Josh lifted his head. "Yeah?" he said quietly.

"C-can you hold me? Please?"

Josh took a deep breath. And he nodded.

"Oh Tyler. I'll hold you for as long as you like."

\---------------

Tyler wasn't there when Josh woke up the next morning.

The bed was cold. Josh doubted Tyler had slept at all, by the looks of things. It was still dark, and Josh spent a few sombre moments staring up at the ceiling and hoping Tyler hadn't done anything drastic. It was apparent that he was still in the house, at least, when Josh heard a door in the hallway slam.

He'd get up and see how Tyler was doing soon. He would.

Josh rolled over onto his stomach with a quiet sigh, his X-Files shirt crumpling further underneath him. He felt like the world was pressing in on him, pressuring him to do something, anything, but he just felt so _helpless_.

God. Everything was so hazy. Josh didn't know. He couldn't explain. The whole thing was he didn't know, he couldn't explain. He did hear Tyler get into the shower at one point. Josh could hear him sobbing through the walls. He couldn't stand it. He didn't know exactly what was going through Tyler's heart - some kind of riot, Josh thought. 

He didn't think he'd ever seen pain written on his face. Not that kind of pain. It was something awful. Josh had this thing going on in the pit of his stomach, and it wouldn't go away.

He hated thinking that Tyler would never heal. He hated thinking that the hurt would live in him forever. 

Josh decided to get his phone out while he waited. He hoped it would make him stop feeling so small and insignificant and inadequate. He hated feeling that way. But he didn't know how to stop.

_Can stress cause nosebleeds,_ he typed aimlessly into Google. He pressed on the first site that came up and scrolled down the page, frowning.

 _Nosebleeds are sometimes a result of environmental stressors such as extreme temperatures and high altitudes, as well as physical trauma._ _The situations surrounding environmental stressors (unfamiliar surroundings, being in a high place, violence, or an accident) are all situations that can easily trigger anxiety attacks. In these cases, the high blood pressure associated with anxiety attacks can make the nosebleed heavier, or cause it to last longer, for which reason it is then considered an anxiety-related nosebleed._  

"Shit," Josh murmured, listening to the shower cut off and Tyler step out. There were a few quiet moments, in which Josh guessed Tyler was somewhat composing himself, then the bathroom door creaked open. Josh turned his phone off as Tyler came down the hall and into the bedroom.

"Hi," Tyler said nervously, his wet hair dripping over his forehead. His eyes were red rimmed and his hands were tucked firmly in his sweat's pockets. He was still shaking, though Josh could tell he was trying not to show it. God. Everything inside Josh ached.

"Hey, Ty." Josh's voice was tentative as Tyler stepped into the room. He tried as hard as he could to think, to come up with anything that would make the situation better, even just for a moment.

But what the hell was there? Tyler's father was dead, for God's sake. That was a big fucking deal in itself, but now Tyler was... what? Plagued with some kind of paranoia that wouldn't let him sleep?

Josh sighed deeply. "Y-"

"I'm going for a walk," Tyler interrupted. He finally looked up at Josh then, eyes full of turmoil, and despair, and a vulnerability that Josh hated. 

He hated it, because he knew exactly what Tyler meant.

"Ty." Josh stepped forward and reached for Tyler's hand instinctively, but Tyler didn't react. "I don't know if that's a good idea. I'll... I'll stay for as long as you want me to. Just... please don't leave," he said quietly.

Tyler sighed, rubbing tiredly at his eyes. He looked so drained, like nothing else was left inside of him. "I'm sorry, Josh. I'm really sorry for everything. I just feel so screwed up." His voice was quiet, and a little shaky, his eyes still the slightest bit red. "I feel like I might die," he added softly, looking at the floor.

"You won't," Josh answered stupidly.

"Yeah. I won't." Tyler shrugged on his jacket from the back of the chair, running a hand through his hair. Josh frowned, watching the way Tyler's Adam's Apple bobbed as he glanced out the window.

Only for a moment, though. The next thing Josh knew, Tyler was stepping forward and lightly kissing Josh's lips. "See ya, Joshie."

_And then he was gone._

 


	41. Tyler

Tyler Joseph was okay.

That's what he always told everyone, if anyone ever asked. He'd smile, it never quite meeting his eyes, the anathema of his mind clouding his faux-happiness. 

"I'm okay," He'd answer. "I'm fine. I'm alright."

Truthfully? Tyler Joseph was not alright. And he hated how indifferent he always pretended to be about it. How he'd shrug it off, carry on like normal. As if he wasn't steadily falling apart.

He didn't want that anymore. He wanted to scream that he wasn't okay from the rooftops, take everyone he knew by the shoulders and shake them until they understood, instead of just... just thinkingabout the feelings that he hid.

Yeah. That fucking sucked.

If Tyler were asked to describe his emotions at the present moment, he would simply say that they were grey. A grey cloud covering his brain just as well as it covered the skyline. The pollutants in the city's smog were tangible, but his pollutants were harder to touch, almost impossible for people to detect. For  _him_  to detect. His were psychological. "I'm alright," he'd say, because he was. He had his friends. He had his ukulele. he had  _Josh_. There was nothing physically wrong with him. There was no reason he was grey, no reason he felt like he did. But still, he was grey.

Tyler thought about that when he went back to his house later. When he knew Josh would be gone. Tyler almost wished he was still there, waiting up on the doorstep, ready to take Tyler into his arms and tell him it'd all be okay. He almost wished even his family was there, Brendon, Pete,  _anyone_. Anyone to tell him not to go.

Almost.

Tyler walked with faltering steps down to his bedroom. The house was dark and cold, and Tyler pulled Josh's flannel on tighter as he reached his doorway. He stood there for a moment, taking in his room. Taking in the four walls that never stayed still. The curtains were drawn and the air was stale, floor covered in dirty clothes.

But the bed was made, so that was where Tyler sat. 

_There is nothing that will add depth to despair like the feeling of deserving it._

Tyler knocked his head back against the wall, eyes closed. This time he knew he fucking deserved it. He'd hated Josh's face when he'd said goodbye. The knowing eyes. The underlying disappointment. 

He shouldn't have done it. He knows that. 

But this was him, wasn't it? Pushing people away because he didn't know how to fucking deal with anything he couldn't control with a remote. He was so used to having bad things happen, or fucking up, that it had become a part of who he was. Because it was his tiny violin playing all the time, because everything had to be about  _him_. And that made him angry, made his head pound and his blood foam up, and all he wanted to do was escape. He needed to leave. He needed to run his mile, just like he always did when everything caved in.

God. He couldn't breathe. His chest felt tight. He was so drained at this point that opening his eyes felt like needles into his mind. And now he'd made all this into a huge  _production_ , which is precisely what he didn't want. It'd all gone to hell. It always did, with him.

Silently, Tyler got up and retrieved his red backpack from the closet.  _Clothes. Headphones. Toothbrush. Crackers._

Josh would miss him, he knew. Josh would need him, he knew.

He didn't stick around for long after that. Only long enough to finish getting the things he needed and write out a note. And then he was gone again.

_And then what?_

_\-------------------------_

Tyler's mom stumbled inside later that night, tear-streaked and exhausted. She found the note on the kitchen table.

_Dear Mom,_

_I know you love me and I love you too. Life is hard. Like really fucking hard. It was okay for a while, it really was, but I think we all knew it wouldn't last. It never does._

_Don't call the cops. If I see one missing poster I will never come home. I just have to get away from all of it, mom, and I don't know what's going to happen, but I just want to feel okay._

_Of course there are people I'll miss. I'll miss him like hell. But I've taken some money, hope you don't mind. I really am sorry. For everything._

_Much love,_

_Tyler._


	42. Josh

_One week._

No calls. No texts. From Tyler, that was. Josh, however, was currently lying in the same spot he'd been in for almost an hour, scrolling repeatedly through all the texts he'd sent Tyler. 42. All unread. His room was dark, full of shadows, the atmosphere making his eyelids droop.

Josh was pulled out of his sombre thoughts with a gentle knock on the door.

"Josh?"

It was his mom. Josh didn't reply. Maybe she'd think he was asleep and leave him alone.

But she didn't. Josh sighed heavily as she slowly pushed the door open, standing in the doorway and taking in Josh's tragedy of a room. “Hey, Joshie. Do you wanna come down? Your sisters are making that apple pie you like. You can have it for dinner if you want.” Her tone was light, and Josh could tell she was trying to tread carefully.

“Tell them I say thanks,” Josh said. “I just can’t come right now.”

“You’ve been crying,” Josh’s mom said.

“A little.”

“Oh, josh.”

“Sorry. It’s nothing.” Josh shrugged.

Mrs. Dun sighed. “It’ll be okay, baby. I'll bring you up some pie later, yeah?"

Josh nodded, looking down at his bedspread. 

"Josh. C'mere." Josh's mom held her arms open, and Josh slowly slid out of bed to meet her,  hugging her tiredly in the dim hallway. 

"You're okay, baby," she said, kissing her son's forehead. "Talk to me when you're ready. We all love you so much, Joshie. You know that, don’t you? " It was all Josh could do to nod again.

"I love you, mom."

She smiled gently, then turned and made her way back down the stairs.

Josh was glad his mom hadn't tried to make him eat with his family. That hadn't gone well the previous night; he'd been too distracted to talk, and had just sat there pushing his meal around listlessly. Then he'd immediately gone back up to his room for the rest of the night, blasting Modern Baseball and feeling sorry for himself. It was a vicious cycle. 

 _What's with him?_ His brother had asked when Josh had gone.

 _Tyler,_ his mom had simply whispered.

School hadn't changed either. No one seemed to want to talk about the fact that Tyler hadn't shown up for seven fucking days. It was like no one even cared, no one thought that the things happening were anything out of the ordinary.  _No one stopped to think that there might be something wrong with this._ Josh hung out with Brendon and Ryan and Jenna, not at all inclined to join in on conversation. 

 _What's with him?_ Dallon had asked when Josh had gone to graphics.

 _Tyler,_ Brendon had simply answered.

Tyler.

Josh rolled over with a groan, shoving his face into his pillow. His mind kept going back to that night with Tyler, when he was helpless and fucking terrified, and Josh wanted to cry. Because it was all too much, and Josh was _tired_. Tired of talking, of thinking, of feeling. He didn't need this, not again. What he needed was for Tyler to come back. To come back to him. Because Tyler was right, that night they had ran down the street at 3AM in the rain.

_I am crazy. But you know you can't live without me._

Josh pulled himself into a sitting position, his face shoved in his hands. God. He couldn't do this. He couldn't be doing _nothing_. Not when the only thing he thought about all day everyday was Tyler. Tyler couldn't just make Josh  _someone_ and then leave. Because Josh was fine before. He was fine with just him and school and music, and Tyler couldn't just make him different and then go. For Tyler had made himself something to Josh, the biggest something Josh had ever known, and now Tyler was gone and with him Josh's faith in everything. Josh could try to pretend that he didn't care when people asked, but it would never be true again. Tyler couldn't just make himself matter and then leave all the time, because it fucking _hurt._ It shouldn't hurt this much to be in love, should it?

ButTyler was gone and Josh was here and it felt like there was no answer in the world that could fix it all. He was all Josh had left. And nothing at all.

** 7:12 PM **

_ To: Tyler _

** Me:  ** _ Hey. I guess you're not checking your phone anymore. Can you call me if you see this? I just want to hear your voice. _

Josh pressed send, then flopped back down onto his comforter with a defeated sigh. Maybe there was something more he could've done. Maybe he could've forced him to stay, talked him out of those dangerous thoughts.

But it was Tyler's mind, wasn't it? The way he was wired. That was Tyler's mom said, what the doctors said.  Josh would go over everything. Every detail, every sigh, every panic. But they never added up to anything but Tyler. He only saw the person. He couldn't see the wiring. He couldn't fix the wiring. 

He tried. 

Josh took in a shaky breath, let it out slowly. He'd been feeling different lately; raw, like he'd had a layer of skin ripped off and underneath was all red and tender and painful to the touch. Everything hurt. Everything felt like a headache. God. Josh didn't know. He needed to get a grip on everything, he needed to be strong, but right then, he didn't know where to start.

So Josh did the only thing he knew how to do. The thing that made a difference to nothing, to no one, except him. He shrugged on his jacket, quietly made his way downstairs, and hopped into the family car.

And he drove.

He drove and he sighed the name of the boy who kissed him and then left, the boy who was supposed to be his best friend forever, the boy he went to Taco Bell with no matter what time it was and they ate chalupas and talked about music like nothing else mattered.

Maybe nothing else ever did. 


	43. Tyler

Tyler was walking.

He'd been walking for a while now. Since he got off that bus, maybe half an hour ago. He didn't know how far that bus had taken him, had no idea where he'd ended up. He didn't care. 

He was almost at the bridge now, right near the joint where it jutted out from the land and into the air. It was late now. Tyler shouldn't be here. He didn't care.

The bridge was really the only place he could think to go. He just wanted to feel _above_. He had this obsession with heights, he'd always had it, and he thought it was just his brain telling him he was closer to the sky that got him all riled up for it. Because maybe his signals would be heard if he stood on the highest point of the highest mountain or if he climbed to the tallest point of the tallest tree - maybe his signals would be heard and he'd be able to stop projecting onto the screen and stop sewing things to his sleeve and he'd be able to _breathe_. Breathe.

Cars passed by. He was, to them, just another teenage boy. Out for a walk. Crossing the bridge. They saw him throw something into the river below. They didn't realise it was his phone.

Tyler felt the railing under his hands. No. The railing was under his hands, but he didn't really feel it. He walked towards the centre of the bridge. It would take him about two minutes to get there. Maybe three. He was in no rush. He watched the dark water rushing by, undulating far, far below.

He couldn't see his mother crying in her bedroom. No matter what anyone said, she would not let go of her phone.

Tyler was nearing the centre of the bridge. Cars continued to pulse past him; when a truck rolled by, he could feel the bridge shake, could feel the air displaced. This, he felt. Even if he had closed himself into his mind completely, he was still in the world.

Tyler stopped walking suddenly. Without a word, he set his bag down on the concrete, gripping the metal railing in front of him hard. He swung one leg over. Then the other.

_Are you going to do it?_

Blurry stood nonchalantly alongside Tyler, head cocked slightly. Tyler looked down at the water rushing below him, swinging his legs back and forth against the railing.

And he shook his head. 

"No." 

Blurryface snorted in disbelief. _Why the hell not? It would end all of this. With your father. With yourself. With me._

Tyler knew Blurryface was right. He continued to look down at the water, breathing slowly. In and out.

"Josh," he simply answered.

Yeah. That was what he kept telling himself, what he kept forcing himself to go back to. Josh had called him everyday since he'd been gone. They relied on each other; they always had. They _trusted_ each other. It was more than just a high school crush; Tyler knew it was more. 

God, he needed Josh right then. But what did it matter? Tyler wasn't even completely sure he was still in _Ohio_ at this point. He'd chucked his fucking phone away. He'd fucked everything up to the point of no return, and he knew he couldn't find a way out of it this time.  

Tyler sighed deeply. What if... what if he did jump? It'd all be over, wouldn't it? Blurryface would be gone. Blurryface would be _gone_ and so would all his worries and insecurities and all the hatred that was relentlessly amplifying inside of him. Tyler hated himself with such a ferocity that it scared him, hated himself so much he worried it would overcome him, that if this kept going on he'd just get more bitter and more lonely and unable to be loved. All this hurt clawed at his insides like a creature in his stomach, like it was an inherent part of him.

If he pushed off from this barrier, on this biting autumn night, all the shitty things that kept happening in his life would be gone. Forever.

_But so would Tyler._

Tyler ignored his jacket flapping in the wind, ignored the millions of pairs of headlights flooding past his shadowed figure. No. He couldn't do that. He couldn't do that to Josh, couldn't ever put someone as beautiful as him through that.

Could he?

He knew it was bad when it got to this. When he didn't know. He didn't know how he was feeling, didn't know how to get out of this stupid fucking hole he'd found himself in. His mind hadn't been working properly for a long time.

Barren. That was how it felt. That was how Tyler felt. 

Slowly, Tyler got off of the barrier and back on solid ground. And he found himself on his knees. 

Tyler thought he had always been aware of how he would break; he  thought he knew what kind of situations would break him,  what kind of people would do it,  how much it would hurt. But _God_ , this was something else.  He was just wordless, and he was lost, and he had never known anything that had felt like this, this, this hurt in the heart, this emptiness, and he wished right then that he didn’t have a heart, but he knew he had one and he couldn’t wish it away. He couldn’t wish away the hurt or the tears. 

He didn’t know how long he knelt there on the cold concrete. But he felt himself take a deep breath, and let himself feel the cold air on his face. This, he felt. This he had to let himself keep on feeling.

He had to.

Tyler shook his head a little, squeezing his eyes shut against everything. "I don't know what I'm waiting for. But I know its something. so I'll wait for it," he murmured to himself. Because there _was_ something, and he didn't know if it was good or bad, but two negatives had to equal a positive, right? 

Tyler waited for a moment. Then he stood up, swung his backpack over his shoulder, and carried on down the dim bridge walkway.

_And my own two hands will start bleeding again..._

 


	44. Josh

_Two weeks._

_And then three._

"Mom, can we get Taco Bell for dinner?"

Josh's mom raised her eyebrows, looking curiously over at her son. Josh had been sitting quietly in the kitchen for about ten minutes while she was cleaning the bench, just staring at nothing. It was the first time he'd spoken.

"You haven't had Taco Bell for ages," she commented.

"Hmm?" Josh said, looking up from the table he'd been engrossed in. "Oh, yeah, it's Tyler's..." he cut himself off, looking back down at his hands, "...favourite."

Josh tried as hard as he could to repress those thoughts, he did, but it was no good. He was already crying.

"Josh," his mom said, sounding alarmed as she put down the dishcloth. "What's wrong?"

"Sorry, sorry," Josh said through a small sob. "I- I don't know, I-" Another sob cut him off.

"Shh," his mom said, suddenly kneeling next to his chair, hand on his shoulder. "Hey, it's okay."

"Mom?" he whispered, still looking down at his lap.

"Yeah?" 

"I'm in love with Tyler," he said quietly, voice almost cracking.

He didn't really know why he said it. It wasn't like she didn't already know.

"Oh." Josh's mom held him even tighter, thumb tracing down his arm softly. "Oh, _Josh.”_

“And I don’t know if he’s gonna come back this time, Mom. I miss him. I miss him so much, and-“ Josh hiccuped, looking down at his lap in embarrassment. His mom rubbed his back.

"Josh, sweetie, of course he'll come back," she soothed. "Just give him time." 

"I always give him time, mom. It's not fair. He's not even returning any of my calls, and it sucks." Josh sighed deeply, rubbing at his face. Josh's mom paused for a moment. Josh had finally told her about everything that had happened a few nights ago, about Tyler's dad and that night together, about Tyler running all the time. And she hadn't really known how to respond. She knew something had been going on with Josh, but this... this was a _lot_. And Josh had been going through it all alone.

"I'm so fucking angry at him, mom." Josh sighed again, tilting his face up to the ceiling. "No, I'm not angry at Tyler. It's not his fault. Just... his dad. He was driving, and he was drunk. Who does that? He had a family. He just... he put Ty through so much. So much he didn't deserve."

"Josh, listen." Mrs. Dun looked at her son with soft, earnest eyes. "Everything that's going on now, it'll pass. I promise. Tyler loves you so much, I know he does, and he's _strong_. It'll get easier, baby. For both of you."

Josh shook his head bitterly. "But what if it doesn't, mom? What if it keeps going on like this forever?" With that, Josh wiped at his face with a finality and found his feet. He crossed his arms over his chest, mumbling to the floor, "I'm going to take a shower."

"Josh, wait-"

But Josh was already on his way upstairs.

He flopped down on his bed as soon as he reached his room, his face buried in his hands. He didn't bother checking his phone at this point; it wasn't like Tyler had texted him, and it wasn't like any of his friends tried to talk to Josh about it either. Not really talk to him. Not even with a text. There was nothing to do, and Josh was damn ready to blow. So he took a shower, and threw on clean clothes. There was a basket of folded laundry on Josh's bed when he got back. He knocked it over. Just because.  

God. It was all getting to be too much for Josh. Why hadn't Tyler called him, not even once? Was he that caught up in himself? Did he care that little? It wasn't fair, not when Tyler was the only thing on Josh's mind every day and every night. Josh just  _missed_  him. He missed his smile, his flushed skin, his voice, his kisses. He missed everything about Tyler _so much_. And he’d been trying to prove to himself that he’d be okay, that the amount of which he clung to Tyler’s image and essence and being was too much to hold to one person. That he was being clingy, and irrational, and stupid.

And he was.

_So why did it hurt so much?_

Josh kicked his heel against his bed, angry at himself for being so fucking _pathetic_. He was supposed to be okay now, or at least semi-functional. He squeezed his eyes shut, unable to stop himself from reaching over and grabbing his phone. He stared at it for a moment, brows furrowed, then sighed and dialled Tyler’s number. Again. And Tyler didn’t answer. Again.

_I’m sorry, the person you are trying to contact is not available to take your call. Please leave a message after the beep._

Josh swallowed, calming himself as best he could.

"Tyler? Hi. It’s Josh. Uh. It’s been three weeks now, Ty. And I know you’ve probably been away longer than this before, but it’s still too _long_. And it’s hard, Ty. I miss you. I don’t know what to do with myself without you around." Josh paused, eyes drifting up to the ceiling. "I went round to yours a few times this week. Your mom showed me the note you left her, and... I don't know. It just sucks that I can’t make you happy, because you make me happy. Every time I’m with you." Josh's chuckle was bitter, eyes stinging with tears. "I guess I’m the cheesy motherfucker now, huh?" 

Josh could hardly breathe all of a sudden. His throat felt tight. He looked down at his bed and swallowed, rubbing a tired hand over his face.

"I'm sorry, Tyler. For everything. For not doing more. You would tell me how unhappy you were, but I thought you meant at that moment. I didn’t realise how it filled you. I should have, and I'm sorry. Just... please call me back. Please," he whispered.

Josh stared at his home screen for a while after he ended the call, at the picture of Tyler, fast asleep in Josh's hoodie. Tears stung his eyes again, and he hated it, hated crying so much over this stupid _thing_. But he couldn't stop it. He couldn't stop all the feelings of hopelessness and despair that came with this stupid thing, and he certainly couldn't stop the tears.It felt as though his heart was caving in on itself and God, it was painful. It pounded against his ribcage and he could hear it in his ears and his stomach hurt and he couldn't breathe.

And suddenly all he felt was fury.

He was angry at his family, angry at Jenna and the others, angry at himself and at Tyler. Angry at what it had all become. Angry at the world and how twisted and cruel it was.

_Why wasn't I enough to make him want to stay around?_

Before Josh could feel sorry for himself any longer, his phone started to vibrate in his lap. Josh looked down at it, his heart in his throat.

_Incoming call from: Jenna Black_

Josh sighed dejectedly, answering the call all the same.

"Hi," he said tiredly.

"Hey, Josh. Just wanted to see how you're holding up," Jenna said softly.

Huh. Maybe Josh was wrong about his friends not caring. The blue haired boy frowned to himself as he fumbled for an answer. "Yeah. Yeah, fine."

"You sure? Look, I... I know it's hard for you." Jenna sighed.

Josh closed his eyes, unable to speak for a moment.

"God knows where he is," he whispered finally.

"It's okay," Jenna said unbelievingly. 

"No Jenna, it's not," Josh said, tears pricking his eyes again. "Goddammit! God, how did this happen? How could I be so stupid! And Tyler... he never thought anything through. So goddamned impulsive, Christ. It is not okay." Josh fell back on his bed, curling onto his side dejectedly. He felt his mind begin to fragment as he lay there in the darkness.

"We should have stopped him," Jenna mumbled. 

Josh shook his head to himself. "Yeah, I know we should have stopped him, damn it. I am shit sure keenly aware that we should have stopped him. But we shouldn't have _had_ to. We shouldn't have to watch him like a fucking three year old." Josh harassed his curls. "God. I'm losing it.”

Jenna paused. “Josh, you’re winding yourself up. He’s gonna come back.”

“But what if he doesn’t this time, Jenna? He blames himself for what happened to his dad. I just… I have no idea what he’s going through. And I just let him go. Christ.”

Jenna didn't say anything for a while. Josh exhaled slowly. He shouldn't be taking his out on Jenna. Or anyone, for that matter. Everyone was doing the best they could. And this was _his_ damage, no one else's.

"I'm sorry, Jenna. I just feel so screwed up."

"It'll be okay, Josh. We'll be okay." She paused again, and Josh could hear voices on the other side of the phone. "I have to go now. I'm sorry. Just... take care of yourself."

"Yeah," Josh said half-heartedly.

"Seeya," Jenna said, sympathy clear in her voice.

Josh put his phone down on his bedside table, massaging his temples slowly. He knew he wouldn't be able to get to sleep that night. He didn't last night, or the night before that. Tomorrow would most likely be the same. The circles under his eyes had become a part of him at this point. It was always bad when Tyler left, Josh knew. But it had never been like this.

Josh plugged his phone in to charge. He brushed his teeth. He turned off the light. He got into bed and opened his laptop. He closed it. He did his fucking best not to think about Tyler all alone somewhere in Ohio, sitting tiredly against a building with his head in his hands.

Stupid. So, so stupid.

And as silent tears rolled down Josh's cheeks for the millionth time that month, chest shaking with suppressed sobs and arms wrapped tightly around his knees, he wished to God he did not care so much.

 


	45. Tyler

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this story is almost finished im sh00k

_"I’m sorry, the person you are trying to contact is not available to take your call. Please leave a message after the beep."_

Tyler sighed.

"Hey, Joshie. It's me. Um… I was just calling to… Josh. Josh I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t have ran that day. I didn’t know what to do. It hurt so much, and I didn't know how else to make it stop. I'm fucking stupid. I hurt you, and mom, and Jenna, and everyone. I-I… I’m sorry, okay? I wasn’t thinking. I was so messed up. I just am. Everyone knows it. Can... can you call back? Actually don't. I don't have my phone. I'm at a fucking payphone, Josh. I'm so stupid, and I know you see me as a total dickhead but like, I miss you. I really do, Josh. I need you. You are all that I’ve got."

_Dial tone._

_\-----------------------_

It was late on a Saturday night. Tyler Joseph was sitting alone in some quiet Starbucks, a chocolate frappuccino clutched in his hands, eyelids drooping. He knew Josh had opened the voicemail. Of course he would've. And Tyler didn't know what was going to happen now. But something had to, right? Things would change. Things needed to change. Tyler put his drink on the table in front of him, resting his head on his arms and closing his eyes. 

He was fucking tired.

He was tired of living in fear of something that only existed inside his head. Tired of people being wary around him, always careful to say the right thing. _Don’t upset Tyler, whatever you do. Oh there he goes again, in one of his moods._ He was tired of killing himself; of stripping his skin and casting it off into the black. He was tired of trying to end and he was tired of trying to end that feeling.

Unpredictable. Crazy. The freak. The weirdo. He let people down. He hurt people. It was as if his brain couldn't cope, and could only manage to keep Tyler sane in the most detrimental and rudimentary way possible: fear.

But, he realised as he ran his mind over the last month for the fiftieth time, this fear owned Tyler because he let it. Because he obsessed over it, named it, raised it, and nurtured it to become an ever-present part of him. It was one of the few things in his life he thought he could control. But he was wrong. This shadow was the last thing with a hold over him, and God, he was ready to let go.

He wanted to turn around; to take the blood away from the soles of his feet, the ghastly hue away from his skin, the cobwebs and harrowing razors in his throat - he wanted it all gone, wanted the beginning back again. He was bloodied, and torn, and he couldn't keep running. He couldn't keep living like he was just a compilation of symptoms. Just a casualty of a shitty life and an even shittier chemical make up.

Because he wasn't a problem, or a diagnosis, or an illness. He wasn't something to be reduced. He was something more than all that. And maybe he could prove to Josh, prove to _himself,_ that he really was worth it. He really was worth loving.

Tyler squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, mind hopelessly over-crowded. He'd gotten pretty used to it. Without a word, he reached into his pocket, fumbling around until his fingers closed around a piece of paper. The crumpled drawing of Josh.

He'd almost forgotten about it. He'd  almost forgotten about everything when he'd been sleeping on his cousin's floor in some rank university dorm, surviving on Fritos and Mountain Dew.

The drawing wasn't very good. Tyler had never really been amazing at much. But it was _Josh._  It was. Tyler smoothed the paper gently, looking at the little smirk he'd tried so hard to master.

_Just to stay sane. Just to get through it._

That was it, wasn't? Joshua Dun. Whenever Tyler felt himself slipping too far, he held onto that, that one thing he was always sure of. Mocha eyes. Blue curls.

Josh Dun was alive, alive, alive.

_And Tyler was hopelessly in love with him._

Tyler's eyes snapped open suddenly. He turned abruptly to his right, took in the bored looking girl sipping her latte beside him.

"Hello. Can I, uh, use your phone quickly? I just need to make a call. Two minutes, tops."

The girl looked over at Tyler curiously, seemingly unsure. Then she just shrugged and handed it over.

Tyler shot her a grateful smile, quickly finding the phone icon and typing in Josh's number. The number he'd had memorised since sophomore year. The number he looked for with shaky hands in the middle of the night when everything felt like it was falling apart. Tyler studied the screen for a moment, chewing his lip. He knew he needed to do this. He  _owed_  this to Josh. So he breathed in deeply, then pressed green.

Because _what?_ He expected a normal conversation after all the bullshit he’d put Josh through? He didn’t deserve Josh. He never had. But he needed the closure. And hell, as much as he’d tried to not think about it these past weeks, he _needed_ Josh. More than anything. He was the only constant thing he’d ever had, the only thing he had to hold onto, and Tyler had thrown it away because of a fucking shadow.

Josh answered the call. Neither of them talked at first.

“Hello?” Josh’s voice was hesitant. Quiet. But hell. It was Josh.

“Hey. S'me,” Tyler murmured.

“ _Tyler?_ "

"Mm. Hi, Josh."

An inhale. An exhale. "Tyler Joseph. What. The _fuck_. Is going on.”

“Yeah. Yeah, that's a great question." Tyler let out a nervous chuckle, leaning back in his seat. "Please don’t… please don't think bad of me, Josh,” he said quietly.

“Explain,” Josh said.

Tyler sipped at his drink. "I don't know what to tell you, Josh. I wasn't happy, so I left.”

There was a pause on the other end of the phone. "Yeah. Yeah, I get it. But you can't just... Tyler you can't just _run_ when shit like this happens.That's not..." Josh trailed off, sighing. Tyler imagined him lying on his bed with his NASA shirt, staring up at his ceiling.

"I am in pieces, Josh.” 

Josh let out another soft sigh. "I know. I know, Ty. But this isn't going to help. It never has."

"You don't get it. This is what I deserve," Tyler said, looking down.

Josh snorted. "Well, it isn't what I deserve."

There was a small pause. Tyler looked up, eyes focusing out the fogged window. His hands closed around the empty bottle of Ativan in his pocket.

“Josh?" Tyler murmured.

“Yeah?”

“Do you think I’m... incurable?”

Josh breathed. "No. No, of course I don't think that. And neither do you," he said firmly.

"Yeah..." Tyler's voice trailed off, uncertain.

Josh hummed softly as he considered his reply, and Tyler closed his eyes at the sound of his voice.  "You're all over the place, Tyler," Josh said quietly. "And I love you, but it's hard to-"

At that, Tyler lost balance and almost almost fell off his seat. He felt the girl give him a look, but he didn't care. "Josh - you love me?" 

The word hung in the air between their phones, and Josh laughed nervously. "God, _yes_. I always have, Tyler. You know that. I love you so, so much."

"Josh..." Tyler breathed.

"And I understand that it's hard for you. But... it's been hard on me too. And I'm not saying it's your fault. Because it definitely isn't. Just-" Josh sighed. Tyler knew that when he was anxious he had trouble forming sentences. "You're unpredictable. And it scares me sometimes, Ty. I almost thought you were going to... well." Josh's voice was gentle now, tone soft. The kind of soft that made Tyler want to crawl into his arms and cuddle.

Maybe he could've, if he wasn't halfway to fucking Detroit.

"I just... I don't know what to do," Tyler finally said, eyes closing as rain began to fall outside.

"You don't have to."

"Where is home?" Tyler asked. To himself. To Josh. To the universe.

"I'll be your home." Josh's voice was quiet, sincere. Tyler wiped at his face before the girl could see his tears.

Josh swallowed, detecting the pause. "Tyler? Are you okay?"

Tyler glanced at the window again, at the sad face he'd drawn in the condensation. "Not really," he murmured.

"But you were," Josh said. 

"Yeah."

Josh took a moment to answer. "I wish I could make you happy," he finally whispered.

Tyler didn't say anything to that.

There was a sound from Josh's end of the phone. A door slamming. "Well, I have to go now. I don't really know what to do from here. That's up to you. And I know things will be different if you come back. When you come back, I mean. But I do love you, Tyler. Even if I shouldn't." 

Tyler's eyes widened. "Josh-"

"Seeya."

_Beeeeeep._

Tyler sat back a little, blinking. He tried not to let his hands shake as he passed the phone back to the girl. "Thanks," he said. The girl just shrugged again.

Tyler looked around the warm shop then, at all the people caught up in their own worlds, sipping their caramel macchiatos and pumpkin spice lattes while the world carried on around them.

_Where to now?_

Tyler stood up, stretched, then shrugged on his jacket.

_Home._

Home. Because it was really synonymous with Josh. And Josh was synonymous with love.

_Like a river flows surely to the sea..._

So Tyler Joseph stepped out of the Starbucks and into the cool November air, drifting down the crowded street. Not aimlessly. He knew exactly where he was headed.

And for the first time in almost a year, Blurryface was nowhere to be seen.


	46. Josh

_ How do we go on? When so much happens to us, how do we go on?_

It was one in the morning. Josh was sitting at his desk by the window, reading some online story and trying to stay awake when Tyler stumbled into his room.

Josh looked up from his screen, and stared at him thoughtfully for a moment. 

"Deja vu, huh?"

And there he was. Standing there in the doorway, shaking and wringing his hands together. Josh didn't even want to look at him at first, but he did, of course he did, his eyes flickering over Tyler's face desperately. Hungrily. God, he'd missed that face. Tyler opened his mouth to say something, then closed it.

Something about him seemed different, Josh decided. His face seemed thinner, eyes more shadowed. But it was him. Here. With Josh. After over a month out of Ohio, without telling anyone a single thing about what was going on, here he was. Bleary eyed with his hands shoved in his pockets, like it was the most natural thing in the world. And Josh had no idea how to react. 

"Why are you here?" Josh sighed.

"I wanted to talk to you." Tyler replied, stepping closer nervously.

"It's late." Josh picked at his thumbnail, looking away.

Tyler flicked his eyes over Josh again, his manner cautious. "I can leave if I'm not welcome."

"That's not what I meant." 

Tyler swallowed. "I thought you'd be happy that I came back," he said weakly. His voice was tinged with unsteadiness, and when Josh looked up at him, he was chewing his lip.

Josh frowned. "Why? So we can, what, cuddle and make out and pretend to be happy boyfriends?" He was being an asshole, he knew. But he had to get it out. Or else he never would.

Tyler caught Josh's eye, confused. "Woah, Josh. I get that I fucked up, but we can at least talk about it, right? I just, you know... I wanted to see you first."

Josh's expression didn't change. "Wow. How very considerate of you."

Tyler opened his mouth, but didn't say anything. He looked completely rebuked, and Josh felt a little bit awful. Only a little bit. Tyler lowered his eyes to the floor, still worrying his lip. "Josh... don't do this. It hurts enough. Why're you acting like you... like you don't care?"

Josh snorted, turning to Tyler with something unknown written in his dark eyes. " _I_ don't care? You tell that to yourself when you didn't care enough to call once in over a month to check up on me."

Josh watched as Tyler's eyes widened, something like hurt washing over his face. He shoved his shaking hands in his pockets.

"I'll just go then," Tyler said.

Josh sighed, and rubbed his face tiredly. Then he shook his head. "No. No, please don't go. I'm sorry, Tyler. I'm being stupid. I'm just tired, and... worried. About what's gonna happen. With you. And me."

And he was. Because they couldn't carry on like this. Josh could never go through all of this again. So if Tyler was incapable of changing, that was a massive fucking problem.

Tyler frowned. "Josh, you don't have to worry-" he stepped towards Josh nervously, "-because I won't be leaving again."

Despite everything, Josh's heart lifted a little at that.

"You have to promise," Josh said, his hand unconsciously finding Tyler's in the darkness. He laced their fingers together, so they were bound.

Tyler smiled softly. "I promise, Josh."

"What about-"

"We can talk about all that later. Just... trust me that I've got it all figured out, yeah?"

Josh didn't fully trust Tyler, but he remembered when he did, when they went to Taco Bell and ordered Chalupas together, when Tyler sat with him and flipped through records in the music store downtown, when they laid quietly together in Josh's bed and forgot anything else existed. 

"I missed you," Josh whispered before he could stop himself, and his hand went up to cup Tyler's jaw. Like routine. Like clockwork.

"I missed you more," was Tyler's reply, and Josh rolled his eyes.

That wasn't possible, but he'd let Tyler have it. For now.

The two of them were quiet for a moment. Josh wouldn't admit it, but he used the moment to finally soak in the aura of Tyler that he'd been so desperately missing. This was his retox. This was his everything.

Then Tyler reached out to gently brush Josh's hair off his forehead, his voice tentative. "I wasn't... I wasn't gonna come back, Josh. I wasn't planning to come home, and that scares me." 

Josh tilted his head up slightly to see Tyler properly, eyes soft and calculating. 

_I wouldn't be able to live with myself if you didn't._

"It's okay," he said instead.

"Not really."

Josh thought about all the nights he'd laid awake. All the messages he'd left. That phone call from a stranger's phone. He thought about all the shit that had happened over the last month.

"What made you change your mind?" he asked softly.

Tyler shrugged, his hand cold as he traced across Josh's arm. "I don't know. I guess I just didn't want to deny myself the simple pleasure of happiness anymore."

Josh smiled a little, tugging Tyler closer in reflex. "Explain?"

Tyler sighed. "I don't know. I just, I have this picture in my mind of what could've been and what should be, and I feel like I'm wasting this life by hating it so much." Tyler considered for a moment, still chewing down on his lip. "But I'll always be pretty messed up, Josh. And-"

"I don't care. I don't care how bad you get. I know what I signed up for." Josh reached up and pulled Tyler down to him, so they were eye to eye. And right then, he knew they'd figure it out. He knew they'd get through all of it together. So he leaned forward, letting his lips touch Tyler's for a brief moment.  "I meant what I said over the phone, you know," he murmured.

"Yeah. Uh, Josh?" Tyler's Adam's Apple bobbed, his autumn eyes catching Josh's fleetingly.

"Mmm?"

"I'm... uh, I'm really in love with you too," Tyler said, his voice low and quiet, "but I think you already knew that." And in that moment Josh forgot about Tyler leaving. He forgot about Tyler's dad and the shadow and every shitty situation that had lead up to that moment. Because Tyler was home, and there was literally not one thing that mattered more.

Josh smiled softly. "I'm glad to hear that."

Tyler returned the smile, all gentle and pretty, and Josh gave in completely. He nuzzled his face desperately into Tyler's neck and held him as close as physically possible, breathing him in like smoke. "God, I missed you so much," he whispered.

_And I, oh yeah I, believe in love..._

It was stupid, Josh knew, but he didn't want to let go. Tyler giggled lightly as he eventually pried himself away, running a hand through Josh's faded curls. He was still shivering a little, and he gently kissed Josh's jaw with cold lips. And it felt like the universe was reorganising itself, and Josh knew any anger either of them felt had disappeared. Tyler touched Josh's lips, his cheek, framing the older boy's face with his thumbs and squinting into his eyes.

"Josh. Are you sure you're alright?"

Josh took a good long look at Tyler then. At this point, he knew life well enough to know that you couldn't count on things staying around or standing still, no matter how much you wanted them to. You couldn't stop people from dying. You couldn't stop them from going away. You couldn't stop yourself from going away either. _That might be why Tyler does it_ , he thought. He knew himself well enough to know that no one else could keep you awake or keep you from sleeping. No one else could keep you permanently happy. No one else could keep you alive. That was all on himself.

But for some reason, Josh loved this boy.

"Yes," Josh said. "I think I am."

"And you... forgive me?" Tyler bit his lip.

"I forgive you," Josh whispered. "For real."

"That's, uh, that's pretty cool."

"Pretty cool," Josh agreed.

Preeeettttty cool."

"Pre _tty_ cool." 

Tyler smiled his crooked grin in response. Then he walked over and climbed into Josh's bed fully clothed, pulling the comforter over himself and sticking out his hand.

"Hold my hand, will ya?" he said sleepily.

Josh took it, pressing his lips to the cold skin as Tyler closed his eyes, his moonlit curls crushed against the pillow. Josh watched him fondly, running his thumb back and forth across Tyler's palm.

And it was okay.

It was. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so  
> I might write some kind of epilogue later but for now...  
> this story is finished?  
> wow it's been pretty emotionally trying for me but thanks so much to everyone who has read/commented/left kudos on this. I've gotten a lot more support than I ever thought i would so t h a n k s f r i e n d s  
> But yeah, this has actually come to an end and I'm pretty sh00k but I hope you all enjoyed coming on this journey with me and liked reading this piece of trash :))  
> BYE!


	47. IMPORTANT

Hello friends!

So it's been a few months since I finished this fic, and i just want to say a huge thank you to all the comments and kudos I've gotten since. Every comment keeps me smiling for hours honestly y'all are sweeeeet

So I've been thinking for ages about a new idea for book, as I'm keen to get back to writing after a bit of a break, and for some reason my mind keeps coming back to this book? so. um.

I'm gonna write a sequel for thisss?!?!??!?

It might take a while to get some chapters up, but im hella keen to get it started so there's that. stay tuned kiddos ;))

oh yeah and also i came up for a playlist for this fic so here goes!!

 

 _Medicine_ \- Daughter

 _Sunday Morning_ \- Maroon 5 

 _5am_ \- Amber Run

 _If I Ain't Got You (Live)_ \- Maroon 5

 _You Can't Hurry Love_ \- Phil Collins

 _Prove Me Wrong_ \- Tyler Joseph

_I Exist I Exist I exist - Flatsound_

_Hate That You Know Me_ \- The Bleachers

 _Breaking Free_ \- High School Musical Cast

 _Air Catcher_ \- Twenty One Pilots

 _Vienna_ \- Ultravox

 _Day of the Lords_  - Joy Division

 _Tonight_ \- Tyler Joseph

 _All These Things That I've Done_ \- The Killers

 _Madness_ \- Muse

 _Taxi Cab_ \- Twenty One Pilots

 _I Wanna Get Better_ \- Bleachers

 _Wake For Young Souls_ \- Third Eye Blind

 _Flaws_ \- Bastille

 _Cocoon_ \- Catfish and the Bottlemen

 _Rulers of Reverse_ \- Whittaker ft. Tyler Joseph

 _Can't Help Falling In Love_  - Twenty One Pilots (Cover)

 

So yeah cool i'll try to keep y'all updated !!! bye :)


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